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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to SIL?

182 replies

dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 00:03

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

OP posts:
AKMD · 17/11/2011 20:21

YANBU, your DN can stay with other relatives who are much closer to you. What would happen if it snowed and the train was stuck with her on her own? :( Awful.

AKMD · 17/11/2011 20:34

Y'know, it is alright to say no sometimes just because you don't want to do something. You don't have to have loads of really good reasons when someone is asking you a favour you're saying no. As parents, you and your DH will spend the rest of your lives giving of yourselves to your DC. You are allowed something just for you before that happens and it would be selfish and unreasonable of your ILs to take that away from you. Your DN has other much loved relatives that she can go to, where there will be cousins near her own age that she will have lots of fun with. There is no reason for you to have her.

Kewcumber · 17/11/2011 20:37

the trai journey is a red herring -once you have agreed the SIL/BIL will announce that the trains are too expensive infrequent and could you possibly come and pick her up/drop her off.

madam52 · 17/11/2011 20:43

I really hate this when people are fine with you until you say that awful shock horror word no. It is emotional blackmail of the worst order. My ex m-i-l was like this - always 'borrowing' (use the term loosely as it implies paying back usually [sceptical] money, umbrellas, hairdryer, vacuum cleaner (on grounds mine was better than hers and she wanted to give her lounge a 'good do') and asking us to babysit for my young s-i-ls etc etc. One day l'd had enough - spent a whole day making do without several things which you've guessed it - were all at m-i-ls house and then she asked for some money to go to the pub buy food for the kids. I very politely said 'no' and World War III broke out. Oh yes I was worlds best D-i-l till l said no.

Oakmaiden · 17/11/2011 20:44

I haven't read the entire thread yet (but I will!) but wanted to say - /I wonder if the SIL asked her daughter what she wanted to do for Christmas, since her parents were working, and the niece said that she would like to visit the OP.

That would explain why the SIL was fairly insistant - because she wanted her daughter to be able to do what she really wanted since she couldn't stay home.

However, it is your decision to make, OP. I would feel sad for her though (and actually had a fairly similar situation myself on our last ChildFree Christmas where we ended up having BIL coming for lunch as he phoned in the morning and told us he was on his own for the day).

Hulababy · 17/11/2011 21:04

Are they really having such a financially difficult time to make it necessary for the mum to have to work on Christmas Day and leave her 10y DD without either parent on Christmas Day? TBH I would have to be on my knees before I would even comtemplate it.

How much will she earn from this shift? Enough to cover all the expenses or seding their DD away?

I am focusing on the mum as the dad works in the emergency services and had much less say, and the mum's job appears to be the new thing and just a temp one anyway.

YANBU for wanting your own christmas, on your own in your own way.

But I know that I'd say yes - just to make that little girl have a good Christmas with someone who wanted her to enjoy it.

I have a 9y DD and there is no way I would comtemplate either
(a) shipping her off to the other end of the country over the Christmas period, or (b) put her on a 7 hour journey on her own, especially twice within days.

I feel so sad for this little girl, not a very magical Christmas for her is it?

Appuskidu · 17/11/2011 21:35

*I haven't read the entire thread yet (but I will!) but wanted to say - /I wonder if the SIL asked her daughter what she wanted to do for Christmas, since her parents were working, and the niece said that she would like to visit the OP.

That would explain why the SIL was fairly insistant - because she wanted her daughter to be able to do what she really wanted since she couldn't stay home.*

If that's the case; it's extemely unfair and rather silly of the OP's SIL. You can't go around offering choices like that (without first checking it's even a possibility) which leave it up to the OP to be the one to say no and crush the girl's hopes.

Where are you OP? I want to know if the parents realise that a 7 hour train fair will cost a fortune?!

nursenic · 17/11/2011 21:38

Just say " well okay but we'll both be naked. You're all cool with that, I hope?"

MirandaGoshawk · 17/11/2011 22:11

Friend up the road's DD spends alternate Christmasses with her best friend & loves it. Can DN go to a (nearby) friend's? Presumably that way it would only be for a shift (eight hours) rather than a humungous 2/3 day jaunt.

Oh, and YANBU.

beepbeep · 17/11/2011 22:11

I work for the emergency services and we have no choice if we work christmas or not, a limited number of places are up for grabs for annual leave but after that if I shift falls then then that's that, some years it falls on christmas & new year, sometimes just one, sometimes both. We are now being told as it's a weekend it is not a bank holiday, but a public holiday so they may not pay us any extra. Reality of working for the emergency services, particularly those with set shift patterns.

by the way i don't think yabu!

runningwilde · 17/11/2011 23:10

Yanbu at all. Please do not feel
Guilty. She is so out of order trying to make you feel bad. Don't let her. Please enjoy your naked Xmas!

