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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to SIL?

182 replies

dunkydunker · 15/11/2011 00:03

I'm due in Feb and so this christmas is the last chistmas we will have without children.
We usually alternate between families and therefore countries

Except this year we are staying put and locking ourselves away and doing the xmas we use to have when we first got together.

My DBro and SIL are both working xmas day and have a 10 yo DD.

For whatever reason they don't want her at SILs family (who live in a hour radius of them). and it is only me and DBro left really.

It isn't like they live down the road but they live 7 hrs away.

SIL asked if DN could spend christmas with us

I said that normally we would have said yes but that this year we are just staying in and not doing very christmassy things (no tree, just piles of tinsel) Chinese for food tea and (didn't tell her this one: being naked all day - that is DHs wish anyway) as it was our last christmas to do exactly how we like.

Aparrently this isn't nice and 'why can't we have DN?' and it is very very unhelpful and we should be more willing to help them out.
I said again that we would normally but this time we would have to say no, sorry it isn't possible this time.

We do help them out and we have many times - over summer holidays, with their house.

are we being really unreasonable by not having DN over Christmas just because it doesn't it with what we want?

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 15/11/2011 07:06

YANBU at all. Their child, their jobs, all ultimately their choice and their problem to sort out. I'd feel sorry for DN for sure but up to you what you do for this Christmas (which sounds fab by the way). Especially as you help so much the rest of the time, although ironically its probably this willingness to help that has put you at the top of the list of people they are asking!

Another one here who thinks they are trying to engineer a Chirstmas alone themseves - sneaky gits!

Stick to your guns. They have other options, and even if they didn't DN is THEIR child, not yours. They should be able to sort out opposite shifts in this situation if they really try

Tw1nkle · 15/11/2011 07:22

Poor kiddy - but you shouldn't feel bad.

I think too many people are 'expected' to do things on christmas day, and so many feel under presuure to please others.

It's christmas - do what you want!!!

diddl · 15/11/2011 07:31

Will your brother have her?

If not & they don´t want her at SILs family, I´d probably be saying yes tbh.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 15/11/2011 07:45

Why on earth are these parents doing this? Do they have major finincial problems? I still can't imagine a situation where DH and I could contemplate both working Christmas day now we have DC's. Either they have major financial issues, and the extra money in Jan will help them out of a big problem, or they are just selfish. Poor girl.Sad

Shakirasma · 15/11/2011 07:51

Oh that poor girl! How awful for her. She is 10 yo and will be aware that her parents are having trouble palming her off.
Why on earth won't they send her to local family? Why does have to be relatives so far away that she won't see her own parents over the Christmas period? And what jobs do they do that mean neither of them can wangle some time off over Christmas?
She must feel so unwanted. I think I would end up having her in order to protect her feelings.
However YANBU, her parents most certainly are.

Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 07:54

I'm assuming the parents don't have any choice in both having to work (emergency services medics etc) and if that is the case whether or no YABU I really feel for them and their DD Sad

OP what do your db and sil in do?

Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 07:57

paranoid have you missed the three billion AIBU for not wanting to work christmas day threads that come up every year?

Fortunately I have never been in the position of having to work but I've learnt two things from those threads:

i) many many people get no choice in whether they work over christmas

ii) those that try and "get out" of working are generally condemned by their colleagues and MN alike for being horribly selfish individuals who refuse to pull their own weight.

Seems you can't win.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 15/11/2011 08:24

I must have, seems a sorry state of affairs nowdays if employers don't or won't realise that one parent needs to be home. it's not like childcare is readily available at Christmas.

vixsatis · 15/11/2011 08:28

YABU, selfish and unkind. Whatever the faults of her parents and their employers you could make the difference between this child having a nice Christmas and a horrible one. You can have a naked Chinese any day.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/11/2011 08:32

YANBU. I really feel for the poor girl, but SIL can fuck off. Ignore guilt trips. And ignore vixsatis; she's not your child or your responsibility. And a 7-hour train ride to stay with you, then a 7-hour train ride home, does not make for a nice Christmas for a ten-year-old.

Catslikehats · 15/11/2011 08:33

Anyone else really really^ need OP to come back and say what her brother and sil do?

Only then can I proclaim them poor put upon public servants working for the greater good of us, or utterly selfish wankers who should be ashamed of themselves Grin

GoForthAndSwivel · 15/11/2011 08:40

She has got other family that can have her, I do feel sorry for the poor girl. It's your Christmas, enjoy it how you want.

allhailtheaubergine · 15/11/2011 08:45

Roffle @ naked Christmas.

At least you won't forget to take the giblets out.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 15/11/2011 08:50

Sorry completely distracted by SchrodingersMew - your SIL wanted to take a new baby to hospital ?!? Shock

Is she mad?

