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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be obsessing about a third child?

198 replies

boyfallingoutofthesky · 14/11/2011 15:37

I have two perfect children, boy and girl, aged 3 and 1 and have just gone back to work after maternity leave which, contrary to expectation I am quite enjoying. However I have found myself becoming ridiculously broody (have never been a broody person before!) to the point where I am already plotting when I can next get pregnant even though my partner (pragmatic person) is being pretty firm that he only wants two and does not think we could afford three (we could but not if we send them to private school which he wants to do - an entire other thread!)

I think fundamentally a part of me is very sad about the prospect of never being pregnant again, and in addition I have always thought 3 children would be nice so feel a bit incomplete then feel guilty as I should just be happy with what we have. My question is are these feelings normal? If I had a third would I want a 4th?? I am 34 so probably have some time, but I guess every pregnancy has a risk and we should just be content to have 2 healthy children and not push our luck. Has anyone else had a similar experience and did it lead to another little bundle or did the feelings eventually go away?

OP posts:
SeymoreButts · 16/11/2011 00:01

With hindsight a lot of my broodiness was sadness about never having the excitement of a BFP again, never carrying a baby again, or going through birth and the newborn phase. I wanted to recreate that excitement and the happiness I felt, but in reality I didn't want another child.

PinkPoncho · 16/11/2011 00:37

Yes I feel the same Seymore. I have two ds the same age as you, whenever i think of another i think how it would be, practically, right now, with a wriggly into everything baby..and know my hands are full. I like to think too of all the things I'll be able to do with my two which have been a struggle in the baby toddler times, like sit and read with them, being able to relate to them more rather than being 'demanded' as with a baby.. they're not babies for long really are they? It felt like ds2 was almost like a feisty 'toddler' from about 6 months, as soon as he stated to get mobile and follow his brother. I've been constantly on the go with him and it's a relief to be able to sit back a bit and start to watch them play and develop their relationship.

PinkPoncho · 16/11/2011 00:39

Although, contrarily, my DP (soon to be DH) wants more..he keeps saying it's up to me but then starts getting all wistful about another baby how much fun they are etc. And bringing it up a lot, especially after a wee drink, hmm.

pommedechocolat · 16/11/2011 08:52

Apologies for slight hijack but did anyone feel broody for the third whilst pg with the second? I have always thought I wanted three but halfway through second pg I am so fed up with all the meds I have to take and being so fat and frumpy that I am thinking this will be the last one.

Will I forget these feelings and become broody again when dc2 is a toddler?!

juneau · 16/11/2011 09:05

Seymore - I really hope that's how I feel in the future. I've had this weird desire for a third since DS2 was born, but for me it's about having another gorgeous, squidgy baby, not another child who throws tantrums, needs to be potty trained, talks me to death and then grows into a sulky teenager. I really want to be feel 'I'm done' with my two and I'm really surprised that I don't yet feel like that!

anniemac · 16/11/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nettee · 16/11/2011 11:03

I am pregnant with number three after a 4 1/2 year gap (oldest will be 7). Hummed and haa'd about it for years but both broody enough and didn't have a good enough reason not to go ahead. All the practical arguments against seem trivial compared to a whole new person in the family. I have an age cut off in mind of 35 and so at 33 and a half we went for it and this baby will sneak in 6 moths before 35. I do feel that three is a tricky number and did hold out hopes for twins - really doubt we will go for four now though but a bit worried that the youngest will be left out a bit and the older two will be held back in what they want to be doing. They are really excited though so hoping as the years go by for a happy little gang of three. Also can't wait for the smily baby stage again, the second half of pregnancy (just got there thank goodness) and breastfeeding, first words etc etc and sharing all this with ds and dd this time who will be old enough to hopefully enjoy it too.

MistyB · 16/11/2011 12:14

Ooh. Netted, you have made me feel a pang of regret that my youngest will never experience that rush of pure love that flooded over the entire household when DC3 was born! But there would always be a youngest that missed out on that and in fact I suspect he would not be bothered!!

WomanwiththeYellowHat · 16/11/2011 13:12

I have 2 DDs and was sure I would want a third (even asking the surgeon straight after my 2nd c section if I would be OK to have another one), and did up until last summer (DD2 is now just 3).

We even bought a bigger house for an extra bedroom and my DH is definietly keen (he is one of 5) BUT that said, over the summer, I realised how much of myself my two gorgeous girls were going to need as they grow, and I just don;t think I want to spread myself any thinner now.

I am a very practical person and am very committed to private secondary education, which is another consideration, but the main thing is that there are so many things i want to show the girls and to do with them, which I know we couldn't afford to do, or even cope with, if there was a baby with us too. It is sad not to know we will have another 'baby' to hold again, but I think in some ways, for us, the better choice for our family is to stay and grow as we are.

