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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 07:58

Totally agree jacksmania no discussion, no talking, just this is the way it is, like it or lump it from op's dh, that is not how a relationship works sorry its not. The are a family unit, and anything big like that should be discussed and views from both sides talked about. Yes a week away means that his annual leave is affected, so does have an impact on his family as it limits family holidays, trips etc. Very selfish of the dh tbh, does not sound like he respects the op much.

exoticfruits · 14/11/2011 08:08

If MIL is paying and it is just her biological DCs only it would be OK, but not if it is extended to other family members and not you and he is paying.
Even under those circumstances he should be discussing rather than telling.

recall · 14/11/2011 08:10

YANBU

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 08:10

Its the lack of discussion, empathy and understanding from the op dh that is the problem here, he is just telling, and getting huffy when the op tells him that she is upset. That is not on, he is behaving like a young child not getting his own way!

Facebookisforlosers · 14/11/2011 08:18

pictish speaks like one of those MILS that everyone loathes.

Family can be whatever you want, but to exclude a spouse as not being family is disrespectful, at best. Your MIL, OP, sounds horrid as does your husband.,

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 14/11/2011 08:23

Everyone who says, "It's only a week." That's actually 1/4 of many peoples holiday allowance for the year, so Op and DD have to miss out on precious family time of their own. That's what would get me the most, ok if you're going to have an egocentric birthday trip and ignore DIL and GD so be it, your loss, but MIL is over the top asking for a whole week. many people have 3-4 NY city breaks and have a lovely time. And if they were thoughtfull they would realise this.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 08:26

Exactly paranoid

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 08:27

I cannot believe there are posters on here telling the op that she is BU!! Her dh arrives home and tells her he is swanning off to ny for a week with his family-NO dear I am your family should have been her immediate reply!

This has hit a raw nerve with me as I have a similiar situation. Inlaws own a house abroad. They want to sort out a few legal things which require the input of my dh and bil. So they are trying to arrange for them to go out for a week next year to sort this. I am not invited and even if I were they know very well we cant afford it. So they think that my dh is going to have a weeks jolly with his brother while I stay home with our 3 dcs-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-you get the idea. It wont be happening.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 14/11/2011 08:28

Very unfair, I think. Just hope for long delays at this end, a bumpy flight and then pissing rain

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 08:28

Now we know who dh takes after. His mum not very thoughtful at all, does not seem to realise the impact of this trip on the other family members.

emmyloo2 · 14/11/2011 08:30

YANBU at all. I would be incredibly pissed off at this. As someone else said, you are his wife and his role as the father of your child trumps the role of his mother's son. It sounds to be like the MIL is being a selfish old tart. My MIL would never do this ever. And my Mum would always want her SIL and grandchildren at any occasion. I just don't understand why you all can't be invited. They don't have to pay for everybody!

I guess though on the other hand I can imagine my mum, me and my sister going to NY just the three of us without inviting husbands. But then we woulnd't ask my Dad. We wouldn't go the four of us without asking our husbands.

carabos · 14/11/2011 08:30

My ex MIL (note the ex) was just like this. As far as she was concerned, the "family" consisted of blood relatives (not sure how she squared her husband into that ). She even used to introduce her adopted brother with "this is my brother X, except he's not my brother, he's adopted".

IMHO, people like this just don't understand "marriage". You are her family, whether she likes it or not. You should be invited to the celebration - the location is a red herring, it's up to you whether you think it's suitable for your DD- and the lack of an invitation should open up what will be, I'm afraid, a very difficult conversation.

You need to say to her that your marriage to her son makes you her family, and that you can only assume that you are not invited is because she doesn't like you. She needs to get that out into the open before you can all move forward. It's OK for her not to like you, it's not OK for her to pretend that's not the case so that she doesn't offend her son. The fact that your SIL's boyfriend isn't invited is also a red herring - he's not family.

It's up to you, but if I were you I'd be bringing this lot out into the light of day before you all get much older.

