to think that working partners should do the odd night feed for SAHM's?

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

I actually don't mind doing all the night feeds - it's only 1, maybe 2 anyway.

My husband gets up early with the children as I do the night feeds so it works well for both of us.

However, I asked if he wanted to swap for a week or so, just so I can experience a full sleep - and he uttered the words every SAHM hates (well I do), "But I work!!!!!"

I swiftly told him never to utter that phrase in front of me again, cheeky sod, and I will continue to do the night feeds - truly not a problem.

Just wondered how do other MN'rs and partners work the dreaded night feeds? Early mornings?

I'm also a SAHM. Night feeds during the week were always done by me. DH would then either do a Friday or a Saturday night when he had no work the next day so I got one night off a week. I thought that was fair and so did he.

We'll probably do the same again when DC2 arrives.

The "but I work" thing can be annoying in other circumstances, but I think for night feeds it's a valid reason.

If he never does a night feed even when he's not at work the next day then that is unreasonable.

In the beginning dp did the early morning feed, around 5 o'clock as he was getting up at half past anyway.

He's never done any feeds in the night, he never hears the baby but he dies the morning feeds at weekends.

Unless I was also working full time I wouldn't expect him to do night feeds

No, I wouldn't expect DH to do nightfeeds. He never with DD as I breastfed. I slept through breastfeeding as I did it laying down so didn't hold anything against him

He did actually change nappies during the night when she was a newborn, and got the occasional bottle of milk when DD stopped breast feeding.

YANBU. I always let DH have more sleep as he was working, but i still had to have some sleep as had to look after 5DC the next day. So DH and me shared quite alot, had shift times, an hour each (when DS3 had severe reflux), although he often fell asleep with them so i had to doze rather than sleep. So I would say both should do a share.

I work at the minute but when I am on maternity leave in a few monthas my husband will be doing loads of the night feeds . I need my beauty sleep

I've done all night feeds and got up in the mornings with our dc's 7 days a week. I never expected dp to do any, the odd Saturday he does get up with them is a bonus! I feel that dp works really hard and has all the stresses and strains of working so that I can be at home with the children. I'm well aware I'm very lucky to be able to stay at home, which is what I really want, so whilst dp is supporting us financially I try to support the family in other ways

I'm a SAHM. My DH nearly always got DS for me to feed him (BF), then he went back to sleep while I fed him. If he was in work, I got up in the morning with DS, obviously (having had less sleep than him) If he wasnt working, I had a lie in, to try to even out the amount of sleep.
Dont understand, "he needs the sleep while hes working", why do people think its okay to be the sole carer of a totally dependant little baby when you are sleep deprived, but not "work"? And why does the person working out of the home only have to work 8 hour days, when the SAHM is on call 24/7?

YABU if you have only one child and/or you want him to do weeknights.

I think a weekend night is fair. It is also fair to expece additional help if you are struggling e.g. if you have 3 under 5 or 2 under 3 etc etc, have a child with special needs or have physical or mental health needs that make it hard for you to do this 6 nights a week. If none of these caveats apply.. well, there are SO many perks to being at home/on mat leave whatever that it seems like part of the job description. Not the nicest bit, but if you are slow to get going in the morning it won't land you in front of a disciplinary committee or cost you your job

I went back to work full time when DD was 5 months & had no problem with doing night feeds. Shared them with DH who was part time. So no, YANBU to expect him to do some - working or not. Personally I find it much less tiring going to work than being at home with a young baby day in day out.

Well I'm surprised at the mixed views tbh. Thought everyone would either say I'm BU or vice versa.

Think a couple of MN'rs made some valid points about childminders and night feeds. And yet at the same time I do agree it is in my job description as a SAHM.

Just to answer some of your q's - my DH works for British Gas so does need his sleep as it's obviously vital he does his job safely. Our eldest has just turned 5 and has just started FT Reception, and our DS2 is 4 months. My DH does do a little (and it is a little) round the house, cooks for us on a saturday pm (me and him), and I gets up 4 out of the 7 mornings at 5am with the baby, and if he's on earlies he'll look after the kids while I finish cooking dinner.

I do whatever is left of the cleaning and tidying, all the cooking, shopping, running around, decorating, night feeds, organising and general SAHM stuff - like sorting xmas at the moment.

Our eldest has never been a good sleeper when he was young. He was BF, so obviously I did all the feeds then, then when I went back to work 30 hours he really missed me so started to wake in the night just for comfort from me. I used to work 1.30 - 10pm 4 nights a week - 30 hours, then dropped to 6pm-10pm 5 nights a week - 20 hours.

So basically I have literally had less than 30 unbroken nights sleep in over 5 years - which is why I asked what everyone else did. My DH does NONE and never has done any of the night waking things - apart from when they're ill.

Think it's just jealousy of the undisturbed sleep. I love my DH dearly though - now it sounds like I'm slating him -I'm not! He's a fab hubby and dad.

