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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to SIL?

182 replies

dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 00:03

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

OP posts:
youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 13:31

Because he works in the emergency services and doesn't really have a choice i would imagine, The mum has taken on casual work in a hotel, she has another job.

QueenOfProcrastination · 17/11/2011 13:51

dunkydunker you mentioned that you have helped SIL out financially. Do you think this is a way of trying to get some more money off you? It seems to make no sense to take on extra work on Christmas Day as you need the money, but spend a significant amount of that money on train fare to send your DD away for three days over Christmas. Perhaps SIL expected you to say no, and thought she could then guilt trip you into sending her money as she's unable to earn extra if she can't do the extra job as you've refused (how very dare you!) to look after her DD. Then again, maybe I'm just an old cynic!

FrozenChocolate · 17/11/2011 13:55

would a 10 year old be allowed to make that train journey unaccompanied?

Catslikehats · 17/11/2011 13:57

And maybe mums job is what will be what keeps a roof over their head in the New Year? Might not be much of a choice for her.

weblette · 17/11/2011 14:05

YANBU

Regardless of whatever you have planned OP, the fact that the parents are seriously contemplating sending a 10 year old child unaccompanied on a long journey at the busiest and most unpredictable time of the year is sheer lunacy when there is a much easier and more practical solution far closer to home.

Whatever the problem is with her family, SIL needs to get over it fast.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2011 14:53

TheQueenOfDenial, it's always possible; but it doesn't explain why she would ask the OP to have her daughter, when the girl's grandparents and cousins will be within an hour's journey of them and would only be gone from them for their shifts rather than the probable FOUR DAYS she'd be away at OP's.

ditzymitzy2 · 17/11/2011 15:04

its not true that emergency services have no choice

you usually take it in turns to have christmas day off, or in these circumstances where the other parent isnt available, I dont know one line manager who wouldnt try and accommodate the situation, or another person on the team who wouldnt swap.

Hmmm maybe neither of them actually wants to spend christmas with the kid and they are both really not working

PigletJohn · 17/11/2011 15:16

Places that have Bank Holiday cover often have people volunteering to work Christmas. Usually if they have no family, or don't like the one they have, or want to make heaps of overtime.

nowadoubledee · 17/11/2011 15:17

now I want a naked Christmas.....

nowadoubledee · 17/11/2011 15:18

you gotta watch mumsnet, it's like v good advertising...i didn't know I wanted a babyliss big curl till I read it on here...now i want a naked Christmas...need to log off before i get anymore ideas

ShoutyHamster · 17/11/2011 15:22

Nudey Big Curl Christmas (NBCC).

OP, more I think about it, the more I realise the most distressing bit of this is the idea that a ten year old can do a train journey like that on her own. She can't. It's really not safe. Not at all.

Good luck with it x

jen127 · 17/11/2011 15:26

YANBU

Why did two parents commit to working Xmas day without either confirming firm arrangements for their DD with each other or family?
It beggers belief why neither of them believe in the importance of spending Xmas day with DD. She will not be small forever.
My husband has to work Xmas day as he works shift. I sometime s also have to cover Xmas day as well. We always agree well in advance what is happening and we never both work the same day. Time with DS (9) is too precious and this may be our last Santa year. :(
My thoughts are they are being quite selfish and as you have been so helpful in the past there is now an expectation. This would explain DSIL's opinion of you being unhelpful.

Regardless of the financial situation childcare should have been worked out prior to the commitment to work and not having presumed that OP would be happy to take DD.
I would stick to my guns and my conscious would be very clear. Have you spoken to Dbro? Amazing how how some parents are able to absolve them selves from the basic parental duties of providing care for their children.

Go get that central heating cranked up. Enjoy the day! SIL should count her blessings for the support you give to them

Catslikehats · 17/11/2011 15:29

whereyouleftit guess we'll never know since the OP seems to have disappeared from the thread Grin but I can imagine myriad reasons: They are not themselves going to be home having accepted an invite for lunch elsewhere; are off on a round the world cruise; are sick of DN being palmed off on them; are abusive; hell maybe DN expressed a preference.

The OP seems nice in so far as she is concerned and she has helped out before, she hasn't said that her bro is an arsehole which combined with the fact that the vast majority of parents want to see their DC over Christmas I suppose I just find it really hard to accept they are trying to get rid of the DN. I know there are always exceptions to the rule but it seems really weird to me.

CheerMum · 17/11/2011 15:31

YA obviously NBU at all

tell your SIL to send her daughter to my house. No chance of a naked christmas here. Dd is also 10 so the two girls can be festive together.

that poor girl.

Catslikehats · 17/11/2011 15:31

Gotta say I know nothing of working at Christmas but I am intrigued by teh number fo people on this thread who have suggested that avoiding Christmas shifts is relatively straight forward yet on a thread eralier this week the majority of posters were proclaiming it impossible (and even if it was possible it was the most selfish thing you could do to let your co workers down at Christmas) .

PigletJohn · 17/11/2011 15:51

Maybe there are (mean) places that don't pay an overtime rate for Bank Hols?
Maybe there are (insane) places that won't allow swaps?
Maybe there are (lucky) places where everybody has a happy family life?

I haven't worked at them.

MrSpoc · 17/11/2011 16:11

So they are strapped for cash so both working Christmas day. I can understand this but what i do not understand is this bit.

Mum works holiday shift in a hotel. It will be minimum pay plus time & half as its Christmas. My be earn £100 at the most including tips (being genrous)

Any one like to guess who much a return 7 hour train ticket will cost?

Parents are just selfish and need to get a grip

jen127 · 17/11/2011 16:19

Here Here MrSpoc

halcyondays · 17/11/2011 16:25

Yanbu. Enjoy your last Christmas as a couple. I wonder why they don't want her to go to sil's family, unless there is a genuine reason why she can't go there?

DurhamDurham · 17/11/2011 16:27

Personally if my DH suggested a naked Christmas I would be finding excuses to invite all my neices over for the day!! I can't think of a worse way to spend an entire day than looking at dh's dangly bits and him copping a feel whilst I'm watching the Queen's Speech!!

Seriously though, although it isn't your problem and you must do as you wish I feel very sorry for this little girl who nobody wants. I think if it's just a Christmas job her mum should not have taken it on, no matter how strapped for cash, if she knew that neither parent would be there on Christmas Day.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 17/11/2011 16:37

YADNBU

But the idea of a last naked Christmas made me smile...my one year old would be absolutely delighted at a naked Christmas! Easy access boobs all day! In fact, I wish I'd thought of it before we invited all DHs family to stay...Grin

SharrieTBGinzatome · 17/11/2011 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ENormaSnob · 17/11/2011 16:55

What is the reasoning behind them wanting dn to come to you instead of sil family?

LydiaWickham · 17/11/2011 17:30

I would assume, thinking about it, that DB and SIL expects the OP to offer to either pay for the train ticket, or as in the past she's driven to get DN, she would (when finding out the plans) say, oh, you can't do that, we'll drive to get her...

CrotchFlakes · 17/11/2011 20:13

Because the SIL is going to have to be earning £££ to pay for a 7 hour cross country rail fare over Christmas