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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
Catsdontcare · 15/11/2011 21:39

Yeah I'd tell her to shove it! That note at the bottom is awful.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 15/11/2011 21:40

agree with your DH

the note seals it - talk about patronising!

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 21:40

I would phone her and ask if she sent you the right invite. Say you are bemused because you are good friends and the bit about experiencing a beautiful English town that you were both at Uni.

If it is clear that she has made no error - well I'd not go. Not to be arsey but because I would rather save my pennies on the hotel, drinks, outfit etc and go and do something more fun than munch on a mince pie.

JamieComeHome · 15/11/2011 21:41

Ouch. She is being extremely self-involved and insensitive. Possibly a bitch, but only you can know that.

I'm not very assertive. I probably would just make my excuses and not go, without confronting her.

worraliberty · 15/11/2011 21:41

She definitely sounds right up her own arse!

Kitchentiles · 15/11/2011 21:42

The only thing you can do is decline and say nothing about it. Then don't continue the friendship if you don't want to.

What's to be gained by talking to her about it? Will you feel better if she changes her mind because you've made a fuss? The damage is already done.

I'm sorry that you're hurt. Concentrate on your other friends and the good stuff in your life.

eaglewings · 15/11/2011 21:42

Was your name on the invite or just the envelope? Could she have wrongly labeled it?

NotMostPeople · 15/11/2011 21:42

Another one with your DH.

NinkyNonker · 15/11/2011 21:43

Agree with DH. No way I'd be going.

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:43

DH first suggested the "have we got the right invite" but I don't want to get one out of pity or embarrassement. I'm very sad because I thought we were close and I thought that I knew her and evidently not.

OP posts:
wildfig · 15/11/2011 21:43

How rude. And weird. And patronising. Normally I'd suggest giving them the benefit of the doubt but if all your mutual friends are going the numbers can't be that restricted.

If you can bear it, go along to the wedding and mince pies, then when all your friends say, see you at the reception, Kittens, smile tightly and say, NFI darlings, and take yourself off for dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town.

Or just don't go.

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 21:44

Wow! What a slap in the face. I don't think YABU at all. I think your DH's advice is spot on. At the very least I would expect a close friend to call me and explain why I can't come to the wedding. A smarmy note at the end of the invitation is awful. Are you the only one out of your group of friends not invited?

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:44

our name was on the invite but not the same page as the note (yes it is THAT sought of invite) IYSWIM

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 15/11/2011 21:44

Kitchentiles has a point - although I suppose she might possibly come to her senses and realise how hurtful her actions have been... and apologise and beg for forgiveness

mummymccar · 15/11/2011 21:46

Sounds a little strange to me too, especially if you helped her choose the venue and went with her. Is there any chance she may have sent the wrong invite?

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:46

cailindana - we are not just the only people out of our "group" not going, we are the only ones out of a much wider group of acquaintances - which is much larger because she and I were at school and uni together, and DH and her DH to be were at uni and on a grad scheme together.

OP posts:
EverybodysScaryEyed · 15/11/2011 21:46

"Having experienced many weddings in XXX with you we don't feel it worth the trip. Enjoy your day."

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 21:46

oh part of me thinks you should ask her, only because it is seems that she might have got the wrong invite

i am a complete wuss so would flounder at this but could you say something like 'we would love to come but cant make the journey just for the wedding and nibbles - would have been nice to catch up with everyone at the 'do but understand that numbers were an issue'

or something Hmm

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 21:46

So there is deffo no error with the invites? Cos' if there was she probably would be mortified.

ZillionChocolate · 15/11/2011 21:47

I normally think that people should do what they want for their own weddings and invite and not invite anyone they like. However, this smacks of her thinking that you should be grateful she's inviting you to a small proportion of the day. I think part invites are only really acceptable for locals or in very tiny weddings.

YANBU to be upset. I would be upset too having received that. I suppose it's possible that she's misjudged the whole thing but I would decline graciously, possibly without giving a reason. If she never speaks to you again, I don't think you will have lost out.

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:47

At least so far as I can work out from the round robin "ooh, shall we block book a hotel and club together for a HUGE present" email I got earlier.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 15/11/2011 21:47

Oh no, how awful. So sorry.

wildfig · 15/11/2011 21:47

Actually, on second thoughts, if it makes you feel sad, then I would decline it, and move on. If it's one of those painful situations where the friendship balance has shifted to one side - which sometimes happens and is absolutely no reflection on you as a person, just where everyone is in their lives - then going and then having to leave might just make more of a big deal out of it.

The note on the bottom is still massively patronising. 'Giving you the experience', indeed. Since when did she become Mayor of Unnamed Picturesque English Town?

JamieComeHome · 15/11/2011 21:48

it's very strange. Unless you can think of any reason why she'd leave you out, then I would be inclined to think it's a mistake

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 21:48

honestly - i am thinking she has got the wrong invite if you are really that close (and helped her scout out the venue)