to have said no to SIL?

[dunkydunker]

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

I wonder what they normally do if their shifts clash? Do they usually ask the nearby family to look after her? It is unrealistic to rely on the goodwill of somebody who lives seven hours way to provide childcare any time it may be required.

Maybe they had already asked the nearby family members to look after her on Christmas Day and they had told them that the SIL shouldn't have agreed to work that day, so that the girl could have at least one of her parents with her on the day.

Queen I gave up my job to take in an 8 week old baby that I had never met. he is now 8, still with me and has multiple disabilities. Last Christmas a 15 year old girl turned up on my doorstep and I fostered her for 5 mths with no finacial input from her family or SS.

So please dont tell me about fucked up attitudes to other people kids.

Hmm to me it sounds like DBro did think you would pay for the train fare, OP, given that he 'went silent' when you raised that. That is not on.

Did you ask him directly why the nearer family couldn't take her?

ohdoadmitit that was an amazing thing to do. Presumably the thought that it wasn't your responsibility to do so didn't cross your mind.

And honestly halcyon if i was aware of a ten tear old anywhere near me who was going to have a miserable christmas because of either poor planning or selfish parents then yes I would take them in. I actually think most people would.

No queen because these children didnt have family capable or willing to look after them.

If the 15 year old had turned up on my doorstep because of her mum wanting to go on holiday or just fancying a break i would have phoned her up and told her about herself.

As it was this lovely kid had nowhere to go. So of course I took her in and was pleased to do it.

The 8 week old little scrap would have gone into fc and would very probably still be pinging his way around the system now.

The child in the OP has a family who are responsible for her, are able to care for her but are trying to guilt someone else into it.

If she does it this year to you think that child will ever have a family christmas again? I dont.

I don't think I could have done a 14 hour round trip while 7 or 8 months pregnant tbh. Especially when the poor girl has family a lot closer she could go to. It is incredibly sad that her dps want to shove her so far away.

Has anyone thought of the long term effect on the OP's DN?

If the parents get away with taking the piss this year then they'll more than likely try to palm their DD off again and again over the next several years.

What sort of parents would let their 10yr old travel alone, on a 7hr train journey, especially so near to christmas. As for expecting the OP to pick her up, what happens if the weather is bad? Should the OP be expected to travel all that way, heavily pregnant, therefore possibly risking her own/her unborn child's health on roads that could be covered in snow and ice. This is presuming the OP (and her DH) isn't working right up until christmas.

It is absolutely NOT in this 10 year old girl's best interests to be shipped out to the OP for Christmas. For all the reasons already stated, repeatedly.

Her parents are complete wankers for even considering it, never mind for getting snotty when the OP refused.

Whereyouleftit has it right.

The thread is not about OP being cruel to her 10-year-old DN because she wants a Christmas day shag.

It's about how ridiculous it is to consider putting a 10-year-old on a train for 7 hours for one day.

Or, if ShoutyHamster has it right, about the OP driving 7 hours in each direction to get and return the girlto her home.

One thing everyone has correct is that that poor girl is the loser here.

But OP saying no means her DB and SIL have to take what we all know is the better solution -- that DN spends the day with her family that is closer to her. And isn't stuck on a train, in bad weather, all alone, for hours on end.

In that sense, the OP is doing DN a favour by saying no, as counterintuitive as that may sound.

The child does have loving family members who would be happy to care for her though. She isn't some poor unloved child. Just because they asked her, does not mean she is selfish to have other plans.

Can you imagine what your mw would say if you suggested a minimum 14 hour round trip on Christmas Eve to pick up your dn whilst heavily pregnant? DVT here we come most likely. Would be irresponsible if not down right dangerous for somebody to be doing a drive like that whilst heavily pregnant! And what would happen if she went into labour en route?

And what if the op had booked to be away for Christmas rather than holiday at home - would the people that think she is BU for not taking the dn with them or would that be OK or would they expect her to cancel the holiday in order to look after the dn?

