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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that working partners should do the odd night feed for SAHM's?

154 replies

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/11/2011 10:45

I actually don't mind doing all the night feeds - it's only 1, maybe 2 anyway.

My husband gets up early with the children as I do the night feeds so it works well for both of us.

However, I asked if he wanted to swap for a week or so, just so I can experience a full sleep - and he uttered the words every SAHM hates (well I do), "But I work!!!!!" Shock

I swiftly told him never to utter that phrase in front of me again, cheeky sod, and I will continue to do the night feeds - truly not a problem.

Just wondered how do other MN'rs and partners work the dreaded night feeds? Early mornings?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 16/11/2011 10:50

Personally (and having tried both) I found it a lot easier to be brain-dead knackered at home than at work. No reason why he shouldn't do a night feed at the weekend but I think UABU to expect him to do it on a work night.

WilsonFrickett · 16/11/2011 10:50

DH didn't do any tbh I was fine with that - I was BF, he was working outside the home, he has a big job and he does have to perform well at that job, so he needed sleep. While I was on ML I could nap during the day so it seemed fairer for me to do the feeds. But on a Saturday and Sunday he got up with DS and on a Sunday morning he took him out so I could sleep.

I didn't like being woken in the middle of the night - who does? But saw that as my 'job' when I was at home. Once I went back to work, and DS was on a bottle, we split any night wakings, of course.

lassylass · 16/11/2011 10:52

He does work though doesn't he, and his contribution is just as important as yours as SAHM. Night feeds falls under your job description I'm afraid.

YABU.

CalmaLlamaDown · 16/11/2011 10:54

Could he do a night feed if not at work the next day maybe?

Original poster
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/11/2011 10:57

Yeah, just re-read what I wrote, probably comes across as me being lazy - which I am not.

I think what put my back up a bit was the "But I work" comment, as I worked and did all the night feeds with our first DS. I don't get days off or nights off and I get up with both the boys, not just the baby.

And my choice I know, but I very rarely nap in the day as I feel I've got other things I could be doing. A woman's work is never done is it?

I honestly don't mind it at all and I love being a mum to another baby, and can't critisize my DH in any way, we've been together 12 years and he's a fantastic husband, father and provider.

Just wondered what other MN'rs did really.

OP posts:
Housewifefromheaven · 16/11/2011 10:57

What lassy said.

cwtch4967 · 16/11/2011 10:58

I'm a SAHM, I did the night feeds, and DH slept so that he was fit for work the next day. I would get a lie in at least once on the weekend and / or a nap in the day.
Our ds is now 4 and has sn - he is often up for long periods in the night or from very early - the arrangement is still the same and works for us.
If I'm really knackered then dh will take over as soon as he gets home and I can escape to have a bath and an early night!

valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 10:58

Dh didn't do night time feeds there is no way he could do his job safely if he had been brain dead. I could always sleep when ds did and have a low key day if we had had a difficult night. It made no sense to me for us both to be shattered and grumpy.

JingleAllTheSoddingWay · 16/11/2011 10:59

Dp has never done a night feed but then he doesn't have breasts. He works away Monday to Friday so I have to do it anyway.

Even if he didn't work away I wouldn't expect him to do night feeds on weekdays as he does work full time and I can nap when the 2 boys nap.

He does help at weekends though. If the baby wakes up an hour after already having a feed then Dp will go in and settle him and on a saturday morning Dp will get up with the boys and leave me in bed until 9.30 ish where I come downstairs to a hot cup of tea and a clean house.

If your Dp helps at the weekends then YABU but if he doesn't help at all then YANBU to expect him to get up on his non work nights to help!

worraliberty · 16/11/2011 11:02

And my choice I know, but I very rarely nap in the day as I feel I've got other things I could be doing. A woman's work is never done is it?

Then you actually don't need to sleep, or you're a martyr.

Either way, your DH obviously does need a night's sleep in order to do his job effectively and he's not a martyr.

I'm a SAHM and I always did the night feeds except for a weekend night because I knew I could sleep in the day if I wanted to...or at least chill out on the couch.

Clossaintjacques · 16/11/2011 11:04

YANBU
There is no reason why a SAHM should do all the night feeds.

cookingfat · 16/11/2011 11:04

DD was FF. I did night feed Sun night to Thurs night, DH did the weekends. (always one, never more than two).

dustbunniesmakegreatpets · 16/11/2011 11:07

I may be alone here, but I think YANBU if he doesn't do some at the weekend, and maybe the odd one if you're absolutely exhausted. But I do agree with others that it's more important to be able to concentrate during paid work than when at home with a baby.

