to think that working partners should do the odd night feed for SAHM's?

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

I actually don't mind doing all the night feeds - it's only 1, maybe 2 anyway.

My husband gets up early with the children as I do the night feeds so it works well for both of us.

However, I asked if he wanted to swap for a week or so, just so I can experience a full sleep - and he uttered the words every SAHM hates (well I do), "But I work!!!!!"

I swiftly told him never to utter that phrase in front of me again, cheeky sod, and I will continue to do the night feeds - truly not a problem.

Just wondered how do other MN'rs and partners work the dreaded night feeds? Early mornings?

Ditto you.
You posted saying that men helping at night was pointless if you bf - not just for you but pointless in general. I pointed out that not everyone is like you - for some it isn't pointless and some men - like my dh - want to be involved at night even if they can't actually do the feeding. And you got the massive arse. I'll be nice and assume you've had a trying day.

Roman: I find it strange that people don't consider falling asleep or being zombie-like when caring for young children important.
of course it's important but so is being fit for work, holding down a job and bringing money into the house.
This sort of debate always turns into a 'my job is as important/ more important/ more tiring/ more stressful' game of top trumps.
Imagine being zombie like driving a lorry Roman! I think it's potentially more catastrophic than falling asleep on the sofa.

Absolutely it is important to be alert for work - more so if you drive for a living (which the OP's dh doesn't by the way) but there is the impression on here that it is important to be alert for paid work but not for looking after your kids - or at least not so much. Would anyone be happy employing a childminder who was constantly knackered?
I would much rather be sat in an office knackered than knackered driving my kids round, giving them medication or any other important things sahm's need to do.
As I have said it doesn't need to be a competition. If the op's dh wanted to give her a night off he could get an early night. There just seems to be the expectation that it is the womans job - and that seems to be true even if the woman is also working from what I've read on here.

I didn't think Roman was being particularly offensive and thought Davey was being rather defensive, but is always difficult to work out emphasis on MN.

Anyho when BFing there is nothing which I appreciate more than DH getting up, retrieving baby from cot, chucking a couple of pillows behind me, getting me a glass of water, then taking baby back when feed over and resettling him. It is kind and takes a load of me. I think that is the POINT of getting the baby from the cot-that it is a considerate and nice thing to do for your wife.

DP works nights and tends to get in about 7 so unless he's had a really busy night and needs to collapse into bed will take DS for an hour or so when he first wakes up. Or if I'm really tired I'll go and grab a nap when he wakes up which is usually 4/5pmish. TBH since DS sleeps through now I'm more likely to be tired because I've stayed up on the computer or doing something for uni. But the principle's there - we help each other out where possible.

I don't think that the WOHM parent should necessarily do night feeds but both partners need to have an equal role. However that works for them is their own argument really. It's a bit silly to be prescriptive.

Thankyou bringmesunshine2009 I have perhaps been arsey since being called nasty and smug but certainly wasn't trying to be before then.

I felt the same as you when bfing. DS usually needed quite a bit of settling after the feed as well so it was a big help. If it had just been a case of picking up, feeding and putting back down or I co-slept then I probably would have just got on with it.

Roman 'sat in office' ?! I want one of those jobs.

As I've said, I've been a SAHM and now work full time.
IME I found being a SAHM less exhausting (and that includes doing all the night get ups/ feeds myself). There is no way I would have expected DH to get up. It was part of my job as a SAHM.
What other people do is up to them.

Being a child minder for other peoples children is a paid job. You have to measure up to externally imposed standards. Eg these days there is a lot of paperwork, targets to meet, plus the fact that looking after children who aren't part of your own family brings its own particular demands

Its ridiculous to compare it with looking after ones own children. When you look after your own kids, you can very easily have 'down days'. Ok, if you felt permanently sleep deprived and baggy eyed and your children were always in their pyjamas at lunchtime still, they wouldn't be getting a hugely enriching experience. But for heavens sake, a slow day on the sofa hurts no one now and again. It's just daft when people try to make out being at home with young children is hugely demanding and on a par with getting out to work in a demanding job every day. It simply isn't.

Callmemrs: It's just daft when people try to make out being at home with young children is hugely demanding and on a par with getting out to work in a demanding job every day. It simply isn't.
Well said.

Well my job wasn't that demanding so there were quite often less demanding days there too. As I have said it depends on the job.
Also getting up in the night doesn't have to mean less sleep it can just mean an earlier bed time. Either parent is capable of doing it. Unless you actually work nights - then you can be let off I suppose

If DH had a easy, dossy job I would possibly rethink my view on this topic!

