To want to discuss having children and a future?

[KissMyA]

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

quintessential moving out from his parents, same as me. Ive met all of his friends and work colleagues. I go to most events with him like other friends weddings, birthdays. We've been on holiday twice and we're going away for christmas to a cottage so I do think he sees me as his partner.

Everything else is good in the relationship, apart from this. I never saw him as a commitphobe but now I am

The more I read this thread, the more he sounds like a bell-end.

Again I agree with eminencegrise.

Do not move in with this man. He isn't making a commitment to you, he's just looking to get his own place.

You are still young and have plenty of time to find a better guy. Don't end up like my friend - she moved in with a guy who over time let it be known that he didn't want kids (after stringing her along for a bit first). She convinced herself she was ok with that and ended up wasting ten years with him before realising that she really did want kids. She left him and luckily found someone else whom she married and has a son with but she laments the fact that she's an older mother and may not be able to have any more. To hear her talking about it is heartbreaking. She feels she was betrayed by him, and rightly so. Don't end up like her.

He is a 31 year old man, who has been parented for over 10 years of his adult life.

Does he have a decent job?

Can he cook?

Will he lean on you to get deposit for "his" flat, cook, clean, do his laundry and iron his shirts like his mum has done so far?

Can he budget?
Does he have any savings?

How can he have a bad credit rating if he has not had any proper expenses?
What is his attitude to money?

'so I do think he sees me as his partner.'

No, he doesn't. When you see someone as a partner, you're willing and able to want to discuss the future with them and discuss both of your mutual needs and wants.

He won't discuss kids until after you move in together because then he will have you by the balls. You'll be stuck on a mortgage with him and looking at losing that £25K.

Not on. He doesn't get to decide everything.

He sees you as a ticket to moving out of his parents home. He's 31 and lives at home?

Run, run far and fast! Trust me, plenty of us here have been there!

This guy's a no-hoper.

well, I'd refuse to move in until these things are discussed. At a similar age, I told the now DH that I wanted to either have a child or be pregnant on my 30th, and I wanted to be married to that child's father. That was the deadline, if it wasn't going to happen with him, then I'd best know so that I could find someone else.

You don't need to discuss names, how you will parent or what colour you'll decorate their bedrooms, you do need to discuss how you will own this property, the wording of your wills, taking out life insurance to cover the mortgage for the other one in the event of death of one of you, will you get married and have children, do you want a similar number of children, will you be able to afford the mortgage on one wage during a maternity leave(s) and/or would you want to be a stay at home mother.

Perhaps start ask him how long he imagines living in the property you are thinking of buying, and therefore what else will need to be funded during that time. (Know a lot of couples who bought properties in their late 20s, without even thinking if they could afford to take a maternity leave year in the next decade, then getting stressed in their early 30s when they got pregnant that they couldn't afford the mortgage without working full time)

Personally, I'd refuse to take out the mortgage until 10 year plans have been drawn up. rent for a while with him, that's only a 6 month commitment, not 25 years. (Hell of a lot easier to get out of if he's not committed to you.)

I didn't save up, the money was from my inheritance. He'll be paying all the mortgage after that as I own my own company and do not have a salary just yet. He has a good, stable job.

I was waiting for the cried of 'leave the bastard' didn't take long. Damn

When I read your first posts I though you needed to slow down - no need to be discussing names etc until you're actually pregnant!

But I agree with what others have said, that you need to talk about the future and long-term plans before making the decision to move in together, it's a big decision especially if buying property/getting a mortgage is involved, and can be difficult and costly to extricate yourself from. He doesn't get to tell you you're not allowed to mention certain things until he's got his feet under your table!

I know it's impossible to make definite plans about things like having children, it doesn't always work out as you hope and people can change their minds, circumstances can change etc. But it seems sensible to make sure you have compatible expectations at least.

Why on earth is a 31 year old still living with parents? I can understand moving in temporarily with them during hard times, but to not have ever moved out is crazy.
This is what renting property is for. You can live together for a year with no long term financial commitment, no 25k deposit. If it doesn't work out nothing much is lost. Is this not something you have considered, renting a flat together for a year?

You should also both make sure you understand your legal position with regards to ownership of the house, get things in writing if necessary. I know it sounds unromantic and negative, but informal arrangements between unmarried couples can end in a horrible mess if things go wrong.

