to be obsessing about a third child?

[boyfallingoutofthesky]

I have two perfect children, boy and girl, aged 3 and 1 and have just gone back to work after maternity leave which, contrary to expectation I am quite enjoying. However I have found myself becoming ridiculously broody (have never been a broody person before!) to the point where I am already plotting when I can next get pregnant even though my partner (pragmatic person) is being pretty firm that he only wants two and does not think we could afford three (we could but not if we send them to private school which he wants to do - an entire other thread!)

I think fundamentally a part of me is very sad about the prospect of never being pregnant again, and in addition I have always thought 3 children would be nice so feel a bit incomplete then feel guilty as I should just be happy with what we have. My question is are these feelings normal? If I had a third would I want a 4th?? I am 34 so probably have some time, but I guess every pregnancy has a risk and we should just be content to have 2 healthy children and not push our luck. Has anyone else had a similar experience and did it lead to another little bundle or did the feelings eventually go away?

I am in the grip of obsession atm. Have a girl of 8 and a boy of 3, and really want another baby....soon.

DH adamant this isn't happening, but he has also been dragging his feet over vasectomy for at least 2 years, which gives me hope. I'll be 37 in a few months time though and if we are going to do it, it needs to be fairly soon. Family member has just found out she's expecting so will have to be after that so as not to steal the show though!

I also worry that if I have a third, I won't want to stop there. And then there is the practical side of things - we live in a 3 bedroom house, so someone will have to share rooms and we have a hatchback car in which a third car seat is unlikely to fit.

I feel very sad at the thought I'll never hold one of my babies in my arms again, but I am blessed with two lovely, healthy children already so I should be thankful. And I've done my bit for the world - this population explosion has to end somewhere right?

I feel the same and in my mind have rationalised it so that I know I will be done after my third.

I'm getting on though and it is a risk. I don't know - I can't bear the thought of not having another tiny baby. And I have prams to use up

arghhhhhhhh

We always wanted three. Had dd, then ds1. Then a bit of a break while we pondered. Then ds2. They're now 8,6 and 2. I did go through a patch of bloodiness when ds2 was 1, but that's mostly because really we CAN'T have another - medical and practical. Now he's 2 I can't imagine wanting more and while I still feel a tiny pang when others a pregnant and giving birth and have newborns, I don't want another child if you see what I mean. Three is the magic number for us.

I'm nearly 38 ds is 17, dd is 9! I'm in a long distance relationship we've been together over 3 years. I am so broody but I can't see how on earth I could have another. I think it's my age!!

I could have written the OP - we sort of planned on three, but have decided to stop on 2. I have 2 beautiful DSs and feel that I should be happy with that, but feel so many pangs. We want to go on long-haul holidays, travel round Europe (we live in Holland) and generally live a lifestyle that in essence (cost, convenience) would be easier with 2 children...though of course it would be easier with none .

DS2 was very poorly when he was born, and though he's fine now it did at some point open the vista of having a brain-damaged child. I'd have coped fine, but irrationally feel we 'dodged the bullet' and were incredibly lucky it all turned out OK.

I actually got quite depressed with the feelings about it this year. I hated not being able to make a decision. DH doesn't particularly want a third but if I wanted one he would agree. The last 2 weren't especially planned but now I have the coil fitted we would actually need to make a decision. Sometimes I wish I could leave it to fate.

I have four DC. I had the same urge to keep having more. The desire pretty much left after number four when I realised I had reached my coping capacity.

Some days I wonder why I didn't stop at two they drive me mental

We had our two DCs eventually quite easily after a couple of years of stress and miscarriage which had made me feel as if I would never have children.

DH felt that we were a perfect family unit and wanted to have a vasectomy. I didn't really want another, I can't say I was broody exactly: I quite liked the idea of another, but not enough to make an issue of it.

