To want to discuss having children and a future?

[KissMyA]

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

Who first used the phrase " lining the landlords pension". You or him?

Personally, I think it is utter lunacy to get a mortgage together and buy a house when:

1. You have not lived together and don't know how suited you are, and;
2. Without being married

You are taking on a HUGE financial commitment, which may be very difficult to get out of (at least with your own finances intact), without having

A) tested the relationship by cohabiting
B) RELATIONSHIP commitments and plans for the future

with the partner you are buying with

I dont think it is a sensible course of action at all!

I agree with Awayinamangercooper (as usual).

At least he's acknowledging that a conversation is imminent.

My DP is 31. He still sees having kids as, at best, something way off in the future, or more likely, something other people are doing. Er, hello? VP's 33 in 3 months....

I really wish I'd had more of a conversation about this with him before we set up our lives together. Not because I worry that his vision of the future differs from mine, but so that we could have determined a timescale of sorts. I don't think it would be fair on him now, 8 years in, to move the goalposts and start setting deadlines and ultimatums out of the blue. Back then though, I also saw having children as a very abstract notion too.

ChrissasMissis also has it bang-on with the drip-feed & percolation theory. Love that!

Also, OP you need to flip your thinking about renting. Its not a simple case of buying=sound investment for my future vs. renting=lining some landlords greedy pockets. That is a very limiting and dated way of thinking. Renting your accommodation is just another way of spending your money on the most practical solution at a given time, like hiring a car on holiday or paying for childcare.

The thing is you are starting this journey with power imbalance allready in place, i.e. he calls the shots, he decides when to talk, you want kids more than he does, you don't want to scare him off etc. I've been there with my ex and the lesson i've learnt is that once you go there (you doing all the running) there is no way back.

And what Ephiny said @ 11:17:11.

I did move in with him for 3 months early this year and I felt we were very compatible. We didn't argue that much, just the usual little disagreements but generally we get on very well. He makes me laugh a lot and vice versa.

Also when we went on holiday we spent 3 weeks together, when we came back and I went home he told me he really missed me already which I found sweet and I felt the same.

I do see a future with him, but this is annoying me.

banana that's a good idea. I might tell him we need to talk soon, not right away ti give him time to think. Maybe when we go to the cottage so we have plenty of time and privacy to discuss things

Making each other laugh is of course nice, but rather an immature notion that this is what makes a relationship tick over and last!

To be fair, I'd be worried that he hadn't wanted to move in with me after 2.5 years unless somewhere was being bought.

DP and I have the same age gap as you, and have been together as long as you, yet we moved in together after 11 months. We know that our deposit will be provided by a family member (we're extremely lucky in that respect, as you probably appreciate), so didn't see the point in sitting on our hands waiting until we could buy. Owning a property isn't the be all and end all, you know. Why don't you try renting for a while, to check the compatibility?

At least then you're not potentially going to lose £25k if you realise you actually don't have a future together.

He said he doesn't want ti discuss growing old together as it's weird.

That made me LOL! How old is he - 13?

Maybe a test drive is in order.

And I'm definitely going to note down plans for my future as someone advised as that sounds smart.

I'm going to tell him tomorrow that we need to discuss the future of our relationship before we move in. I'll also suggest renting first for 6m-1year and see what he thinks

Don't some places offer buy as you let? Not shared ownership (they scare me) but where your rent is marginally higher to start chipping away at a deposit?

A test drive is a very good idea. Save your deposit, you can use it with him later, or on your own if it does not work out. It is a sound investment for yourself. This way you don't need to put a pressure on each other regards your future.

He's just not that into you.

My brother was in a long term relationship (5+ years) in his early twenties with a lovely girl but said throughout that he didn't think he ever wanted to get married, have children etc. Really he just didn't want to marry her. They eventually split up and he was engaged to his next girlfriend within a year. They now have three children.

There is a happy end for his ex too, she is happily married and has a baby.

Really be honest with yourself when you sit down with yourself to think about what you want and need in life, and approximately when/timescale. Don't think about him, he won't be there, just discuss it with yourself and be as honest as you can. Chew it over for a few days, too, tweak as needed.

Bring that to the table when you have a discussion.

Living together short-term, when you know there's an end date to it, going on holiday, those aren't reality.

And don't present renting to him to 'see what he thinks'. Just don't make buying an option until you're rented a big first to see if you're compatible. 'I think we should rent first'.

