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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2011 00:07

Bollocks Hissy.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 14/11/2011 00:08

i just hope in 35 years time that i could spend a few days with my DC ( just them) without partners and the grandchildren.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2011 00:09

Oh dont be so stuck in the fifties, Hissy. The op is much more than just a wife, a daughter in law and womb. She is a person in her own right. She is not joined to the hip of her husband! They are a family, but not a homogeneous unit! She is still somebodys daughter, like HE is somebodys son.

It is the Mils birthday, SHE wants to spend it with her husband and adult children, and she pays. Why ever not?

The grandchild is probably a lot happier that he is not in New York to be honest!

Original poster
FanjoTootie · 14/11/2011 00:09

Lots of views - thanks everybody.

Going to try and sleep on it and will check back in the morning.

nn & thanks it's really helped.

OP posts:
LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 14/11/2011 00:09

What would bug me here is having it announced to me fait accompli. As in "I am I am going whether you want me to or not". I HATE it when someone does that.

If you were to go it impacts you as a family unit. If you don't go, it impacts you as a family unit (since I assume it's going to be you looking after a 19 month old all week on your own). Would have been nice of him to broach a bit more diplomatically.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2011 00:10

FanjoTootie, Greebo is fine, thanks for asking. He's off on the pillage rampage as I type.
Grin
I don't understand some aggressive responses to the OP, she did only ask what everyone thought. She didn't threaten to put her husband's clothes in binbags on the doorstep, or leave him or anything.
I think he could have come home and discussed the matter, not just told her. It's not just the money (or the rudeness) it's the thought. Does he just assume that his wife will take care of their dc whilst he gives her no thought?
And it's not a long weekend in Skegness, it's a week in New York.

I just think when your children marry, your family grows. I don't understand excluding people.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:11

hissy that is exactly what happens in our family, any joyous celebration or landmark birthday we celebrate togther as a whole family as to us in the Med its what family is about, being together. Of course once you get married you do not stop being your own person in your own right, but a landmark birthday like a 60th is seen by us as a family event to celebrate together. My MIL who celebrated her 60's would have been mortified not to have her children, IL and grandchildren there with her.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2011 00:11

Looking after ones own child for a week on your own is fine. It is not a big deal.
He should not have to ask permission, and neither does she, is SHE would want to leave her child and go with her parents or friends to some holiday or event.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:12

It seems a very English thing to do this kind of thing that the op MIL has done. I know another friend of mine, who is going away with her parents, and brothers (no partners). which I find strange.

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 00:13

Maybe OPs MIL is going to have a family party at home too, to celebrate. But so far, she has decided she wants to go to NY, and she wants to take her two children. The children that she raised and spent a good part of her life raising, long before they met their partners.

Sounds reasonable enough to me.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2011 00:13

And in my family a trip to New York would be a Big Thing and if there were only to be some of us going it would be discussed, not a fait accompli.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:14

for her birthday I might add.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 14/11/2011 00:14

my husband don't need my approval to spend time with his mother.

if he came home and said i am going to NY with my mums for a few days, i would say have fun and don't forget a present

RealLifeIsForWimps · 14/11/2011 00:14

Babysitting? why? if the family rented a large apt to share for the week (way cheaper than a hotel) you can eat/order in.

Yeah, that's why I go to NY......to order in.....

Hissy · 14/11/2011 00:15

A rental apartment in NYC is WAY more luxurious than a hotel.

Hotels in the city are cramped and mega bucks, a large apartment has suites, spilt levels and service if you need it. My mum paid $300+ a night for her hotel and you couldn't swing a bag in there. If the party members paid the same for an apartment, you'd get something huge and more than adequate for what is a family event.

There is no reason why the presence of OP and her child would impede on the MIL and her family going out. Any normal human being would want to include their grandchildren in a celebration.