However I really didn't want him to have a vasectomy. I feared that the knowledge I couldn't have another child would feel like the "I'm never going to have a baby" despair I had experienced before we had our first. So I was against vasectomy and I said to him that they wouldn't do it unless I was sure as well; which I have since learned from Mumsnet is actually incorrect, but I sincerely believed it to be true at the time.

When DC2 started school I got a job I adored, and said to DH OK I am happy with you having a vasectomy. Three months later and he finally got around to booking one. You guessed it, a week before the appointment I found out I was pregnant.

Recriminations followed. I said it was his fault for taking three months to book the vasectomy, he said it was mine for stopping him from going for it earlier just because of my feelings, and expecting him to jump to it the second I graciously gave him my permission. 5 years on I think he might have been more right than me

I was gutted at having to leave my job. Aside from that, DC3 is wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened. I think I spent the first few weeks of his life weeping as I pondered: "What if DH had had the snip? What if we hadn't got pissed that night? DS2 wouldn't exist! Waaaaaaa!!!!"

DH did get the snip when DS2 was a couple of months old. And every month, when I get my period I have a little sigh, even though I am too old and we don't want a fourth . . .

I'm in a similar position to many here. I'm lucky to have 2 gorgeous healthy DCs and really want a 3rd. DH feels happy with two and doesn't want the added chaos with 3- we both have v busy work/home lives and he doesn't want to be stretched more. He could be persuaded, but I don't want him to resent a 3rd, or me for pushing him. Anyone got any experience of a resentful DH with more DCs than he wished for?

Have one, aged ten. He was a twin but I lost the twin. Had nine IVF attempts for another. The nearest I got was a near fatal ectopic. I was really very broody.

Now I'm 46, no chance of another; but I'm not broody any more. The way I feel is that I would have loved to have had another but I wouldn't want to have another baby now and there are advantages of only having one (can pay the school fees, will be able to retire earlier). The broodiness does pass in time

For a long time we had no plans for no 3 and then when Dd1 was 6 and DD2 was 4 we decided to have No3. We missed having a baby around. And I am so glad we did-but do get annoyed by people thinking we were desperate for a boy which was not the case! The little gap works well for us as DD2 is established and has no issues so far... ( I feared middle child syndrome). I get very broody around babies now DS is 21 months and sometime wonder if he needs a play mate but think we are done- will be 41 soon and just need to remember the scares re Chromosome 5 abnormalities and club foot that we had with my last pregnancy to think that I am truly blessed with the 3 healthy monsters I have ! Good luck with your decision making - you have time on your side !

I had 2 early in my life and was then single for a while. I met DH and we knew we wanted one together so we had DC 3. I was convinced I was done after her!
Fast forward five years and those broody feelings came back... I miscarried two and it became a bit of an obsession but luckily I became pregnant pretty quickly and DC 4 was everything we had hoped she would be, I was 'done'. Definitely!
But dc 5 obviously wanted to be here as 11 months after DD3, along she came! perfect and wonderful.
She is almost 7 months now and I still get broody but DH is going to get the snip as I know it would be 'greedy' for us to have any more. We have a comfortable standard of living but emotionally it's hard work trying to keep up with 2 teenagers, 2 babies and one in the middle!

I think sometimes you have to let your head rule your heart. But a third child is very doable and in my experience I would say definitely go for it! You will manage and honestly, there's not that much difference. Mine all love having lots of siblings and (generally) play lovely together.

Good luck x

In the same boat here.
DS1 just turned 4, DS2 is 20 months. I definitely don't want a third yet, but could so imagine it when DS1 goes to school next September. Some days we say yes let's go for 3 (what we always wanted), other days when they're climbing the walls and fighting with each other and they're up all night, we say let's stick with the two gorgeous boys we have. It's like I have this innate need to just know whether we will or won't.

Did I write this OP in my sleep? Am the same - in fact have been literally losing sleep for about the last year about this. I wake up in the middle of the night mentally wrestling with the pros and cons.