Original poster
dunkydunker · 18/11/2011 00:56

I did think about if they had asked DN where she wanted to go - but if they did that was extra harsh on DN to give her an open choice before checking with us if she could come it is also more unfair on us as it assumes we would be open to have DN for all those days.

Well I spoke to DBro (not SIL) and explained why me and DH wanted this chrismas just to be us. From what he said I don't think he expected us to say no and the rest.
I asked about SIL family, He just said just that it would be nice for DN to spend xas with me as we dont see each other a lot
Asked about train fare and he was just silent when I asked about cost. So I don't kno about that

But we are sticking t it - saying no.

Thanks

OP posts:
MollyMurphy · 18/11/2011 02:09

Well, I get what your saying OP....but I would take her. I would do so because it's Christmas and she is family and nobody seems to have made good provisions for her to enjoy what is a very special day for children in particular.

LydiaWickham · 18/11/2011 07:13

Yep, he expected you to get her/drop her back. What's happened here is you've helped them so much in the past, they've made their plans assuming you'll help again without considering that you'd be doing them a favour and it's not something you have to do.

In the long run, this will pay dividends because when you do help out (with money, free holiday care for DN etc) they will realise you don't have to say yes - you could say no and this is you doing a kind thing, not just doing your duty.

shesparkles · 18/11/2011 07:20

ditzy ^its not true that emergency services have no choice

you usually take it in turns to have christmas day off, or in these circumstances where the other parent isnt available, I dont know one line manager who wouldnt try and accommodate the situation, or another person on the team who wouldnt swap. ^

I work for the emergency services, and I'm afraid what you say is no longer true of my workplace...we've lost staff due to cost cutting and now our team is so tight that we all have to work, no choice in the matter these days

OhDoAdmit · 18/11/2011 08:52

My OH worked every Christmas for many years when he was a paramedic. But the mother in this case is not an emergency worker.

They are dumping their child. THEY are the ones who should be feeling guilty and if the OP says yes this time they will do bugger all to accomodate their DD next year or at any other time.

People like this depend on other people feeling bad to get their own way.

FFS they are expected the OP to do a 14 hour round trip on Christmas eve! Plus arrange a child's christmas when they dont have any DCs themselves. Then they will have to get the child back home at some unspecified point. Whilst the parents earn a bit of extra cash and have a bit of their own naked fun.

Whilst it is sad for the DD how much sadder will it be if this goes on every year?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 18/11/2011 10:54

They sound like piss takers.

I am very skint too but no money would make it worth while to me to send my child on a train for 7 hours alone! That's so dangerous!

ChristinedePizanne · 18/11/2011 11:08

I suspect they either were hoping you would go and collect and bring her back (how long would that take??) or pay for the train fare, given that you've helped them out financially so much.

ShoutyHamster · 18/11/2011 11:22

Ahhh right.

They expected you to drive for seven hours each way, or to pay for the train.

Without asking first, or even having good grace when you politely said that that wouldn't work.

OP, they're a pair of pisstakers. I'd advise standing back from them, as sadly they seem the type to see someone helping them out and instead of feeling grateful and happy, they become lazy, entitled and selfish. Put some distance or you'll spend your lives bailing them out.

Did you ask why they wouldn't want to have her as close as possible so that they could spend at least some of the holiday with their child, OP?

Poor kid.

TheSecondComing · 18/11/2011 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmit · 18/11/2011 13:17

My wish to do an extra shift at a hotel would come way below 'poor kid on Xmas day'

My wish to shove my young child on a crowded train on Christmas eve, my wish to leave her with relatives when there are other options etc etc

This child is not the OP's responsibility.

Catslikehats · 18/11/2011 17:24

"the child is not the OP's responsibility"

What a fucked up mean attitude towards a child at Christmas.

Some people have no money or homes or loved ones to share Christmas with. This is rarely someone else's "responsibility" but most people do what they can to ease the way for those less fortunate than themselves. Especially when that someone else is a ten year old relative.

Had the girl got no mother no would would be saying "oh she's not your responsibility" and the fact that she has got a mother who either can't or won't be there hardly makes the situation different for the child. It is certainly not her fault if her parents are to selfish to make proper arrangements.

This thread has actually made me feel really sad for that little girl.

PigletJohn · 18/11/2011 17:35

you're right, the OP has a duty to ask SS for a list of neglected children, and go round collecting them into her home to look after.

halcyondays · 18/11/2011 17:39

Well, maybe you can offer to take this child in for Christmas, Queen. Op has helped them a lot in the past, but they shouldn't assume that she will always be available to provide childcare, they are clearly taking her for granted. I'm sure they will have to make many sacrifices over the coming years once they have their own child, so why shouldn't they be able to enjoy a last relaxing Christmas together as a couple. They could send the child to the sil's nearby family but choose not to.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 18/11/2011 17:46

The child has an entire extended family living in the same town who could have her for Christmas Day. It's not as though the OP is her only relative, or her closest relative, or the relative it's easiest to get to.

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