To not want to be addressed as Mrs, and not Ms?

[MitziKinsky]

One of my DCs teachers always addresses me in writing as Ms. Kinsky.

I have the same surname as my DC, I wear a wedding ring, and often draghave DH with me, so I expect to be addressed as Mrs Kinsky, or even Mitzi (I am on first name terms with all the other staff at this school).

I find using Ms when you know someone is married a bit rude. I'm contemplating pointing out, nicely, that I'm a Mrs.

The only thing about 'Ms' is - doesn't it literally set your teeth on edge 'Mzz'? Does mine. WTF couldn't whatever supremely well intentioned people invented it have come up with something properly pronouncable?

Well worth getting a PhD to avoid

It rhymes with 'fizz'. Is that hard to say?

Though I have heard a few people say 'muz' which sounds a little odd to me.

I usually hear it with no particularly distinct vowel sound (there's probably a technical term for it). 'Mizz' sounds like a trendy teenage mag from the Bay City Rollers era ... ok, showing my age here, better toddle off to bed

(Not that Missis sounds nice either.)

I hate it when a certain type of man asks in a sleazy yet patronising tone: "So is it MRS Mother?"

Basically "Mrs" makes you old and dried up and in need of a shag, "Miss" makes you available and obviously gagging for it and "Ms" means you're an angry lesbian who, you guessed it..

Can we all take on "Mr" instead? I think I'd prefer it!

What should have happened was that we just ditched Miss and defaulted to Mrs, the same way men did re Master and Mr.

Wonder we didn't....

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoesTue 15-Nov-11 22:23:35

See, rightly or wrongly, and I do not know if this is true for you OP, but your statement that you wish to be defined by the fact that you have a husband says low self-esteem to me. Whereas when someone wishes to be addressed as Ms that says to me that they feel valuable in their own right.

To me it screams divorced

Unfortunately, there will always be people who want to decry the natural order of things. If you want to assume all married women are somehow subjugated, and passed on as chattels then thats your right. Those of us that are happily married and have an equal relationship will know we went willing into a committed relationship. Something you have probably not experienced.

I woudl say that if you as a married woman wants to be known as Mizz, then you have a need to keep yourself distant from the relationship and quite possibly not view it as a partnership through life.

I suppose the problem with taking on 'Mr' would be like the problem with women being addressed as 'sir'. In a way it is nice, but then you think, how come the historically male term gets used?

I think language evolves it its own way and if we could look ahead 50 or 100 years we'd find one thing stuck and another didn't, and that'd be that.

I agree it's a shame we didn't just all go for 'Mrs' - it's quite telling that we didn't, isn't it?

I have a question: if you use 'Mrs' and you're particularly attached to the title, would you then be offended if unmarried women started using 'Mrs' too?

YourMother may have hit on the answer to why all adult women didn't adopt 'Mrs'. It sounds frumpy.

'Mrs' was adopted by spinsters after a certain age. Ditto Mdm rather than Mlle in France also.

I don't think being a Ms means you have a distant attitude towards your marriage (any more than a man who's Mr does). But then I don't think being Mrs means you have low self-esteem either. The terms are too bound up with habits and personal associations and all sorts of things to judge easily and I don't know anyone on here well enough to make those calls.

trois - only some women, though. It's also a class-based thing.

That's true, Mr would be automatically reverting to the male! Perhaps simply M. for all. Why should it matter to my bank whether or not I am in possession of either a willy or a wally?

Our kids school call all the parenst by mr or mrs yourkidssurname

I am in fact ms mysurname but im happy enough to go alomg with the school convention. They have enough to worry about in their job IMO.

Ooh, I like that - just 'M'. Though, erm, it would sound like 'Em', which is a woman's name.

This whole business is very complex. And I've never heard 'willy or wally' before either.

My wally would be my husband.

OP, YABU for wanting staff to spend 20 seconds checking the private home situation of each addressee before sending a letter in case of offence, rather than using a sensible and functional general title.

Actually i use DH on here. Must start saying DP, especially as it apparently annoys some people. Who knew it was so easy!

catgirl What is much more important is good luck with the Minicatgirl mentioned on another thread!

Someone said that it's ok for strangers to make a mistake and call her Ms, as they are not always checking for the wedding ring. And the OP also said it's rude to call her Ms as the person addressing knows she's married.

But married women are not all by default Mrs. It is not in any way incorrect to call a married woman Ms, as this is the title many of us prefer.

I would prefer if Ms was the default title. If you really want to use Miss, Mrs, rev, Dr or anything else, just specify. Actually when I think about it, I have not been addressed as anything but Ms in US, they can manage and don't think it's a title for divorced lesbians.

A wedding ring -or lack of it means nothing. You can be married without a ring and unmarried with a ring. I took mine off as a widow-I was still Mrs.

No one noticed that I didn't have a ring.

I'm a Mrs who doesn't wear a ring. I like to be called by my first name. I find it objectionable to have to give a title on everything. Why on earth is it relevant? If my gender is important then a M/F box is just fine (and there probably should be an other there too).

I don't really care if I get letters to Ms/Miss/Mrs. The only thing I really object to is getting Mrs dh's first and last name. When I worked in the public sector we didn't use titles (except for talking to patients, where the done thing was to ask them what they would like to be called). Much easier, especially as sometimes it was very contentious when to use Dr and when to use Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms as surgeons don't use Dr once they are consultants, so there were lots of status issues flying around.

I'm another married who doesn't wear a ring. I HATE being called Mrs Sparkles....not because of any feminist principles or otherwise, I just don't feel "grown up" enough (in my 40s!) to be Mrs anything. It also makes me think of my late mother in law, who I had no time for

I address women as Ms when I don't know their preference (if it's different)

Just like Mr for men

So.. YANBU if you've told her to address you as Mrs and it's been ignored

But YABVU if you've not communicated this and are sitting there fuming - just because you're married, wear a wedding ring, etc doesn't automatically mean people know to call you Mrs. It's likely, but sometimes quite impolite to assume, if you're a Dr or prefer Ms (or even hold something more exotic - I knew a Lady at uni!).

Doesn't everyone just use Ms these dys if they don't know what women want to be called? I thought that was the norm? Sounds quite old fashioned to do anything other than that, but then i do work in an industry where there is an unnatural amount of young hip folk, sadly myself not included.

troisgarcons - "Unfortunately, there will always be people who want to decry the natural order of things. If you want to assume all married women are somehow subjugated, and passed on as chattels then thats your right. Those of us that are happily married and have an equal relationship will know we went willing into a committed relationship. Something you have probably not experienced."

Having been happily married for many years and in an equal and committed relationship means I don't need to declare it publicly to all and sundry and neither does my husband. I don't assume all married woman are subjugated, I certainly am not, I merely think that it is strange that a women would feel devalued by someone who has mistakenly used the default status-neutral title for an adult woman.

oh and i'm a mrs for the record. i quite like how dh's surname sounds with it (doesn't quite gell for ms for some reason).

however, i would always use Ms as a first step unless corrected. maybe it's something to do with growing up abroad for some of my teen years? - the UK is quite far behind it seems when it comes to addressing men and women neutrally by default!