On the other hand, is your DH doing his fair share of non-baby tasks around the house? When my DC wasn't sleeping well but my DH was, I was napping as much as possible during the day, which meant that we both (me and DH) did the chores at the weekend/evenings and that the house was a complete bit of a mess. But this worked for us...

wannaBe · 16/11/2011 11:12

I think yabu.

Dh had to get up at 5:30 in the morning to leave for work (two hour commute each way at the time) and I would never have even thought of insisting he get up in the night as well.

Yes it's tiring but tbh that's what you sign up for when you have a child. If you are both working then that's different but as a sahm while it is to all intents and purposes a job you can do it on your own schedule and you're not accountable, so if you have a nap during the day because of a rough night then nobody is going to call you on it.

Dh would have got up in the night if ds was ill and we were changing bedding/comforting a sick child symoltaniously, but I never expected him to do the night feeds...

notso · 16/11/2011 11:21

I have always done the night feeds as I BF, but even with DS1 who was FF after the first couple of months it was still me.
Much of DH's day is spent driving, and he is expected to take handsfree calls while doing so, I don't want to risk him being tired on top of this.

Night feeds and cooking (he gets home to late to cook week nights) are the only things I will accept the excuse "but I work" for actually.

However if things don't get done then they don't get done. If I really needed a nap then I would take one guilt free.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 16/11/2011 11:35

Do you get the chance to sleep during the day? That's pretty much the only deciding factor really. If you do, and he doesn't, then I think you should be doing the nights. If it is just one or two feeds that is. If you've got older children waking as well, or the baby is up for hours at a time, then he'll just have to muck in.

But if you don't get the chance to catch up on sleep, or if he does, then no way should you be the only one to be up at night. I used to do all the night feeds, and then realised that dh got two 45 minute naps on the train each day, and I got none (non-sleeping baby!).

Question - if you worked as a childminder, would you think that you should do all the night feeds, because you're "only" looking after children, while your dh is doing something more important? If you sent your child to a childminder, would you be happy to know s/he'd been up all night, and didn't think it mattered because looking after (your) children doesn't require her to be that awake or alert?

I don't think doing night feeds is part of a SAHM's job description actually. Why should a job last 24hrs? My job description is looking after children and home for about 40 hours a week. The rest of it is shared between dh and I!

Graciescotland · 16/11/2011 11:38

I've always done the night feeds as I BF but even if FF I think I would. TBH DH has a highly pressurized job, big targets, long hours, lots of travel. He needs to be able to focus. I think it would be unfair if when he came home he couldn't relax because he's much more knackered than me. I think it depends on what "work" is!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/11/2011 11:39

YANBU. My DH insisted that he do the night feeds at the weekends, so that I could get two nights of unbroken sleep at least.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2011 11:43

I think YANBU

We did what you're doing -- I did the night feeds and DH got up early so i could sleep a little bit before he left. This was at my insistence, as I bought into the idea that DH was working and needed his sleep. I ended up with horrendous sleep deprivation and almost had a nervous breakdown, and then DH insisted that he do some night feeds as well, which really helped.

I understand some men have jobs where they really need to be rested, but I think most jobs can occasionally be done with little sleep. My DH was on his feet all day, having to be pleasant to customers, but he still managed.

If you are only asking for a week to catch up on sleep, I think your DH is being kind of a jerk about it actually. It's one week!

worraliberty · 16/11/2011 11:48

The OP says 'I honestly don't mind it at all'....so what's the point?

As for him being a 'jerk' well we don't know what he does for a living.

My ex DH was a Driving Instructor and needed lightening quick reactions. If I had suggested he feed the baby once or twice a night even though I honestly didn't mind doing it, and I could sleep during the day but chose not to....he'd think I'd gone quite mad and rightly so Confused

FlamingFannyDrawers · 16/11/2011 11:50

The first week or so after giving birth dh always offered to do it, bless him. I refused as he was up early fo work but a lot of the time he would get up and make a bottle up. I wouldn't expect him to do night feeds, was nice of him to help out though.

justcallmemummypig · 16/11/2011 11:56

I'm a sahm i always did the night feeds & early mornings etc but I sometimes used to go to bed early atand dh used to do the 11 o'clock feed and go to bed then. Dh usually goes to bed about 11.30 so it worked fine for us.

BarmyBiscuit · 16/11/2011 11:59

I did the night feeds during the week and my DH did them Fri and Sat. Worked well for us.

OhdearNigel · 16/11/2011 12:05

Erm, I work and still have to do night feeds. Dh works as well. Maybe neither of us should do night feeds as it's so unreasonable having to night feeds as well as working apparently. I'll just tell the baby shall I ? IME work is considerably less tiring than having to look after small children all day.

Parenting IS unreasonable.

mummytotwoboys · 16/11/2011 12:15

same as above posters really DH did only the weekend ones unless I had been up for a few days and was totally Zombied! I think he was scared i would drop the baby lol!