to be obsessing about a third child?

[boyfallingoutofthesky]

I have two perfect children, boy and girl, aged 3 and 1 and have just gone back to work after maternity leave which, contrary to expectation I am quite enjoying. However I have found myself becoming ridiculously broody (have never been a broody person before!) to the point where I am already plotting when I can next get pregnant even though my partner (pragmatic person) is being pretty firm that he only wants two and does not think we could afford three (we could but not if we send them to private school which he wants to do - an entire other thread!)

I think fundamentally a part of me is very sad about the prospect of never being pregnant again, and in addition I have always thought 3 children would be nice so feel a bit incomplete then feel guilty as I should just be happy with what we have. My question is are these feelings normal? If I had a third would I want a 4th?? I am 34 so probably have some time, but I guess every pregnancy has a risk and we should just be content to have 2 healthy children and not push our luck. Has anyone else had a similar experience and did it lead to another little bundle or did the feelings eventually go away?

I sort of feel the same. I have 2 kids, DD (just turned 2) and DS (12 weeks). My heart wants a third, but my head knows that 2 is quite enough hard work! As it turns out, there won't be a third. I feel lucky to have my 2 lovely, healthy children, to have got pregnant without difficulty (despite having been told in the past that this wouldn't be possible), and not to have had any miscarriages, so am trying to focus on enjoying my kids before they grow up rather than wishing for more. It is sometimes sad to think that I won't be enjoying the huge adventure of pregnancy and a new baby arriving, though ...

I have 3 - first 2 are girl then boy, who were 5.5 and 3.5 when the baby was born, and when I mentioned to people I was pregnant again several assumed it must be an accident because I already had one of each! As it was DH took some persuading, if he had been keen on a 3rd from the start the age gap from 2 to 3 would have been smaller. DH and I did agree on 2 initially before we got married but once DS was a child not a baby I still so wanted another... If I could I'd have 1 more relatively soon, to give 2 sets of 2 if that makes sense, but not only does DH really not want more, but also DS2 was my 3rd c-section and the surgeon said literally immediately after sewing me up that another would be dangerous, so it would be foolish to risk it given the 3 lovely kids I have - wouldn't want to leave them motherless in order to give them another sibling!

I do know a lady whose DH persuaded her to have baby 3, when she was more inclined to stick with the 2 she had and go back to work - she had twins :) When she found out it was twins at her first scan she was one of the least pleased to be pregnant married, financially secure with supportive husband... pregnant ladies I have ever talked to! Of course she wouldn't change it now, but you never know :) Oh any my no 3, lovely as he is, has given up sleeping...

I really feel for you.

i was the same after 2 (I had terrible hyperemmisis) However after 2 years I convince dh to let me have another.We got the most adorable ds after 2 girls. (although I love girls) we were all delighted.

We should of stopped there but I was greedy and could not give up on number 4.It took 3 years of me being very persistant.DH reluctantly gave in.We had dc4 another adorable ds.

I am now complete.I love having 4 but it is very very full on.DH loves all our dc and is a good dad but he is 50 (I am 37) He wishes life wasn't so crazy.

I found 2 to 3 dc very easy. 4 pushed me over the edge slightly

Good luck

I have 2 DS's. DS2 is 12 months and for the first 6 months I kept thinking about a 3rd. It was the hormones! I am 98% sure I am done for SO many reasons, too many to list here! However, at 36, I am pretty sure that as I head closer to 40 I will have mixed feelings, because obviously for a woman you get to the point where you can't physically do it. I am not a broody person though, unlike lots of posters here, and enjoy them more when they get a bit bigger so having a 3rd would be very hard work!

My advice to you OP is to just stop thinking about it for a while. You have plenty of time, and thinking your family is not complete stops you from living in the present. I know it's hard to do, but really, tell yourself you are going to be living in the moment for a while and enjoying what you have, and see how you feel in 6 months time.

I haven't read the whole thread but for me the biological urge to have number three was greater than with number one or two. When number three arrived, I knew we were done!! Three is a whole different story to two and there are decisions that would have different outcomes if we were 4 and not 5 but we have the family that was in my heart. Life finds it's way of finding it's own twists and turning well made plans on their heads and opening new doors. Life with two would have lead us down a very different avenue but we are a happy unit down this one!!

We have 3 dds. For me it was because I just didn't feel 'finished'. I also wanted to interrupt the 2 by 2 dynamic. Many people worry about the middle child getting overlooked, but for mine it has given her something wonderful to have a younger sibling. She can now (occasionally!) be in charge, and be the older sibling. It is louder, more demanding, more complicated and financially challenging, but our lives are so much richer! It might have been mentioned, but do be aware that you could aim for 3 and end up with 4 (twins are marginally more likely as you are older).

