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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel shocked that my 4 year old was slated on 1st parents evening

319 replies

prettyontheinside · 14/11/2011 15:20

without using the word 'slow' my dd's ability to concentrate, obey simple instructions, even write her name correctly were all mentioned...a snigger also at the fact she struggled writing, recognising the number 9. i was also told "i'm here to tell it like it is" - now, i hadn't asked "does my bum look big in this"? but was there to discuss my child... i am thoroughly worried as i was also told she'd be 'left behind'...i did say i felt the child discussed isn't the girl i recognise. she's been writing her name for a year...could it be that her teacher lacks rapport with her charges, looks like an unmade bed (cords and cotton traders t's + trainers) and has a lady beard...in fact after a week off school with a virus the teacher in question did not even mention my child's return to class - to welcome or to reassure...all that aside, don't you think the school should perhaps have called me in pre parents evening and not deliver such worrying news in an alloted 10 minute slot within earshot of other parents... what would you do?

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 14/11/2011 16:52

I think how the teacher dresses is irrelevant and if the OP was happy with the teacher it would not even be an issue.

My DD's reception teacher dresses very casually (converse, cargo pants, denim skirts etc) but she is the most lovely lovely teacher I could have hoped for, for my DD. Similarly one of the teaching assistants is a v kooky dresser (short, patterned tights, knee high boots) but again is a lovely person so I couldn't care less what she wears.

OP it did sound like a bit of a cheap shot to mention her appearance.

Sometimes it is easy to get hung up on criticism. Did she say positive things about your DD too. I was told my DD struggles with her numbers and gets a bit panicked about ordering them etc but she also said my DD is doing brilliantly with her phonics and is really caring of other children in the class particularly one boy with SN who she "looks after". So there was good and bad, I took away from that, that we will work together on her numbers at home and felt v v proud of the good stuff.

ThisIsANickname · 14/11/2011 16:54

"ThisIsANickname, the world we live in does judge on appearance. It's why many work places have a dress code. Whether you like it or not, it is a fact."

karmabeliever If everyone who thought like you just stopped, then the problem of judging people based on their appearance would stop too. You are using the fact that other people do it to justify the fact that you do it and it's bull.

LIZS · 14/11/2011 16:54

but what some posters are trying to tell you is that it is her job to tell you the areas your dd needs to work on - better now than alter. If you are either confused and/or concerned arrange to have a meeting before or after school to discuss how you can support her learning and skills at home in the same way as they will at school. It is possible the teacher had had to deliver similar messages to many of her 30 ish sets of parents, some will show concern, cooperate, be supportive, some (sadly for their dc) won't. Get over your prejudices, be proactive and move on . You have another 14 years of schooling ahead - some years you will like the teacher, others you won't.

Original poster
prettyontheinside · 14/11/2011 16:54

and to all the people who have judged me on judging the teacher is that not hypocritical....and to be called a c*nt. shit....(that's for the full stop police)

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyontheinside · 14/11/2011 16:56

whoneeds - she said NOTHING positive at all. was mocking in fact.

OP posts:
Chandon · 14/11/2011 16:58

she has a lady beard so take no notice of what she saysGrin

BupcakesandCunting · 14/11/2011 16:59

NEE NAW NEE NAW

You only needed to employ ONE full-stop there, madame.

I'll let you off with a caution this time.

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:00

pretty - but you don't know she didn't say anything to your daughter. A lot goes on in the class that you don't see and your child won't tell you about. I know that as parents we want to see out DCs being made a special fuss of, but I also know, working in a school, that how teachers appear to us as parents and how they are as teachers can be surprisingly different

BupcakesandCunting · 14/11/2011 17:01

Would you have been quite so rude about her if she rocked up to school looking like Audrey Hepburn?

Peachy · 14/11/2011 17:01

Hmm, methinks OP just ahd a bit of a shock is worried and hitting out.

OP glass of wine tonight, then think about it more tomorrow.

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 14/11/2011 17:01

We are in a recession you know OP, we cant just go dishing out full stops willy nilly!

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 14/11/2011 17:01

she said NOTHING positive at all. was mocking in fact.

If that truly is the case and you think it is an issue with your daughter, ask for another meeting and see what can be done to improve things, maybe even ask her if there is anything positive to be said about your daughter, or is it all bad news as you are very concerned with her lack of progress and in fact regression from things she can do with you. Be aware though that if you rock the boat, you need to ready for a storm ride!

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:02

mocking tone not good, though, obv.

