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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to discuss having children and a future?

160 replies

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:02

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 15/11/2011 12:22

Your last post. Yes, have a talk - but make no mistake, if he sees that deposit evaporating before his eyes, he'll be saying whatever he thinks you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words. Call a halt anyway, and rent for a year. You haven't got enough of a handle on this man - that's what your instincts are telling you, that's why you aren't 100% happy. Don't ignore them. Rent, live with him, don't commit yet. It's probably the more sensible option anyway, financially speaking. And after a year or two living together, you will know what you need to know. Warts and all!

marriedinwhite · 15/11/2011 12:23

If I didn't know I was on the same page as the man I thought I might spend the rest of my life with after two and a half years I wouldn't be moving in with him. The conversation would go something like this. You don't seem clear about what you want in the future. I want two to three children and would like to start a familiy in the next two to three years. If that isn't something that you want I don't think there is a future in this relationship.

Awayinamangercooper · 15/11/2011 12:26

OP if you take nothing else from this thread, take on board the very sound and sensible advice from Vivipru and Shoutyhamster.

ViviPru · 15/11/2011 12:31

all in a days' work Wink

Although in reality I'm sat here quivering at the thought of having That conversation with DP (and hunched over screen incase he reads this over my shoulder!).

Sanctimonious MNtter in can't-take-her-own-advice shocker.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 12:39

shoutyhamster why is it more financially sensible? Genuine question

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 12:40

Thank you Vivi good luck with your situation too, please keep me posted

OP posts:
Awayinamangercooper · 15/11/2011 12:43

OP because buying is very risky at the moment and reselling is difficult. If you rent you know exactly what your outlay and risk exposure will be and you won't be tied in. If your house loses value, it will be the deposit that goes.

HardCheese · 15/11/2011 12:44

Because of the difficulties in extricating yourself from a mortgage for which you've paid all of the deposit, OP, should the relationship breakdown. It happened to my sister, in a 14-year relationship - she paid a disproportionate amount of the deposit and mortgage payments, because she was supporting her partner while he studied, and the end of that relationship was a real mess financially. I think she also stayed in a dead relationship for longer than she should have or wanted to, because of the Pressure of the Mortgage, and completely correct anticipation of the difficulty of handling the break-up financially. Don't put yourself in that position - paying half of a one-bed flat's rent for a year is a trifle in comparison.

I agree with whoever said up the thread that too many of us mentally blackmail ourselves into mortgages with sayings about lining landlords' pockets. I do think it's the more financially and emotionally sensible option in your case. Good luck.

mumofthreekids · 15/11/2011 12:45

In regards to renting, we were going to but thought it's very expensive to rent anywhere near here and it would be best to save that money towards our house rather than pay the landlords pension

People who think that renting is 'throwing money away' or you need to 'get on the property ladder' are assuming that house prices will increase sufficiently to exceed the high expenses of buying a house (stamp duty, estate agents etc) and leave you with a profit. This is no longer a foregone conclusion, especially if you don't own the house for very long, so it is not necessarily more expensive to rent (depending on rental rates in the area vs the mortgage you might get).

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2011 12:49

Yes, regardless of the relationship, renting rather than buying in the current market is safer right now. There was/is a bubble in house-prices, no-one can tell until at least ten years afterwards when it peaked/burst/stabilised. It's a very big risk, and one that you don't need to take right now.

MardyArsedMidlander · 15/11/2011 12:52

When you said he doesn't like to talk about getting old together- I thought you were going to say he was about 20.

A mortgage is 25 years committment. Plus if you break up, you have to sell the house, buy him out or risk losing your deposit. Not very romantic I know. But I'd be more worried about the FB messages and the odd comments than what names to call the baby.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 15/11/2011 12:52

Oh jeez - at the very least try renting with this guy before you sign up to a joint mortgage. In this day and age a joint mortgage is a more binding commitment than marriage, but with you putting up the deposit you're the one with everything to lose. Please please think about renting before buying and walk forwards cautiously, don;t think that it will never happen to you...

HazleNutt · 15/11/2011 13:20

Also, he is telling female friends that he is getting HIS own place and of course they can stay there? Hmm
Without mentioning that he is moving in with you? That does not sound like a committed man to me.

