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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to discuss having children and a future?

160 replies

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 10:02

My DP said we can start talking about having kids after we have moved in together. Why is it up to him when we start talking about having children? I just want to be able to discuss how many we would like/names and other general things but he won't.

Aibu to want to have conversations like 'when we have children...'?

OP posts:

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:02

'It doesn't make him a no-hoper, any more than a woman who doesn't want kids.'

That's not why I called him that and never did anyone said it's wrong to not want to have kids.

He's a no-hoper because he doesn't see her as a partner if he's writing stuff on FB like, 'I am getting my own place' and 'when I have kids' and refusing to discuss the future with his girlfriend.

Original poster

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 11:03

*3yrs

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 11:03

...oh, it seems he likes to be calling the shots...

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:04

Wonder why he split with the ex . . .

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 11:05

eminence grise I think you may have a very good point that he is still thinking of his life in terms of "I" not "we".

I still think a serious chat about the future is in order. If he refuses to discuss these issues it is because he is not considering a long term future with you.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:06

'...oh, it seems he likes to be calling the shots...'

Yep.

'We can't discuss children until we move in together. . . '
'When I have kids . . .
'I'm getting my own place . . . '
'You can stay here anytime you're in London . . . '

This doesn't sound promising.

Original poster

KissMyA · 15/11/2011 11:08

Im seeing my solicitor about protecting my money incase we split up. My father is adamant I do this and so am I p. I don't live in a fairytale world, I'm realistic and will make sure I cover all my bases.

In regards to renting, we were going to but thought it's very expensive to rent anywhere near here and it would be best to save that money towards our house rather than pay the landlords pension.

Surely he sees a future with me if we're doing all this? He was the one who said he really wants to live with me and make a home together before money was even brought in

OP posts:

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:08

Have a good long think, Kiss, about what you want and when you want it (estimate). Write it down, even: marriage, kids, own flat, company expansion, another degree, travel, etc.

Be completely honest with yourself.

Tell him you need to discuss your wants and needs now.

If he balks, you have your answer.

If I were with someone that long at that age, I'd want to know what they wanted and needed out of life to see if we were on the same page and heading in the right direction, especially before embarking on a commitment like buying property together!

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:10

'In regards to renting, we were going to but thought it's very expensive to rent anywhere near here and it would be best to save that money towards our house rather than pay the landlords pension.'

No, it isn't. It's an investment in your future together in this case.

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 11:10

Reading further, it does seem that you don't have to end this relationship, but do need to make it clear some issues need to be sorted first - you will be putting all your money, all your financial stability into a relationship that you aren't 100% certain is going to be what you want long term. Why let him decide the pace?

If he can't afford buy the property without your money, then he can't buy you out if when you do have those conversations you decide what he's offering isn't what you want.

Why not rent for 6 months, see what living with him is like. Get your first "why didn't you put the washing up liquid bottle back where it should be?" arguements out of the way (our first living together row!) and decide if this is someone you can be with long term before sinking your inheritance into a property with him? Bit of a 'try before you buy'...

Awayinamangercooper · 15/11/2011 11:11

Why would your DP say you can "start talking about having kids" after you move in together if he didn't want to have any? My DH would never have said we would "start talking about having kids". He always just said "no kids".

I think there's a lot of jumping to conclusions going on on this thread. You haven't lived together yet, so it's not unreasonable for your DP to be not quite at the stage of making a forever commitment to you. DH and I lived together for four years before we got to that stage and we're now very happily married. It sounds like you both want to have children in the future, which is a great place to be starting from.

Having said that, DH and I wouldn't any more have bought a house together than danced on the moon before we were sure of our commitment to the relationship long-term. Please don't go taking risks with your money, it would be awful to be stuck in part ownership with someone you'd split with, with the property in negative equity. It could stand in the way of everything you want to do. Why don't you put your £25K in an interest bearing account for a while and find somewhere for the two of you to rent together? That way your relationship can grow without you bearing all the risk. Renting would improve your credit rating, and it would only be for the short term.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:13

'Im seeing my solicitor about protecting my money incase we split up. My father is adamant I do this and so am I p. I don't live in a fairytale world, I'm realistic and will make sure I cover all my bases.'

Won't make a lick of difference if you can't sell the place at profit and he doesn't have it to pay you off in lump sum. He'll be compelled to make payments to you, but then you won't have the lump sum in hand.

Laquitar · 15/11/2011 11:13

My experience is that these men usually move the goalposts.

