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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 15/11/2011 12:05

Hahaha!! The irony! Grin

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 15/11/2011 12:20

These threads make me feel a bit sad - my dd is a teenager now, so I know there is a gradual and permanent loosening of the umbilical cord, so to speak, but I would still like to think I would be able to arrange a jaunt somewhere on my 60th birthday (when she will be in the 30s) and she would be able to come along with me, without her husband getting into a massive strop about it, and start shouting 'units', 'priorities' etc.

MorrisZapp · 15/11/2011 12:55

'Unit' my arse! I'm v happy in my relationship with DP but god forbid the world should see us a 'unit' and only do stuff with one of us if both of us are there.

I might be totally wrong but I see a lot of this 'DILs rights' stuff on here and it baffles me. Why do so many women want to be seen as part of somebody else's family? I even have friends like this, who couldn't wait to have the guy's surname, and proper 'recognition' as a wife. What decade do we live in? Why is it so validating and marvellous be be a wife?

Do men get all excited and huffy about being validated by another family? My DP likes my family a lot but they are my family, not his.

I do wonder what the angry DILs will be like when their own lovely kids have grown up and refuse to spend quality time without their own DP's and kids there too.

LeBOF · 15/11/2011 12:57

It just sounds like the husband is jealous at missing out on a freebie if this is even real.

MorrisZapp · 15/11/2011 12:59

Just remembered...

My DP took his mum to NY for 5 days her her 60th. I didn't go.

They had a great time. I do love NY, but I wouldn't choose to go there with my MIL.

He brought me back heaps pf pressies - what's not to love.

skirt · 15/11/2011 13:10

I go away with my mum every year and my dh doesnt bat an eyelid. But maybe that's because he is a nice man and is delighted that we spend time together. What a load of twaddle all this is, can't you just be glad he is going to have a nice holiday?

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 15/11/2011 13:27

LeBof I have big doubts as to the authenticity of the OP, but no matter...it has stirred up an interesting, lively debate, which I have enjoyed being involved in, as admittedly it is something I feel fairly strongly about.

We only ever get one set of parents, and they bloody matter! They count, and they are deserving of individual attention and time and love from their adult children.
A good relationship should always be nourished, and if that involves taking a week's holiday with your parent, without your spouse ONCE EVER, then so be it. All this we-are-a-unit-and-if-you-invite-him-you-have-to-invite-me-too chit chat is just incredible in its self importance. I have cringed at some of the things written here. How inappropriate!!

The selfishness, self absorbtion and single mindedness of some of the women here is shameful. To imagine that their arrival on the scene effectively renders his mother obsolete, unless their wives grant permission, is abysmal!

My own mother is dead actually. She died from cancer six years ago. I regularly used to stay with her in her home town for a a few days to a week at a time...without my husband in tow. He certainly didn't give a monkeys, and to this day I cannot say my time was compromised or wasted. We were very close.

You only get one mum and God knows you miss her when she's gone. Make the most of her everyone. She won't be around for ever.....and don't allow your self centred spouse to star jump up and down in front of her shouting ME ME ME!! That's their problem.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/11/2011 13:31

another one here who doesn't have her mother - I heartily agree with you pictish.

thepollydoll · 15/11/2011 13:34

I think I'd be a little jealous sure (because it's NY), but not hurt or miffed.

Yes, we are a "family unit" but we are also individuals, we don't come as a package necessarily.

I enjoy nights out/weekends away with my friends and DH can do the same with his. Don't see why family should be any different.

I think it's a lovely idea that the family can be together again as just the parents and their two children for a special event - it's probably a long, long time since they spent quality time together just the four of them without the extended family.

If I were you I'd try my best to understand and to be happy for DH and MIL.

It would have been a different story if other DP was invited and specifically excluded you and DC. I don't think this is about you and DD being excluded, it's about MIL wanting her dream birthday with her own children.

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 15/11/2011 13:39

I am another one who doesn't have a mother - perhaps that has something to do with our responses on this thread. I would LOVE to have a mother - daughter NY trip.

This would not happen in my family (my MIL loves all 11 grandchildren so much, she would probably opt to take all the grandchildren to New York and leave all her sons and daughters-in-law behind Grin) but I would like to think that in a normal, loving family a bloke could spend some quality time with his mum without it causing ructions with his wife.

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 15/11/2011 13:42

And I don't mean to be morbid - but in the OP's situation it may well be the last time the 4 of the family are able to get together for any length of time, on their own without the larger family.