Personally, I would never ask the only person who could pay my mortgage to do a night feed during the week. Saturday night, maybe. I did once consider spending the night away from home when DS was nearly 1 so I could have a full nights sleep and a lie in.

YANBU. No reason why he shouldn't take over every so often to let you catch up, no one is saying he should do every night.

Yanbu at all! The only exception in my mind would be if your dh does a job where tiredness would be dangerous. If this is not the case then your dh being knackered at work is no more serious than you being knackered while looking after your dc perhaps doing things like driving them to playgroups etc.
If you are a SAHM then you DO work - the exact same job as a you would do if you 'worked' as a nanny. Your DH suggesting that only he works is massively disrespectful imo and I can quite see why it gets on your tits.
DH had extended paternity leave from work and did ALL the night feeds with dd as I was unwell. With ds he was working and we shared them. Unless you are bfing the man should pitch in imo. And even if you are bfing they can be supportive in bringing you baby if you don't co-sleep/getting you anything you need/changing/settling etc.

It's quite sad to read on her how little some sahm's value their role in the family.

My youngest baby is now 9, so it's a while since I had to do night feeds but back in the day it was shared. If it was my 'job' to look after the baby and his to go to work surely that ended once he got home as he was no longer working. I'm still a Sahm and this is still how we operate. Dh works long long hours and is away from home much of the time, this means that I'm with the dcs a lot and he isn't. So when he is at home he wants to be with them.

YADNBU. You both work. His job just finishes a 6pm! Cheeky sod. He should be doing more thdn he is. And all you asked him was to swap for a week, not grow boobs and lactate. They're both your children.

Thinking about it even if your dh does have to be alert for work - the odd night feed isn't going to put him in a zombie-like state. He could always go to bed earlier if he was concerned. Sounds like he can't be arsed/thinks it's beneath him as the breadwinner to me tbh.

I work FT Mon-Fri (DD school age) and I can honestly say that I would find it very hard to night feed and work although I know a lot of women do.
The difference for me being a SAHM and working FT (I have done both) is that as a SAHM jobs/ activities were done at quite a leisurely pace compared to the pace I am expected to work at in my job.
If I was particularly tired, I could arrange a more relaxing day. With work, no chance- every day is manic.
It depends on the temperament/ number of DC you have at home of course.

DS woke 3 times a night until he was 6 months old - DP did at least one of the night feeds even though he works full time. I was suffering with PND anyway and would have gone completely mental on even less sleep, especially as DS often woke up at 4:30am too...and no, I couldn't have slept during the day - DS only ever napped for 40 mins at a time.

DP didn't have to drive - he walked to work, so that was a factor. He also functions much better than me on very little sleep whereas I turn into an absolute basket case.

IF you are happy to do all the night feeds then that's absolutely up to you.

to think that the father of two very small children should provide an effective means of contact when he goes away for work

....as opposed to leaving me his mobile number (but switching the phone off as he's forgotten the charger), someone else's mobile number (also off, as they are in meetings) and, that's it, no other means of contact (no hotel/conference centre name or anything).

Feeling quite raw/furious about it. DH is away most of the week every week, though usually contactable if needed, but this week he's been in Germany and DD2 got ill with the same thing that hospitalised DD1 for a week last year.

I would never ever be somewhere that I couldn't be reached (I leave alternate numbers when I pop to the frigging hairdressers FFS). Should I take it as a compliment to my ability to manage alone with two under twos, or as more evidence that my partner can barely manage his own life with any competence? Sorry to be so harsh, but I needed to vent...

Poor DD2 (sleeping peacefully now) is very poorly, and I just wanted some support from his dad.

Not read whole thread. Probably a mistake!

I think YANBU

And to add my twopennorth of "how we do it"

DH can function well with less sleep than me. I BF. So while night stuff is to do with BF, I do it. When it shifts over to not necessarily a feed, may just need settling etc I do most of it (because it's prob still a feed needed). Once they are weaned from the breast he goes most of the time at night. That works for us.

I don't see any reason why a person working shouldn't do the odd night duty. When I was working I regularly went to bed at 2am in a drunken stupor, and on some memorable occasions didn't go to bed at all. And that was fine. So for most jobs I don't see that getting up once or twice during the night is going to be the end of the world.

Sorry, ignore me. I meant to post that as a new thread (blame my tired brain)

One thing that was absolutely non negotiable for me was that DP would do ALL of the night feeds on a Saturday night, and he'd get up early one day at the weekend too with DS, so I'd have one night of decent, relatively unbroken sleep once a week.

I strongly believe that one of the biggest triggers for PND is sleep deprivation. Just because someone works full time does not mean that they get 7 nights good sleep a week while their partner is barely functioning on terrible broken sleep.

I find tiredness at home a lot harder than I found tiredness at work (though that was partying and not child related). Sitting down and reading with the kids is a killer for me when tired and I really wouldn't want to fall asleep and leave my kids to have free run of the house. My job was quite active so no chance of falling asleep. I would imagine staring at a computer would be bad though.
But that's life if you have kids imo. Whether you are the father or the mother.