Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

[FanjoTootie]

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

I'd be upset at the implication that I wasn't part of the family.

I just can't imagine my lovely MIL excluding me like OP's has done - she has always treated me as a daughter, and likes nothing better than to have ALL her family around her; her husband, children, children's spouses and grandchildren.

havnt read whole thread but personally i would be very very offended and hurt by this

What BeadSkinWoolies said.

Or Bearskinwoolies sorry Bear

That's ok BlastOff - it's given me a great idea for a festive name change!

Doesn't really matter where it is, but a WEEK for a 60 yr old to celebrate her birthday??? Strikes me as very self centred.

And no way would my dh go in these circumstances. I am absolutely with th OP about feeling excluded. Far too much of annual leave (which affects the whole family - 2 adults and 2 kids in this case).

I would be livid because your DH is not recognising that you and your child is his family and first priority now, not his mother. Decisions about travel go through you first. I say this as the wife whose DH travels a lot and also has the odd week away which is fit in around DH travels. Now we have a child neither of us spend a night away without discussing and planning beforehand.

DH would kill me if I went off on holiday for the week and left him with the baby. The only reason I make it through the week on my own is that I am in work 3 days a week and DD is in daycare and goes to bed after we get home. Getting us both out of the house in the morning is a nightmare. I get up at 5am to walk the dog, get myself and DD ready, get DD to daycare for 8am and me to work shortly after. When I get to work I have a 5min break to recover!

Apologies - I've not read all the replies so if I repeat what everyone else has said, ignore me.

I think the issue is that you're simply being told you're not going along, that only your DH is being invited and his trip is being paid for. That would stick in my craw.

You and DH are a unit. You should be considered together as a unit.

It would have been different, wouldn't it, if you'd been told by your DH "Mum wants to go to NYC for her 60th, but she only wants FIL, me and DSis to go with her. She wants to party it up in NYC with her husband and her kids. I know that's not entirely fair to you, as I get to piss off to NYC for a week of fun, while you're being left at home, literally holding the baby, by yourself for a week. I'd really like to go. What do you think, given that it's a one-off for my mum's 60th. To make it fair, when I get back, we will arrange for you to have the same amount of time off to go and do something really fun and I'll stay home with the baby."

But it doesn't sound like that's what you were told.
It sounds like you were told "that's what Mum wants, that's what she's going to have, I'm going, you're not, deal with it, by yourself, at home with the baby, for a week".

That would have had me livid, too. So, if I've got it right, YADNBU.

I should think after a week of his parents' company DH will be ecstatic to get back to his very tolerant DW and greatly missed DC.

But DW should make the most of the situation and arrange a weekend to a spa hotel with best friend or similar whilst DH babysits in return.

It's clearly the attitude rather than not going that's the issue. Could it have been that you dh was just so excited it all came out wrong?

I think it's reasonable that he goes with his family to New York without you, OP. A couple isn't joined at the hip and what on earth would your children get out of such a trip at their age?

Plan a trip for you, DCs and DH to enjoy by yourselves at a later date.

Yanbu
Can't believe your Dh would go without you!
And I am at the posters who are suggesting its Dh's family so therefore ok to spend it without you!

I think I would feel somewhat aggrieved if by now I wasn't considered family as well, tbh! You've been together nearly 2 decades - that's good enough, surely? Or is there some magic point at, say, 25 years when you are finally deemed good enough to be family?

I think that's what would stick in my craw. And my DH not considering that it might be hurtful to me to be excluded, along with our child, his DM's Grandchild, who is after all real family. Still, could have been worse - your DC could have been invited without you - that would really suck!

I don't understand the 'a couple should do things separately/aren't joined at the hip/need their own lives' argument in this case. The OP's DH isn't going for a week away with his friends, but with his family. His family includes his wife and child - I don't see how not including them in a family event isn't a snub.

OP, I think you have every right to be hurt, but don't take it personally. It sounds like your MIL is being a bit diva-ish about her birthday celebrations rather than deliberately nasty. Have a nice week away by yourself some time soon and don't dwell on it.

