How do you manage emotionally if you receive no child support?

[hiddenhome]

So, I found out yesterday that I'll only be receiving £5 a week from ex partner for teenage son It's worthless, so I'll just give it to ds1 for pocket money.

We can manage financially (don't have lavish lifestyle) and I work, but that's not the point. I should be receiving a reasonable amount from ex partner for this child, which he wanted after all.

How do you stop feeling angry, bitter etc.? I don't want to keep thinking about this issue. I just want to get on with life. He doesn't see him that often. He tells ds1 that he's putting money into a savings plan for him, but pays for absolutely nothing that ds1 needs, doesn't even send presents or pocket money

What do you tell yourself to make the anger go away?

(I'm not saying that I'm right in that attitude - just that I think it's what makes me accept stuff)

My ex has never been involved or provided financially. I didn't feel angry until I lost my job and am now "on the lowest rung of society". I spend a lot of time feeling guilty for being a rubish mum unable to provide the little extra's my son needs. Life on benefits is hell and all you hear is how your scum living the life of riley, the reality is so different. Having you 6 year old tell you that it doesn't mater if Father Christmas doesn't bring him anything as he knows I dont have an money to give him kills me. It would be so much easier if I could hate the ex rather than myself. The way the media portrays single parents has a lot to answer to.

In retrospect I take responsibility for placing the children in such a situation, I was naive about relationships and contraception, and I had unplanned babies with irresponsible men. I will spend the rest of my life doing my best to ensure that this doesn't negatively affect my children, I've stepped up to the plate, and I've learned from my mistakes too.

And I do have a righteous anger against any person who would leave a child and work against the other parent's effort to raise them well. I would never do it myself, and I ensure my DP now does not slack when it comes to time spent and money invested in his son, and I take every step I can to ensure my DCs dads take responsibility in any way I can enforce. I would support any public condemnation of men who do not pay maintenance, it's ridiculous the lengths some go to to get away with paying nothing or the minimal amount.

I had a contraceptive failure. He'd asked me if I would have children with him at some point in the future and I said no. A few months later my pill failed and he wanted to get rid

I still find it hard to feel anger because of how much he is missing out on. My biggest emotion is guilt and sadness. Mainly for his parents. They don't even know dd1 exists. His mum always wanted a little girl. Not long after dd1 turned one she announced the birth of her first grandson (to his brother) in the local paper. I constantly toy with the idea of writing to his parents and telling them about dd1 and offering them the chance of knowing her, but no doubt he'd deny she was his and tell them I was crazy and you'd believe your own son over some woman you've only met a handful of times wouldn't you? Plus dd1 does not want to know them. As far as she is concerned DH's mum is her Grandma and his niece and dear depearted nephew are her cousins. She wants nothing to do with ex or his family.

XP doesn't pay. In a way I feel quite glad about this because my dad always tried to squirm out of paying when we were growing up and was very, very bitter about the fact he was having to pay her money. Every time we went he would ask us (pretending to be nice/interested) if she'd got a job yet, if she'd given up smoking yet, if we still had pets, if we'd been on holiday, etc. And then he'd sneer at how she was spending "his" money. We were quite unaware of it at the time, and then someone maliciously reported my mum for benefit fraud and she had to go through a long and stressful investigation for something she hadn't done and after that she said she was sorry to put us in this position but she banned us from saying anything to our dad about her life, apart from "She's fine thanks". Funnily enough after this he never actually asked any more anyway. It was only after this that I could look back and see what he'd been doing before.

I think XP should support DS but I don't want him ever to feel that gives him any kind of control over my life or how I spend it. Even if he doesn't actually have that right. I'm sure as hell not giving him a chance to feel that important to me. And it's moot anyway as we'd get about £2.50 a week. If the CSA actually worked and enforced it and it was all done through a system I might change my mind. But paying for the privilege of XP feeling I owe him something? Fuck that.

Perhaps we should all name and shame. I wonder how long before that thread gets pulled

I'd love to name and shame hiddenhome, but unfortunately I am in deep enough water with mumsnet atm .

I fear it would lead to me being totally banned from the site. A deleted post/thread doesn't bother me, but I do love to come on here.

Another here with a wanker of an exh
Pays £5 a week straight from his dole
Owes me £2,500 in arrears from when he eas working but left his job as soon as an attachment of earnings was got by the csa
He blamed me that he can't work now. The csa will put another aoe on him and he'll have to give me money. Those awful csa people. He's just not prepared to earn money then give it all to them.
He actually said that to me
Ok for us to be short if money though. Ok for me to work full time
He's another who fights for contact that he doesn't actually want
Haven't seen or heard from him in 6 weeks now

I'm enjoying the peace tbh

Do you think that a little bit of us blam ourselves for making such poor choices of man in the first place?

That's me as well ToothbrushThief.

I managed emotionally with the occasional call to the benefit fraud hotline. My ex worked in his brother's name (brother was in prison for life and an identical twin), he claimed benefits in his name purely so that I only got £5 p/w for both kids. They never caught up with him for it, but calling them was vaguely therapeutic. Incidentally, he is now dead. Only so much fuckwittery karma could take in his case.

Don't let anger rule your life is the answer.

We are grandparents raising a grandchild, who has physical disabilities, on our pension. We not only don't get financial support for her - neither of her parents have her for more than a few hours in the month and never take her away on holiday.

We get absolutely no time to ourselves at all and retirement plans have been abandoned.

However we have set to and made a happy life for the three of us, enjoyed watching her become a proficient sailor and musician and holidays have been spent doing seasidey things that she enjoys.

Enjoying life one day at a time is what its all about.

