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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2011 08:52

I don't ask permission for anything I do.
If my mother said 'I'm treating you and your brother to a week in New York for my 60th' I'd say 'great..ta!'

Then I'd come home and tell my dh. I wouldn't ask him. It would be the same the other way round too.

Dh and I discussed this thread last night, and we're both in agreement. The holiday proposal is fine.

cantspel · 14/11/2011 08:53

Would be fine in my family but i would feel a hint of jealousy but only cos i would like to go to NY.

I dont think it is that bigger deal although maybe the husband could have handled it better.

Oh and to be nit picky and a completly seperate issue i dont like the way the op referes to their child as my daughter. If it is her husbands child she is their daughter .

youtalkintome · 14/11/2011 08:56

YANBU to be hurt I would be. If it had been discussed with me first then I would probably be better with it. Your DC are available for holidays their whole childhood, once they have their own DC its different.

My Grandad used to take my DF on an overseas hol for a week when we were little leaving my DM and us behind. We couldn't afford a foreign holiday. It spoke volumes that my DF would go.

Adversecamber · 14/11/2011 08:57

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clam · 14/11/2011 09:01

I don't think YABU to be upset about this, although I can see that some would think it's not the best idea to take a 19mo on this occasion. It would change the whole dynamic of the trip for your MIL, whose birthday it is, and whilst lots would like to have their toddler GC along, clearly your MIL wouldn't. Sad but fair enough.

BUT, it sounds as if the way they (and your DH) have gone about it is apalling and very thoughtless. You've been presented with a fait accompli with no consultation and, worse, been huffed at for being naturally fed up at being excluded from something you'd have loved to do. It's your DH who's mainly in the wrong for this, so he deserves a big slap.

Hope you can resolve it somehow.

Original poster
FanjoTootie · 14/11/2011 09:02

Just catching up with all the thoughts, views and advice.

Saw one from Pictish about what if it were the other way round... I'd not really thought about that.

Just as a thought experiment - would it be ok for me to go off and leave DH with our daughter?

Hmmm

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2011 09:05

Oh I'd just like to add....my mil and I get along famously and always have...she's a great support to us as a family, a fab granny, and an all round good egg. However, she did not heave me out of her vagina, so I would not automatically expect to be included in every plan she makes that involves her two adult sons.
Their relationship is their business and within their own jurisdiction, not mine.

If anything I would think it rather lovely for my dh to keep his mum company on holiday for a week, with his brother. I really would.

cantspel · 14/11/2011 09:08

Of course it would be ok for you to go off for a week and leave your child with its father.

Why would anyone think differently?

pictish · 14/11/2011 09:08

If it was the other way round and an OP was complaining that her mum had offered to take her on holiday for a week to celebrate her mum's 60th, but her dh had put his foot down and was in a sulk, it would be a very different thread.
It would be all about how unreasonable and controlling the dh was being.

And you all know it would.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:09

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SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:12

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Chrysanthemum5 · 14/11/2011 09:12

Pictish - it's a matter of respect. I have no problem with the idea of the special holiday to celebrate the MIL's birthday (although my MIL would want all her ILs and GCs there as well!), but I'd be shocked if DH came home and just said he was off to New York for a week. That would take a fair chunk of his leave, would require me to re-arrange my working hours, and would have financial implications.

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:13

I agree with pictish on everything she's said! It may be that this whole thing could have been presented better but that's by the by! The very idea of renting a bloody apartment and ordering food in in one of the greatest cities in the world - just so a toddler won't be inconvenienced? Good God! New York is NOT a city for toddlers - just accept that!

By the way pink4ever - it's fait accompli ok? HTH

SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:14

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Bathsheba · 14/11/2011 09:14

Is it just because its *New York Baby...**" and all the bells and whistles that implies...

If your MIL was taking her DH and her children to somewhere closer to home, (Manchester, Brighton, The Isle Of Skye....) would you be quite so put out that you weren't included....

pictish · 14/11/2011 09:15

Well crysanthemum they've got four months to work it out, so plenty of warning.

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 09:15

I agree completely with Pictish.

A husband is not a possession, who once he marries you, loses all his independence and must forego anything if it does not include you.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:16

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rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 09:18

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squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 09:19

Just as a thought experiment - would it be ok for me to go off and leave DH with our daughter?

Of course it would.... why on earth would it not be? He is the other half of her parents and should be as capable of looking after her on his own as you would be.

For example, if your Mum wanted to spend her birthday going on a mini-cruise, having spa treatments, and wanted to treat her daughter/s... everyone on here would be saying "yay, go for it"...

I think as someone else just said, it is the location that has made the difference here. If your husband had come home and said he was going climbing a mountain for a week, I bet those who are saying it is unfair on you would have much different opinions.

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:19

Sharrie - you make me blush!

Grin
captainbarnacle · 14/11/2011 09:20

Pictish speaks the truth.

You are being über-precious.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:21

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Chrysanthemum5 · 14/11/2011 09:23

Yes they have got 4 months to work it out, but he's not doing that is he? He's just announced it's happening and that's it.

Personally, I wouldn't mind DH having a holiday with his parents and siblings for a special occasion, and I wouldn't want to take a toddler to New York, but that's not the point. I would expect DH to be willing to discuss a decision with me rather than just announcing it. And I would say the same if it were the other way round.

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:27

It so is Sharrie - back out into the garden with me!

Grin
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