We recently came to a loose agreement that we have two boys and that's enough. They're both beautiful, healthy and very hard work. Plus we're skint. Plus I've just turned 35 and DH is nearly 40 and we both feel a bit old now and the thought of going back to all that sleepless night angst fills us both with fear. (DS2 was a nightmare and drove me literally barmy with lack of sleep.)

However, I still think about it daily and think that I will be haunted for the rest of my life by this child I'll never have. Nothing's set in stone - we could change our minds I suppose but life feels very difficult at the moment and throwing another child into the mix would probably make it more so. I suppose...

Read Bryan Caplan's "Selfish Reasons to have more Kids." It's a good read, and might help anyone trying to persuade their OH. The basic message is, don't sacrifice future enjoyment (having 3/4 children etc) when you are 50/60 for short term pain (more sleepless nights now). I went for the third and had twins, so that is worth factoring in as a possibillity!

We'd agreed on 3, had 3 in a very short space of time, then became very broody. For various reasons had no.4 and now definitely that switch has flicked.

Gosh I share the angst of those wanting a third - I think about it every day and know in my heart I don't feel 'finished' having children.

Problem is the factors against it are pretty strong - I am 42, DS (4) is very hard work and I had a horrendous pregnancy with DD (21 mths) - 1:2 risk for DS, lots of problems picked up at numerous scans, constant worry, found out she carries a genetic variance, finally told all should be OK and then she was born with imperforate anus, partial cloaca and heart issues. She is doing well and it isn't guaranteed that another child would have the same issues. Hence friends tell me I'm mad when I say I'd love a third.

I really yearn for one but then wonder if we would be pushing our luck with everything that has happened with DD. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I have 3 - two DDs close together and now teens/20's and then a big gap to DS who is 9. He was completely unexpected and have to say i wasn't remotely broody or even wanted him initially when I found out i was PG. Absolutely no way i wanted another one after that so was sterilised. Mind you, I didn't like being preganant and don't like the small baby - screaming toddler - annoying small child phases. In face, I'm not really mothering material .
if I had my time over, I wouldn't have any - I'd have a life instead.

Um my 3 are 18/15/12 (GBG). Lovely having 3, don't anyone think "if you have a 3rd you have to have a 4th" . Simply not true, no one is left out and mostly they all get along. the age gaps are 2.5 and 3.5yrs and the longer gap was a good one especially when they were little.

Now eldest is at uni the family is "all wrong" though- too odd being able to have a "family ticket" and it be the right amount! I'll get used to it I guess...

There are a heck of a lot of things where 3 kids don't "fit" and if easy holidays /cars/not sharing rooms or stuff matters to you then don't have a 3rd. If you camp/caravan for holidays, share/hand stuff down and have an oldish car it's not really a problem usually.

I so understand this thread. Have two DD aged 4 and 7 months and would love a third. I'd love a little boy but even another girl would be great, feel so broody and hubby admitted he is too, i'm even quite desperate to experience labour again (what's that all about?!) BUT I'm 39 had pre-eclampsia and prem delivery last time so could never risk it, my girls need me to be here and healthy. Thought of never feeling a baby growing inside me again makes me very sad

OP - I felt like you after DD was born, right through unti she was about 18months. I was sad that this was the 'last' time I would be pregnant/breastfeeding/newborn baby etc. When she was just over one DH and I had a proper talk about it, and I realised that while I wanted another baby, I wasn't sure I wanted another child and everything that would come with it. We can't afford it, I don't know that I have enough patience for a third. I feel like I do a good job as a parent at the moment, but that another might tip the balance!

Also, between my DS and DD we terminated a pregnancy due to serious abnormalities. I know I can't go through that again, and I can't put my DC through that again.

I've come round, and have decided that my family is complete. It's almost like by making that decision I have suddenly found myself able to enjoy my DC so much more, rather than thinking about what I don't have and getting upset at it being the 'last time' I'll do this.

