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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick to death of every single person I know describing their toddler as advanced?

177 replies

Bethshine82 · 14/11/2011 13:03

Honestly. Everyone I know with small children go on and on and on about how advanced their child is. They can't all be advanced. I was a teacher before being a SAHM and in my years of teaching only met one child that I would consider "advanced." Sure, some were more able than others but by and large they fell under the bracket of what was expected for their age group. What happens to all these advanced two and three year olds?!

I saw a friend yesterday with a ten month old baby and yes, her baby is "advanced." WTF? It was not talking. It was not walking. It was doing what every ten month old baby I've ever seen does. What is advanced in a ten month old baby? For that matter what is advanced in a two or three year old? As far as I can see they all have things they are good at and less good at, just like adults.

It absolutely drives me mad. It's great to be proud of your kid but why is it that most (all my friends it would appear) people don't realise that while you think your own child is brilliant and special to everyone else they're just a regular kid? Argh! I overheard a conversation between two mothers recently and their babies could not have been more than five months old. One was saying "When I went in this morning he was reaching, actually reaching, for his mobile. I couldn't believe it. He's so clever, he's really advanced."

This is what makes me avoid mother and toddler groups. And Babycentre.

AIBU??

OP posts:
StetsonsAreCool · 14/11/2011 13:28

Blush Sometimes (albeit rarely) I say DD is advanced.

I suppose what I actually mean is, she has advanced from where she was a month or so ago.

She is my first, so some of these 'milestones' are quite unexpected to me. Like, I didn't think she'd be able to understand so much by this age. I can tell her to put some In The Bin, and she does!!! And she's trying to jump!!!! Again, Blush It feels advanced, but I know she's just a normal 17mo doing the same sorts of things as other 17mos.

I say she's bright too, but I mean that she has a really sunny and light disposition.

KatieMiddIeton · 14/11/2011 13:29

Of course they're deluded! As they should be. We should all think our child is a bit special. If your own mother doesn't think you're a bit special that's a bit sad.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 14/11/2011 13:31

I do think my child is special. To me. But I appreciate that others probably aren't as interested his accomplishments as I am!

New friends maybe?

OP posts:
Woodlands · 14/11/2011 13:32

I agree ButHeNeverDid. It's such an amazing process. My DS is just learning to walk, and at just about 16 months that makes him pretty backward! But yet I feel like no other baby has ever possibly learned to walk. It is amazing to watch him and to see how pleased he is with himself when he takes a few steps.

lovingthecoast · 14/11/2011 13:32

Just to be clear, by 18mths, she was talking in sentences fluently and describing in detail things she saw. She could count and use numbers to 20 and knew all colours, shapes and most letter sounds. By Christmas in Reception she had read her way through the entire Roald Dahl collection. My DS1 is a bright lad but was never anything close to this.

TeWihara · 14/11/2011 13:33

Yes, maybe. I tend to think of "oh, X is so advanced!" as something other people say when trying to be complimentary, not the parents.

But a bit deluded is definately better than thinking their kids are little shits.

witherhills · 14/11/2011 13:33

i think some people are honestly amazed at the ordinary things that babies/toddlers/children can do, and they are just a little enthusiastic about it.
Or they don't really have much to compare them too
It's not really a big deal

hwjm1945 · 14/11/2011 13:34

My DS3 sat up unaided very early, about 16 weeks. My friend had a slightly oder DD who could not sit up unaided. When others commented on it, she said very quickly and huffily "oh, she can't sit up straight like xxx as she is so busy reachng out with her hands, while she just sits bolt upright as she is not intersetd in things like my DD is".

Yuo have to laugh really! Kids advacne at different stages - my DD spoke very well very early, but now is pretty average. My DD1 walked very early - not likley to be an Olympic sprinter on the strength of that!

lovingthecoast · 14/11/2011 13:34

Yes, I have to say the walking at 9.5mths was probably one of the most annoying bits of it.

Yes, to new friends, OP. They sound weird and competitive.

ElderberrySyrup · 14/11/2011 13:34

IME different groups of people have their own culture about this kind of thing. I once lived in a big university town for a few months with dcs and there was a particular play area I went where the other mums' small talk always seemed to be based around what children could do - 'Isn't your dc advanced!' 'Is she really only 2, she is talking very fluently! etc. It was all perfectly nice and friendly but I could imagine it feeling quite oppressive. In the village I live in I have never ever heard any comments like that at the play area.
So if some people say they have never come across this and others say they are sick of it, I am not too surprised.

Pishtushette · 14/11/2011 13:38

I always fall into the trap of thinking children are advanced, but I think it's because I always find it so amazing when children become actual people.

Of course DP and I think DD is absolutely wonderful, but we never mention it to anyone else.

I know I'm going to be one of those PITA mums who will always think DD has done everything in the most amazing way possible. I know of friends who have mothers like this and they find it really irritating. I'm going to have to find a way to keep it all in... Smile

I know exactly what you mean though OP

Iggly · 14/11/2011 13:39

Maybe OP you're jealous. Obviously. Grin

And by the way, my PFB is advanced. He walked from birth, asked for "the breast" (his words, not mine), weaned himself onto solids at 2 weeks and was able to cook his first Xmas dinner age 3 months. He's now 2, taking a nap having finished composing his first opera.