After you move together he might say 'we will talk about it after i get a promotion'. And then 'after we have 100K in savings'. And then 'we will talk about it after we have seen every country on the planet and every nightclub in the world' and so on.

But why having children with someone you need to do all the encouraging? Even if he agrees in the end it will be like doing you a favour, you will be trying to please him, and he wont lift a finger because 'it was your idea to have kids after all'. (many threads like this here)

So, yes, imo you are right to be concerned. Find someone who wants kids as much as you do.

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 11:13

Surely he sees a future with me if we're doing all this? He was the one who said he really wants to live with me and make a home together before money was even brought in

Quite possibly, but it's always good to discuss these things instead of assuming :) And make sure you have a similar idea of what you want that 'future' to look like.

I'm definitely not saying you should leave him or not move in with him, don't think anyone can reasonably say that based just on this thread, and you seem to be approaching it in a sensible way. Just don't ever feel you can't make your needs and wishes known, or that you can't speak up when you feel uncomfortable about something, or let him tell you that you can't discuss something that is of such importance to you.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:14

Definitely rent together first.

piprabbit · 15/11/2011 11:14

Next time you are tempted to talk about the future, don't introduce the topic of children. Tell him you have concerns about buying somewhere with no long term plans as a couple.
Ask him to help you, as a couple, put in place some plans which would enable you feel comfortable about taking such a huge step and commitment (he doesn't have a monopoly on having commitment wobbles - his might be about children and marriage, but your's should be about sinking all your money into a potentially dead-end relationship).
If he still can't (or won't) discuss the future with you, then I suspect you need to start reconsidering your plans and probably your relationship too.

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 11:16

It's not 'paying the landlords pension' it's "finding out if we can live together without losing too much if we can't".

The other alternative is he buys the place without any money from you, you live together for 6 months paying him "rent", if at that point you decide this is for you long term, you then remortgage, put your name on the deeds and put in your inheritance to reduce the overall mortgage. If it doesn't work out, you move out again and he's got his house by himself.

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 11:17

Also if he doesn't want children, or doesn't want them yet, or isn't sure whether he does or not, or doesn't feel ready to seriously consider the idea - that's all fine, those are all perfectly valid ways to feel. The important thing is that he's open and honest with you about it either way, refusing to talk about the subject at all is the worrying thing here.

TobyLeWolef · 15/11/2011 11:18

Honestly, OP. I have been married and divorced and that part was easy peasy.

The thing from which it was difficult to extricate myself was the joint mortgage. In fact, we have been divorced for almost 8 years and our finances finally became completely separate last week

And having children with someone means you'll always be tied to that person. ALWAYS. And trust me, if you choose the wrong person with whom to have children, it can make your life truly miserable.

No pressure...

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 11:19

I agree, Epiphiny.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 11:19

Renting may be expensive, but not nearly as expensive as dealing with a shared mortgage if you were to break up.

If the whole idea of living together is to make sure you're compatible, why would you attach yourselves to a big fat mortgage in order to do so?

Do NOT use your inheritance. Not when there are some clear warning signs here.

bananaistheanswer · 15/11/2011 11:21

Tbh, I don't see this as a 'leave the bastard' scenario, just a 'time to have a honest discussion' scenario. You can't just chuck a 2.5 yr relationship away without at least having 'the talk'. Obviously, your problem is he's shut down part of that discussion by telling you he won't discuss future plans, kids etc. I think it is simply a case of telling him you both need to sit down and have a good, long, honest discussion about the future, especially given the heavy financial commitment of buying a home together. Give him time to get used to the idea, but asktell him to pick a date in the next few weeks to allow you both time to think about things, and be prepared for the discussion. That way, you aren't trying to talk when he's tired/bored/distracted/defensive because you have given him the 'heads up' and also some choice as to the date when it happens so he shouldn't try to wriggle out of it. If he does, and tries to delay/avoid etc. then I'd say that's a massive red flag and you need to then think more seriously about making such a huge commitment with him.

Good luck.

OrmIrian · 15/11/2011 11:28

"But him confirming that he does want to have a child in the next few years is a reasonable expectation."

Not neccessarily. When Dh and moved in together I was adamant we weren't having babies. Ever. That was how I had felt all my life. Now, 20 something years later we have 3 children. Nothing is set in stone.

squeakytoy · 15/11/2011 11:28

Definately rent first. I made the mistake of buying a house with someone when I was in my early 20's and wished to god I hadnt. If I had rented first, I would have had a much easier escape when it all went tits up.

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 11:32

Epiphiny speaks sense. Listen to her.

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