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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to discuss having children and a future?

160 replies

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:02

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 15/11/2011 10:05

YABU. Take it one thing at at time eh ? And although at some point you will need to discuss whether to have children and how many would be nice, names don't need to be discussed until you are actually pg

NinkyNonker · 15/11/2011 10:05

I wouldn't know necessarily whether I wanted children with a partner till we had been together a while, and that normally means living together.

It doesn't like you have been together long?

valiumredhead · 15/11/2011 10:08

I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't

Wait til you are actually pregnant before discussing names with him - discuss names etc with girlfriends, they tend not to run for the hills quite so quickly Wink

Slow doooooooooooooown.

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 10:08

I would not want to take the step of moving in with someone if they were not at least theoretically on the same page as me regarding plans for the future.
I wouldn't need them to commit to having children next year with me. But I would need to know that they definitely saw children in their future before I gave up my own home and financial independence to live with them.

Discussing names is not necessary until you are pregnant. But him confirming that he does want to have a child in the next few years is a reasonable expectation.

SenoritaViva · 15/11/2011 10:08

It isn't up to him when you talk, however, he's not ready to talk but you are. He's assuming that when he is ready then you (still) will be.

That said, you might want to discuss the most important thing before moving in together - does he want children and does he have an idea of how many (maybe he wants 6 and you want 1) then some people would reconsider whether this was the right relationship so I can see your point of view.

However, things like names etc. are not important at this stage.

grovel · 15/11/2011 10:09

How long have you been together?

Tread carefully if you love him.

Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 10:10

I would want to discuss whether you both want children before moving in together. How many threads have there been where an OP has been gutted when her OH announces he doesnt want kids and she is asked "didnt you discuss this before living together?"

I think it is sensible to find out fairly early on if you have the same life goals so you dont invest in a relationship (and possibly property etc) if it turns out that you are heading in totally different directions. If he doesnt want children and the OP clearly does then she can decide whether to leave the relationship or not.

His refusal to discuss it all would be a worry for me.

But I agree that names etc is a but premature at this stage and if thats the sort of thing that you are focussing on, perhaps he feels a bit hounded? If you say that you want to discuss your future so that you can be sure you both want the same things then that may be easier for him to talk about.

TroublesomeEx · 15/11/2011 10:10

I think you might need to establish whether or not you both want children before moving in together if it's very important to you so that you can decide whether this relationship is one you want to continue with but wrt names, that can wait.

Besides you go off names. When I had DS 13 years ago I had a boys name and a girls name decided. When DD was born 7 years later, she didn't have the redundant girls name because I'd gone off it by then!

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:13

katandkit that's exactly my point. I don't want to get a joint mortgage and move in with someone and then find out he only wants 1 or none!

Ok I don't really want to talk names but it would be nice to have a passing comment not ignored.

We've been together 2.5 years.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 15/11/2011 10:15

Oh you need a 'serious talk' then to check you are both on the same page.

TobyLeWolef · 15/11/2011 10:18

You sound very young and like you are in a fairly new relationship.

There is absolutely no hurry. He'll start thinking you're a loon if you keep on. Rushing someone into making a decision by badgering them is not the way to do things.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:18

bogeyface thank you, I agree. I just want to find out if we're on the same page in terms of life goals.

He definately isn't hounded, I've never mentioned names to him, I dont even have any in mind to be honest.

I'm really quite annoyed that I'm not allowed to discuss having children as I've always been maternal and looked forward to having children, and now I've found someone I want to do that with I'm not allowed.

He said he doesn't want ti discuss growing old together as it's weird.

How come (in general) it's always up to men when we get married or start ttc? I see a lot of posts indicating this.

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 10:19

2.5 years is hardly a new relationship!

I would have expected to have serious chats about the future with someone i had been in a relationship with for over 2 years.

TobyLeWolef · 15/11/2011 10:19

X-posts. Ok. It does seem a bit weird not to have spoken about this before now.

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 10:20

YANBU at all. It shocks me when couples who have been together for more than a year haven't discussed all this. If you're just dating someone, fair enough, go with the flow but if you've invested strong feelings in the relationship then you both need to know where you stand and one person refusing to discuss something as important as having children is just not on. Moving in together is a big commitment and you have every right to know where you stand before making that commitment. As for "one thing at a time" - bollocks - don't take that risk with your future.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:21

Toby I'm definately not rushing into it, I don't want children just yet, just the ability to talk about it. Why would I be considered a 'loon' for wanting to discuss children?

I definately don't 'keep on' at home either. I've made a couple of comments about 'when we have kids..' in 2.5 yrs which got ignored.

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:22

cailindana thank you!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 10:22

He sounds quite immature, or possibly not looking to the future because he isnt on the same page as you.

Does he want to move in with you? Is this something you are currently discussing? If so then he needs to accept that he is making a commitment and is asking the same of you and that means certain heavy duty conversations. If he cant do that then perhaps he doesnt see living together as the next stage in a long term relationship and you should re-consider whether you want to move forward with him.

grovel · 15/11/2011 10:23

The answer to your last question, OP, is that men too are affected by life choices you make. Plenty of women take their time to commit to men who are ready to take the plunge.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:23

'I would want to discuss whether you both want children before moving in together. How many threads have there been where an OP has been gutted when her OH announces he doesnt want kids and she is asked "didnt you discuss this before living together?"

I think it is sensible to find out fairly early on if you have the same life goals so you dont invest in a relationship (and possibly property etc) if it turns out that you are heading in totally different directions. If he doesnt want children and the OP clearly does then she can decide whether to leave the relationship or not.'

I completely agree.

Someone who refused to discuss the future after 2.5 yeras together would be a red flag to me, sorry.

I don't believe in 'You're young' 'What's the hurry' or any of that. You're either on the same page and heading in the same direction on not. Life is too short to waste time, IMO.

I'd tell him we need to have a real chat before moving in or making plans to move in.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 10:23

It looks like you need to have THE conversation with him. He needs to know that you wont progress the relationship, move in with him, unless you can have a mature conversation about where your relationship is actually headed. It is sensible to discuss whether children are on the horizon for him or not.

It also depends on how old you are, if you already have children, and can see yourself with him even if he does not want kids. For example, if you are both 20, you have a long time ahead of you to decide when is the right time, and if you are 40, there are different considerations.

I moved in with my husband when we were 20. I never thougth about kids. We were on the same page though, and I got pregnant when I was 27 and we had been married a good few years.

MenopausalHaze · 15/11/2011 10:24

Same page? Sounds to me like you two aren't even on the same book!

ChrissasMissis · 15/11/2011 10:24

You have to drip feed this stuff...my DP has to percolate ideas.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:25

I think a good rule of thumb is that you are both feeling happy and fulfilled with how things are going, no matter what your age. When that isn't happening, you need to talk before proceding further.

NoMoreWasabi · 15/11/2011 10:25

He is NBU to not want to have baby name conversations. But you seem to have assumed that having kids is a when not an if and it sounds like he isn't there yet. It is perfectly legitimate to want to discuss whether you actually have a future and he is up for kids before moving in together.

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