Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

[FanjoTootie]

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

I agree Cruella.

Do you mean 'wind her neck in' like the OP is not allowed to express her opinion maisie? Surely if her Dh comes home and tells her he is going on holiday without her for a week and then goes off in a huff because she is not hanging out the bunting for him, he should behave more sensitively too? It's the being told that would piss me off. There's nothing wrong with old-fashioned courtesy.

I agree with helpmabob. Perhaps some of you here have children that sleep, and so don't mind too much doing childcare on your own 24 hours a day for a week. Mine are bloody hard work and even though I could manage on my own, I would like some recognition of the favour that I was granting. And the acknowledgement that I would deserve a break of my own afterwards.

When you get married, your in-laws become an extra set of parents and you become their daughter. End of. My DH and I have both lost all our precious parents, but we discussed this tonight and were unanimous in that we believed they would NEVER have acted so divisively. It is such bad form on the part of your in-laws. You should be treated as their daughter - you are married to their son and have given them a grandchild. They need to grow up, stop being so selfish and include you ALL in a celebration they can be a part of. FFS! Why wouldn't your MIL want to include her grandchild in her celebrations? Our mothers would've given their right arms to be a part of their grandkids' lives but they never had the chance? She needs a wake up call. Sorry!

I'm sorry but my ILs are NOT the same as my family. I think it is very odd to think that on marriage you automatically should start to love people you might well not otherwise chose to hang out with at all. It is great if your ILs become friends, but you really have very little in common, and sometimes you just may not get along. You aren't marrying your partner's parents or their wider family after all.

My ILS wanted my DH and SIL and MIL to have a holiday together (without me or the baby) for her 60th birthday. My DH was to pay for most of it and they were going to Egypt to see the pyramids! I felt exactly as you do. They had not discussed it with me, just sprung it on my DH, who felt obliged to say yes! I discussed it with him and explained how I felt (just as you do, mainly hurt and a bit jealous) and also that we hadn't had a holiday yet, planning to do work on the house, and I felt that before he paid for them to go away, we should go away as a family. My DH agreed and took on the full might of his DS (who was furious with me!), but they made other arrangements and it has all worked out ok, there was a huge family row in which I was accused of all things, two Christmases ago, but I think they now see that it is important for young families to spend time together to establish themselves and that the MIL cannot still call the tune for her grown up DS!

Not easy, but imo, worth fighting for!

All you people that are saying that the DW should not have to be left on her own with the children for a week.... how do you think single parents manage? It's laughable, really!

When you get married, your in-laws become an extra set of parents and you become their daughter. End of

Nonsense. Maybe for some...but for the majority, no.

Agree Pictish.

You become the daughter in law when you marry, not a daughter to another woman. I am my parent's daughter only.

The OP has one child. Honestly, if you cannot cope for one week with 1 child without your DH being there then you have serious problems (unless the child has serious SNs which is not the case for the OP). What if they went away with work, or were in hospital - or left you? Grow up and manage your own child (and god help you if you ever have more than one)

MIL's (and parents in general) do not need to include their grandchildren (that you have 'given' them - wtaf??) in everything that they do. Hell, I don't want to include my children in everything I do - it's perfectly possible to adore your children and grandchildren without wanting to spend every special occasion.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the posts on her

My MILs would like me to address them as Mum and Dad. I'm sorry but no. Just no. I have a Mum and Dad!

It's just basic good manners, if you want someone to do your share of the work (child care) for a week, to ask, not take it for granted that they will.

In households where finances are shared, a trip to NY will cost money that would otherwise have been in the family pot. Its rude and selfish for one person to spend that money on something from which the other partner is excluded and not even ask if that's okay.

In a partnership, no one should be saying " I will be doing X and you have to cover my responsibilities for that week and not object to the money it will cost, even though it's our money. And by the way, you are not invited." Just plain rude.

I don't get this idea that IL's become like your own parents. I have a mum and dad and that's quite enough for me. My IL's are my husband and dc family, not really mine.