You will have to work with her though, so I'd try and calm down and start again.

niceguy2 · 14/11/2011 17:07

whoneeds - she said NOTHING positive at all. was mocking in fact.

Yes I can see how that would be upsetting but at the same time you need to focus on what's important. Right now the teacher's diplomacy skills (or lack thereof) is less important than the fact your daughter is struggling.

So by all means keep criticising the teacher but unless you think she's completely wrong then you are focussing your energy on the wrong thing.

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:11

niceguy - the thing is, if you don't trust the messenger then you aren't going to believe the message, are you? That's the trouble here. Daughter might not be struggling at all. In many countries children aren't expected to pick up a pencil. Many educationalist Sue Palmer etc) feel that being pushed to write early is detrimental and that pre-writing motor skills should be concentrated on first.

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:12

... which is slightly odd-piste, I admit.

Proudnscary · 14/11/2011 17:13

OP you really fucked up by talking about the teacher's lady beard etc...

I'm going to try to ignore that and say if she really gave you this 'feedback' then yes she was seriously unprofessional and terribly unsupportive and insensitive. I would ask for another meeting to discuss this, or if you really think the teacher is mocking and unpleasant talk to year head or head.

I would be upset too.

SardineQueen · 14/11/2011 17:17

Putting the rather odd comments the OP made about the teacher's appearance to one side

I am very surprised to hear this. Our DD has just started school - she is a young one for the year and won't be 5 til next July. These children are teeny. We had a parents evening a couple of weeks ago (before half term) and they had made it very clear that the feedback at this stage would be about how they were settling in. These are really little children who have only just started school a few weeks ago - I find it strange that they were already dishing out feedback of this type so early. At ours the feedback we got was - DD is fine - she's made some friends and is friends with X and Y - she has wet herself a bit as you know so we're all keeping an eye on that - but yes she's happy and all is well. I'm very surprised at the nature of the feedback given here and the fact it was all negative.

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:17

yy Proud - we don't trust the OP because we have been put off by the OP's description. Ironic really ....

JamieComeHome · 14/11/2011 17:19

off - piste !!!!

(odd piste is something else entirely. Piste off?)

SoupDragon · 14/11/2011 17:22

Perhaps your DD really does have all these problems at school and they need to be addressed.

whoneedssleepanyway · 14/11/2011 17:24

It is still v early days OP, I have found that some of the children in my DDs class have reacted the opposite way to which their parents would have expected during the first half term.

E.g. DDs friend who is literally the most confident child you could ever meet, crying and refusing to go in to school.

Other friends little boy who has never ever been violent shutting a little girl from his class in the shed in the playground and hitting other children.

I have other examples.

Starting school is a big change and it could just be taking your DD a while to adapt to this, and stuff that comes naturally to her at home, maybe she has less confidence in the classroom in front of other people.

My DD had homework this week of having to draw a dragon, she was totally overwhelmed at first but when I helped her she was fine. The teacher doesn't have the time to help every child with every little thing they struggle with.

What I would take away from this, is work on these "difficulties" with your DD at home and perhaps arrange a meeting with the teacher before the end of term to see if there is any improvement.

It doesn't sound like your DDs teacher has a great "bedside manner" but you are kind of stuck with her unless you want to change schools and you don't want to get her back up but want her on side so I would try to work with her rather than against her.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/11/2011 17:27

ThisIsANickname, everyone judges everyone else. It's human nature. If not on appearance, then on accent, job, wealth, hobbies, parenting approach. The list could go on. That being the case, it's pointless to pretend otherwise. If you walked into a bank or business or hospital and the receptionist and front line staff were scruffy, would you still have full confidence in them? Despite what you say, I think you would judge too.

What's important is to recognise that appearance is just one thing and should not be the only criterion used to form an opinion. I think I manage not to judge a person solely on how they look. However, if I went to a meeting at school and the teacher looked a mess, yes I would think they are a scruffy bugger and ought to have made an effort. It's about respect for the meeting. I wouldn't dismiss their abilities as a teacher, but if this was my first impression, it wouldn't be a great one.

I would be much more concerned though with the fact that this teacher had not said one positive thing about the child in her care. I would most definitely be judging that.

soverylucky · 14/11/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

niceguy2 · 14/11/2011 17:35

if you don't trust the messenger then you aren't going to believe the message, are you?

Yep, i understand the only way you can determine that is to work with the teacher. Right now from the sounds of things OP is more intent on blaming the teacher than figuring out if there's any real cause for concern or not.

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