I am not telling you to leave him. I just want you to get things clear in your mind. Because it sounds like you are two different books sitting next to eachother in a library, rather than on the same page. But you know him and your relationship better than any of us.

Can he afford the mortgage and bills alone if you are not earning?

Well, by all means, move in with him, just rent. Do not sink your inheritance into a relationship in which, after 2.5 years and he is already in his 30s, he is putting conditions on even discussing elements of your life with are very important to you.

The right person will be genuinely excited about your life together. DH and I got together when we were 19 which is very young but within months we were discussing marriage and how many children we might have. We knew it wouldn't happen for a long while yet but we could see it happening for us. It sounds like your partner is holding back, bigtime, and that could be because he's been hurt before and is afraid to consider a future with you or he just isn't that into you (sorry) and really doesn't see you as being the mother of his children. You deserve to have someone who is thrilled about being with you and respects you enough to not be able imagine having children with anyone else.

So you 're going to be paying the deposit, but "we" still have to build up "our" credit

I think you need to be very wary of whether he really thinks of this as a proper commitment - FB about "getting his own place" together with the comments about "When I have children" don't sound like he's that committed to this relationship.

Why not ask him where he sees things in 5 years time? I think he wants freedom from living at home, and you are conveniently available, rather than being the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with and be the mother of his children.

I agree with Cailin.

If you still want to stay with him, either rent or don't live together.

But getting a house with this person when he refuses to discuss your future together is a big mistake.

'He is a 31 year old man, who has been parented for over 10 years of his adult life.

Does he have a decent job? Yes

Can he cook? Yes, very well

Will he lean on you to get deposit for "his" flat, cook, clean, do his laundry and iron his shirts like his mum has done so far? I bloody hope not

Can he budget? I think so
Does he have any savings? Yes he has a standing order into his savings, so saves 1500 a month towards the house

How can he have a bad credit rating if he has not had any proper expenses? He has a default from a small loan which was wrongly placed on his account, we are seeing a solicitor about it other wise he has no debts/credit cards so quite good with money

We were going to save the deposit together but my father said he could give me an advance so we can do it sooner.

My friend moved in with her boy friend like that. She thought they were headed towards marriage and children. When they split up a year later, she lost her deposit, as he claimed half when they sold, conveniently forgetting that she paid it all, and she had nothing in writing. Her half deposit was too small for her to get another place, she could not afford renting, and ended up with her parents. Not a good situation. HE moved on with his new girlfriend, putting together his half of the deposit with funds from his new woman, and they bought together.

Be careful with the legal position.

But why not rent? It is easier to split up if it does not work out if you are renting.

I don't know enough about you or him to say "leave the bastard"! Anyway, if he doesn't want to have kids with you, he is allowed to have that opinion. Breeding is not compulsory, there is nothing wrong with a man who does not want to have children. It doesn't make him a no-hoper, any more than a woman who doesn't want kids.

But you do want to have children so you need to know if you have a future with this man. Before you enter into a 25 year mortgage agreement. Before you spend five more years in a relationship with him and then he tells you he never wants kids and you are left wondering if you will find a new long term partner before your time runs out.

I agree, if you want to give the relationship a chance rent with him don't buy. Then you can see if it's really going anywhere and in six months time once you've both had a chance to see what living together is like you can revisit buying.

This isn't a case of "leave the bastard" so much as a "leave this manchild who obviously doesn't want to commit to you and marry/have kids with you but seems to using you to get out of his parent's house."

Everything you've said suggests that this man does not see his long term future with you. You don't have to leave him, although I'd suggest you do if you want marriage/kids, but FGS don't move in with him.

That is exactly what happened to my mate, QS. Only she lost £80k. She has a child with the man, too. He left her for another shag. Now she is having to rent a flat as she can no longer afford to buy something else.

I think the idea of renting for a year before getting a mortgage together is a very wise one. You can see how compatible you are living together and are not tied to each other with a mortgage.

TBH though I wouldn't even do that. His age, the amount of time you've been together, his FB comment, and his comments about when "I" have dcs.... all these things together paint a rather negative picture.

At least dont buy anything yet.... Save your deposit money.

You can still buy in a year if you are right together!

He also said to fb friend that she can stay there if she's ever in London

He can afford bills alone QES.

All very good advice which I am listening to, thank you.

I feel much more confident now.

To whoever asked, he lives with his parents because he had to move back in after a break up from ex. He has been there 2 years now