And, it's spurred me on to do a few things for myself as part of a new 'me'! I've lost weight (no baby excuse now!) and I've become self employed so I can work around my children. I loved my job before, but now I feel like I'm giving my family the best chance to be as happy as possible while they're still little, and it no longer feels like time is just slipping through my fingers, if you understand what I mean? I think part of me wanting a third was about not feeling like I had had time to really enjoy the two that I had while they were tiny? Now I've changed my circumstances I don't feel that way now.

Hope you feel entirely happy with whatever decision you come to.

I had my 3rd dc a beautiful girl, when my 2dss were 10 and 9 so a big gap.

best thing we ever did though I would say that wish now I had gone on to have a 4th as she is effectivly an only child as brothers are now grown up and she is 12.

still she has lots of advantages and nothing is ever exact in these things.
she is the best mistake we ever made..

DS is nearly 3 and DD is only 10 weeks old. I had a horrible pregnancy and a pretty grim birth this time round, both of which are obviously quite fresh in my memory. Our house is only just big enough for two kids and cars would start being a problem, we are already totally skint and and yet I still want a third.

It's that feeling just after giving birth, the total elation when absolutely nothing else matters in the world. They should bottle that and sell it as I think it's addictive!

I am very jealous of the people saying "you know when you're done". I have dd1 almost 4 and dd2 7 months, and just can't decide about a dc3??? Its driving me mad!!! I think about it constantly - plus do I keep things or throw them away as dd2 outgrows them?

Car is probably big enough. House not really (3 bed, 1 bath - 2 kids could double up but looking to the future 5 people and 1 bathroom sounds almost impossible - its not a separate toilet, just the one room.). Childcare and job wouldn't really change so that part's workable. Do I have time and energy for another versus would I regret it forever if I don't? AAARRRGGHHHH

Both DH and I really really really wanted three. Always. But a year after we got married he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, so even having one child was in the end a huge decision. We now have two wonderful daughters, but I had PND extremely badly after both pregnancies (sleep-deprivation-induced as neither of them slept until they were 1 yr old!) and that, combined with DH's worsening mobility/continence/health issues meant we made what we reckon was the "right" decision and he had the snip a few months ago.

A very very very sad day, for both of us. But the right decision. DH no longer works (retired on ill-health grounds) so I work full time, support us and basically do everything - so I know another child would have been madness really. But last week in a cafe there was the most beautiful five week old baby in a baby gro and I'm afraid I started crying :(.

Just re-read your OP and you mention a third might put paid to private school plans later on.

I would think on this carefully. It might not seem relevant at the moment whilst you are in the baby/toddler stage but in a few years it will be the next thing to obsess over hold a lot more importance.

Your DH, not suffering from the same hormonal urges as you is probably thinking from a practical, logical angle. My DH was the same but my urges won out and we have four.

Fast forward five years and I have to concede he may have a point. My DS is due to start secondary next year and for a number of reasons we have decided the best place for him would be a small local independent school. Paying for this is going to be a stretch and I have no idea if we will realistically be able to send the other 2 (eldest already at uni). If we had stuck at two DC it would be perfectly doable and we could cut back easier by having a smaller house, smaller car etc....

I guess what I am saying is that having 3+ children starts to complicate life in all sorts of ways that you don't comprehend. I wouldn't be without any of them now but a bit of forward planning might have been wise.

Sit down with your DH and really consider what your future aspirations for your family are.

Is your DH in a progressive career?
Do you work/want to work/ move up the career ladder?
Is your current house/car big enough and can you comfortably afford bigger?
Are expensive holidays important to you?
Will you want your DC to have a private education?
Will you want them to do a raft of out of school activities?- logistics with more than 2 DC gets very tricky and expensive here.
Is saving for university/driving lessons /car something that is important to you?

If all the above things are things that are essential to you and you are not stonkingly rich you need to consider if you are willing to forgoe some of them for more children.

HTH, I wish someone had sat me down before 3 and 4 and made me consider carefully. I may still of had them but at least I might have been better prepared .