MillyR · 14/11/2011 13:41

Isn't it likely that lots of toddlers are advanced at some particular thing? So you may be the world's most advanced toddler at getting peas on a fork and mediocre at everything else.

I think it would be fair enough to then say to the mother of the toddler that her child was very advanced, even if you only mean in pea eating terms, because it is good manners to compliment people on their children.

molly3478 · 14/11/2011 13:43

I always hear everyone say their children are the other way round tbh

SuckItAndSee · 14/11/2011 13:44

ooh, you'd like me then.
1yo dd2 is known privately as Slow Doris. TBH it's quite a good job that she is our second, as otherwise we'd be full of angst about her "leisurely" progress towards the milestones.

but dd1 was advanced Grin.

Moominsarescary · 14/11/2011 13:45

Ds1 talked realy early, from 9 months and potty trained early. Everyone said how advanced he was. At 16 he's pretty average now .

Ds2 was late at pretty much everything, to the point where some family members were worried about him. at 8 he is now well above average at school.

Doesn't seem to matter how early the do things

DeWe · 14/11/2011 13:52

Bethshine82

I know exactly what you mean there. I always reckon that most if not all children have something you can call advanced, and all children have things where they are not quite so advanced. Sometimes the things they are advanced in are more obvious, which tends to be the ones people brag about.

You also find that different children shine at different stages. Hopefully ds will find his stage some point. At the moment he thinks his gift lies in being able to go to the toilet standing up. He will demonstrate if you like. Grin

I don't think it helps that people will throw out the line "aren't they bright/clever/beautiful etc?" very easily. I've seen it on fb. One picture put up and gushing comments under in the comment section. "Most beautiful baby ever?" etc.

You get it on here where you get an OP posting something like. "I've a lovely dc. They've a beautiful smile but I'm upset because they're in the second group in reading". and down the comment list you get "They're obviously really bright" Confused um... how do you tell that from the information they've a lovely smile and are in the second reading group. Confused

The problem is that some people do take that sort of flung out comment as truth, and then they believe it. I'm thinking of a friend whose ds was very small and people were always saying how bright he was. When he was diagnosed with dyslexia* she was devisated because she'd envisioned from comments that he was so bright that he'd never have to work to achieve anything. It also meant she left it longer before trying to sort out his problems with literacy because "he was so clever of course he could do it if he wanted".

*I know dyslexia doesn't mean that they can't be clever, it was however how she perceived it.

ScrambledSmegs · 14/11/2011 13:52

I thought it was a given that all doting parents claimed their children were advanced? I always described my DD as 'average' until the shocked expressions stopped me. Apparently I'm supposed to say she's a genius in miniature. Whoops.

Anyway, there is a genuinely 'advanced' child at her nursery, so I have a comparison. 22 months old, speaks both English and French beautifully and with perfect diction. Her vocabulary is amazing. I've had better conversations with her than I've had with some adults.

lovingthecoast · 14/11/2011 13:52

I think it's great to be proud of your kids but Ive met some mums who are ridiculously competitive. And the mums with DDs the same age as DD1 were the worsed as I think DD1 really being a bit freaky brought out that competitiveness. DD2 on the other hand was relaxed and chilled out and did stuff at her own pace, ie slowly. Nobody seemed anxious to tell me their child was doing as well as her! Grin

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 14/11/2011 13:53

Maybe I just get too wound up about it then? I just want to say to them 'you're child is just normal! That's what all children do!' But that would be mean.

I too am easily impressed by my child, but I do not share these stories of minor achievements with anyone except my husband.

I will boast, however, that my child has the longest attention span for dora the sodding explorer of any child I've ever met. He's very advanced that way.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 14/11/2011 13:54

PS I am doting! I just found it weird to boast about my DD. After all, she's a person in her own right, not an extension of me.

lovingthecoast · 14/11/2011 13:59

And can I just add that really having a child who is genuinely very advanced isn't a good thing at all. DD1 is a constant worry. DS1 and DD2 just happily get on with things and enjoy their childhood. DD1 cannot cope with the very idea that there are things she doesn't yet know and even worse, that there are things that at just 6yrs, even she cannot yet understand.

So please be happy and grateful for your slightly behind/normal/average or bright children. Ok, rant over!

nancerama · 14/11/2011 14:10

YANBU. I'm constantly amazed by the things that DS gets up to, but I don't think he's any more or less smart than any other baby.

In fact, I'd much rather have a happy average kid.

two4one · 14/11/2011 14:11

I've never heard anyone say this about their toddler. You can tell the ones who are thinking it, but I've never heard anyone actually say it. Are you perhaps just a teeny bit sensitive, maybe?

shuffleballchange · 14/11/2011 14:11

I was 'advanced' at school. At primary school I had to do work with children 2 years ahead, when they left, I had to do 'special work' by myself. I was in top groups the first couple of years of high school, until I rebelled in a big way and turned into the wildest of all wild childs!!!!! My point is, a so called advanced 9 year old does not necessarily turn into an advanced adult.