FWIW, I AM a much-obsessed about 3rd child. An 8 year obsession.

And my Mum has said on more then one occasion it was the best decision she ever made (although don't tell my Dad - he still thinks to this day I was an accident...)

I had dc1 and immediately thought I wanted 'loads' of dc i.e. 6! After dc2 I knew I wanted more but maybe just 4dc! I had dc3 and knew instantly that I didn't want anymore...thank goodness! So I'm very happy with my 3 and I know I never want anymore.

I have had slight moments of 'or do I', but think that's more hormonal as they pass quickly and if I really think about the reality I know I don't want more.

Oh, OP. I feel exactly the same. It's crept up on me, this broodiness, and has now got so bad that I burst into tears when I read on facebook that my sister-in-law wants a third. How ridiculous. My period was late this month (I'm on the pill so that never happens) and when it arrived, I was gutted.

I can't stop thinking about being pregnant again and find myself thinking 'oh I might be pregnant by then' when we're talking about stuff in the future. I can't throw away any clothes or baby stuff (my youngest is 21 months) because I think we'll use them again. We've got a big enough car and we could fit three children in the house. I've got a rubbish job, but I'm hoping to register as a childminder soon (getting this sorted out while I'm on maternity leave would be ideal!) so childcare wouldn't be an issue.

BUT my husband says he doesn't want another one. I keep trying to change his mind! I'm 38 though, so I feel like my time is running out.

I think mightyfandango has good advice. I also think if your dh is dead against it, you need to wait at least six months and see how you both feel. I know a few dhs railroaded into third children and it hasn't made for a happy outcome.

I think many of us would love to be pregnant again. I think many of us mourn our babies as they grow older. Probably evolution designed it like this because not so long ago there was such high infant mortality. But life does move on and you have to stop somewhere. Good luck whatever happens

DH and I had a child each from previous relationships and definitely wanted one together - then we stressed for ages about whether to go for a second one together (so 4 kids altogether). I really wasn't sure but worried I'd regret it if I didn't go for it and I'm now 7 weeks pg with DC3 for me, DC4 of the family iyswim.

I think maybe the complicated family situation confused my biological urges as nearly everyone I know says they "knew" when it was right to stop. I still don't know whether we've done the right thing, although I know I will love this DC - but I know for sure that it'll be the last too!!

I have 3 and so do most of my friends. I have 2 girls 6 and 4.5 and a boy, 18mths. 3 is 'doable', at times it is a little hard work and I'm sure as they grow older financially it my be a bit of a struggle but it won't last forever - they won't be dependant on you forever. When you grow older you will have 3 beautiful children around you and also more importantly they will all be there for each other through their lives. I am from a family of 5 and love the support.
I had a career which I went back to after each baby, it wasn't difficult trying to juggle everything but I felt I wanted to be at home for the girls while they started their infant years at school. I've started my own Luxury Baby Gift company on line so feel I have the best of both worlds.

There is always a way round a problem, everyone automatically thinks that if you have 2 children everything is affordable and any more will send you bankrupt. Don't regret not having another later in life, not because of finances anyway.

I was really happy with my first 2 - especially as I had 2 DSSs - sold all the baby stuff and started to think about going back to work. Fell pg accidentally with DC3 when DC1 was 2.11 and DC2 1.4 (split condom on Day 6 of a 6 week cycle, didn't seem necessary to get morning after pill!). When I discovered was pg was devastated and considered a termination.

Ex-H left me during the pregnancy, I had AND and anxiety issues in the last few months and dreaded being a lone parent to 3 under 3s.

Then she arrived and I can honestly say that 3 has been the magic number for me. We feel like a family, which me and 2 DC didn't, and I'm really glad that my DC are a strong little unit who look after and out for each other. Very occasionally I feel broody, but it is a fleeting feeling of how nice it would be to snuggle my newborns again rather than a desperate urge to have another child. Financially it's a massive struggle, but I think the support the DC have for each other is worth more to them in the long run than nice holidays and a bedroom of their own.

As another poster said, I don't think you'd regret having another but might regret not doing so.

Want a third!! [Stamps foot] I can hear you themightyfandango but I'm not listening! Your list is almost exactly the same that my dh comes up with but I am still broody...

If it's any consolation BabyGiraffes I didn't listen either.

It's why I have the benefit of hindsight and lack any kind of foresight whatsoever

I think most women go with biological urges until they feel they are 'done' however few or many that may be.

There are a lot of positives for big families but the potential for less choice and flexibilty plus financial strain can be one of the downsides.