Does she have any idea how germ ridden they are?

Does she realise any ward sister with common sense would have sent them away?

Oh yes op, YANBU enjoy nekkid Xmas !

ElizabethDarcy · 15/11/2011 08:52

It's very easy for people to assume that people without kids are at a loose end at Christmas (we have this happen to us), so we are 'volunteered' for all kinds of things. We have volunteered ourselves at the soup kitchen this year, so that put a stop to anyone else popping us on some church rota. But honestly, a quiet time, just the two of you, how lovely :)

Having a child/visiting family at Christmas is lovely (I have up to 10 relatives staying with us at times over Christmas - for the month - as they come from overseas), but does take a lot of extra care, expense, food etc. as you want it to be a fun and enjoyable Christmas. You and your DH will no doubt do without the crackers et al (less expense), as it's only the two of you, and it's unfair of the SIL to not fully think it through. It's not just another day, it's CHRISTMAS.

They cannot lump the need for your DN to have a lovely Christmas, on you!

Enjoy your nekkid Christmas :)

Overcooked · 15/11/2011 09:00

YANBU - your SIL is, but I'm afraid that I would feel so bad for the poor child that I would definitely do it. It is bad enough having one parent working over xmas, as I often did, but both and then having to be palmed off on someone else would have ruined it.

Maybe IABU but I think you should think about how your DN will feel rather than being annoyed with your SIL.

Pozzled · 15/11/2011 10:09

I think it partly depends on their other childcare options. You say that SIL's family live less than an hour away and yet they would prefer to send her 7 hours on a train? They must have some very serious objection to SIL's family to even be considering this, surely?

I think I would do it if they really didn't have any other option, but it doesn't sound like a good solution for anyone. What hours are they working? Does their DD have a close friend whose family would be willing to have her for the day? That way she could still be with her paents for most of the Christmas period.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 15/11/2011 10:11

"Why don't DBro and SIL have their own child on christmas day?"

Probably because most people on here roundly agreed that having children doesn't entitle you to christmas day off work? Just a thought.

ShoutyHamster · 15/11/2011 10:11

Overcooked but to me it sounds as if putting the DN first would involve refusing to have her!

I can't believe that the focus of the conversation between OP and her SIL was the fact that OP wouldn't agree to babysit for the entire Christmas period, and how unfair that was!

If it were me, I'm afraid the focus of the conversation would have been rather different!

'Hang on SIL, are you seriously saying that because you and DBro are working through the day on the 25th , you want your DD's Christmas to consist of spending 7 hours on a train, then being away from home and not seeing either of you for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc., then spending another 7 hours on the train to get back? You would rather she have that experience than spend c. 10 hours on the 25th with your extended family? You could do Christmas Day as a family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, but you would rather she miss out altogether on Christmas with her parents? She is TEN! What the hell are you thinking? You're calling ME selfish - have you lost your mind? Why don't you want to celebrate Christmas with your daughter?!'

Sounds to me like yes, she and your DBro want her out of the way. At ten. There's no other explanation - if they wanted to spend Christmas with her, opening her presents etc., they could, and any normal parent would be moving heaven and earth to have that happen - they aren't - there is a problem here, but it certainly isn't you and your refusal to completely reorganise your Christmas to accommodate their child.

I'd point out all the above when/if she calls back to nag you again, and make it clear that you're astounded at their lack of concern for how their DD will spend the holiday. Really, really sad. And tell her in no uncertain terms that the selfish uncaring unhelpful one appears to be HER.

NB: All this assumes of course that there isn't a very real problem with the extended family. I assume not from your OP.

porcamiseria · 15/11/2011 10:24

I think my compasson for niece would be greater than my wish for a "last xmas day" together to be honest

so I would be the bigger person and this is about your blood relative and a child here

i am aghast that veryone is saying YANBU. It not about feeding a cat, or making a cake! Its about a child veing on their own on xmas day FFS!

that said, can one of them not have day off? what is their job????

PorkChopSter · 15/11/2011 10:27

What the Hamster said.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 15/11/2011 10:44

Anyone else think OP may be the SIL, hence her silence?

LizzieMo · 15/11/2011 10:49

Would they really put a ten year old onto a train unaccompanied, for a long long journey??? I would not be happy with that for starters.

whackamole · 15/11/2011 11:05

YANBU. And why are there so many posters who have conveniently not read the part about there being a local alternative - the SIL family!

I think it is ridiculous they have not made provisions for one of them to be off on Xmas day - I use my holiday allowance to ensure I have those days off, as does OH (although he can only do it every other year). Also, surely the cost of train tickets or whatever would totally wipe out what they earn on the day?

MorelliOrRanger · 15/11/2011 11:27

I agree with what ShoutyHamster said as well.

Tis sad, and by the way YANBU