How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

[hiddenhome]

So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

Yes it's true, my mother and I lived above my grandads butchers shop in one room cos my dad was a useless waste of oxygen. He didn't even pay the £5 a week the CSA ( or the 30 year old equivalent) ordered. I'm always grateful he never wanted to see me though.

The Father of my DD, wont even acknowledge she exists. Its so sad, i do honestly want to chuck a brick through his window.

hiddenhome to bloody right I did the same I told him to ask ex as when i was a single mother I just couldn't afford it

Ex used to promise Dinsey world, bikes, expensive clothing that never happened my son dose not ask him for anything any more thinks he's a liar and a looser and happy to say me and oh managed to take son to Dinsey world last year.

He is a complete loser the newest addition gose to private school paid by him and has had the best of everything.

It amazing how he can pick and choose which child he will love

Another one here who's never received a penny in child maintenance. CSA had a brief go about 7 years ago, to no avail.. self employed and fiddling his books, but i don't care anymore - DS1 is nearly 23 and knows full well what the situation has been, thats one of the reasons he really doesn't give a shit about his dad. DS2 is sussing it too now..

As others have said, i've got my lovely boys, 'dad' has karma to bite him at some point.

at everyone's experiences.

Horribly sad thread.

And only the tip of the iceberg.

Terrible how men can behave like this.

What I don't get is how it is socially acceptable for men to not support their children and have no contact with them.

Maybe is there was more social pressure then it wouldn't be so common? I don't understand why the friends and families of these useless fathers aren't pressurising them to do the right thing?

Am I just being incredibly naive?

XP told me that if he paid me the £25 a week for DS that the CSA were asking, he would have to give up his house and his oldest DD would become homeless, and it would be my fault.
So now I get £43.33 a month - I swear I don't know how XP worked that one out, he set the amount himself and I let him, just astounded at his skinflintery. I laugh at him. Was bitter for years.
Now I just laugh because he is a twunt and not worth my feelings. I float my own boat and no thanks to him.

It is a sad thread, and it's a fucking disgrace that more isn't done to make these 'parents' face up to their responsibilities. The poster upthread who said we as a society put more importance on chasing parking fines really struck a chord with me. The fact that single parents are the ones that are vilified by the media grates on me - it should be those parents that walk away without a backward glance that should be vilified, not those of us who raise the kids, juggle work, childcare and finances, all under the glare of a society that dares to judge us because the media has made a scapegoat of single parents.

When my DS was about 1, I discovered that his dad had fathered other children with other women during the four years we'd been together and I'd known nothing about it. At last count he had a total of 5 kids with 4 different women, and as far as I'm aware he doesn't see any of them. It's a disgrace that men get away with this kind of behaviour without a second thought for the poor children they leave behind, or the mothers who one day will have to explain the whole sorry saga to their DC .

These are the kind of parents the media should be focusing on and levelling the blame at, not the parent who actually gets on and does the job of bringing up the children, often under extremely challenging circumstances.

No splashy. You are utterly right.

It's so interesting the whole "They'll get their karma" and "our children will love us more" stuff on this thread.

I'm NOT attacking anyone here BTW, just musing how passive it is - there's a whole movement for men, Fathers for Justice, for men who feel hard done by as far as contact is concerned...I'm racking my brain for a "Pay For Your Child" movement..Oh yes, that's right...there isn't one...

We are conditioned to Not be angry, that'll hurt the children (that we're caring for, paying for) Not Object (that'll hurt the children, don't fight or the man will "win") Be a Saint (no anger, nothing but acceptance)

I'm sure everyone is glazing over - but please? Isn't there something gone wrong here?

Maybe it should be a MN campaign Shirley?

'Get men to take responsibility for their children' .. or something far more pithy which I'm too tired to come up with now.

Softkitty, I totally agree with you about single mums being vilified. We do an incredibly hard job.

You're absolutely right Shirley. I was staggered by how many people didn't know about the CSA changes (introducing charges to use it, taxing it) coming into effect. I got quite involved in that campaign. I got precisely nowhere. I got a clearly proforma letter back from my MP 9 weeks after sending it (and haven't had a reply to my counter letter since) and no reply whatsoever from Maria Miller, who was overseeing these changes.

