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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be addressed as Mrs, and not Ms?

265 replies

MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 17:01

One of my DCs teachers always addresses me in writing as Ms. Kinsky.

I have the same surname as my DC, I wear a wedding ring, and often draghave DH with me, so I expect to be addressed as Mrs Kinsky, or even Mitzi (I am on first name terms with all the other staff at this school).

I find using Ms when you know someone is married a bit rude. I'm contemplating pointing out, nicely, that I'm a Mrs.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/11/2011 21:59

trois, that's very rude.

It's the reverse of 'taking a stand', surely? Using 'Mrs' is taking a stand to say 'I'm a married woman and I'd like people to know'. If that is important to you, so be it - but I don't see how opting out of that is taking a stand.

OryxCrake · 15/11/2011 21:59

But I'm married and I'm a Ms. Is Ms not just the equivalent of Mr?

Completely confused by the idea that it's rude to address someone you know to be married as 'Ms'. Why wouldn't you? (Unless they asked you to address them as 'Mrs', when of course you would...)

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 22:00

If that 'genre' is so ill-educated as to think that 'ms' means 'lesbian' and that that is in any way something you wouldn't want anyone to think of you as or else it would be insulting, then fuck 'em, frankly!

Threads like this always make me all the more determined to refer to all women as Ms, actually.

motherinferior · 15/11/2011 22:01

What about women who've had a civil ceremony with another woman, then?

I suppose if it's frightfully important to you that everyone knows you've married someone, it matters .

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/11/2011 22:02

mother - a lesbian couple I know were Mrs and Mrs .... for about two days before they realized what a pain it'd be to change all their cards/ID!

motherinferior · 15/11/2011 22:03

Or transwomen who've had a civil ceremony with another woman?

OryxCrake · 15/11/2011 22:05

Also, my husband doesn't say 'Hello, I'm Mr Crake and by the way, I'm married' when introducing himself to random people. To me, referring to myself as 'Mrs' would be doing just that.

Ms = lesbian? Really?! Never heard that one (not that I would care if people assumed I was a lesbian).

Chandeleria · 15/11/2011 22:05

Mother I have friends who are Mrs & Mrs, the interesting bit was deciding who was going to take the others surname because they wanted the same surname. I think they flipped a coin in the end!

Original poster

MitziKinsky · 15/11/2011 22:08

I do know Ms is used by married women who have changed their names. I will admit I do wonder what there personal reason is....I'm sure there are many different reasons.

The lesbian thing didn't cross my mind , but I think for a few years in the 80's Ms was mostly for a few feminists and divorcees.

I don't think it helps that I have encouraged this teacher to use my first name (all pupils are on first name terms with the staff) and he insists on using Ms. If he is going to be stuffy with me, he may as well be stuffy on my terms.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 15/11/2011 22:09

Personally I like being married and know that I've made a commitment.

On the back of another thread last week I asked my husband what he likes about being married and why he chose to be married ...and he simply said ...."because Im proud to be your husband" ...... 'proud' wasnt a word that would have immediately sprung to mind for me , but Yes! actually I'm proud he's my husband, i love being his wife; we've done for better , for worse, sickness and in health, for richer for poorer but you know what? The poor bugger is stuck with me so I'll settle for sticking with Mrs Garcons

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/11/2011 22:09

I think increasingly people will do without titles. It's already hugely more common to use first names than it was when I was a child. I like it, especially when people email and do that (if I may?) thing, which is nice.

PigletJohn · 15/11/2011 22:10

My old dad used to say "Pig." when he answered the phone, when Pig can be either a surname or a first name. That leads to people calling you by your surname and thinking it is your first. I say "John" or "PigletJohn" which is far less confusing. Then people know they can call me Mr Piglet if they want to be formal.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/11/2011 22:11

Cross-posted, but yes, it is really odd if you've asked him to use your first name!

trois - FWIW, I love my DH and we're proud of each other, too. I think someone said on another thread like this that they knew some men who, if there were an option for a male 'married man' title, would definitely use it. I bet we all know men like that! I just reckon since we have 'Ms' it's now up to the blokes if they want to find a 'married Mr' term.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/11/2011 22:16

Tell them their records are wrong. It's not about whether Mrs or Ms is 'best', just what is your correct title!