One other thought - you mentioned that your SIL has a 'boyfriend' who isn't going - I take it from the term boyfriend rather than DP or whatever that it's a newish relationship? Could it be that MIL doesn't want him along (understandably if he's not really family yet and she perhaps doesn't know him that well) and is worried that if she invites you but not him her daughter will be put out? It's a clumsy way of doing things, but maybe in her head she's trying to be 'fair' to both children and just hasn't thought about how it might affect you.

I agree with Jacksmania, it sounds like a bit of a fait accomplis, and I woudl be upset about that mainly. It's a bit difficult for me to empathize too much on this one as dh's mother died just after her 50th birthday and dh hardly speaks to his father. I'd actually like for him to spend more time with his family. But maybe not a week when I was looking after a toddler!

My parents recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and paid for all of us to spend a week with them (a big deal as both my sister and I live overseas with our children). Which was wonderfully generous, but what they wanted to do. If they had chosen to do something completely different that would be fine too because it was their celebration.

I think choosing to just have your children and not the wider family is a little odd, but different people choose different ways to celebrate (just look at the wedding threads for proof). I do think that the dh should have told the OP what his mother had suggested and asked if that was OK with her, indeed given their long association perhaps the MIL should have spoken directly to the OP. There might be good reasons for her wishes that would make her feel quite differently.

I'd be annoyed, but at DH, not MIL (I might be a bit hurt, and it sounds as though she's being a bit of a diva, but I can see that if you want to go to New York for your birthday a toddler doesn't improve things). It's the being told that's what's happening rather than having any discussion first that would wind me up, because I'd have to take a week's leave that I might have preferred to use for other things, and if it wasn't at a convenient time I'd potentially be inconveniencing colleagues as well.

How annoyed it's reasonable to be would depend on what the DH's attitude would be if OP similarly announced that she's taking off for a week and assumed her DH would look after DD or sort out the childcare!

Your DH's role as your child's father trumps that of his mother'a son. This arrangement is rude, presumptuous and selfish.

FFS the dh is going to NY for a week not the Antartic for 6 mths,i dont see any problem in the mil wanting to take her grown up children on holiday.
Maybe she is planning a long weekend away for everyone when they get back?

I wouldn't exclude my DIL, SIL or GC from any of our family celebrations. I'm lucky that I have plenty of opportunities to see my adult DCs alone if necessary but I wouldn't have thought that my birthday was that time. I can't imagine how hurt I'd have been if my MIL had done such a thing.

I would have preferred it if DH had discussed it with me, but I really don't think either he or the mil are being unreasonable. Mil has 4 sons, and I could imagine one of them doing something like this for her. DH would prob be a bit at using a week's holiday up in this way, but other than that, as it is paid for I think you would be being unreasonable to get too stroppy about this.

If other spouses were going then maybe.

Hmmm I have been pondering this one.

Is she possessive of your dh? Does she baby or mummy her adult dc? Does she exclude from other events or in conversation?

Overall, it seems odd to me that MIL has made this decision. It's not unreasonable for dh to go as it's not that long and it's what his mum wants. But I can't imagine my MIL wanting to go away with just their two grown up kids. She would far rather have the whole family and grandkids in the equation.

Exclude you from other events etc, I meant

I agree bear could not have put it better myself. So this has happened, no discussion, no concern from op dh, the op has the audacity to be upset and hurt, and the dh gets all huffy about it! I tell you, I would not be happy if this was sprung on my and was expect to suck it up, of course I would not stop dh, but I would not be happy!

You know what, you can make this work for you. You can feel hurt AND be happy for them and wish them well. Feeling hurt dosent mean you have to react.
It sounds like a one off special birthday event for your MIL, it wont be happening again and I think you can let the feelings wash over you.

I suggest like other posters here that you open an account at the favour bank! Make a list for your DH that reads as follows.
One gift for DD for every day you are away and one gift for me every day you are away.
List US stores and brands, go online and make a list of items.
In 5 Years time when DD is old enough to be left for a week with family baby sitting you both go to NY for a week. (which will be way more fun than being on MIL's schedule) When he gets back from this trip make sure you have a few days/a week/ days out without DD and go and do something fun for you.
Deal Done and look foward to it.