The OP has one child. Honestly, if you cannot cope for one week with 1 child without your DH being there then you have serious problems (unless the child has serious SNs which is not the case for the OP). What if they went away with work, or were in hospital - or left you? Grow up and manage your own child (and god help you if you ever have more than one)

Hear, hear maisie

And another great comment "I would like some recognition of the favour that I was granting"

WTF ?? Looking after your own children is not granting a "favour", it is called BEING A PARENT !!!

My DH and I do the odd thing apart ... if I have a weekend away my DH gladly looks after the household and our children. When I come back, he doesn't look for PAYBACK.

FFS people, it is entirely possible to have a fantastic family AND still have the ability to do things alone as individuals.

From what I gather, the OP is indicating this is a ONE OFF. My viewpoint would be different if DH spent every other weekend off on jolly's and having regular holidays with friends and family.

Not sure what (if anything) is actually going on with the situation posed here. OP and 'DW' have left.

My DH and I have financial and emotionally parity. Whilst I am happy for him to go away for the weekend, a week would be very difficult. Expecting my OH to be considerate does not mean I cannot cope.

As thepollydoll says 'viewpoint would be different if DH spent every other weekend off on jolly's and having regular holidays'. My OH is considerate and we agree about spending time time from each other. I have two friends that say they cannot arrange childcare/afford to socialise. Both friends are entirely happy for their OHs to go to football every week, out with the 'lads', golfing weekends a few times a year and a week away. That's the way their marriages work and they clearly think their OHs are entitled to free time and £ than they are. Each to their own.

I think the MIL is being unreasonable and selfish. She might want to exclude her children's partners and her grandchild and go off on hols with only her own children like how she used to, but fact is that her son also has a family now, and has expanded her family and they need to be included in celebrations or whatever else.

If my mum wanted to exclude my DH/DS from her birthday like that, she would be told to fuck off. But she wouldn't do that.

I totally agree with Wanksock ^^. Its rude and big plans should be discussed with your partner (especially since the OP will be left behind to deal with everything else that week) and not decided without their imput.

Why is it so hard to see that this is not about the OP or her and DC being "excluded" ... it is about a one off celebration that MIL wants to do for a special birthday.

There is no mention that as a general rule MIL tries to monopolise her DS's time at celebrations or that she goes out of her way to "exclude" her DIL or GC from family gatherings/events.

It appears to be a one-off thing.

It's amazing how it's MIL's birthday yet so many people are jumping on the "she's so selfish" bandwagon, "poor OP and DC".

It's her birthday and she has the right to want to celebrate it how she wants to celebrate it. This is not about OP and DC.

MIL is paying for the trip and probably cannot afford to take along the whole extended family. So, what, she should give up a once-in-a-lifetime dream and arrange her whole birthday around others ??

I think the discussion bit is the main point. If you only have 2 weeks' annual holiday for eg, using one week of that for a non-family holiday would wind me up.

Our youngest was 5 weeks when I took her to New York for the first time, but I entirely agree that with kids it's a different kind of break. If my dh came home and told me he was doing this, I'd be more furious than you could imagine. Would possibly even move out. No-one tells me what we're doing. If he discussed it in a proper way, however, I'd probably give him my blessing and put in an order for my favourite stores. I had 3 under 3 and a dh working abroad, so I know it's easy enough to cope at home.

PersonallyI'd rather stay at home pulling my toe nails out than go to the end of the street with any of my in laws. That's after I've been with dh for 28 years. It's not all sunshine and light.

Actually, we're taking dd1 to NY (1st class thanks to Air Miles) for her 18th - would never have considered just telling others we had booked it. Only did it with their agreement and after discussion.

When I got married, although they didn't state it explicitly, it was quite clear that my PILs wanted me to call them Mum and Dad. No way was I doing that. Much as I love my ILs, I'll never consider them immediate family in the same way that I do with my own mum