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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to discuss having children and a future?

160 replies

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:02

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

OP posts:

molly3478 · 15/11/2011 10:25

I think that far into your relationship then it is usually something that is often talked about or brought up.It sounds like he doesnt want kids much and I also think its weird that he thinks its strange to talk about growing old together.

youtalkintome · 15/11/2011 10:26

YABU if you want to set dates and pick names. YANBU if you just want to discuss that you both want them.

Chestnutx3 · 15/11/2011 10:26

Have a friend who did get a joint mortgage and then found out a year later that he didn't think he wanted children. She is now childless and in her 40s but would love to have children but he is still "not ready" and now its probably too late. YANBU. Baby names yes YABU.

I don't know why you just don't say I wouldn't want to move in with a man who didn't want children with me. You are allowing him to do this, are you so scared of losing/upsetting him. Maybe he isn't the right person.

AlpinePony · 15/11/2011 10:27

Yanbu. You have the right to discuss what you want from life. Quite frankly life's too short to sit and wait for him to propose/ditch condoms. Go find someone who wants a future with you.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:29

What Chesnut and Alpine said.

I had relationships with men who, it turns out, didn't want children. I finally got wise and stopped wasting my time. There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children.

Sure enough, I found someone who wanted the same thing, we married shortly after we started going out and have a baby about a year later.

Original poster

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:30

To answer questions. I'm 26, he is 31. No other children. We're going to start look for property early next year.

What's strange is he does mention having children, we were watching supernanny once and he said something like 'when I have kids I wouldn't do that' he never says we which upsets me. Maybe I'm being oversensitive.

I don't really know how to broach the subject but I definately need to.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 10:30

I would advise you not to move in with him until you've had a proper conversation about this. Him fobbing you off and not even talking to you about it is a massive red flag - he's basically saying he doesn't care about your concerns and he is happy to keep you in the dark about your future. Not acceptable. A serious couple should be able to discuss all these things openly. If he's not willing to do that then you have to think about whether you should put off moving in for a while until he matures a little (that's if he's great in other ways) or if this is a symptom of other problems that can't be solved and it might be better to move on.

RoyalWelsh · 15/11/2011 10:33

I had 'the' conversation with DP the first night we met. I was very VERY drunk but I completely meant what I said and we have both since agreed numerous times that he know exactly what it is that I want and that I have been ready since the dawn of time for a long time for marriage and babies, it's just that he isn't ready yet.

I think as long as you explain Why you want to have the conversation and don't just allow him to think that you are frivolously talking about squeaky clean baby pink/blue abstract babies then it would sink in better. I would want to make sure DP knew before I moved in with him that the things you mentioned were deal breakers. Once you have made that leap to sharing a house it is much harder IMO to leave because he doesn't want what you want

Furthermore, don't let him think YABU by wanting to have that conversation. It's your future, it's a legitimate, sensible conversation to have.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:34

I would not move in with this man at all. In fact, I think I'd split up with him. He'll be the type to tell you, 'Oh, yes, we'll do it in 5 years or let's talk about it in 2 years,' and then when the time's up, he'll fob you off.

He's 31. That's not a child. Nor is 26.

Please, get out now and find someone who is more interested in having a family.

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 10:35

Sorry Kiss, he sounds like he might be prone to mind games. This whole "when I have kids" thing mean and unnecessary. A decent man would know that that would at least make his partner wonder, if not be very hurt.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:35

IME, 'I'm not ready' = not compatible because timing is wrong.

It happens.

But honestly, life is too short to hang around waiting for someone to be 'ready' when there are plenty out there who are.

You won't be happy unless you learn to respect what you want and need and not be afraid to honour that.

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 10:37

A conversation about it doesn't need to be "going on about it" anyway. You just need to lay your cards on the table and wait for his answer.

A possible situation might be "look, I'm in no rush for us to have a baby now, we have plenty of time and we should have a nice time getting used to living together just the two of us. But obviously that is a big commitment so we need to know that we are looking for the same things in life. I see myself ideally having two children, and would like to start a family in the next 3-5 years, how do you feel about that?"

To be honest I never had this situation as we were trying before we were able to move in together! but I am in my mid-thirties and don't have all the time in the world to get on with it.

A good friend of mine had similar conversation with her now-husband in her 20s. They were considering cohabitation and then marriage and she made it quite clear that she wanted to ideally have 2 children by the time she was 30. Obviously nobody knows what life would bring, but he was perfectly clear on what she was expecting, he had signed up to the deal, they got married when she was 26 and had their second child a bit before her 30th birthday.