My dad didn't make space for us to see him on his 70th, he went off for a slap up weekend with his OWDW and her family/GC, we got the last minute invite of a lunch at some chain italian (not even a decent one). I've been NC since the summer.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 00:15

Exactly Nanny its hardly a few days in the Lakes is it? It is a big holiday, and it should have been discussed by op dh with the op.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 14/11/2011 00:15

But that's YOUR MIL Piglet not everyone is all about extended family...they're just not....whatever the "ideal" is, doesn't exist...it's different for everyone.

This MIL wants her immediate family....blood famly...who knows, she may be feeling a bit delicate about urning 60....maybe she wants quality time with her kids....I am sure I will want that with mine when they're grown up.

pictish · 14/11/2011 00:22

Well...I hope my kids can be prised apart from their spouses to spend some quality time with me when I'm 60. I am liking the sound of that celebration.
Me and my kids. Lovely.

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 14/11/2011 00:23

Looking after one's own child for a week is no big deal for some people. But I personally didn't enjoy having to do it much when my child was that age, when I was juggling with working and she was waking up at 4.30 am every day. And all the while my then DP was off in NY (admittedly for work, but still emailing me to tell me about all the nice dinners he was going to and the shopping he was enjoying. Really, it's a bit crap for the person left behind and left out.

It's not a question of obtaining approval or getting permission- it's about a bit of mutual respect for your partner in making plans,

KatieMiddIeton · 14/11/2011 00:27

Think of it as a lucky escape. I can honestly think of nothing worse than time away with the in laws.

pictish · 14/11/2011 00:27

My dh can go off to NY with his mum any time he likes. I wouldn't dream of sticking my oar in and saying 'but I'm your wife!' like some of you seem to think is the way to go.
He was a son looooong before he was a husband. Get over it laydeeez.

CardyMow · 14/11/2011 00:29

Blood family - Surely the OP's dc IS this woman's blood family??!!

If I was in a relationship and I was invited to something with one of my own family members without my husband I woul be telling my family that either we were all invited or none of us came. But then MY family wouldn't do this.

However - this is exactly what my Ex-MIL was like - wanting to spend 50% of Ex-P's 'free time' off work with Ex-P...without me. Pffft. One of the biggest things that drove a wedge between Ex-P and I, was his mentalist mother.

When my 3 DS's are grown up and are in serious relationships - I will NOT exclude my DIL's like this, or my (future) DGC. I would actively WANT them all to be at any celebration of my Birthday. And I would be happy to arrange the celebration to be in a place that was sensible for whatever age my DGC were at the time. I can't understand why anyone wouldn't. Your DIL and DGC are just as much a part of your family as your adult DC, surely?

OP - YANBU to be pissed off. YANBU to be miffed that you weren't invited, YANBU to be miffed that your 'D'H told rather than asked you if this was OK (shows where his priorities lie).

CopperLocs · 14/11/2011 00:46

Sorry if this has already been mentioned and I've missed it, but i think it's also a possibility that she hasn't invited OP because she cant afford to pay for her and the LO as well. She might feel bad expecting OP to cover the expense for herself while DHs is already covered?

Just a thought...

pinkstarlight · 14/11/2011 01:13

my daughter has been with her boyfriend for years as much as i like him, i still want to spend time with my dd on her own sometimes.

the mum is 60 it might have been a lifelong dream to go to newyork with her grown up children for a adult holiday,something she could never have afforded to do when her children was younger.

its a one off let him go but remind him it works two ways,im a single mum my own mum is getting older i would love to go off for a weekend without kids and spend some quality time with my mum,you could do the same.

Bearskinwoolies · 14/11/2011 02:37

So- the OP's dh has come home and told her that he is going to NY with his family to celebrate his dm's birthday (isn't his wife and dc his family too?) No discussion, no "sorry but she can't afford to pay for you too", no concern about leaving his dw and dd for a week while he's off swanning around NY.

Doesn't matter who's birthday it is, I wouldn't just present such a fait accompli to my dh and expect him to suck it up. He would have every right to question what was going on, especially when it's presented in such a manner.
The OP doesn't mention if she's a SAHM or if she needs to find childcare whilst he's away.

YANBU

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