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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to SIL?

182 replies

dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 00:03

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 11:53

Right in the absence of the OP explaining what it is that her Dbro and sil do I am going to be the lone voice of dissent and say that I think you ABU.

This is a ten year old child we are talking about. Your neice.

I am going to assume because you haven't indicated otherwise that your Dbro is not a complete arsehole and therefore has to work. As in no choice. And that Sil is in the same position. Lots and lots of people are in jobs where there just isn't the option to take AL in December, nevermind over Christmas.

If this is the case I feel desperately sorry for your brother and sister in law. To know that you can't spend Christmas with your DD must be heart breaking. To know that your choice of alternative (or maybe even DD's alternative choice Sad ) doesn't want her must be really shitty.

If it was me I would be having a naked chinese on the 26th or 27th. There is no way I would be content with anyone having a crappy lonely Christmas, much less my 10 year old neice.

zipzap · 15/11/2011 11:57

I reckon they are planning on having their own naked Christmas when they are not working, hence the desire to palm off the dd...

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 12:11

But Queen - if they have DN, they have her from 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th (and probably 27th due to trains stopping over the bank holiday). Her own parents won't see her at all over the Christmas period, a period of time when we're due snow and a 10 year old will be on her own on what on a good day would be a 7 hour train journey, on a bad, snowy day could be a lot longer.

The alternative is DN goes to grandparents or other extended family or a friend's house for just the part of 25th when both parents are working. (assuming she would at least get breakfast or dinner with one of them.)

Why wouldn't her parents want to spend the rest of the time with her? Surely they'll get some family time over that long weekend? I don't know any employers who are making staff work all of 24th, 25th, 26th and 27th.

OP - tell your SIL to do one. If she wants you to do free childcare for 3 weeks in the summer, she better start apologising for being rude.

Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 12:22

lydia it all depends what the dbro and sil do though doesn't it? If they are emergency services then I could well believe that they might be rostered on to do three/four days over the Christmas period.

I am also assuming that there is a good reason why she wont go to the sil's family. I'd be interested to know if she ever spends time with them as that would change the position for me.

The difference between the parents being police/ambulance/fire services and the DN not going to the sil's family due to their being estranged and the parents choosing to cash in on the overtime by working the day shift at the local pub and DN not going to sil's family as a vague preference makes an enormous difference.

Without more details it is impossible to be too judgey about the brother and sil, although regardless I would be horrified at the though of my DN having a miserable Christmas (even if it was the fault of selfish parents) and so would put off a naked chinese to try and make the day better for her.

AurraSing · 15/11/2011 12:23

I wonder if there is a problem with SIL family. I'm sure they would prefer to have dd staying somewhere closer if possible.

I know it spoils your plans, but could you go to see them for Christmas day and then escape boxing day?

Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 12:25

Oh and very Hmm at all the anti SIL comments. None of the venom ever directed at the man is it? Although I assume DN is as much his responsibility as she is sil's.

Same old same old...

Chocolategirl3 · 15/11/2011 12:35

YABVU Both my Sister and her partner work in emergency services, they have been lucky so far that it is only my Sister who has had to miss part of Christmas due to work obligations. In the event that they both ever have to, there would be no shortage of hands to take care of her DD regardless as to how far away we all live.

I would look after her, spoil her and make it a fabulous Christmas, she will after all be disappointed in not being with her parents.

MrsPennySworth · 15/11/2011 12:54

Okay, so I don't think yabu as such, but if this were my niece I would welcome her in to my house at christmas and just put up with it even if I didn't fancy it. Because, tbh, if my 10 year old niece had to be without her parents on Christmas day then I would feel so sorry for her (she is my neice after all!) that I would put her first and try and give her a nice Christmas. The poor girl probably thinks "great, mum and dad have to work and no one wants to have me on Christmas day!"

I can totally understand it being a pain, but I would still do it and make sure that she was made to feel very welcome and not a pain!

Of course, this is assuming entirely that db and sil really really have to work and have absolutely no alternative that would mean one of them could stay at home that day. If the reality was that one of them could actually sort out being at home with their daughter on christmas day then I would probably have a word with them about this as it would make me really cross (on my neices behalf i mean!). Hopefully this little girl won't have a miserable Christmas! :(

duckdodgers · 15/11/2011 13:06

I don't know any employers who are making staff work all of 24th, 25th, 26th and 27th.

Er try the NHS.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/11/2011 13:29

I don't disagree that the DN deserves a nice Christmas, but without details from the OP (come back OP!) we can't be sure that she won't have a nice Christmas with her other, geographically closer family members. And I think it's not just the being asked but the manner in which the OP's declining was met that has got her back up ? it's certainly got my back up, anyway! 'it's very unhelpful', the OP 'should be more willing' etc ? not the way to behave.

thepollydoll · 15/11/2011 13:53

YADNBU

Enjoy your last Christmas together as just a couple as everything will be different in future (wonderfully so, but still different) so yes, I would do the whole naked chinese food christmas alone as a couple.

IMO it is your SIL being unreasonable ... BOTH of them HAVE to work Christmas Day ?? I feel very very sad for your DN. No job is worth leaving a 10-year-old child with others on Chrismas Day FFS.

