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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick to death of every single person I know describing their toddler as advanced?

177 replies

Bethshine82 · 14/11/2011 13:03

Honestly. Everyone I know with small children go on and on and on about how advanced their child is. They can't all be advanced. I was a teacher before being a SAHM and in my years of teaching only met one child that I would consider "advanced." Sure, some were more able than others but by and large they fell under the bracket of what was expected for their age group. What happens to all these advanced two and three year olds?!

I saw a friend yesterday with a ten month old baby and yes, her baby is "advanced." WTF? It was not talking. It was not walking. It was doing what every ten month old baby I've ever seen does. What is advanced in a ten month old baby? For that matter what is advanced in a two or three year old? As far as I can see they all have things they are good at and less good at, just like adults.

It absolutely drives me mad. It's great to be proud of your kid but why is it that most (all my friends it would appear) people don't realise that while you think your own child is brilliant and special to everyone else they're just a regular kid? Argh! I overheard a conversation between two mothers recently and their babies could not have been more than five months old. One was saying "When I went in this morning he was reaching, actually reaching, for his mobile. I couldn't believe it. He's so clever, he's really advanced."

This is what makes me avoid mother and toddler groups. And Babycentre.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Stropzilla · 14/11/2011 17:43

I have friends like this! Always telling me how clever and advanced their child is, and how impressed I will be when I see her. She's doing just fine for her age, defiantely not advanced just average. I never mention my DD's progress, I privately think she's bright for her age, but I could never actually SAY that to anyone! Anyway, don't most of them sort of level out around 6 or so?

NotOurRabbit · 14/11/2011 17:45

Einsteins not Einstein's

kblu · 14/11/2011 17:50

Not read all the replies but this gets on my tits too. I remember when my son had his two year check and scored low for some things and everyone I knew with a child boasted about how "advanced" their child was at theirs. So fucking boring.

ragged · 14/11/2011 17:54

I don't think I'm a great driver.
I think I'm an average driver which I think is a reasonable standard and the same as "a good driver", but not above average.
I get the impression that a lot of people like to describe themselves as "good drivers" by which they mean better than average, and very importantly, that therefore they believe that most drivers are pretty bad at driving (at best).

But no, not me, I am average which is pretty reasonable. Whereas my toddlers are kind of idiotic little people, truth be told, but I don't generally advertise that fact...

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 14/11/2011 18:06

DS at 2 and 9 months is distinctly average, behind the curve even, on some things, such as speech, although is starting to get there.

My best friend's DD is 3 weeks older than him, and has always been screeds ahead. At 2 and a half was fully conversational, recognising nursery rhymes from pictures and singing the full nursery rhyme (it honestly looked like she was reading them from the book, but I struggle to believe that Grin ), counting forwards and backwards, you name it - easily at 4 or even 5 year old level. Her Mum never went on about it at all - I did, though!

However, her DD was/is really, um, pushy. Shoves and pushes and kicks my two. Whacks them and all sorts. And, as is obviously tied in with her being so bright, has a real forward-planning mischievous streak - knows exactly how to wind other little ones up, which buttons to press and how to get a reaction out of them. Takes favourite toys and swings them above their heads out of reach while smiling and laughing. Evilly! You think I jest, but I don't. My friend has left toddler groups in tears and is constantly disciplining her DD, much of which is often ignored. She has a really difficult time.

DS, on the other hand is gregarious and social, doesn't even occur to him to hit or whack other kids, throws himself into whatever is going on, and already looks out for other little ones, especially his little sister, to make sure they're OK.

I am inordinately proud of that. And to be honest, I think he is (hopefully) going to have the easier time as the years go by - being able to fit in socially and make friends easily is more likely to lead to happiness. Touch wood.

lovingthecoast · 14/11/2011 19:06

Duchesse, I know they all talk about death at that age. I have 4 of them now. Smile
But her awareness and understanding and upset is different. DS1 would ask about death; what happens, where people go etc. DD1 wanted to know when she would die, the stats on dying in certain circumstances such as car crash or a car mounting the pavement. So she knew that theoretically she could be killed in these situations and worried about them and demanded to know the likelihood. She is also obsessed by life expectancy and wants to know male and female life expectancy on both sides of family and what diseases we'd had in family.

As adults, we know these things can happen but we are mature enough to rationalise them. It's her level of comprehension and understanding of the facts coupled with her immaturity as she's only 6 that makes this a problem.All this sort of stuff which IMO and IME is just too much for a 6yr old. Sad

StrongestMummyInTheWorld · 14/11/2011 22:16

When DD was tiny, my MIL used to say that all babies should do for the first year was eat, sleep and grow. Unfortunately DD was rubbish at the first two. So I used to frantically tell MIL about DD's every accomplishment, and yes I was one of those mum's who obsessed over growth charts. It was a form of self-defence, and defending DD too.

I have had other parents tell me how advanced the health visitor had said their child was and I felt like they were being defensive too. So just be nice to them and stop grumping. I'd give them a hug to be honest.

bringmesunshine2009 · 14/11/2011 22:23

My toddler is really rather slow. Speech delay and everything. Deffo not advanced. Happy to buck the trend.