Most single mothers work. Most single mothers are in their 30s and are single following relationship breakdown. Only 2% of single mothers are unmarried teens, despite what the DAily Mail would have people believe. For every single mother out there, there is a father. I see very little policy aimed at them, however. Most is aimed squarely at the benefit-scrounging single mothers, who, let's face it, if the father's actually lived up to their responsibilities, might not need any of those benefits in the first place.

I think there is something wrong with it! No one can change the men that walk away or treat their children so badly. No one can make them love their kids in the unconditional way that all on this thread do. Nothing beats the bond I have with our daughter and I look at her and I know why I do everything I do but it shouldn't be this hard. It is inequitable and it isn't 'right'.
That's why I'm angry, it's a natural emotion and it is positive. It tells us that something isn't right.
I accept that's how I feel, that it is understandable and I try to channel it. I want to raise awareness of this cause, for my daughter, for me and so no one else has to endure this or fight so hard for justice for their kids.
They will realise in the long term but at what cost in the mean time?

Shirley, I battled with my ex for years to have a full relationship with his DS. In fact I bullied him into it and as soon as I stopped 'bullying' him in to it, hey presto he stopped having a relationship with his son. He pays maintenance, but I'd give every penny of it up so that my son could feel the love a child should feel from his father. It will never happen. I don't see anything other than preserving my own sanity and ensuring my son doesn't become too badly affected by his father's lack of love for him. In my opinion some men just don't have the capacity to put anyone else before themselves. I also blame myself, I was also rejected by my father and suspect I went for a man who would never commit to anyone else but himself. I feel so sad for all of you on here who have to deal with these heartless man who reject their children. I know I would much rather be in the skin of a person who has the capacity to love beyond anything I ever imagined and have the love I receive in return from my son. Despite our sadness, we're also very privileged people - we know how to love. I feel blessed. My ex is a cunt and he always will be.

Nothing for 17years. Should I have been angry for 17 years? No, its too tiring when you're busy working my arse off to bring DC up.

Just another selfish cock.

btw friend of mine who lives abroad, took her ex to court for child support. He failed to pay the arrears and the court has just ordered him to prison for 3 months. When he gets out, if he doesn't pay all arrears in a short time, he goes back for another 6 months. The court does this automatically as once they have given the order, it is their case. Friend is entirely spared the stress of having to deal with it.

I haven't seen DSs father since I was 8 months pregnant when he told me he was seeing someone else and thought we "ought to call it a day".

He's never been in touch since, he's never enquired after DS, he's never contributed a penny, absolutely nothing. He wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street.

But reading some of your experiences, I think we are the lucky ones.

I get £5 a week too.

EXP has two jobs. Also we have irregular, and frankly laughable excuse for contact (pick up DS, nip out for chippy tea, back within a couple of hours, once a month).

shirley, splash and sunshine I like your thinking...

Completely agree with ShirleyKnot. It's bad enough that there are so many babies out there as a result of unplanned PGs or casual flings where there is no hope of proper maintenance from the father, but when it happens with children who are the result of marriage or long-term committed relationships and planned and wanted on both sides, it's a bloody disgrace. Something really needs to change as the country absolutely cannot afford to continue with this. I suspect we also have a situation where some men on a lowish income realise that if they actually paid a decent amount of CS out of their wages they'd be worse off than if they just stay on the dole and have an excuse for paying nothing, or pointless derisory amounts.

Wow. And yet we still peddle the fantasy of princes, weddings, marriage, babies and happily ever after to girls growing up. This thread should be required reading for all girls. Prioritise education and skills instead of bagging one of these idiots, and make your own way in the world. Never put yourself in the position of depending on another adult financially unless you want to end up in the sorry states described on this thread.

Yup NewGirl. Teenagers should be taught the economics of sex and relationships.

ShirleyKnot -I agree with you but I also agree with DrHelen's No, its too tiring when you're busy working my arse off to bring DC up

When I divorced, my feminist principle was to divide everything 50/50. I thought the women who walked away with 60/40 splits or more were 'sponging' off a man. CM should be just for that ...and last as long as there is a child...