You don't need to explain yourself to her, she needs to take responsibility for making arrangements for someone to be home for her child.

bagelmonkey · 15/11/2011 13:55

We really need to know where DB & SIL work. It would be very unusual for neither of them to be able to swap a shift so one could be at home. Even if one worked days & the other nights, surely DN would have a better Christmas.

stuffthenonsense · 15/11/2011 14:00

what a horrible situation for everyone concerned.

of course, there is another solution.

how about, SIL provides christmas and all the trimmings, you go there, babysit, do the christmas thing with DN.....everyone feels a little bit better, and hopefully guilt free.

you book into a nice, local hotel (paid for by SIL as payment for childcare and trouble) then spend boxing day naked in a hotel (with room service..so you dont even have to go collect your chinese, wash a dish or anything)

Appuskidu · 15/11/2011 14:19

What a bloody cheek! That's very nice that you've had their child to stay before-what have they done to help you out?

This would be a large favour to ask anyone-I am stunned that she is saying you're being unreasonable for saying no.

I presume them both working at Chrismtas isn't a new situation? What do they normally do with their child?

Bloodymary · 15/11/2011 14:31

Nobody in their right mind would put a 10 year old on a 7 hour train journey.

wildfig · 15/11/2011 14:54

DBro and DSIL are Santa and Mrs Claus, hence lack of annual leave on Christmas Day.

That, or, 'unwanted 10-year-old sent 7 hours away to stay with uncle and aunt over Christmas Day' is the start of an E Nesbit story.

Original poster
dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 22:20

I wasn't going to post as I have only just got in from work but well thought I should.

DBro works for emergency services and so is hasn't really had a say in working or not.
SIL is working all day in a hotel she has got a christmas job on the side of her usual very part-time job. So i guess she could have either said no she can't or had just done breakfast, or lunch serving or tea serving? a whole day? there must be 18 yo students willing to do that (I know I did) so she could have part of xmas day off?

They are very hard strapped money wise at the moment (hence us helping them out with house desposit and taking DN for 2 weeks for the last few summers - and taking her on holiday with us and she is down to come stay with us at easter as well)

SIL gets on well with her parents and especially her sister (who has a 8 and 6 yo as well) and elder brother. DN also spends a lot of time at her GP though the day.

I know she is my neice and I do wish her christmas to be wonderful but surely she can do this at her GP and other Aunt and Uncles and with her cousins? Which is closer and then BroandSIl wouldn't have to pay for a train fare here and back?
And I suppose this might seem selfish - I do a lot for DN and my Bro and SIL (looking after DN, helping out money wise) I yet SIL is saying I'm being unhelpful.

OP posts:
SchrodingersMew · 15/11/2011 22:24

Finally It's not a normal hospital ward... Can't really say more than that. But yes, she did. Confused

I have been away thinking about this and I actually feel awful for the little girl.

No one seems to want her on Xmas. :(

troisgarcons · 15/11/2011 22:26

YABU .... lets hope your child when it comes never has to spend a christmas with neither parent .... and all its family not giving a flying feck.

Y A B V V V V U.

Appuskidu · 15/11/2011 22:35

Well, I don't think you are being unreasonable!

531800000008 · 15/11/2011 22:36

I would have the child to stay

she might well have asked to come to yours in pref to other family

gwan, ask yourself : what would Jesus do (tis Christmas after all, non?)

OhDoAdmit · 15/11/2011 22:39

But its not the best solution is it?
If that kid goes to spend Christmas with the OP she will be on a train alone (at 10!) for hours on Christmas eve, spend Christmas in an unChristmassy house and have to wait till public transport is up and running again before another lone train journey.

How can that be a practical solution? The parents are unlikely to be working all christmas day. Even when DH was a paramedic he had some part of the day at home and the mother works in a hotel.

It seems a sledghammer to crack a nut! Surely spending a few hours at closer family and the rest of the time at home with parents is better?

How is the parents inability to come up with a sensible solution the OP's fault?

This isnt the Little Match Girl. Its two parents who didnt get themselves organised in time and are now trying to guilt someone else into sorting it out.

fivegomadindorset · 15/11/2011 22:42

Maybe your Db and sil asked your FB where she would like to spend Christmas and she said you.

Appuskidu · 15/11/2011 22:48

This isnt the Little Match Girl. Its two parents who didnt get themselves organised in time and are now trying to guilt someone else into sorting it out.

Absolutely; this is what I wanted to say but you said it so much better!

The parents have both accepted that they'll be available to work on Christmas day without actually being available. Now they are blaming someone else for not wanting to cancel their own plans! Surely you should sort out the childcare in advance? I know that's not always possible, but you don't then go around having a go at family members just because you've screwed up.

What on earth does the poor child feel about her parents both working-it sounds like they don't give a toss about her? I'd want to wake up in my own bedroom if I were her. There is also no way I'd want my ten year old on a train alone for 7 hours-that's a long way-it must be from one end of the country to the other? Surely there are station changes, too-my ten year old wouldn't cope well with that.

blackeyedsusan · 15/11/2011 23:00

for goodness sake, 7 hours on a train unaccompanied, there and back is not goign to make a good christmass for dn. perhaps sil has been taking liberties ith other family members and they have refused. I would refuse on the grounds of it not being good for dn to do the journey.

do they have her at half terms or do you get to do that too?