Speak for yourself then roman. Many careers ARE demanding , if not physically, then intellectually. And when you are dealing with clients or your boss, you cant just roll up looking bleary eyed and knackered- you will end up not being able to carry out your job effectively. Whereas even after a very broken night, while I was on maternity leave, as long as the children were fed, clothed and loved , they really didn't care less whether I was smartly dressed, smiling and on the ball!

My job wasn't easy and dossy every day - just more full on some days than others. Like a lot of jobs really.
I'm not suggesting that looking after your kids is akin to brain surgery but neither are the vast majority of paid roles.
SAHM is the least valued job around. It's no wonder that many women find themselves having to go cap in hand to their working partners for cash and feel they have to do everything childcare/home related to make up for the fact they aren't contributing financially. Never mind the fact they are raising theirs and their partners children! Very sad.

I am speaking for myself - from my perspective just like everyone else on here. A lot of people don't have full-on jobs. To basically say that being a sahm is the least demanding work you can do is actually quite insulting.

Callmemrs unless you are a mumzilla 'career mum' of course!
All those hours spent looking fab and rushing from one playgroup/ playdate to another. Maybe I was just a lazy SAHM! :o

I wouldn't expect DP to do a nightfeed during the week, because a mistake at work could kill someone & I think he needs to be alert. Arguably of course a mistake at my work of Sahm could kill someone but I suppose my mistake would be more about misjudging risk than not having the mental alertness to diagnose/treat. But I dont see any reason why he couldn't do a nightfeed at the weekends. I breastfeed so it's a pretty moot point though.

I never thought of looking after children as work tbh roman- so its not a case of comparing it to other jobs at all. Looking after your Children is simply what you do when you have kids. Many parents both continue working while bringing up their children. Tbh if you are in a position to have one parent at home full time, then its a bit ridiculous for that parent to complain about having responsibility for the home stuff !

Roman it just all starts to sound a bit 'I want the status' (of being recognised as having an important role/job) 'but non of the pressures' (the being knackered side of things).

A lot of people agree with you callmemrs. But if you are a paid childminder doing the exact same thing then it is considered work. And a lot of mums take their role at least as seriously as a childminder believe me.
Of course all parents who work also bring up their children but they are obviously not looking after them for the hours they are working.
I probably do most of the stuff around the house because I'm here but I don't think my dh should do nothing (luckily neither does he!).
DH is a journalist. His job is fairly demanding with deadlines etc and accuracy is important so he obviously performs better when well rested. There's no way he would think it was more important for him than me though or that his role was more important because it's paid.

Well Kitty I'm knackered enough sharing the responsibility with dh so I do feel for mums/dads who have to do all.

And isn't that exactly what people who work outside the home but don't want to do the night stuff want?

A paid childminder ISN'T doing the exact same thing, thats the whole point! They are charging for a service, and part of that service means measuring up to externally imposed standards. I agree that being a cm may well be closer to being a sahm than many jobs- but its emphatically not the same. Being a sahp does not involve meeting targets or conforming to conditions in the same way. It has nothing to do with how seriously you take being a parent- we all take it very seriously! You seem determined to try to get everyone to say that being a sahm is the same as having a job, and that if people disagree then they aren't valuing the role. Thats nonsense.

Depends on the job really. There are tough jobs and easy ones.
SAHM isn't the easiest but it isn't the hardest either.
People have to weigh it up and make sure that neither parent is getting exhausted.
Team work for some means that one will do everything with the children/home if they don't work outside of the home and the other goes out to earn money. For others it's not as simple as that and jobs can be split differently.
I don't like the principled 'the man should get up too no matter what' argument.

Anyway night all.

Given the choice I think I'd rather work full time out of the home and have seven full unbroken nights sleep a week than be a SAHM and have to get up in the night for feeds. It's a no brainer for me that id feel I was getting the better deal. So I don't think YABU to expect a little help now and again. Sleep deprivation is hellish, no matter what "job" you do IMO.

Kblu- thats great if you feel that and you have a partner who is willing to stay home and do all the domestic things. If your partner wants to work too, its fairest to split the night stuff.

In cases where it is the woman opting to stay at home though, it just seems a bit ridiculous to then complain that its not seen as a 'job' and that their working partner ought to be getting up in the night too.