It is definitely the dn's parents that are being unreasonable in trying to farm their dd such a long way away over christmas and expecting others to make it all work around them, regardless of the other plans people have. it's fine to ask but only so long as you don't mind getting No as an answer!

whereyouleftit they have seemingly managed for the last 9 years so I see no reason why you would assume the DN will be "shipped out" every year? There is very little evidence to suggest the parents want rid of her and I am a bit surprised so many people assume they are. How many mums here would really rather work in a hotel than spend Christmas with their 10 year old, it smacks of a desperate financial situation to me. And sure the OP's bro has been presumptuous but if you can't rely on your family at Christmas then it's a sorry state of affairs.

I'm not some sort of hippy do gooder- Christ I don't even really like children (except my own ) but there is no way I would see a child let down at Christmas if there was anything I could do.

I'm honestly surprised so many people feel differently.

With her grandparents only an hour away then they should be sending her there. If I asked one of my sibs to have may kids and they said no then that would be the end of it. When you have a child and one of you works for emergency services the other one doesn't get a xmas job, it's just mad. My ex and I both had the potential to work xmas day when the sprogs were younger but always managed to arrange it so one of us was there, even if one of us worked early and the other late on the day and we saw little of each other.
I would want to know why the grandparents refused to have her and why SIL doesn't change her xmas day shift to later when her husband is back. They both sound really uncaring. Childcare on xmas day shouldn't involve a 7 hour journey, they haven't thought this through.

Can I ask a few questions please.

If your DBro expects you to cover the transport costs (train and return in petrol) would he not have been better simply asking for the money (as they appear to have done before) therefore allowing the mother to not work on christmas day and be there for her daughter?

Would the child's gifts be sent on ahead for her to recieve (does she believe in santa?) or would you be expected to provide her with these too?

Your bro and sil takes you for granted. I know I could never sit back and see DN have a horrid christmas, but I can't see how a scary journey and not seeing her parents over christmas is in her best interests. Could you ask if they are simply really hard up and can't afford to do christmas lunch, decorate house etc and are trying to do the best for her, and if so, could you and the extended family help out? Im sure most adults would happily go without to see a 10yr old happy :-) x

I'm also a bit surprised at some of the "how selfish to work on Christmas Day" comments if you have a child and how relatively easy some people have made it sound to get the day off. Contrast this to the thread a week or so back when people were getting called selfish - for expecting Christmas Day off just because they have children with a mass outcry off "just because you have children don't expect special treatment, we all have family they we want to spend time with" comments.

I work in the NHS public sector and staff numbers are minimum (due to vacancies not being filled) - caring for people is a 24/7 365 days a week job as people were told on this thread - so getting Christmas Day off is not easy for some.

Regards the OPs situation - on the surface DBro and SIL do come across as a bit odd at least and seem to have expectations that they haven't bothered checking out first. I have no idea if SIL has to work or not - but I would imagine she thinks she has to as I find it really really bizarre that she would choose for her DD not to be at home for Christmas.

tell them its not hard to phone in sick.

tell them its not hard to phone in sick.

You really think that is a reasonable way to behave???

minimiss tell them its not hard to phone in sick.

in the case of the NHS this could mean patients lives are at risk! Never mind the inconvenience to other staff!

I actually feel sorry for anyone genuinely having to phone in sick on Christmas Day as everyone without a shadow of a doubt will imagine they are at it.

It's selfish to deliberately get a "Christmas job" when you know your partner is likely to be working over xmas and you have a child. Also expecting your sister to make a 14 hour round trip and spend fuel transporting your child is selfish, and asking your child what she wants to do before you have clarified the options available with relatives is stupid.
This isn't a "poor" family. One of them has an emergency services job and the other a part time job even without the xmas job malarky.

Is there an update, OP? Have you heard any more from your brother?

TheQueenOfDenial Do you really think it's a good idea for a 10yr old to do a 7hr train journey on her own? Because that's what the OP's DN would have to do, twice, if she was going to the OP's for christmas.

No I don't think it is a good idea at all - but that is quite seperate to whether OP is BU to not give up naked chinese.

duck the mother has taken on an extra shift in a hotel.

Only one of them works for the NHS.

So no patients will be put at risk.
Someone might have to wait a bit longer for their prawn cocktail but thats always a bad thing.