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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to SIL?

182 replies

dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 00:03

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

OP posts:
531800000008 · 15/11/2011 23:10

It's not the child's fault

MrsPennySworth · 15/11/2011 23:16

Has your brother or sil said why they would rather you have her and not her grandparents? It seems strange they would rather pack her off on the train to you than to go to family nearer who she is also close to? Have you asked them if there is a reason they have not asked the grandparents or other closer family first? Seems strange! Confused

ShoutyHamster · 15/11/2011 23:19

I can't believe that so many are still focusing on the OP in this!

So they are so strapped for cash that SIL has taken a second hotel job and has CHOSEN to work Xmas Day. When her partner could be/ is likely to be working too, and thry have a child.

Their solution?

Mum turns down the Xmas Day shift- nope.
Nearby family have the child for Xmas Day, not the end of the world when there's Xmas Eve and Boxing Day for them to celebrate with their DD and make it special for her - nope.

Their choice is to try and guilt their SIL/DSis into hosting their child for the entire holiday - a solution which involves 14 solo hours on a train for their ten year old.

How much do you think a return on the train to a destination 7 hours away costs? Compared to taking her an hour away? About half of what SIL would earn for her Xmas Day shift, maybe? No cheap tickets for those dates. Saving money isn't the driver here at all!

What are their plans for Xmas Eve/Boxing Day/day after then?

They don't want to spend Christmas with their DD, and they're selfish and entitled enough to not only ask this, but to get stroppy when refused.

A bloody hotel shift! So poor that they really need to pay to get their DD 7 hours away by train rather than just an hour down the road.

They want a child-free Xmas just like you, OP, trouble is they already have one. Poor wee girl.

SirBoobAlot · 15/11/2011 23:38

I'm sorry but they have not thought this through. Or if they have, its to get time to themselves. Working or not, putting a child alone on a train for 7 hours, to be away for at least four days, over christmas, is bizzare, and not at all logical. If you lived nearby, I'd say get a grip. But 7hours? I wouldn't want to do a 7hr journey by train, and I am 20!

It sounds like you have done plenty for them in the past. Saying no this time doesn't change all the previous favours you have done.

Yes every child deserves a lovely christmas, but its not as if you have changed your mind on december 24th.

Enjoy your christmas plans, I am rather jealous! ;-)

Bogeyface · 15/11/2011 23:55

I would take her, and probably pick her up too, but I am a soft touch when it comes to children and have been taken advantage of as a result.

So I think that YANBU.

I wonder, along with others, if they have taken liberties once too often with other family members, or if the other family said no to something else and they have called them selfish/unreasonable etc and now you are their only option.

Its mid november, so the mum could easily still turn down the shift, and I say this as someone who seriously considered doing Xmas lunch service this year for triple time for a mate of ours. But I turned it down because it is the only day over Xmas that we will all be together. Yes we need the money, but we need each other more.

And there is no way on Gods green earth that I would put my DD, who will be 10 at Xmas, on a train by herself any day of the year, much less on Xmas eve and for 7 hours. I am appalled that they are even considering it. There are enough weirdos on trains at the best of times, but Xmas eve and it will be packed with pissed arseholes. I get scared of the pissed up idiot on the train, I cant imagine how frightening that would be for a little girl, and thats leaving aside the pervert risk.

I am so Angry that they are considering this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2011 23:57

Your Bro/SIL are complete loons. Surely your SIL's wages for the day - even if it attracts double/triple time - will be wiped out by the cost of train fares? So unless her entire job hangs on her doing the whole of Christmas day, she is creating this scenario for precisely nothing?

If it were me, I'd absolutely have to quiz them further to find out what is going on in their heads. Why subject their daughter to needless exhausting journeys and miss her company for several days, rather than have her spend the days with GPs/cousins and the rest of the holidays with them, HER PARENTS? It just makes no sense at all.

Do not be guilted by anything either of them says to you, OP. You are not the one being selfish and unhelpful here, far from it.

BluddyMoFo · 16/11/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bagelmonkey · 16/11/2011 00:24

OP, regardless of your own plans, the best option for your DN is that you refuse to have her. That way either your SIL will have to give up her shift & she will spend Christmas with her own mother, or DN will spend the day with her local family & at least see something of her parents.

MrBloomsNursery · 16/11/2011 00:39

They're BU for working on Christmas day when they have a child!! How horrible.

Hope she doesn't give you the guilt trip. Her kid. Her responsibility. She's the one who isn't very nice carting her kid off to relatives on christmas day!!

Hope you have a nice day in your birthday suit.

heleninahandcart · 16/11/2011 01:24

SIL should have thought about her DD before she took on Christmas job and assumed someone else would take DD.

More importantly, this is possibly your last chance of total naked abandon without having to go away for it quiet time with your DH for several years.

