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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that working partners should do the odd night feed for SAHM's?

154 replies

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/11/2011 10:45

I actually don't mind doing all the night feeds - it's only 1, maybe 2 anyway.

My husband gets up early with the children as I do the night feeds so it works well for both of us.

However, I asked if he wanted to swap for a week or so, just so I can experience a full sleep - and he uttered the words every SAHM hates (well I do), "But I work!!!!!"

I swiftly told him never to utter that phrase in front of me again, cheeky sod, and I will continue to do the night feeds - truly not a problem.

Just wondered how do other MN'rs and partners work the dreaded night feeds? Early mornings?

OP posts:

Beckyboo4 · 16/11/2011 12:16

I think I might be the only one who made my husband do the night feeds on alternate days even when he was working. I'm sorry but I know he worked hard but let me tell you at one point I had 3 daughters under the age of 5 and there was no way I could ever take a nap any time of the day. I was absolutely knackered all the time.

YANBU

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2011 12:22

Totally agree Nigel

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 16/11/2011 12:28

YANBU. Why should you always do night feeds. It's his child too. The exact split is hard to say as depends on other factors in your lives. But certainly he should be doing a good proportion.

NinkyNonker · 16/11/2011 12:32

DH gets up as often as I do at the moment tbh. He often woke with me when dd was younger cause she was in our room, I was bf so he couldn't do the feed obviously.

He's a much better sleeper than me and can get back to sleep in minutes whereas it can take me hours.

Soups · 16/11/2011 12:33

I breastfed so my dh couldn't do the night feeds but he did help look after our babies at night. My first was one of those babies who naturally didn't go back to sleep after waking in the night. It wouldn't have been safe for my baby if I had to survive on such little unbroken sleep! It's torture. I can't just drop off for a nap during the day. So my husband would help settle and do a nappy change at night.

My second fell into a nice sleep pattern pretty quickly, I did't have to do much to have him waking once a night and snoozing right back off. But would have bouts of wind and would occasionally spend the night screaming. Again my dp would help. When it gets to 3 am and you've really not had any sleep someone else needs to take the baby from you. If he'd said but I work, I'd have turned in to a banshee.

Yanbu. It sounds as if you're both getting enough sleep and your current set up is generally working for you. A change to get a nights unbroken sleep is not unreasonable.

NinkyNonker · 16/11/2011 12:34

Ps: at 16 months dd has only started reliably having daytime naps in the last month or so, so no sleeping in the daytime for me. Sob.

hwjm1945 · 16/11/2011 12:37

I disagree that it is more difficult to be at work than at home when v tired. I have done both, and yes I did have a big job where I needed to be alert. You just have to go to bed pretty much when the kids go to bed so you can dela with anything that the night throws at yuo. At least when you are at work, you have the stimulus of adult conversation etc

RealLifeIsForWimps · 16/11/2011 12:43

I bf so did all of them but I also used to take a lunchtime nap along with DS and he was a speedy eater, so from 6wks it was a case of "out of bed at 3am, latch on, 10 mins later put back in cot and go back to sleep"

I might feel differently if I had another one though.

gameoldbird · 16/11/2011 12:48

YADNBU at all!!! He should give you a break.

I think working is often easier than being at home with a newborn. I found out because my two arrived before there was proper maternity leave so I only had about 10 weeks at home, doing all the night waking, then back to full time work from when on DH and I alternated nights. Yes, being up every other night was tough when working but, oh, the bliss of those nights when I got to sleep! Working was loads easier than being home - you get a lunchbreak, you get to drink coffee when it is still hot, you can talk to people who can talk back. Every human being needs one night's unbroken sleep a week, I reckon, so every husband ought at least to be volunteering to do either Friday or Saturday night, assuming they work Monday to Friday. Also, for a few weeks, it is quite possible that the Mum is recovering from blood loss, stitches, anaemia etc and just needs a rest now and again. Perhaps those of you saying you gladly do it all have some help from GPs now and again? I expect that would make a massive difference.

Also, every husband should do at least a half day of child care at the weekend so that SAHM can have a bath in peace, possible go to the dentist or get her haircut, or even just read a book.... Sigh, it's hell completely on your own IMO.

hwjm1945 · 16/11/2011 12:56

Game old bird sounds just like me! I remember well the days of getting up at 5am after being up in the night and if I was to go to work, skipping down the road to the office and preforming really well, cos I was wiht adults etc, adrenalin keeping me going, compared to the non working days starting at that time, with ds1 at 18 months old and DS2 as 3 month old.

PiousPrat · 16/11/2011 12:56

I must be in the minority here then. DS3 is 2 months old now and apart from a couple of nights when we were in hospital, we have done alternate nights for feeds. I have suggested to him that I do the week nights and then we alternate weekend nights so both of us get at least one nights decent sleep and a lie in, but he got huffy and offended.

I think his attitude might be coloured by his best friend whose DD is 7 months older than our DS, yet has never done a single night waking, expects his girlfriend to do all the housework and cooking all the time as 'she is there and weekends are his time off' and refers to stopping in of an evening so his girlfriend can go out as 'babysitting' and as a result his DD is more easily soothed by me, who sees her for a day once a week than by him. DP wants a better bond with his child than that and realises that to get that, he has to take on at least a proportional amount of the crap stuff as well as just the fun stuff.

Laquitar · 16/11/2011 13:00

No night feeds but what he can do is some bulk cooking and ironing on weekends. Then you can nap when the baby naps during the day.

What are the important jobs you do instead of resting?