Good luck.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 14/11/2011 08:32

Your DD could always flush his passport down the toilet the day before he leaves you know,

Catslikehats · 14/11/2011 08:33

auntiepicklebottom my DH doesn't need my approval to spend time with anyone. He does however afford me the courtesy of ensuring that I am content to look after our DC for the time that he will not be able to.

To expect your adult son to leave his wife and child for a week for something billed as a "family holiday" is presumtious and rude.

OP is your FiL about? I could just about get my head arround this arrangement if it was just mum and 2DC but mum and dad expecting two adult DC's to come along and have a "family holiday" is plain weird

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 08:33

The mil is obviously one who cant accept that her position in her sons eyes as number 1 has been usurped-get over it.

Op-I really think that you need to make it clear to your dh that you will not be tolerating this. I would simply be asking what childcare arrangements he intends to make as you are going away with the girls that very week-that should put his gas at a peep.

trixymalixy · 14/11/2011 08:34

YANBU. I don't think there's anything that wrong with your MIL wanting to go away just with her adult sons as such, it's the fact that it's a week (1/4 of my annual holiday allowance excl bank hols) and has been presented as a fait accompli, and it's NY somewhere I am desperate to visit. So I can totally understand that you're miffed, I certainly would be!!

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 14/11/2011 08:39

You're all bonkers.

If it was the other way around, and any of you lot were invited on a 60th celebratory week's holiday with your mothers....sans hubby, as your mum wanted to hang out with YOU for a bit, this would be accepted no problem. There would be lots of how lovelys and you enjoys.

But husbands should remember that when they got married they signed up to a new boss eh?

I wouldn't give a shit if my dh did this. I'm not his keeper, and his mum is entitled to want to spend time with him without me there if she likes. Even if it was one off never to be repeated week long 60th birthday celebration.

And we wonder where the term 'ball and chain' comes from eh?

Nice one!

Merrylegs · 14/11/2011 08:40

Although it is telling in your OP you say 'neither my daughter nor myself are invited. Surely you mean 'our' daughter? Is he the type to talk about 'babysitting' his own child if you ever go out?

(As a side note, I don't understand the 'no point in taking the LO - she won't remember it' line. So what. You will. If we never did anything because it would be too much hassle with a baby and they wouldn't remember it, well, we would never do anything. NY is fantastic for LOs. You wouldn't all have to troop around together, would you?)

Sorry for you OP. I think they are both BU.

ENormaSnob · 14/11/2011 08:40

Yanbu

a week to celebrate someones birthday is excessive IMO

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 08:41

Ignore pictish-she thinks it big and clever to be deliberately inflammatory. And yes I am my dh's boss now and he wouldnt be going-see my post above

Elderberries · 14/11/2011 08:42

I haven't read the whole thread but I would be upset. A, a weeks holiday from work spent with the in laws is a week that can't be taken as a family. B, my husband and I haven't spent more than a couple of nights apart since we got together 9 years ago and we would miss each other (I know that looks pretty lame as a write it). C, My MIL just wouldn't ask that - I really believe that she would want to include me and grandchildren. C, It is a big deal and should be discussed not just be presented as a done deal.

I have sometimes thought that i would like to take my mum away some time but I think I would only ever try for a weekend of leaving my husband to it - and it will be a few years off when the kids are not so little.

I don't think this is on at all and is quite rude to be honest.

Catslikehats · 14/11/2011 08:43

pictish if hypothetically speaking my mum wanted to do something for her birthday with her three DD's then that would be totally different to my mum and dad wanting a "family holiday" with us which would be plain weird.

And whilst a day to celebrate my mums birthday would be fine there is no way I would go off to NY for a week sans DH and DC's for her birthday.

pictish · 14/11/2011 08:45

I'm not being deliberately inflammatory - I just don't agree with the people who thinks the dh and his dm are being selfish or horrible to want this celebration, and that ones who claim they they would not be having it, and it's terrible and so on, are the ones being selfish.
That is my genuine belief!

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 08:47

pictisha lot of posters are not saying that the dh cant go-I am mind!-but that the way it has been presented as a fait au complix it extremely rude and nasty imo. Clearly as divissive tatic by the lovely mil. Op needs to tell her dh to grow a pair and tell mil to wind her neck in

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