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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:52

Wow, all good points so far - as always - two sides. I'm going to have another read through and then sleep on it.

Thanks all for taking the time to comment on this - it helps to have all your perspectives.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/11/2011 23:52

So then wind your neck in.

I see nothing wrong with his mum wanting to spend her 60th in the company of her kids alone. It's a one off. No big deal.

What quintessentialshadow says is a good point as well. If you and dd go too, then it becomes all about a toddlers schedule rather than about his mum's wishes. Leave it be and wish them well I say.

Tigerbomb · 13/11/2011 23:52

I suppose it depends on a few things such as who else was invited, who was paying etc.

Do you have a good relationship with your inlaws? If you do then yes I would be miffed that I wasn't invited but I wouldn't be angry that my DH was going without me. It is his parents after all

I would be bloody furious if my inlaws invited me to be honest. The last thing I would want to do is spend a week with them

NeverTalksToStrangers · 13/11/2011 23:53

It won't be cheap to go to NY, and so it's a bit rude to expect you to be happy enough for DH to get a holiday without you getting one too. IYKWIM. ( A girl I know was pissed off when her hubby had to go to vegas for a stag do because it meant they couldn't afford a holiday together that year).

Regardless of this, if my DH was invited to a family do that I wasn't allowed to I would def be annoyed (although spending time with my inlaws drives me nuts).

RealLifeIsForWimps · 13/11/2011 23:53

I would be delighted, as I'd say "Great, so when you get back you can look after DD for a week while I head off to [insert destination of desire] with my friends"

I don't think NY for a week would be much fun with a toddler tbh. The babysitting would financially cripple you apart from anything else. I'd just store it up in the major favour bank.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 13/11/2011 23:54

Also, give him shopping list for stuff like jeans which are way cheaper there

Hissy · 13/11/2011 23:54

If I were invited to an event, it would be automatically assumed that my spouse and child would go. You are not a sodding boy/girlfriend! You are his WIFE and the mother of their sodding grandchild.

Your 'D'H better start talking....

If they can't afford to invite you (your child would cost a nominal amount as she is under 2) then the party should not be arranged.

I took DS there aged 21 months, for 10 days, he had a BLAST! there is lots of stuff to do, and the people of NY are WONDERFUL with kids, so helpful on the subway, so friendly, it's a great place to take small ones!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 13/11/2011 23:56

I think YABU. If I said to my DH that my Mum wanted me to go to New York with her...he would be thrilled for me. I woud be fine with my DH going on a special hol with his Mum....parents don't stop wanting to be with their DC when they grow up.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/11/2011 23:57

I am sure there are lots of stuff for kids to do in New York, as there are in London, but that is not what attracts Ops mil, I bet! I dont think she want to go to softplay, aquariums, and the like so that her grandchild can have a blast for her 60th.... Wink

squeakytoy · 13/11/2011 23:57

But Hissy, it isnt about the child, it is the mothers 60th birthday and she wants to spend it with her husband and two children.

Just because your child gets married, it doesnt stop you still being a mother to that person.

I went away with my Mum for a few days after I had got married. My husband had no problems with that at all.

pigletmania · 13/11/2011 23:57

Its not a day out, its a week or so, yes OP has a right to feel hurt and upset. She is married to her dh, and is therefore family and so should be included. Her dh is behaving like a tit refusing to discuss it and going in a huff about it. You know where his priorities lie then!

Hissy · 13/11/2011 23:57

Babysitting? why? if the family rented a large apt to share for the week (way cheaper than a hotel) you can eat/order in. The others can go out if need be, but you can choose to stay home.

I'd be seriously losing respect for any family that even gave this idea momentary headspace.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 13/11/2011 23:58

Why Hissy? Do people stop being individuals completely once they're married?

Original poster
FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:59

lol, favour bank taking deposits!

I though I'd got on great with the inlaws for the past 18/19 years.

And if they'd invited me I'd probably have declined anyway - I just feel so hurt and excluded - so it was useful to talk it through with you guys.

BTW - pictish (if that is your real name ;-) ) - not sure that "wind your neck in was really necessary" I think I've been pretty reasonable so far.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/11/2011 23:59

I know...all this 'he is married' business. So fucking what he's married. he's a son too! Get over yourselves wives!

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 00:00

Babysitting? why? if the family rented a large apt to share for the week (way cheaper than a hotel) you can eat/order in. The others can go out if need be, but you can choose to stay home

Why should they though? Again that is basing the holiday around the needs of the child, rather than the wishes of the person who is celebrating their birthday. Perhaps they want the luxury of a hotel, I certainly would.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:00

At the end of the day I could not stop him, going but I would not help my feelings sorry I would not! In our family it does not work like that, we do things together. I come from a Mediterranean family, so in this case we would go over as one big family, siblings and their partners and children.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2011 00:00

Yep, that is what the mil want for her 60th. Sharing a family friendly flat for all, rather than fine dining in posh clothes, theatre trips and concerts... pmsl.

How would the op feel if she ended up in the hotel room with the toddler night after night, so as not to ruin it for the others? Will she start arguing that SHE want to go out too? Kick up a fuss about the cost of babysitting, and finding a baby sitter they TRUST? Or insist that her husband stay home with baby so she can go out too?

Can of worms.....

You are better off staying home, and graciously let them go and be happy for them.

pictish · 14/11/2011 00:01

Sorry - it's a much used phrase up here in Edinburgh, never especially meant as an attack...just a mild 'ach wind yer neck in' or 'haud yer whisht!'

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 14/11/2011 00:01

Right Squeaky it's not the OPs holiday...its the MILS and she wants her kids....why not?

Backinthebox · 14/11/2011 00:02

To put another spin on it - I have just been to a family occasion organised to celebrate an event in my husband's family. It was expected that I would go and was requested to bring my children, 4yo and 14mo, although I was of the opinion it was an unsuitable event for my children. I spent an evening with 2 tired and fractious children after spending 4 hours in a car to get there. Then I had about 6 hrs sleep in an uncomfortable hotel room before spending another 3 hrs in a car with increasing annoyed and bothered children. I would have loved to have been excluded! Especially as I had to miss my sports club's annual ball to go to the family do. I'd be counting myself lucky!

hester · 14/11/2011 00:03

I honestly wouldn't be offended by this. i'm slightly bemused by the idea that once you are married you must be treated as a single unit for all occasions.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:04

Look at it another way, your MIL probably thought that would would not enjoy it with 2 young children and it would be too much so did not invite you to it.

Hissy · 14/11/2011 00:06

Squeaky, but this is her GRANDCHILD FFS!

Oh, I get it. 60 right? Oh the 'i'm too young to be a grandmother' shame on her line. I HATE that more than this snubbing of her own child's baby and his wife.

There is no way on EARTH my mother would not have my DS as part of her celebrations, never. That is what family is, it's about generations, it's about passing on the name/bloodline. Taking the little one to FAO Schwartz and watching her face light up, taking her for a spin on Toys R Us wheel, and also fine dining, river trips, Central Park etv

This trip is not about the child, it's about a celebration of a woman's 60th birthday, she wants to invite her family. Of course! HOWEVER, Her family, up until this event, included her son and his daughter, and naturally the woman that bore him that daughter Hmm

This woman should be ashamed of herself, to be so exclusive, and DH ought to have said something right there and then and not mentioned it/accepted any invitation until the event was more inclusive of his family.

No wonder OP is mortally offended, she has every bloody right to be.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 14/11/2011 00:07

It's obviously something that is seen very differently....there are happy couples who literally do nothing without one another and oters who have great relationships too and yet can live quite independant lives...

I just can't understand not living your own life once you're married with DC....