Chandeleria · 15/11/2011 22:18

I think my DH would use a married man version of 'Mr' if there was one. I can remember when we were getting married I asked if he was going to have a wedding ring and he said 'of course I will', he said he'd be proud to wear one so I think he'd use a 'MarriedMr' title if there was one.

ElaineReese · 15/11/2011 22:18

I love my partner and we have a right good sex life and he's awfully nice, but I don't see that that's anyone's concern other than ours, and I don't expect the dds's teachers to call me Dr Myname,Partner of MrTheirName. Because that would be irrelevant.

Unfortunately they tend just to call me Mrs TheirName.

madam52 · 15/11/2011 22:20

I would just say 'I'm a 'Mrs' actually but you can call me Mitzie.

motherinferior · 15/11/2011 22:21

My aunt calls me Mrs HisnameMyname. Because the kids are HisnameMyname and she appears to think I got married at some point.

I find this profoundly annoying but in her sole case I let it pass as she is a 74 year old nun and more to the point is v laid back about my sister and her female partner (and their two sons, whose surnames are HernameHername).

Anyone else gets very short shrift.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 15/11/2011 22:23

See, rightly or wrongly, and I do not know if this is true for you OP, but your statement that you wish to be defined by the fact that you have a husband says low self-esteem to me. Whereas when someone wishes to be addressed as Ms that says to me that they feel valuable in their own right.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/11/2011 22:25

Nuns, eh? One of the things that irritates me is my mum used to make a tremendous virtue out of not correcting my cousin (another nun) for calling her Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname. Now my mum calls me Mrs Hisname and has no idea why this might annoy me, despite the fact she knows quite well I never changed my name, and despite her own annoyance at being called by my dad's first name.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 22:45

Andrew - I will change the ads. You are right - going for an interview is stressy enough without getting there and thinking "ah feck, I sent her a letter saying "Dear Mr Catgirl" and feeling bad.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 15/11/2011 22:47

PigletJohn - don't be disingenuous - if you wish to be known as Master, you can always tick the box they leave spare in case your title isn't there. Maybe if enough men choose to do this, it might come back into vogue. Bet it won't, though.

" I consider my marriage a public declaration of my partnership with DH. Being married is not better or worse than not being married, but blanking my marital status, when it could be acknowledged annoying."

Odd that men aren't so annoyed by the lack of acknowledgement of their marital status, via their title. Maybe they have better ways to define themselves; maybe their self-esteem isn't so weirdly tied in in whether they managed to get someone down the aisle or not...

And as for the lesbian comparison, words fail me. Couldn't agree more that threads such as these just spur me on more to use Ms as the default.

Hanleyhigh · 15/11/2011 22:55

I don't bother with titles unless I have to but, if pushed I'm Mrs Married name - I never thought I had to have a personal reason for it!

I HATE being called Mrs, keep thinking my mother-in-law is behind me...

toptramp · 15/11/2011 22:57

You should be called by whatever title you want; however I think it would not be such a big deal for you if you were unmarried. If the school kept calling you Ms when you were single would you be phoning in to be called Miss? I think not.

But then if I were married I would probably be proud to be associated with the man I love and so I can see your point of view in that respect. I am a Ms because I don't wish to be judged for being single.

Splinters · 15/11/2011 23:15

And I'm a Ms because it's MY NAME and none of anyone else's business how I came by it. And it's amazing how people feel so entitled to be so rude about my and others' choice of as-neutral-as-possible-under-the-circs title. Can't wait to finish my doctorate. Goodnight.

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