I know life moves on, priorities change and families evolve, but I can see the appeal of having just the 4 of them together, reminding them of family holidays of years ago.

daytoday · 15/11/2011 13:43

Its such a shame that you have been made to feel outside the family. Doesn't take a lot to feel included. Obviously, its not worth saying anything to her as it would be taken the wrong way and cause offense, which I'm sure you don't want to do. But I think it unreasonable of MIL not to at least call and explain they would love you to come but finances dictate.

Often these hurts can be avoided with kindness and thoughtfulness all round.

Do you think that if her daughter were married they would invite her husband?

LauraShigihara · 15/11/2011 13:51

Hear hear pictish. It is abysmal to think you can push your parents away once a partner comes along.

My daughter (who is late twenties) has just come out of a very long relationship. During this relationship she didn't stop spending time with us on her own. She came each Christmas and joined us on holiday each year because we were paying. We liked her boyfriend very much but we treasured the time that we spent alone with her, too.

daytoday · 15/11/2011 13:52

"The selfishness, self absorbtion and single mindedness of some of the women here is shameful. To imagine that their arrival on the scene effectively renders his mother obsolete, unless their wives grant permission, is abysmal!"

What a load of tosh!

I find your turn of phrase 'arrival on the scene' quite telling as it presumes that wives are some sort of part-time, transitory event - and they don't qualify for 'first dibs' on their sons.

You sound quite competitive.

AbbyAbsinthe · 15/11/2011 13:58

daytoday, one of the posts on this thread says something along the lines of... 'never mind his mother... it's MY reign now'

Do you agree with that then?

pictish · 15/11/2011 14:03

Competitive with who? Who am I competing with?
Don't understand that part.

Secondly, it's not tosh...it's fair dinkum....and was in relation to a post on this thread, as well as reflecting the general attitude of the we-are-a-unit-you-must-invite-me-too wives on this thread.

sozzledchops · 15/11/2011 14:33

I love the fact that my husband loves his mum and dad and likes to spend time with them, phoning them for a chat etc. My brother sort of distanced himself and didn't see mum often (he was the golden boy) even though he lives a 15 min walk away. I hope my sons are more like my husband that way then my brother. I think it's lovely to see a man have a loving relationship with his parents when quite a few just go through the motions and get swept along with their wife/partners family.

quietlyafraid · 15/11/2011 18:17

Blah, you wanna meet my MiL. She doesn't have a good relationship with her son for a reason... long before I ever met him. Lots of playing off kids, and kids partners to attention seek... I think it would be a close call about whether DH would actually kill his mother if he was asked to go on a family celebration to NY without me! Stuff like OP just makes me question things, based on personal experience. Something to think about for all the women going bonkers at certain reactions.

And tbh, I would hate to spend a whole week on holiday with my own mother without having DH along to keep me sane. As much as I love her, she'd drive me nuts.

alistron1 · 15/11/2011 18:32

A few years ago my PILs paid for DP and his bro to go to New Orleans. They had a great time in the party capital of the US drinking tea and visiting museums Grin. It didn't occur to me that DP should ask my permission or that I should be invited too.

helpmabob · 15/11/2011 18:41

I also don't have a mum but I think that is irrelevant. Why on earth should the OP be happy about being on her own with sole child care for a week. I would go mad, its tiring and bloody hard work while dh has a jolly and to not even be asked.

What a fucking assumption that the mum will happily keep the home fires burning and look solely after the dc while the others have a holiday.

I doubt my dh would do that to me or I to him

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 15/11/2011 19:33

No-one is asking her to be happy - although there are plenty of parents who would be quite happy being on their own with their child for a whole (lordy, lordy) 7 days. What is expected is that the OP can be an adult about this, accept that her DH is being offered a great opportunity by her MIL who should be able to enjoy her 60th birthday in this way, and wind her neck in.

What a fucking assumption that anyone would have the right to dictate that their partner should stay at home because she (or he) can't cope with 1 child for a few days. Sheesh.

Lara2 · 15/11/2011 20:32

If it was my MIL I'd be pushing my DH onto the plane, waving merrily and grinning all the way home!!!

His mum - not mine - what's to get upset about?

cruelladepoppins · 15/11/2011 21:25

I would want to be asked if it was OK, not told he was going.

Provided he recognised my interests by asking me, I would not raise any objection to DH going.

Littlemissmagnet · 15/11/2011 21:59

I think it is rude not to be invited but then it may be a blessing! Use your money to go on a family holiday as squekytoy suggests and you may have a million brownie points from DH, let him know your a little cheesed at the lack of invite without explanation (there may be a reasonable one) and if he gets to go to NY then your family holiday must be in XYZ next year (I would also throw in a spa day when he gets back to get over looking after the DD on my own- but that's just me ;)
Either way good luck and hope it goes well.

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