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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't believe I'm reacting this way! I hardly ever cry! :(

215 replies

imsosad · 07/11/2011 17:51

This is a real AIBU, I really don't know if I am or not.

So I'm sat here crying. Not sobbing, but tears rolling down my face as I go about my day. What you need to know is that I hardly ever cry and am not at all emotional. I feel hurt....a lot more than I'd have expected for me.

I guess I'd start with telling you all that I thought my DH forgot our anniversary. He normally has flashes of thoughtfulness and can be quite romantic when he wants to be. Everyone who knows us would say what a wonderful husband he is. So I was surprised by that in itself.

It is a milestone anniversary. We promised each other when we got married that if we did nothing else all year long, we'd always make a big deal and have a real celebration on our anniversary - and we always have, unfailingly, for years. It is always the highlight of my year.

So at first, I thought it was part of a plan for a surprise. He said he was going to a sporting event with a friend of his, which I thought was a cover. Except, he really went. With all his stuff that he needed for it.

Then, I thought he actually forgot. I was really disappointed and hurt, especially as he usually spends weeks planning it. (That's really what always means so much to me, the effort he puts into planning it. He did mention something about starting to plan for it about a month ago, but never said anything after.)

Didn't take long for me to remember though, that we received anniversary cards last week which he opened and commented on. So I texted him and asked if he'd be home for dinner. He responded by telling me that he'd be home somewhere around that time, guess we'll have to go out somewhere for dinner, but it won't be really great as we don't have reservations anywhere.

If you knew my husband, that is !

I have tried to make any number of excuses in my head, but he hasn't been particularly stressed or tired or busy or anything. He just doesn't really seem to care now.

What's driving me a bit mad here is that we've dealt with so many awful things in our (many) years together, and I just "keep calm and carry on" type thing, I don't get upset like I am now. Hurt. And I sort of feel ridiculous. He didn't actually forget. He just doesn't think it's a big deal for some reason this year. :(

It's ok if you all slam me with IABU. Just maybe if you could toss in a line as to why on earth I am so hurt and what to do about it, that would help? :(

OP posts:

Hardgoing · 08/11/2011 15:48

I have had exactly this experience, preceeding one of those 'chats' and I just knew something was different, even though we arranged to go out for dinner as usual. At the time, I felt devastated as I felt like you, we were strong and certain while all around us was chaos, however looking back, we did need to reevaluate. It's easy to think you are undamaged by stress, but things do change and shift. I think it's incredibly positive that he wanted to do nice stuff (but it didn't work out) and that you talked in depth, not about the romantic side of candles and flowers, but how you really are going to proceed in the future.

It kind of had to happen really (I think), it sounds like a pressure cooker all round. If you keep talking, you will be stronger.

OrmIrian · 08/11/2011 15:50

I guess it won't feel like it now but this could be a good thing. If your DH wasn't happy with things as they are (for whatever reason) it can only be a good thing that this anniversary issue has brought it to a head. And that you talked about it instead of him carrying on pretending everything was the same as before.

OrmIrian · 08/11/2011 15:52

imsosad - "I now realize though that it has also meant that we've been totally outwardly focused, just trying to deal day to day with each crisis and get to the next morning, it is a bit emotionally exhausting, iykwim. Also takes away any time and energy that you'd normally have to recuperate and focus on each other at all."

That rings a bell with me too. But the point of a strong marriage (and yours sounds strong) is that it can weather these things. Good luck.

JamieComeHome · 08/11/2011 15:55

It's horrible when things come to a head, but so necessary.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 08/11/2011 16:42

imsosad - "I now realize though that it has also meant that we've been totally outwardly focused, just trying to deal day to day with each crisis and get to the next morning, it is a bit emotionally exhausting, iykwim. Also takes away any time and energy that you'd normally have to recuperate and focus on each other at all."

That's my life!

Original poster

imsosad · 08/11/2011 18:09

Yes you are all right, there are positives. As PoppadomPreach said - "a real lesson to us all to make sure we focus on our marriages/partnerships and not just kids and life." We've walked through some challenges together for the last while and it has always been us coping with some external crisis, and though it has made us stronger, there has also been no opportunity for just "us". Emotionally exhausted was the right term. So I know that this is a good thing overall, in that it gives us a chance go focus a bit on what we need to, BEFORE there got to be an actual "problem". Haven't really articulated that very well, but hopefully it makes sense.

Yesterday/last night was tough, but I know that it was positive as today we have both expressed that we feel much closer, lots of comforting hugs. We've both been trying to "be strong" for the other through some things, when what we really needed was to just collapse into each other and allow ourselves to be tired and overwhelmed and emotional and just take an hour here and there to just be "us" for a bit, no matter what was going on around us.

Having said all that, we could really do with a crisis-free month or two!!!

OP posts:

fit2drop · 08/11/2011 19:02

I think that accidentally you have both probably given each other the best and most useful present ever. One you hopefully will remember and treasure.
The gift of insight and the knowledge that you are both important enough to deserve "time" to enjoy each other first.
Take care OP and lots of future happy memories

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 20:56

imsosad I actually think that is a good outcome. This could be one of the foundations for the next however many years of your marriage.

Perhaps it is time to rethink how you celebrate your anniversaries? A joint plan?

whethergirl · 08/11/2011 22:30

I agree with fit2drop, this really IS a happy ending and much better for your relationship than any kind of celebration.

Original poster

imsosad · 08/11/2011 23:24

Thank you, and I agree. It's actually been a rollercoaster 24 hours, but we really do feel so much closer already somehow.

Off to bed for me, I am SO tired, but had to respond to Alibaba---DH has already started to plan next year's anniversary tonight, LOL! To make it up to himself, he says!!!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 23:30

But at least you know that! What a lovely thread, I wish you all the best :)

Original poster

imsosad · 08/11/2011 23:49

Thanks! :)

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 09/11/2011 01:36

I am so pleased that it turned out like this. That it has made you talk to each other and reconnect. I actually think that it's been a good milestone anniversary - it will certainly be memorable

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 08:00

Lovely that it all turned out well.

Jacksmania · 09/11/2011 20:55

I'm so glad for you. I bet you feel exhausted. Emotional turmoil can leave you so flat. Hoping you'll have the chance to recharge a bit. :)

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