My CM lasted 2 months - he had his 50% and now pays zilch, nada, zero. It took a year to get the CSA on the case (wouldn't go against a consent order even though he wasn't complying) CSA were very fast to set it up but 2 months later he then 'set' his own figure (reducing it obviously).... and now zero. The CSA know and do nothing.

If I had to pay them for their work I'd be out of pocket. It would not be worth my time/money.

A society which allows women to bear the financial cost of bringing up children needs change. I'm also nor sure exactly how the CSA would get my ex to pay up. He would go underground, become unemployed....anything rather than pay

You do have to draw a line over how much energy/emotion/money you spend trying to get a man to take financial responsibility for raising their child.

Single mothers are to blame for everything

I know there are loads of Dads out there who interact with their DC and pay the appropriate CM, live in poor circumstances themselves and wish they could see their DC more often but can't because of distance/work/obstructive ex. I wouldn't wish to tar them with the same brush as the inseminators on this thread

I'm not in this situation so only have limited insight - but I see plenty of deadbeat dads through my work and my lip curls with contempt every time.

I agree with Shirley - it is worth being angry about. A campaign of some sort would be great. Perhaps something that could effectively bounce off some of the more high-profile Father's for Justice stunts. "Some men climb Tower Bridge dressed as superman - others can't give up £1 a week for their children" type thing.

Someone mentioned social pressure - that might be something a campaign could focus on. Plenty of people who aren't in this situation themselves must know men who don't pay for their kids - friends, or husbands/partners of friends. If people expressed their distaste for these men, or stopped socialising with them, I wonder how effective it would be? I don't know anyone personally who doesn't pay for their children (although I know someone whose wife gets nothing from her ex for her eldest son and recently met someone else whose ex messes her around with payment) but I do have an extended family member who pays for his children from his first marriage but doesn't bother with them much - various family members have made comments to him and I openly told him on one occasion that he was out of order with one particular issue. It hasn't made a massive difference but it did seem to get him focussed on keeping contact arrangements, even if they aren't particularly regular.

Perhaps those of us who come across people like this need to be more ready to challenge them - they are not entitled to our admiration or our company. If they find that people aren't interested in socialising with them in their cosy new lives perhaps they might start having a look at themselves, even if only out of self-interest.

I think that the points I was making last night were more... Abstract I think. Of COURSE you can't be angry at a particular person for 17/20/50 years, but it is completely RIGht to be angry at a system, and a society that allows men to walk away without looking back...without any consequences at all.

i think part of the reason for a lack of campaign is that we are all so busy bringing up our wonderful DCs, that we can't be arsed to dress up as wonder woman and absail down big ben...but we do need a high profile campaign...we need to stress that deadbeat dads aren't just confined to jeremy kyle, that this happens in all areas of society and some men see maintenance avoidance or lack of contact as away of punishing the mother of their children at the end of a relationship. Thirty years ago, drink driving was borderline 'acceptable', it is now a very different picture. I honestly think some blokes slap each other on the back for avoiding child maintenance or interaction with their children.

some big celeb dad- Jamie Oliver - David Beckham, heading a campaign to promote parental responsibility. 'relationships might end, being a dad doesn't'.

'real men pay for their kids, see their kids, love their kids. man up. be the dad you want to be'.

As for me? XP is an alcoholic, little interaction with DCs unless it suits him, he lives with his gf and their DD, doesn't work, pays nothing and has paid nothing for around 7 years now. We get by, just, because my kids have low expectations as regards the accumulation of 'stuff' and because I am incredibly frugal. I work full time in a job I love and have never had a family holiday. the Dcs don't go on school holidays etc - his gf pays for him to go on several holidays a year - that's fine, that's her money and I would rather have my smashing DCs than be an emasculated pet.

In the past, I have sent my children to school with parcel tape around their shoes because I couldn't afford a new pair until tax credits day. I have watered down bedtime milk, because I couldn't afford a pint until child benefit day. we have lived, inventively hand-to-mouth. I think anger is healthy sometimes, because if we just accept this shit, it will always be seen as a bit of a lark to get one over on the ex-missus by not paying for your kids.

Do you think that a little bit of us blam ourselves for making such poor choices of man in the first place?

I do. I think I have 'you make your bed and you lie in it' attitude about it. I didn't plan to be in this situation and was very young when I married but I consciously chose to do that.