Thinkingof4 · 16/11/2011 13:19

Trinaluciusmalfoy
I totally understand where you are coming from. My DH is 10 years older than me and is using this as his main reason for not having another- it's the first time the age difference has ever been an issue Sad

We have 3 boys and I would like another as I think with 3 there will always be one left out (esp as they are all same gender)
If he had ever said he didn't want babies beyond x age then we could have started sooner/ closer together

He has at least agreed that we can discuss it again after Christmas when baby is a bit bigger/ more settled.

Incidentally for those who think it's purely selfish to have more kids I disagree. I am one of 5 and have drawn strength and happiness from my siblings for my whole life. Siblings are an amazing gift and I am really lucky to have grown up in my happy family.
I just want to try to give my boys something similar

MerryMarigold · 16/11/2011 13:30

Thinking of 4, I don't think it's selfish to have more kids. I think the reasons people are giving are selfish. Your reasons are not selfish, unless they start over-riding your husband's perfectly valid reasons too.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 13:37

Pommede, I am! I'm 39 weeks with DC2 and grumpy and I hate being this pregnant and handling toddler antics and the whole pregnancy has been harder than the first. But I talk about the next child as if it's a done deal (it is not) to the point where I am justifying various purchases on that basis. And yes, feeling broody, looking forward to this newborn and wondering who s/he'll turn out to be, and how s/he will find it when #3 comes along, and I need to get a grip.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 13:38

(And actually I'd rather like four, but I bet I couldn't convince DH of more than three, so twins the third pregnancy would be good)

Thinkingof4 · 16/11/2011 13:48

Merrymarigold fair enough I take your point.Smile I certainly wouldn't do it unless DH was in absolute agreement as that would definitely be a mistake.

pommedechocolat · 16/11/2011 13:49

Tortoise - My dh is pretty much set on two so I was hoping for twins this pg! I am reasonably convinced that in time he would give in to me come round to three if it was so important to me but for the first time since ttc dd1 I have lost all interest in ever doing this pg lark again!

soverylucky · 16/11/2011 14:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pommedechocolat · 16/11/2011 14:11

sovery - minus the growing up in a big family bit (he's one of 2) you sound just like my dh! I think the answer is probably in hoping that the children give each other something very special.

anniemac · 16/11/2011 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 16/11/2011 14:12

I agree soverylucky, but I am from a family of 2. I see how much support my parents (still) give me and my sister, be that financial, practical, emotional and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of my 3 (twins - no choice in that) let alone any more. But maybe some people are more capable than others...

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 14:20

Pomme, I have to admit that I have spent a large proportion of this pregnancy muttering 'next time YOU can be the knocked up one' at my DH. But at 39 weeks I am hormonal and quite mad coming around to thinking that even the pregnancy part is quite nice. Well, as long as it eventually ENDS, dammit.

eshermum101 · 16/11/2011 14:22

I thought about a third constantly from the moment I gave birth to DS2......there wasn't a day that it didn't cross my mind. Dh wasn't keen for financial reasons and also as both previous births had been difficult.....we argued for a year and in a moment of weakness he agreed, and by the time he had changed his mind again it was too late!!! Dd1 (my third) is now 18 months and the apple of daddy's eye.....absolutely no regrets from either myself or dh.... I am no longer broody now - in fact, I couldn't wait to give away all my maternity stuff. My family feels complete - I honestly think you know when you're done....

anniemac · 16/11/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Familydilemma · 16/11/2011 14:29

Despite all the sensible financial considerations out family has never been better since dd2 was on the way/born. Luckily dh and I now don't need the awkward philosophical debate about private education-he's anti and it was my idea (that he supports) to effectively do away with the means to provide it!

willowstar · 16/11/2011 16:03

I have just read every single post on this thread because I am wondering the same. When I first met my husband he wanted a big family, I wanted 2. I had my daughter then suddenly realised the absolute joy of having a whole new person and realised that I would probably want more than 2. I am 30 weeks pregnant, my little girl will be 2yr4m when this one arrives...and I am feeling really torn. I hate being pregnant, I just hate it. I have terrible pain across my upper abdomen and back that the Dr/Midwives/Physio can't diagnose, it is debilitating and I have really struggled to look after my toddler while in so much pain. A big part of me thinks I can't do this again, it isn't just me, I know that I am being a pretty rubbish mum, I am just so sore. But I do want another baby. I will be almost 38 when this one arrives so not a whole lot of time to decide.

I am going to make a decision when this next one is 1 yr old.

Thinkingof4 · 16/11/2011 16:04

I dont ever remember feeling that I had no time alone with my parents, we probably just had less than children with only one sibling. It never felt like I was missing out as we just had so much fun. Holidays were always brilliant though we never went far. In fact my mum used to take us all away for a week and leave dad at home to give him a break from the noise- don't know HOW she managed with 5 kids and a dog on her own.

It would be interesting to hear from someone with 3 or 4 teenagers to tell us what that is like!!! Might change a few minds esp those with girls!!