Henrythehappyhelicopter · 14/11/2011 22:30

My DS is advanced always has been, outside of MN I have never said that.

I like the idea that mothers think their toddlers are the most beautiful and most clever in all the world. Damn sure mine didn't.

Diamondback · 14/11/2011 23:03

My baby is vez advanced - she is only 9 months and she can cough and fart at the same time! Especially endearing when I'm mid-nappy change... She is a genius!

Branno · 15/11/2011 05:53

I know someone who has 3 DDs. The first is gifted. Since she and hubby found out they have done all they can to help this child be fulfilled. Great stuff. The child is also beautiful. What they do not realize is that the other two are compromised. It is ALL about DD1 in the house. So much so that chatting after the teacher parent meeting they were telling me all about it and their conversations about DD! ONLY. There was never a mention about the other two. There never is. I hate listening now cause the others are always around and notice/hear. On top of that she is so wrapped up in it she never even asks about my DDs. Never ever. Not one question!! And how do you give someone a heads up about their obsession with one child?

Iggly · 15/11/2011 06:31

Branno ask about the other two. I know someone with three kids and the GPs have got quite negative associations with one of them (they would be mortified if you pointed it out directly), so I always point out the good things I've seen her do or talk about the others. It subtly jigs them out of that permanent fixation with one child being naughty etc.

EmmaBemma · 15/11/2011 06:50

of all the crappy things in the world, I'd say being proud - even obnoxiously proud - of your children ranks pretty low on the list for me.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/11/2011 06:52

Yes OP. I absolutely agree.

So when I tell new nursery staff how advanced my toddler is, she rolls her eyes instead of taking me seriously. It is bloody frustrating for a mother who's child IS advanced!

upsydaisysexstylist · 15/11/2011 07:24

hm, think books and HV slightly to blame, we had our 3.5 yr check with HV in the form of a jungle adventure and he was really pleased he got everything right and a certificate. Does this mean he is advanced no it means he doesn't need any intervention from the HCP's. And the HV got to observe us interacting for 20 minutes and did not suggest a parenting course

BrawToken · 15/11/2011 07:34

My dd1 was super quick at reading/writing etc and has turned out to be extremely............average (academically, lovely young girl though) as a teenager!

differentnameforthis · 15/11/2011 07:38

Agree! My friend loves doing this!

She was ranting about how her 2yr old (3rd child) can count to 20 & backwards from 10, knows her alphabet, can sing 2 nursery rhymes all the way through. (yawn) and how her child care workers tell her it is not normal, it's advanced etc.. I don't care! Really! She is 2. It means nothing to me. She always ends the convo with something like "not another advanced child in the house" (she has 1 already, middle child doesn't get bragged about, so I assume she isn't advanced)

I also have to hear it about her older child. "She is a free reader, we don't read with her any more, she doesn't need it, she has this extra work to do, she has a project to do in half term..etc etc. ARGH!!!!

What she doesn't realise is that up until she was 12 she (my friend) was advanced too, but she levelled out. Which (I am told) many of them do.

But it makes my teeth itch that in almost every convo we have, she mentions it.

differentnameforthis · 15/11/2011 07:45

I must add that my friend's girls are very high maintenance. The oldest is also very rude to adults & disruptive & has started stealing stuff from school friends. It seems that they focus more on her abilities academically than on her social skills.

My dd isn't gifted & isn't any of the above, I know which I prefer.

spiderslegs · 15/11/2011 07:49

My children are idiots.

Really.

They are 3 & 4 & only know the value of Pi to 18 & 16 decimal places .

Fools.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 15/11/2011 07:54

spiders I hope you're seeking early intervention? :)

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/11/2011 07:56

YANBU.
I think it justifies them as mothers-if their DC is advanced they must be good mothers!
What makes me laugh are the ones who wring their hands and say 'how will school cope' and you think 'just fine'!

singarainbow · 15/11/2011 08:13

I think as mothers, especially with our PFB we constatnly look for reassuance that we are doing ok...and I think by latching onto every accomplishment and making it HUGE, thats what we are doing. My PFB (dd1) was an early reader/writer etc etc etc, and was well ahead of her peers at aged 4,5 & 6 now the rest have caught up, and she is a slightly above average 8 yo, but loves to read. I would rather it be like this!

singarainbow · 15/11/2011 08:14

bloody typos "constantly" and "reassurance"..

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 15/11/2011 08:17

I have four, one was advanced at talking, one was slow at everything, three were very very happy all the time, one is definitely 'advanced', all are lovely. Fortunately I didn't get to be a pain because my first was the slower one and so by baby two I had a perspective that it makes no difference. DS3 is, according to most, very very bright but he's just three and I know that this means NOTHING.

cory · 15/11/2011 08:21

It's partly about where you live, I expect. When dd was little I couldn't help noticing that some of her toddler friends were more advanced than her- but their parents didn't really speak about it like that. Probably because there is less social pressure around here.

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