He might have been happy just plodding along not doing anything for a while but she had quite clear goals about what she wanted from a relationship and made sure he was the right man to achieve them with.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 10:38

Neither of you are that young.
If he at the age of 31 is unwilling to discuss the future with his partner of 2 1/2 years, and is avoiding talk of children together, I would take it as a sign that he is "not that into you".

You really need to think carefully whether this man is good enough for you. If he is husband and father material. This is your life, your future, these are important considerations.

It seems he is happy to be dating for now, and that even moving in together has been put off into the future..

Original poster

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:39

I'll definitely have the talk with him before I decide to stay with him. I cannot be fobbed off on something so important to me - my future!

I saw a message on his fb page telling someone (a female friend) he was 'moving out and getting his own place' there was no mention of me, despite the fact I'm paying the 25k deposit

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 10:40

Oh dear....that doesnt sound good at all.

He clearly sees himself having children at some point but the "I" POV rather than "we", coupled with him ignoring you trying to talk about it would suggest that he doesnt necessarily seem himself having them with you. He doesnt seem to see you as a couple at all, yet he wants you to sign up for 25 years on a mortgage!

I am not saying that he will never want children with you,but as Emin said, would you want to risk "in a couple of years...." then "when I get promoted...." and then you find yourself at 40 with no children and no prospect of things ever changing?

If you ask him for "that" conversation and he still refuses then that is the time to tell him that you are putting a hold on the moving in plans. And if you feel that he is fobbing you off with "oh sure, we will have kids just not yet...." then keep holding off. This is a major step that he is asking you to make and your shouldnt make it until you are 100% certain that it is the right thing to do.

ChaoticAngel · 15/11/2011 10:41

"'when I have kids I wouldn't do that'"

Having read your other posts this says to me that he doesn't see himself having children with you at all.

I agree with eminencegrise's post of 10:34.

AMumInScotland · 15/11/2011 10:42

Hmm, so you say "When we have kids..." and he says "When I have kids..." - I'm not sure you are on the same page here at all. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him - dropping your assumptions into other conversations doesn't work, and can lead to misunderstandings and feeling hassled. But he really should not refuse to have a sensible discussion about whether he sees himself having children with you at all, roughly how many and in what sort of timescale. That's not unreasonable before you decide for sure whether moving in together and specially buying property are a good bet.

If he doesn't seem to be thinking in the same terms as you, then you need to decide how much of a risk you're prepared to take on him vs what you want.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 10:42

Moving out from where?
A flat share?
His parents?

How many of his friends and family have you met? Do you think you might be just a casual girlfriend rather than a partner?

to
"getting his own place" when he is supposed to move in with you, rather than "moving in with my partner"

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:42

'I saw a message on his fb page telling someone (a female friend) he was 'moving out and getting his own place' there was no mention of me, despite the fact I'm paying the 25k deposit'

My mate just lost 80K in a split with her partner on their joint property.

Please, please learn from her very costly mistake. Do NOT move in with this man AT ALL. Don't even think about it. He isn't even seeing your moving in together as a partnership, he's seeing it as getting his own place.

Consider it lucky you didn't have kids with this person.

Original poster

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:43

kitandkat I like that and may use it, short and straight to the point!

Quintessential he isn't putting off moving together, he's very much looking forward to it. We just have to build up our credit before we apply hence why it will be next year we will start looking

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 10:43

Oh god Kiss the more you say about him the more I'm thinking "run for the hills!!" What a weird thing to post on FB - he's clearly not getting his own place, he's getting a place with you! Are you sure he's not using you as a meal ticket? I would never pay the entire deposit on a place with someone who has made no commitment to me.

Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 10:44

despite the fact I'm paying the 25k deposit

And there is your answer.

I am so sorry OP but this is sounding worse and worse.

HE is moving out, HE is getting his own place (I take that to mean he is still living with his parents, which is a huge warning that he leans on other people), he has talked about when HE has kids etc, yet you are paying for this fabulous "own place"?

I would be stopping this right now. I have a very very bad feeling about this man.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 10:45

So, YOU have saved up for a deposit, and what has he done?
Improved his own credit rating?

oh dear.

Does he have a job?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 10:45

Kiss, don't bother with this person any further. Cut your losses now and chalk this up to experience.

Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 10:47

MANCHILD ALERT!!!!

You are 5 years younger than him but he has the attitude of a teenager!

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