I currently get a whole £1.36 a week for DS1 from his dad. In January, when his partner has their second dc together (she also has a dc from an earlier relationship), I will get NOTHING. It's shit, but tbh I know that there's nothing I can do about it. I have let the go, because it's not good for MY health to be feeling like that.

DD's father paid NO maintenance AT ALL from when she was born (we split up while I was pg) until she was 13 years and 6 months old. He started paying me a whole £50 a MONTH then - which was 8 weeks ago - so in over THIRTEEN AND A HALF YEARS, I have had the sum total of £100 maintenance. I KNOW he should and would be paying me a hell of a lot more f I went through the CSA again (and they actually DID their job...) but, by now, the fact that he has started to pay anything is better than a kick up the arse IMO, and I'll take that £12.50 a week over nothing any day.

At least DS2 & DS3's dad pays me what he is MEANT to - he is on a low income, but I still get £55 a week for the two dc we have together. 1/3 ain't bad...

I feel humbled reading that Nellnewman. You are both heros
How did your situation come about, if you don't mind me asking?

Im another one with a wanker ex, we have 3 dd's and he pays absolutely nothing. In 3 years he has provided one pair of wellies from Asda £4 and two asda fleeces £3 each for dd. He doesnt have anything to do with dd3, when we found out I was pregnant he left me claiming he didnt want any more children, he did the same to his first wife. He is earning plenty enough to go on holiday frequently buy loads of expensive gadgets and most recently a motor home

It would be very easy to feel bitter but actually in the end his children will see him for the arsehole he is, and hard though it is, it is a good feeling that I am providing for my children alone and doing a good job thank you very much. It was bought home to me recently when I had to provide paperwork to our childrens school including the judgement showing he pays nothing(Im in France) The head teacher was shocked he paid nothing, and actually said to he I dont understand that he pays you nothing he may not have a legal obligation but he should have a moral one, he has no morals. That summed him up very well

These fathers think they are punishing the mothers, no fuckwit you are punishing your children who you claim to love

Fighting for contact that they don't want just to make a point as well - I don't want to do anything to encourage this. So I'm not chasing for maintenance.

Parents of grandchild split up when she was very small. Grand-daughter was poorly but undiagnosed. Splits as lots of you know (although I didn't as I've never split from my hubby of 40 plus years) are painful things leaving partners struggling to find a new life.

Anyway somebody had to take control to help grand daughter access healthcare and education and get the best out of life.

And not heroes No! - we joke that she's stopped us taking to drink in our retirement and getting unhealthy. We have to stay fit for her - so hopefully we shall live longer than we would have done if we'd been left to our own lazy devices!!

I feel no guilt at all about my choice of father for my children. I feel immense pride in myself that I am the one that is here, that feeds and clothes them and loves them more than anything else in the entire world. I used to be angry about him - and I am still angry about his attitude towards the DCs and his inability to provide for or DCs, but I feel more pity than anger.

Nellnewman, you're lovely. :)

Bless you Nell. How you can sound so calm and non-judgemental and not remotely bitter, in the face of two parents effectively abandoning their daughter is a mystery to me - but I guess it's the deep unequivocal love of a child that always carries you through. I just don't get why some people can say they love their child, and yet by their actions show that they value themselves far more.

I did spend YEARS fuming over it all - now I just think that they are nobjockeys, and if I don't bad-mouth them in front of the dc's, the dc's will be able to make their OWN minds up about that at some point. I spent 10 years fighting with the CSA, trying to get maintenance, and when I finally gave up - DD's father FINALLY grew up (!) 2 years later and started to get involved. With more of a shove than a push from DD's wonderful SM. If it wasn't for her, I would probably STILL not be getting anything, and he probably STILL wouldn't be seeing DD.

If more women who get with men who already HAVE dc were like DD's SM, MAKING their DP's step up to their previous responsibilities, then it will become less socially acceptable to behave like this.

The moral of my story, and what I have learnt over the years - is that if you get into a relationship with someone who already has DC's, look VERY carefully about how regular his contact with them is, and if he pays the correct amount of maintenance. Because if he CBA to see them regularly, puts sport or the pub or YOU before seeing his DC when he is meant to, and doesn't pay the proper amount of maintenance - HE WILL DO THE SAME WHEN YOU SPLIT UP WITH HIM.

ToothbrushThief I agree I think deep down I knew really he was a arse cheated on me with my best mate from school in the end

Thanks FN but my job is easy as YoungNell is a bit of a joy (apart from when she throws a very occasional paddy! and Thank the Lord she's outgrown the days when she used to wake at 3am and want to play!)

But did you know that some 150000 children are being raised by their grandparents and sometimes in very difficult circumstances with ageing grandparents having their own health problems to contend with as well. Some 50% of those children apparently are disabled. The vast majority of those grandparents get very little or no help and yet they save the state £5.5billion a year.

I was utterly gobsmacked when I found out that we were not only not alone in our circumstances but that there were very many more grandparents much worse off than we were.

Havent had a penny from XH since we split when DD was 4 (she's 18 now). Havent ever felt angry about that, in the end that would just be one more way for him to invade my life. Smug as it might sound (sorry), am quietly proud that my DD and I have got by without any financial input from him. It was bloody tough at times, but DD has turned out fine and thats the only thing that matters.

We don't get anything from OH's ex,but wouldn't expect to as she has never worked.Even if we did apply we would only get about a quid a week as she has 5 kids by 3 fathers and they all live with their dads! She doesn't see any of them either. We also don't get much from my ex,he started paying 50 quid a month but that only lasted 3 months before he said he couldn't afford it. I don't mind though as he sees our kids a few times a week which is more important to me then the money.