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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 22:29

Yes you have! How do you feel?

Grin
BluddyMoFo · 14/11/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/11/2011 22:38

I can't believe they didn't invite you! And they should pay for you too - you are family.

Whether or not you want to go is a totally different matter.

I would be livid. I love NY!

Stupify64 · 14/11/2011 22:40

Maybe, you're not alone. Am so confused am no longer sure that the Earth is flat and I won't fall off the edge some day. I thought I'd got a grip on who was doing what, with whom & for how long but it looks like I'll never know. Maybe no-one was going anywhere with anybody. Ever.

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/11/2011 22:41

I can understand why they may want to make it adults only, but I can't understand why they would exclude you. Could no-one else mind the children while you are away?

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 22:44

I went abroad to celebrate my mums 60th. She paid for me and DD1, but DH stayed home with toddler DD2. Wasn't an issue for any of us tbh

That would pass the MNet general seal of approval though, because it is your mother, not your MIL.. Wink

Stupify64 · 14/11/2011 22:58

I don't understand why MILs are all portrayed to be such scheming witches. They can't all be as bad as my (ex) MIL was Grin

Stupify64 · 14/11/2011 23:01

Did anyone notice that that was my first smiley/grumpy face thing?

pictish · 14/11/2011 23:11

"If this situation happened to me it would go something like this

DP - when it's my mum's birthday next year, she wants to pay for me, dad and sister to have a shindig in New York
Me - you lucky bastard - what a lovely idea

NOT

DP - please can I go to new York with mum
Me - no you selfish sonofabitch, your place is HERE with ME and our CHILDREN as we take precedence now"

I bloody concur. There are some scary people out there!

BluddyMoFo · 14/11/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasper · 14/11/2011 23:25

I bloody concur too Pictish

Thruaglassdarkly · 14/11/2011 23:28

My DH didn't want me to go to his dad's funeral with him and that was in NY, on account that we had a child the same age as yours and were moving house the following week. He wanted to just go, focus on his dad and come home quickly. I was a bit sad not to be at such a key family event but I deferred to him out of respect and practicality. But that was his father's funeral - totally different to a birthday party, which is a fun family event. How can they NOT invite you??? Most rude - I wouldn't like it. YANBU to be miffed one bit.

pictish · 14/11/2011 23:29

God don't. It's not even funny.
Isla is probably a real person who thinks she's quite within her rights.
I despair.

jasper · 14/11/2011 23:35

I wish MIL would take dh off to New York for a week

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 15/11/2011 02:11

I agree with those who say you and your DH are a unit now and should be invited together (not inviting a small child might be acceptable depending on the itinerary). If they can't afford to pay for their children's spouses to attend then they should be having a celebration that they can afford.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 15/11/2011 02:17

I suspect the convo went like this

MIL "So, your father and I and Dsis are off to NY in a few months for that trip I've wanted to do my entire life."
DH "How come Dsis is invited and I'm not?"
MIL Well because it's not really a holiday that's suitable for toddlers, so I figured you wouldn't be able to come"
DH- Well I'll come. DW can stay in UK with DD
MIL- well, if you're sure she won't mind I'll pay for you
DH- yeah, she'll be fine with it.

squeaver · 15/11/2011 09:27

Me too, jasper, me too.

pictish · 15/11/2011 10:26

The we-are-a-family-and-must-regarded-as-a-unit-no-matter-what people give me the ick factor.

I am a wife, and a mother, yes....but I am also Iona with my own friends, my own interests, and my own agenda, and I am so glad to be married to someone who not only 'allows' me that freedom, but who also actively celebrates my individuality and respects me for holding on to it.

If they can't afford to pay for their children's spouses to attend then they should be having a celebration that they can afford

YUCK! Imagine thinking that your wedding ring gives you a say in how your parents in law choose to celebrate their noteable occasions!

"I'm not invited...so YOU won't be going either!"

Ugh!

The best quote I ever heard regarding love was this one:

"Love is not about gazing inwardly at one another, but about looking outwards in the same direction together"

There was no soldering iron at my wedding ceremony.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 10:52

I don't get the unitoids either.

Sounds a bit too Ikea for me personally.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 15/11/2011 11:30

Agree with Pictish and Dreaming

My mum couldn't have afforded to take 4 adults and 6 children to her 70th birthday spa weekend. So what - DSis were supposed to pass this opportunity up, deny her the pleasusre of doing something she'd always wanted to do, and instruct her to alter her plans to include the husbands and children because "we are a unit"??

To hell with that! Are some people so self-centred they would actually think this is an appropriate way to behave with the host? Shock

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 15/11/2011 11:31

DSis and I

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 15/11/2011 11:32

Grin at reallife

pictish you are making me laugh on this thread Grin

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 15/11/2011 11:38

I have also just really laughed at

"Quite frankly if my husband decided to go knowing I was not invited I would be furious and tell him to let his Mum know that he would only come if I was invited too. She sounds very controlling."

I understand that lots of MILs are absolute controlling and vile women (my ex-MIL was such a person) but from what is written in the OP this doesn't seem like that.

Plus, what kind of wife do you want to be. Someone who happily waves their husband off to do something nice with someone else in appropriate circumstances, or someone who clings on and never lets them do anything which has not been expressly approved and sanctioned by you?

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 15/11/2011 11:45

I think YABU. If I was his mum I would be thinking:

  1. Would love to do this, but finances would dictate that I limit the number of people invited. Its not like just inviting people round for a meal to their house after all, it will be very expensive.
  1. I would have an idea of places I wanted to go for my 60th. And I know that those would probably be unsuitable for a very young child. So I would be left tossing up whether I have the birthday I want and that I and my DH are paying for or have a birthday doing things more suitable for a very young child.

tbh I would opt for what she is doing. I think it would be unfair to invite you and your DC and then do things that are not suitable for your DC. I also think this would cause real tension. So the toss up would actually be do I do what I want or what my DG would want? And given its her 60th I think its fine to do what she wants.