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Original poster

How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

157 replies

hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 14:02

So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son Hmm It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money Sad

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 18/11/2011 22:06

Strikethrough didn't work :(

ShirleyKnot · 18/11/2011 22:08

I cross posted BTW with sunshine and lavander.

(that sounds like the start of a lovely poem)

ShirleyKnot · 18/11/2011 22:11

Oh. And I know I'm doing a short thread-hog here.

But YES! I can't imagine how hard it is for those lone parents who have to fight every decision and have the constant refrain of "I pay my way" as if that makes them special.

It's what you're supposed to do FFS, and it doesn't always equal parenting.

GRRRR. Angry

GrownUpSparkler · 18/11/2011 22:17

I was a bit annoyed when DSs father decided he was just going to jack in work, go back to college and then university, and eventually doing teacher training, without any provision for his son. Five years of no financial support, him and his partner both students, leaving me a single mum of two to support his son and my daughter alone. I had to give up college at this point because I couldn't afford it, so my dreams got shelved because I put the children first. I've ended up paying for things that they went out and started and then decided they couldn't afford to continue, birthday parties and swimming lessons, which I had no input in until they needed money. I would never see my son go without, and go without so he doesn't have to, and sometimes I feel so bloody mad that he can just drop the responsibility to suit himself. I stay strong with the knowledge that when he is qualified and earning that he'll have to pay more maintenance, which will make up for five years without.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 22:19

My XP likes to call the shots and dodge child support. He wrote a letter of 'complaint' about various trivial things that he identified over the summer Hmm He also complains because I don't make a sunday roast every week! He dragged me to court for all this contact, then he's spending his time working and dropping contact visits left, right and centre Hmm

All mouth and trousers methinks.

OP posts:
GrownUpSparkler · 18/11/2011 22:26

And don't get me started on DDs father... she is a beautiful, wonderful child and he has nothing to do with her. She asks why her daddy doesn't see her when DSs daddy does, and it breaks my heart. Kick myself for being such a bad judge of men's character, these two amazing little people deserve so much more and I'll dedicate my life to making sure they know how loved they are.

littlemisssarcastic · 18/11/2011 22:34

I feel the same ShirleyKnot. I gain no comfort from knowing that one day DD will realise what a completely vile revolting waste of skin her father is. Sad

The only person who will suffer more than anyone else is my DD. How much XP suffers is something I don't give a monkey's toss about, I only care about how much he is hurting DD. Angry

TheSecondComing · 18/11/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/11/2011 22:35

Some awful stories on here. It beggars belief that there are so many 'men' like this in the world.

I was with my ex for over 4 years and lived together/engaged. My DS was planned, then 17 weeks into the pregnancy I discovered he'd been fucking seeing some trollop behind my back. I told him to leave but still wanted him to be involved with the baby. The first inkling that he thought differently was two days before my 20 week scan when he text me, that's right he text me, to tell me he wouldn't be coming to the scan. After that I only recall seeing him one other time while I was pregnant, at which time he told me I looked "massive". No shit, sherlock Hmm.

Despite me trying to get him involved with DS (just after he was born), my ex has never wanted to see my son - his choice. He didn't pay a penny for the first three years. Then, after I made numerous phone calls to the CSA and wrote three letters to my MP, I started getting £12.50 per month. Big fucking wow. He's an expert at CSA Avoidance (I think there's a book on this that they all read, you know) and two and a half years on, I'm still chasing the CSA to get a decent amount of maintenance. They've got as far as reassessing him and I know what I should be getting per month, but they are quite frankly useless at getting the money from him. He's supposed to have a DEO on his salary but I've not received anything - I haven't even received the £12.50 this month - so I'll be ringing the CSA again first thing on Monday. And so it goes on.

Sorry, I've waffled on. In answer to the original question, it's very hard to detach yourself emotionally from the complete and utter lack of interest these men have in their children. It's emotional for us because we love our amazing, beautiful, clever children, and can't understand why their other parent doesn't feel the same. It's also hard when the entire financial responsibility falls to you. I'm in debt and can't see a way out of it. If I'd have been receiving the proper amount of child support for my DS all along, then I wouldn't have built up the debt. On the way home from school on a Friday I usually buy my DS the latest issue of Dr Who Adventures magazine. I'm so skint right now that I can't even afford £2.50 for that. Little things like that make me feel fucking angry, tbh. A few people on this thread have mentioned karma. Well, I just hope she's reading this thread.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 18/11/2011 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splashymcsplash · 18/11/2011 22:38

Sadly this all sounds very familiar to me.