I agree with others - rent first, then discuss children and future. And if you find a solution satisfactory to both, then get married and buy.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 13:25

I know Hazle that has really pissed me off! There is no way anyone is staying without my knowledge. I've never met this friend but they've been friends for years. Something makes me think he would not like a male friend of mine sleeping over!

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Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 13:27

What scares me is making the same mistake as my mother. My stepdad moved in with us, unemployed loser. They got married, divorced after 20 years and he's somehow kept the house Hmm

OP posts:
ViviPru · 15/11/2011 13:30

You'll know better than what signs to look out for OP

Don't be scared. You sound more than equipped to deal with this situation.

ViviPru · 15/11/2011 13:31

*better than most. Gah. Multitasking nightmare.

realhousewife · 15/11/2011 13:38

This is a great opportunity for you to really test his commitment. Don't be pushy with him, just see whether he tries to push you, and how and why he does it. If he's doing things mostly for his benefit, you may have to make bigger decisions than buying or renting.

ShoutyHamster · 15/11/2011 13:50

Yes as others have said OP, it isn't necessarily the best time to buy right now if there's even a chance you might have to resell in say five years or less.

So financially, if I were you I'd rent for a year - because if the worst happened - house prices dropped, and you bought then split up in say three years, you could lose a hell of a lot more than the cost of a year's rent, on top of the hell of actually getting the VALUE of that deposit back (i.e. getting it all back at once, rather than some proportion of it paid in dribs and drabs - you get the idea).

Similarly, if you rent and house prices fall by this time next year, you could be quids in through having rented for a year.

We were thinking of buying in the place we currently live - wanted out of our current rental, thinking (like you) why pay rent when theoretically we could buy.

However. We have a good idea that we'll move cities in three years or less. So when we did the sums, it didn't really add up. If prices dropped and we had to sell (moving for job) we could lose out quite badly. Far more than by renting!

At the moment, it makes a lot of sense to not buy, even leaving aside the relationship issues.

Also - once you have bought together, as HardCheese says, there's a subtle pressure to stay together. You've committed, it'll be hell on earth to split it all up and you'l both lose money, so let's muddle through... that isn't a great situation to be in, frankly.

I say again - just rent for a bit! This is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. It's worth not rushing. It's worth losing some money renting, too. Well worth it not to lock yourself in with the wrong guy. Well worth it to give yourself the peace of mind that you know he's the right guy. As much as you ever can!

And if he's the keeper you hope he is - he'll understand this, and should go for it too.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 14:31

OP, do you know why he's been happy to live with his parents for the last 3 years? Even though he is 31 and has a good job? And a long-term girlfriend whom presumably he would want some privacy with?

That, to me, is the biggest red flag, because I think it shows he values other things more than having an independent life and mature relationship, and those preferences will be hard to change at his age.

Dozer · 15/11/2011 18:27

Rent rent rent! (if you must live with him, doesn't sound hopeful that he loves you enough for the whole family/marriage thing), mortgages can be harder to get out of than marriage.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 19:05

I'm going to call him in a bit and tell him how I'm feeling, and bring up the idea of renting first. Bit worried as we've made all these plans already and are seeing solicitor thurs but it's worth it to know he's the man for me.

I would like to tell him in person but I'm not seeing him tonight

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notmyproblem · 15/11/2011 20:24

Fwiw, a website called AskMen has an article about the 6-month milestone in a relationship. This means that MEN are advising OTHER MEN that around the 6-month mark is when you start looking seriously at your girlfriend and your relationship and thinking about the big questions of the future.

6 months. And you've been together 2.5 years and only starting to go into this stuff? And he's 31?

Careful, be very careful.

uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/67_dating_tips.html

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 20:29

'Bit worried as we've made all these plans already and are seeing solicitor thurs but it's worth it to know he's the man for me.'

Don't be. You have nothing to fear, and it's best to discuss things now than before you are living with him even in rented accommodation. You deserve to know where the relationship is heading long-term if that's something that's important to you. You deserve honesty in a relationship.

Original poster
KissMyA · 15/11/2011 20:38

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I'm so glad I posted on here.

We spoke and I told him I want us to rent first, see how we get on for 6months to a year and if all is well we can get our own place. He agreed that this sounded sensible.

I also brought up that I would like to discuss our future goals together and what we both want, I told him think it over and we'll discuss it over christmas.

He totally agreed. I'm looking forward to our chat!

OP posts: