How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

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So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

Well maybe not abuse SGM but certainly neglect - if you refused to feed and clothe and nurture your child who lived with you it would be considered neglect so I see no reason why being a non RP should make a difference.

And NN, it looks as though there are two very important and valid reasons ofor an MN campaign.

But SGM you cannot say someone is an abuser for not paying, then make them pay but say they cannot see the child!

It should be a given that they should pay, and a preference that they are a valuable part of the child's life. If they are too emotionally fuckwitted to be able to be a part of the child's life, then so be it - but they should still pay.

However, I have an issue with the small group of women who want the man's money but not his involvement - even if he is willing and capable of giving it. I vehemently disagree that (potentially good) fathers are dispensable. But that is for another thread.

I think you do through and . I'm at the point where I've just realised Ex-p is a cunt.

Withholding financial support for a child is a type of abuse.

It is also extremely damaging to the wellbeing of the child, especially in this difficult financial climate

The child is treated with contempt and the withholding parent must have no self respect to do something like this. My ex pays more to keep his dog each month Our son is worth less than a pet dog

What about the people who are struggling to provide a roof over the child's head, or food, clothes etc.

I totally wasn't aware that so many people are awarded only the minimum amount each month.

I am three grand in debt, built up over the last five years-the occasional trip to the seaside, Christmas presents, gas bills.
I am planning to pay it off as soon as I can, but what gets me is that ds's dad has no debts at all. If I had been getting child support these last five years, I would have no debt either.
He doesn't get why that makes me angry..?!

Nellnewman I lived with my gp from age 14 and they were lovely to me even though I wasn't the easiest teenager (understatement). So I take my hat off to you, not an easy situation.

My exh was bought out and had £25,000 from me and that's one of the reasons I hate him so much. He insisted it was his share and he was entitled to it but when it comes to his kids he won't part with a penny.

Karma is going to seriously bite him on the bum

"in the cases of short term flings/ONS leading to pregnancy I don't think it's fair (on anyone) to take 20% or whatever of all future earnings. "

Look, all adults know that sex can lead to pregnancy. If it does, you have to deal with the consequences and you pay for your child.Both of you.

Am I allowed to stop paying for her too SC? I didn't choose not to have an abortion, due to still taking the pill I still had periods and did not find out I was PG until it was too late for abortion.

She wants a netbook for x-mas who do I send the bill to?

It's simple. If you have sex this could result in pregnancy. Both adults involved must bear the consequences of this.

I don't blame her for being angry, if she is, and that's not clear. It would be different if a woman told a man she was on the pill, and wasn't, and effectively tricked him into making a baby, but that has got to be pretty rare.
You can't get pregnant on your own, and if you have brought a child into the world, it is your child and you are responsible.

Nope not angry at all. I just think your argument is a silly one. All adults know that sex may lead to babies and that contraception can fail. All men know that ultimately abortion is the womans decision, as it should be. If they want to be 100% sure they're not going to have to pay for children they do not want they are free to abstain from sex until they're ready for children. As are women.

OP if your ex is deliberatly not paying then I feel sad for you - one day DC will know all that you did for them.

I would just say though that tarring all Dads paying the min as abusers is a bit strong. There are plenty of Mums on benefits for example who you could say aren't financially supporting their DC but often they have a good reason, perhaps wanting to study so they can get a better job when DC are older for example.

I know someone who supported his ex doing a job he hated and working long hours so she could be a sahm while DC were young and even paying for her to do an English degree too. Now they have split, he is studying for his degree and she has decided to reduce contact because he is only paying minimal csa - the fact that he will ultimately get a better job and be able to pay more seems to be wasted on her......

So just making the point that non all NRPS paying the lowest amount are deadbeat abusers.

I agree that it's not that simple. My ex is not salting away lots of dosh whilst not paying. He's choosing to have (shall we say ..) a minimalistic lifestyle financially.

He loves his children. I have no doubt of that. He just expresses it differently. I honestly don't think he's capable of converting his intentions into actions.

Would I wish to stop his access because of this? No. The kids would suffer.

Would I have chosen this situation? No. Which brings me back to my previous comment regarding economics of sex.

It's not always women that are caught out. My DP wished to co parent 50% -because that was his set up prior to his ex having an affair leading to the marital breakdown.

She removed the DC and stopped his access whilst accepting £400 a month. He never quibbled and always paid and pays extra for clothes, school trips and a host of other stuff. After a prolonged expensive court battle she was forced to let him have access. That's not fair either. I've seen him cry - losing the chance to live with his DC ...well words fail me but it devastated him.

I am lucky in a way because my ex does love his son, and visits him regularly (we live in different parts of the country).
He just wont step up and be a man for him. I do worry that my ds basically has no decent male role model, and I will do what I can to protect him from the knowledge that his father is a deadbeat loser. I chat about "daddy" a lot and always say nice things about him, because I don't want ds to hate him, and I do want them to have a good relationship, but when he says things like "daddy is never in a grumpy mood" it's really hard not to yell "that's because Daddy isn't working on freelance projects every night after you go to bed, having no social life and worrying day and night about the bills!!!"
(I don't yell this btw!)

I was with him on and off for around 4 years. He told me he would pay for and see dd1 if I married him and left my home, job and friends behind to live with him as a housewife. Needless to say I declined this kind offer

"I have an issue with the small group of women who want the man's money but not his involvement - even if he is willing and capable of giving it. I vehemently disagree that (potentially good) fathers are dispensable"

A child has a right to not have their continuing contact with a non-resident parent obstructed because of financial concerns.

I think it's desperately hard for the resident parent. I take my hat off to all of you women on this thread who are raising children without the emotional or financial support of the other parent. What you are doing is heroic.

At times I feel frustrated, tired, exhausted, depressed and angry...really angry...that I'm paying to bring up three lovely DC that he benefits from.

However I am their mother. The one they shout at, cry at, have PMT with, talk to, hug, draw pictures for, whinge to, talk about their day, express their frustrations, hopes and fears.

Would I forego that to be an (absent) parent with financial freedom?

nah

Nell and all the other grandparents raising their grandchildren are more than saints . I am a firm supporter of the welfare state, I hope grandparents in Nell's circumstances will be net winners in the redistribution of the welfare budget. The welfare state needs to return to the principles of supporting those who have difficulties supporting themselves and dependants, not condoning absent parents who fail to take financial responsibilities (when they can) and leaving their children in many cases supported by the state.

I'm actually happier that exH doesn't pay anything. I know that children aren't 'pay per view' before anyone trots out that line - but I also know from friends that paying maintenance does tend to remind men that they have a child out there, and they can often become manipulative in retaliation to having to payout. I did make a CSA application when DS was younger, although nothing came of it.

I have been able to balance the books without the need for maintenance, thanks to family support, so I don't feel we've missed out, and we're happy to have escaped the mess of prohibited steps orders and being prevented to move house/schools which I know other single parents have had to deal with. I would never have blocked access but I can't deny that I'm relieved that we never had to deal with the hassle.