Snorbs · 16/11/2011 13:01

I'd say that as long as the job didn't require relatively unusual amounts of alertness like brain surgery or flying a helicopter then both parents sharing the night feeds has got to be the right option, surely. When my (then) DP was breast feeding then I did half the night-time nappy changes. When we moved on to FF, we just took it in turns to sort out the bottles and get up in the night.

Yes I spent a hell of a lot of time completely knackered and my work undoubtedly suffered but, FFS, we had a baby in the house! What kind of nobber thinks that you can have a baby but still get to enjoy a solid 8 hours kip every night?

BrianAndHisBalls · 16/11/2011 13:09

DP did pretty much all the night feeds with dd even though I was on maternity leave and he was at work. He said he didn't mind coping on less sleep.

JugsMcGee · 16/11/2011 13:20

I BFd for 6 months so once DH had gone back to work, I did the night wakings. Although sometimes if DS wouldn't settle, DH would take him to try to get him to sleep so that I could rest. Now he's FF and I still do all the night wakings, but DH gets up with him at the weekend so that I get a lie in. We're both happy with this arrangement.

I can't say I'd ever ask him to do mid-week night wakings unless DS was ill and up all night. He's just had a big growth spurt and was miserable all day and night and DH did stay up late trying to settle him with me. It was nice to have him there or I would have gone insane from all the crying. DH has a long commute and an early start and I don't like the thought of him driving all the way dog tired.

When I go back to work we'll have to work out a new system, because we do the same job so neither of us is "better placed" to be tired at work!

callmemrs · 16/11/2011 14:12

I think if one parent is at home, they should deal with Any night time wakings during the week, and then split the weekend one night each.

Unless you have a dead easy no pressure job (and theres fair few of those about right now) then its easier to deal with being knackered, baggy eyed and not feeling on top form at home rather than at work.

While I was home on maternity leave I did all the night wakings Sunday - Thursday, then we shared the fri- sat nights. Once I was back at work we shared equally

freddy05 · 16/11/2011 15:22

DH wouldn't leave his child with a childminder who looked vacant, had massive bags under her eyes, slurred her words and yawned the whole time he was with her because he wouldn't believe his child would be safe, stimulated and well looked after. For that reason he always does enough of the night time stuff to ensure that i am awake enough to be safe to look after his children while he earns the money. I don't expect him to do it all by any means but we share the load between us so all gets done safely.

YANBU but if you don't mind doing it it's not really worth worrying about.

Whatmeworry · 16/11/2011 15:27

Its easier to do late night/early morning surely,that way youmiss 1-2 feeds to sleep?

HalfTermHero · 16/11/2011 15:37

YABU. When at home with children I view looking after them as my 'job'. I would not expect dh to ever help out at night unless there was a big problem (e.g. child and bedding/bedroom covered in vomit and vomiting continuing...). Holding down a job whilst exhausted is not something I would want for dh. It is much easier for a SAHP to catch a rest or even a short nap through the day. No chance of a working adult managing that.

NatashaBee · 16/11/2011 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoandMax · 16/11/2011 15:49

DS1 I did the majority, I could catch up during the day, he was generally a pretty good sleeper anyway - up, feed, back in cot within 20 minutes. DH would always get up at weekends so I could lie in. If I ever felt knackered though DH would do it no complaints.

DS2 it has been a bit different - at 20 months he still feeds 2/3 times a night as well as being up numerous other times too (some of this bad habit, some from health probs) so DH does do a lot more as I got to the point of being so exhausted I was a mess - emotionally and physically. We make sure we both get the opportunity for rest, if he has a big day at work I'll do more, if he's having an easier day (working from home, travelling) he'll let me know and do a bit more. Yes, it's important for him to be able to do his job but it's also important for the DCs to have a fully functioning mum who's not so knackered she's depressed and has no energy to do anything with them...

I don't think there is any definite 'rule' over who should do it - depends on your circumstances, how you cope on broken sleep, partners job, other children etc etc

Rugbylovingmum · 16/11/2011 15:50

It depends on what your DP/DH does. I did all the night feeds as I was breastfeeding but when DD was older she went through a nightmare month when she was up crying for most of the night, every night. Most of the time I did the nights and DP would take over early in the morning but at one point I was shattered and DP took over for a week so I could get a proper sleep - he was very tired at work that week but I was exhausted too and I didn't feel being at home with an overtired crying baby was any easier than DPs job. I assume he agreed as he offered to do that week. However he does work in an office with a very short commute and could have worked from home if he felt too tired to drive (the crying baby drove him out though ). I might have felt differently if he was doing lots of driving or working with machinery. My friends husband is a pilot so he never does nights (except when he is on hols) which seems fair enough .

Andrewofgg · 16/11/2011 16:05

DS was ff. During the short period after I went back to work and he slept through the night I did the nights on Saturday and Sunday mornings - and on a couple of other occasions. I reckon I would have gone on doing maybe three a week, including both weekends. But then since I was a baby I have got by on very little sleep.

Has DH done any night feeds? Does he even know the pleasure to be had from turning a wet and hungry squealer into a warm, dry, contented drifter off into sleep?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 16/11/2011 16:53

What does your husband do? How many children do you have and are they in childcare?

unacceptablebehaviour · 16/11/2011 17:01

Once your baby drops night feeds you will have (assuming you arent going back to work) whole nights of sleep and you won't have to get up early and make yourself look smart and go and be accountable all day long like your husband does so in my opinion - and as long as he's pulling his weight at the weekend - you are BU.

it is annoying that he used that particular turn of phrase, but it is a common thing to say. I'm sure he doesn't think of what you do during the day as not working - it's just different (as tiring but in a different way) to being employed.

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