He starts balking or refuses to set a time aside to discuss things seriously, you have your answer.

He said he doesn't want ti discuss growing old together as it's weird.

How about discussing not growing old together? If you are going to buy a property together, you need to discuss what happens if one of you dies. Will you or his parents inherit his share of the house? Will he or your parents inherit your share? Will you have insurance policies to clear the mortgage? If you want your parents to inherit your £25k, then will you take out a policy that will pay out to him to cover the cost to avoid him having to sell/move?

daveywarbeck Tue 15-Nov-11 11:54:14
He's just not that into you.

Its a massive leap to glean this from the OPs posts.

Just because he's a bit immature and not on the same page with the OP regarding BIG life plans, does not necessarily indicate diminished feeling toward her.

She hasn't yet made it plain to him what page she's on, so until she does, we can't be sure what his motivations/intentions are.

Great advice from everyone to just have a few conversations & good on you OP for taking on board this advice, and considering alternative options for your next sep. Good luck.

step* gah

Yes for the love of God if you do buy with this man but please don't get a proper cohabitation agreement on which you are both properly and separately advised by a solicitor, addressing the points Lydia sets out, and others.

OK, Kissmya - good plan.

Perhaps you could also consider writing a co-habitation agreement if you do decide to move in together. Yes it is weird to talk about when growing old/young together, but it can also be very exciting. It makes life so much easier when you've got something to work towards.

Vivipru is quite right (mutual appreciation society!) - so many of our generation had it instilled in us as children that we must get a mortgage and not throw our money away on rent. Even though things have changed, it's hard for us to change our mindset. It's one of the mental barriers to starting a family that people our age often express. So it must have been amazing for you just to be given the deposit like that. I can see why you want to buy, while you have that lump sum, but I'm sure you can also see the risks, with your sensible head on.

A friend of mine was in a v similar situation. They bought a house together after 5 years of "we will talk about babies when we have our own place". After about 6 months of living together he told her he never wanted children and never had. He wanted to be with her and thought if he could string it out for long enough then she wouldn't have children due to biology. They have split now and she is renting but her money is in the house and she is 36 and wants a baby. She has wasted her 30s on someone who basically led her on. She is considering sperm donation.

Cheers davey

I'm not going to get strung along by any man, which is why I posted in aibu. I knew I would get very honest replies and good advice (from some).

I'm going to have a talk before we move in together, if I don't like what I hear, there will be no mortgage.

Well seriously, is he that into you? He won't talk about a joint future, he won't talk about children - why would that be? Only you and he really know. But it's entirely possible.

Don't do this.

Keep that money safe.

YES - rent for a year, preferably two. The housing market is all over the place now anyway, prices might go down. You're certainly not necessarily losing out financially by not buying now.

He's not necessarily a bell-end, but he sounds like one, alas. Let's check it out, eh, in the interests of well-thought-out forward planning of your future. The most important thing you can do in this respect is make DAMN SURE that the guy you've chosen isn't a steaming wanker underneath it all. 2.5 years isn't long enough, I'd say. Not when there are a few red flags popping up. You sound sensible. Live together for another year or so, renting - keep your eyes open, keep your cool, and make it clear that you aren't going to be sutmping up 25K anytime soon with someone who:

a. Seems to think that he can decide when/how/if YOU talk about certain subjects. He doesn't get to 'allow' you to talk about anything, and more to the point he needs it made very, very clear that he will not be dictating the pace of your relationship. You both will. Jointly. By talking about stuff.

b. Has a nasty little habit of sidelining you 'When I have kids'? 'Yes I'm moving out and getting my own place'? Hmmmm. Don't like that. At all.

c. Is 31 but clearly has issues about talking about the future full stop, and whose default position was to move back in with his parents after a break-up rather than get his own place, despite being in a good job. Why?

I don't like the sound of him at all, OP. I read it as him being delighted to be handed a 25K deposit on a plate, rather than delighted at starting your joint life together. Call a halt to the house buying, insist on a year's rental contract, and see if after a year you're a happy bunny, or feeling sidelined, talked down to and pushed into second place by a fairly selfish, childish man.

FWIW, OP I can't see any evidence whatsoever from your posts that you are naive or open to being taken advantage of. I also think your DP sounds pretty normal if not a bit frustrating and insensitive aren't they all at times?

I think a lot of people here are just projecting (me included, that's what AIBU's for :) ) but also genuinely not wanting to see you in a pickle.

You sound very sensible.