Dd's father is refusing to pay child support or contribute towards her nursery. He demands contact when it suits him, and refused repeatedly to see dd on a schedule. After not giving in to him, he did finally agree to a schedule of Saturday each week (his choice). He then turned up for one Saturday, then didn't turn up for the next as he was 'working'. Stupid idiot put on fb how he was seeing his friends that day. This is all after me going out of my way to facilitate contact as I do think that children benefit from knowing their fathers (for the most part at least). He didn't even turn up to her first birthday or call to see how she was doing.

I just feel emotionally drained now. :(

ShirleyKnot · 18/11/2011 22:48

Maybe it's time for an MN campaign?

Maybe it's time for this to become an actual issue?

I have to admit that part of my rage stems from the whole "ah, we have to just accept it, because otherwise the poison of anger destroys all of our lives"

I do that. I LIVE THAT. Isn't there something inherently WRONG in that?

That we are all are (and I think that this thread is a tiny example of us - the US that get fucked) saying quietly that we have to accept it and some cosmic power will "get" our feckless, deadbeat Dads?

That's shit isn't it?

ShirleyKnot · 18/11/2011 22:48

*are should be HERE, Here on this thread

Original poster
hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 22:52

I agree ShirleyKnot.

OP posts:
Pheonix37 · 18/11/2011 22:58

I'm very interested to read this, I'm not alone, what a relief. My ex has been abusive and has used money to control me for the last 4 years, since our little one was born. He paid the rent, the HP on a car, bought me a horse, and gave me £1500 maintenance per month. It was always if you don't do this then you're not getting any money, I'm not paying the rent, have your horse shot... He was the bully and I was the victim, until I hit the floor and realised I couldn't live like it anymore. Not for me and not for our daughter, I was becoming a wreck. He stopped everything, overnight, with no warning in April 2010. We had to move out, the car was repossessed (can't afford those things on a part time salary) and I lost my beautiful horse in August last year. Since then we have had nothing but hassle. I have waited 12 months for a CSA Tribunal hearing and have just learnt that he is spending in excess of £150k per annum but has to pay £200 per month maintenance. To top it all off he has been 'overpaying' for the last 12 months and has to give £10 per month maintenance for the next year when he is spending £13,000.
I am angry.
The CSA are supposed to be there to look after the children. I'm struggling to keep food on the table, he tells me he doesn't give a f88k what happens to her when she's not with him, takes her to 5 star hotels, changes her out of her designer clothes at a service station on the way home to me and plays the wonderful Dad.
Sick.

ToothbrushThief · 18/11/2011 23:03

I do accept it. Not sure that I should but I do.

No money from their Dad.

He's inadequate.

I wish it wasn't this way, but it is

Original poster
hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 23:04

Sad Pheonix37 what a bastard.

OP posts:
effingwotsits · 18/11/2011 23:06

We have received nothing from dh's ex for my dsd's for 6 years. We are so skint we lost our house last year.

Yes I am bitter, but what can I do? Sweet fa that's what Sad

BluddyMoFo · 18/11/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 23:08

Why don't these blokes have any sense of responsibility? Don't they care what their children think of them? I don't keep it a secret from ds that his father pays no child support. He used to ask me for stuff that perhaps I couldn't afford then huff when I explained that I couldn't afford it and why didn't he ask his father. He knows he's too mean.

I won't defend him. Why should I? Me and dh are doing enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 18/11/2011 23:09

Sad effingwotsits

OP posts:
effingwotsits · 18/11/2011 23:10

And women can be just as heartless in failing to provide for their kids. She took everything dh had then dumped them like a sloppy shit and moved abroad, gloating that he'd never see his money again.

He is such a good man and I'm so happy the kids have got him

maypole1 · 18/11/2011 23:12

My ex pays nothing

He has a few children is not with any of the mothers and wil
Be at 35 spending Christmas al one with his mum And her cats

Whilst I am spending it with my lovely oh,son and wider family

ShirleyKnot · 18/11/2011 23:13

Yes. It cuts both ways effinwotsits

However, the vast majority of women in this country are fighting a ceaseless, pointless battle against the men who fuck off and leave their children.

It's awful when women do the same, but very rare statistically.

Dee03 · 18/11/2011 23:15

After 10 years I still feel angry and bitter...and I feel guilt Sad.......i feel guilty that I chose to marry a man who then left when our dc were 1 and 3 and be hadn't seen them since.....the CSA are bloody useless and I've had loads of hassle over the years....I now receive about £10 a week......oh joy!!!!!!!!!!!
It grates me that there are so many men who do this to their kids.......Sad