How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

[hiddenhome]

So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

To be honest with most men if their not paying money their usually crap at Turning up and other things as well

northernwreck sorry but men who loves their child make sure their feed and have clothing.

Just taking them out to play in my view doe not imply love at all

A good parent ensures all their child's needs are meet

A man who palms their ex off with money and never sees their child is not better than a man who turns up every week with empty pockets

I went through a phase of being angry and then I channelled that anger into giving my dd the best start in life possible. Now I don't want or need his money.

Bet the bloody Daily Mail don't pick this story up

Well, yeah, Maypole. I kind of agree. I am just trying to make the best of it for the sake of ds. My options are: hate his idiot father and refuse to let him see his son, or, involve him in ds's life and let my son decide for himself when he is older.
In the past, when ds's dad and I have argued about money I have said things along the lines of "you have no right to be a part of his life" at which ex P is just incredulous and makes out I am totally unreasonable.
He just does not seem to understand. He really does think that if I am struggling (lost my job last year so things have been rough) I should turn to the state to support me, and not him. And I say this as a vehement supporter of the welfare state.
Ex P is healthy, intelligent and able, and so am I. I am doing my utmost to find more work and claw my way back up to solvency, but he is doing nothing. He sees it as my job.

The fact that all of us on here are just about managing to make ends meet, save the odd debt or two and lack of luxuries (lack of essentials in some cases), is neither here nor there. When two people create a life they should both be responsible for supporting that child as he/she grows up, with emotional, practical and financial support. It's called being a parent.

If the RP doesn't need or want child support from their ex, they should still claim it because it's the child's right to be supported by both parents. If the RP doesn't need it to live on, they can put it in a savings account for the child to access when they are 18, 21 or 25.

If I won the lottery tonight I'd still chase the CSA because my DS deserves to be supported by both parents, not just one, and his father should step up to the plate and pay his way regardless of how much or how little money I have. Although in a situation like this I wouldn't need the money, it's the principle.

I just want to say something at this point of the thread. When I talked earlier about "karma" and the like this was NOT in any way shape or form a dig at any of us. Truly.

The point I was trying to make, and one that I think is utterly valid (and I think I might head over to the MN Campaign section to start a thread about this) is that we are somehow conditioned to think this way. I'm not talking about the way we, who have been financially abandoned, actually COPE with this on an emotional/practical level, because YES! I talk about "karma" and "he is the one that has missed out" myself.

I am talking about the way that this financial abandonment is utterly accepted by society, shrugged off and the sop that is meted out is that of some great "divine" retribution, all the while letting these arseholes get away with it.

The other interesting point raised over and over again on this thread is the great fear that people have of that financial contribution = control. How AWFUL. (Don't get me wrong, I understand how these posters feel, it took me 10 years to pluck up the courage to put in a CSA claim) The onus should be placed firmly, and squarely with the NRP that a proportion of their income goes FOR THEIR CHILDREN no ifs, ands or buts BY LAW.

I stray from the initial point of this thread, we're all in a unique set of circumstances which is why this is so hard but we all have a common thread and are likely to have gone through very similar internal emotional battles with ourselves. My heart goes out to you all.
I try to deal with my anger by trying to do 'something', it helps me to think I can help others in similar circumstances so they don't have to struggle in the way I have. I love the idea of some 'relationships may end but being a dad doesn't'. There's some really insightful things on here. Would people mind if I start a call round to newspapers to see if I can spark some interest in this thread and see if someone, somewhere will champion out stories?

I don't want or need money from my ex husband. He can contribute in any way that he wishes to her life. He can buy her clothes, pay for her activities, set up a bank account from her but there is no need for his money to ever enter my bank account.

Oh wait on that Pheonix.

The problem is that although we're "anonymous" here, it can be pretty easy in some cases to track posters down (and has been experienced by a few), I think some of us are pretty wary of letting the media into these sorts of threads (after Riven's experience).

Best way to publicise is through an MN Campaign thread where people can namechange to protect their families and themselves fully before contributing.

I agree Shirley, don't want to dampen your enthusiasm Phoenix but I'm very recognisable from what I've said. Although I won't be quoted with this name

I'll start a thread in MN Campaigns tomorrow - I'm slightly pie eyed tonight

I hope your ex settles down Phoenix :(

That sounds very abusive.