YANBU

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 16/11/2011 01:41

Tell your SIL she is being absolutely bloody ridiculous agreeing to work in a hotel on Christmas Day when her DH works in the ES and is rostered on and she has a 10 yo child. Tell her she is the selfish one, not you. End of story.

Catslikehats · 16/11/2011 02:59

I find it very difficult to believe that anyone would leave their DD over the Christmas period unless they really needed too.

As Dbro is emergency services it is clear that they aren't simply planning on spending a lovely christmas sans DC so again in the absence of the op telling us that her Dbro is generally a selfish arsehole I am going to conclude that they are in a pretty desperate to even consider this plan - in which case honestly OP I would be doing whatever I could to facilitate my dn having the best christmas possible.

In fact I would be doing this regardless: How horrid for a ten year old to feel so unwanted at Christmas Sad

Op could you not talk to your dbro about this? your sil is clearly upset and perhaps ypu could have a more rational discussion with him? Even if you are minded to refuse their request I think you ought to get to the bottom of how this situation has arisen otherwise it will likely effect your future relationship.

Is it possible that sil has been told that if she doesn't work all day Christmas then there will be no job? I can't imagine how desperate you would have to be to take a job that thatwould necessitate your dc being parent-less on Christmas day but it sounds like they may be in a fair bit of financial trouble. if I was you I would also need to know why you have been chosen above the more local family - there must be something going on there, surely?

When these sorts of scenarios arise I try to consider who is going to come out worse: does your naked christmas mean as much to you as a decent christmas would to your DN. I realise that looking after your neice is not your responsibility but whether her parents are in the midst of some sort of financial disaster or they are selfish bastards it is hardly your dn's fault Sad

iscream · 16/11/2011 03:51

OP, you their last possible resort, so ignore the attempts to guilt you. Your DN can spend Christmas with her grandparents and rest of the family. Why you db & sil had come up with this idea of sending her so far away when others are closer is beyond me.

iscream · 16/11/2011 03:53

That was supposed to say you are not their last possible resort, sorry.

MrsPennySworth · 16/11/2011 08:48

Completely agree with queenofdenial

quackermoomoo · 16/11/2011 09:28

It sounds like you do a lot for them (perhaps to a level over and above what would be expected? ) so maybe they think you would just say yes of course.

But they would put a 10yo on a 14 hr round trip train journey? that sounds ridiculose. Have they said why DN cant go to her GP or other aunts and uncles? If they are having a family christmas - I cant imagine they would say no, unless something has been said or something happened?

So YANBU, they asked you said no (it isn't like you never help them) enjoy your christmas.
But poor girl :(

LadyWord · 16/11/2011 09:54

Having heard all the details I think you need to talk it through with them and try to find out why the nearer family aren't an option. And talk to her about poor DN having to make such a long journey - surely they can't think that's OK?

It sounds as if SIL has come to rely on you and is taking you for granted, and she needs to see you don't just exist to help her out. What if you weren't there? What if you were away on holiday yourselves? She would have to find a solution.

(I like your name quackymoomoo!)

LadyWord · 16/11/2011 09:55

(oops but I just wrote it wrong sorry... still like it!)

CrotchFlakes · 17/11/2011 12:30

I hadn't even considered the cost of train fare vs wages, just how busy the trains will be and how assertive is an unaccompanied 10 year old going to be re asking people to move luggage so she can sit down -even if she has a booked seat someone will sit in it and how is she going to feel asking them to move?

ChristinedePizanne · 17/11/2011 12:45

The DD would have to be away for a minimum of 4 days wouldn't she? How sad that her parents would rather that than just spending the day away from her

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 12:45

Oh i'd have to have her only because her mums a dick for working on Christmas day, who does that if they don't have to. I used to work with a nurse who used to bring her dc to work on the afternoon shift on Christmas day as her DH was police officer and worked too. They didn't mind it too much as they sat in the day room and watched telly and got spoiled by all the other staff but i was still Sad for them.

I've been so sad going off and leaving my dc at Christmas for work but they are generally with DH and a host of Grandparents. I suppose if DH had to work too i would hope that someone in the family would step in and make their Christmas just as special Sad.

ChaoticAngel · 17/11/2011 13:09

YANBU There is family nearer which would mean that your DN could see her parents christmas eve/boxing day. Also at the age of 10 your DN should not have to make a 7 hour train journey, which presumably involves changing, on her own.

KissMyA · 17/11/2011 13:22

Yanbu. I think they just want their own naked Christmas!

Stick to your guns.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/11/2011 13:22

'her mums a dick for working on Christmas day'. Arguably true, but what about her dad? Why does he escape the vitriol? Hmm

ChaoticAngel · 17/11/2011 13:25

LadyClarice normally I'd agree with you but dad works in emergency services.