Everything in life is a bit of a gamble though [wise emoticon]

As a mother of four, themightyfandango speaks enormous sense. We both thought we weren't finished at 2, had number 3 and definitely did feel finished. And then had a very surprise number 4, which completely screwed me up emotionally for a time- and financially it's been a sacrifice. I have given up my career because at the stage I was at when I had them, the childcare took too much of my salary - we have given up private education as it's just not an option with four, and I am terrified at how we're going to pay for university, driving lessons, cars, deposits for houses etc for them all.

That said, I adore having my team now, and I wouldn't give any of them up for the world, but I wish I'd considered further down the track a bit more!

Every feeling that's been expressed on this thread I've felt at one time or another.

I had my first two very close together, and the second arrived prematurely, so the shock/exhaustion of caring for 2 under 2 convinced me that I was definitely, absolutely, completely, unquestionably finished.

But now my eldest is 5, and DS will be 4 soon. Peace, calm and a degree of independence have returned to my life... and of course I am broody as hell again.

It's not another baby I want - I love babies, but find the baby stage so utterly exhausting and hard - but another little person. It feels so greedy to even think about having another one, but I'm constantly daydreaming about it.

Financially we'd be okay, I think, but it would mean putting my career back on hold, changing around the house, it would mess up holidays and I can't face the thought of another 3 winters of constant colds and illnesses (premature DS had the entire gamut of not-serious-but-still-annoying-childhood-illnesses).

And yet, and yet, and yet...

Hello boyfallingoutofthesky,

I felt exatcly the same as you, ever since I pushed dd2 out I knew I wanted a third.
We started trying when she was 2.5, unfortunately I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer just days before finding out I was pregnant. I could not keep the baby. This devastated me and suffered from depression foe three years after that. Had therapy and antidepressants, but it was very clear to me I would never be fully happy again without another child. It is not that my dds were not enough, What I felt was, they are so gorgeous and I love them so much that I want another like them, iykwim...Dh did not want to, for all the usual reasons, finances, lack of time to devote to all, plus my health.

Eventually convinced dh, 3.5 years post cancer, on the edge of turning 40, I got pregnant again...with TWINS! It was a big shock, as fianncially it will be quite a strain, and physically too, since I am not that young anymore, but would I go back and change things because now I know? Not for anything, it will be really hard, and we'll struggle financially, it's going to be pure chaos inb our home, but I know we'll find a way of make it work, and the dds are so happy and excited that I can't wait to see them with their brother and sister!

Whatever you decide, good luck!

I have 3 now 14, 11 and 8.

My middle child was very tiring as a baby. She didn't sleep well, wouldn't take a bottle etc etc so I never expected to go on to have a third.
My husband wanted a third...I said never!...until I was packing away all the baby paraphernalia and had this overwhelming sense of sadness that there would be no more babies for us. We did wait a little while longer so that there would be a three year age gap and were lucky to get pregnant easily.
She was an easy baby an slotted in well although at the ages they are now I find it more difficult to juggle than when they were little.
I never had the urge to go on and have a fourth!
I think you know when you are done!!

I have 2 dd aged 9 and 3 years, have just turned 30 and over last few months felt my biologial clock ticking away, then my dp said he would have another one but money isnt there. Somedays i really want one other days i think no way, think hes right we both probs would like number 3 but couldnt afford it.

Ah claireinmodena, that's such a lovely story. Best of luck with your precious twins.

I had one of each but guiltily always felt the family wouldn't be complete without a third. Then, we had a third and although it's been harder in some respects third time round (pregnancy, sleep etc) , I wouldn't change a thing. My first two, 6 + 4 are brilliant with the third (now 14 months). If we hadn't have tried, I would have always regretted it. Good luck!

This thread has obviously hit a nerve with a lot of people, myself included. We have 2 DS, aged 4 and 6 months, and I only ever wanted two children. DH has always said he wants two or three. But since having DS2 the idea of a third doesn't seem so awful. In fact, it's something I've thought about quite a bit. However, if we had a third we'd definitely want a DD - this we are in total agreement about. I adore my two DSs, but I couldn't imagine being a mother of three boys. So what to do? I really like the idea of only two children. It seems so manageable and sensible and I can now see a time when life will get easier to organise and we'll be able to do some really interesting travel again together, and I'm almost 38 and DH will be 42 in Feb, so sticking with two just seems like the sensible thing to do. Ho hum.

I was deeply desperate for a third and DH didn't want one. Got pregnant accidentally on purpose and it has been marvellous. Absolutely don't want a fourth and am quite happy if my reproductive organs are removed

OK - how about this then...

I feel just like the OP - have DD 21months and DS 4months - want third but wonder if we can afford the school fees (which we've resigned ourselves to recently).

My DC are the result of IVF and from the last cycle I have 3 frozen embryos. I want to give the embryos a chance - we went through a lot of heartache to get them and I don't want to just let them "go". This could then give us the longed for third child - but again, can we afford it?

It's a really hard decision.