It makes me glad I just have an inadequate ex - he used to be abusive but I think his bitterness has left him

My ex pays nothing and I'm pretty sure he never will. He claims benefits and works cash-in-hand. That's his shit life, not mine.

I can cope emotionally because I've had much harder things than this to deal with before and I think that puts everything into perspective. I have a wonderful daughter to be very happy for, and nothing is going to stand in my way of that.

Shirley A campaign is a great idea and one I'll support wholeheartedly. This acceptability in our society of NRPs abdicating all responsibility for their kids needs to be changed. It needs to become socially unacceptable to neglect children in this way because until it is, nothing will change and parents will continue to walk away from their kids without a backwards glance.

Count me in.

I totally understand what you're saying TSC, and I agree.

My two fabulous children (and they are FUCKING FABULOUS) are my pride and joy, and I did that...I raised them, I paid for them (and continue to do so) and I have been LUCKY that their father hasn't decided to make life even harder by putting us all through pointless and meaningless court battles, when it would only be a stick to beat US with (because, let's be honest here, he "loves" them, as far as his ability to love extends - which doesn't seem to reach the outer limits of making sure they have shoes that fit, or the obligatory blazer for school, or even seeing them anymore...)

When I talk about passivity, I am talking in a broad sense - I am talking about the fact that we all brush this out of our lives - so that we CAN cope, so that we can GET ON WITH IT and do the best by our kids - It's understandable, it's a necessity, don't make it right on a social level though does it?

Also - I'm so sorry hiddenhome that I have hijacked your thread with all this. I know you were calling out for techniques to help you get through your anger and instead of providing this, I have upped the ante and stoked the flames!

I'm new to this, can someone point in the right direction tomorrow and I'm in too? I'll respect all of your wishes and do it that way too, didn't realise we could be identified!

I will link to the new thread here pheonix.

You can't be identified - only silly old posters like me who have blurted stuff across the internet and are slightly recognisable!

I've seen your thread and I'll name change tomorrow and support it 100%

You are right that we all just have to carry on and deal with life rather than waste our energy feeling angry. But that doesn't make it right they get away with it. I've had 7 years of this crap now. I'm better at dealing with it but it's draining when you're working 35 hrs and doing everything else.

When the Tories make their decisions about benefit cheats and scroungers I swear they must be thinking of my ex. I so wanted them to make him shovel snow for his dole. The only reason he doesn't work is ecause he'd have to pay the csa. He TOLD me this

My XH has 20.00 a week come straight out of his wages to pay for my our 9 yr old daughter. I can see by reading this thread that that is better than most but for me I do think it sucks. He doesnt help towards anything else, refuses to pay even 3.00 so my girl could take a musical instrument home ( and he would get it back once instrument was recurned). It may seem a lot but wen u think clothing, school clothes, general little things u have to pay for school eg trips, non uniform days etc, food, hot water, clubs the list goes on it really isn't much at all. He sees her once a month if that. After 4 years at school he now decides to show interest but tells me I have to do this and that if there's a prob....he asks how she is wen he decides to call and if she has had a bad week like last week being horrible to me then he replies ' ah bless its her age' says nothing to her to support me. Hate him, he cheated on me with an older woman, now has a son with her and shows little interest in our girl . But I do try to be civil, for her sake. Deep down I guess I'm angry at him but I've come to learn I can't stress over him he is a waste of space. My girl has s great step dad now who steps up to the plate and is far better dad to her then her biological dad.

Excuse spelling using phone and has mind of its own!

I'm another, not receiving a penny & never have from my ex. Makes me angry as he is driving about in his £100k car, but he does not work as he has so much money he does not have too, so as he is not earning, he does not have to pay!

I had to leave him when DD was 4 days old as he was violent & I did not want my baby to be brought up around him.

I even went to see David Cameron about how women in violent relationships sometimes can't afford to leave the relationship or have to go back to ex partner as the CSA are so bloody useless.

Ex has not seen DD and nor have his family, he said she is dead to him.

I would love to 'name & shame' him as I also found out about another child I knew nothing about that he has & I wonder how many more there are. It would not surprise me if someone else on this thread is writing about my ex!

There are photo's of my DD and David Cameron on my profile (if anyone is interested).