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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't believe I'm reacting this way! I hardly ever cry! :(

215 replies

imsosad · 07/11/2011 17:51

This is a real AIBU, I really don't know if I am or not.

So I'm sat here crying. Not sobbing, but tears rolling down my face as I go about my day. What you need to know is that I hardly ever cry and am not at all emotional. I feel hurt....a lot more than I'd have expected for me.

I guess I'd start with telling you all that I thought my DH forgot our anniversary. He normally has flashes of thoughtfulness and can be quite romantic when he wants to be. Everyone who knows us would say what a wonderful husband he is. So I was surprised by that in itself.

It is a milestone anniversary. We promised each other when we got married that if we did nothing else all year long, we'd always make a big deal and have a real celebration on our anniversary - and we always have, unfailingly, for years. It is always the highlight of my year.

So at first, I thought it was part of a plan for a surprise. He said he was going to a sporting event with a friend of his, which I thought was a cover. Except, he really went. With all his stuff that he needed for it.

Then, I thought he actually forgot. I was really disappointed and hurt, especially as he usually spends weeks planning it. (That's really what always means so much to me, the effort he puts into planning it. He did mention something about starting to plan for it about a month ago, but never said anything after.)

Didn't take long for me to remember though, that we received anniversary cards last week which he opened and commented on. So I texted him and asked if he'd be home for dinner. He responded by telling me that he'd be home somewhere around that time, guess we'll have to go out somewhere for dinner, but it won't be really great as we don't have reservations anywhere.

If you knew my husband, that is Shock!

I have tried to make any number of excuses in my head, but he hasn't been particularly stressed or tired or busy or anything. He just doesn't really seem to care now.

What's driving me a bit mad here is that we've dealt with so many awful things in our (many) years together, and I just "keep calm and carry on" type thing, I don't get upset like I am now. Hurt. And I sort of feel ridiculous. He didn't actually forget. He just doesn't think it's a big deal for some reason this year. :(

It's ok if you all slam me with IABU. Just maybe if you could toss in a line as to why on earth I am so hurt and what to do about it, that would help? :(

OP posts:
Shodan · 08/11/2011 07:56

Oh dear. I'm so sorry you had a rotten evening. I was so hoping it was all a cover-up for a big surprise.

At least it wasn't an awful bombshell though. And at least he was truly sorry. Maybe you can plan something lovely together for some r and r- sounds like you could both do with it.

diddl · 08/11/2011 08:01

Maybe he has been making such a big deal for years that he was wanting it to be lowkey this year & thought that you would be OK with it.

Did you at least get a card on the morning/he said Happy Anniversary as soon as you woke up?

I guess I´m happy to mark such things in a low key way, as you went out for dinner & I´m not really seeing why that doesn´t seem to be enough tbh.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/11/2011 08:16

Diddl - it's not about what they do for their anniversary, it's about the complete change in his attitude towards it. They have been together many years and it's always been 'his thing' to plan it and has taken pleasure in planning it... this year nothing. No mention of it until she rang him, then it was a 'suppose we could go out for dinner'. I'm sure if he had said beforehand I'm all out of energy for planning something big for our anniversary, let's just go out for dinner (or stay home and eat pizza) imsosad would have been fine with that, but he didn't, he just ignored it until she rang him. When there's such a huge change in something like that, it's scary. It means something :(

imsosad - hopefully as it ended in hugs and you say it's not really 'us', you can 'fix' it and it's just a bump in the road. It's still scary isn't it though, when you think everything is good and solid and realise your partner doesn't feel quite the same way x

diddl · 08/11/2011 08:23

Maybe he should have said something in advance, but thought that he would get guilted into doing something?

I don´t know-things change over the years.

I can see why OP is upset, but also feel that she´s making too much of it tbh.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 08/11/2011 08:25

SadI'm sorry you had such a rotten night op!

I hope you are able to work things out between you. Dh and I both forgot our anniversary one year. It was quite a shock when my mum called to wish us happy anniversary and it gave us both a bit of a wake up call.

We had had a period of stress and a few crises and just kind of lost each other amongst it all. Things have changed a lot since then for the better and I hope things improve for you too.

Take care.

Jajas · 08/11/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybenow · 08/11/2011 08:47

oh dear Sad it sounds like he might be a bit exhausted with life in general right now... glad you've been talking and i hope you can continue to talk and sort stuff out...

OhDoAdmit · 08/11/2011 08:50

Well one crappy anniversary may have been the catalyst for you two to start talking and being really honest about your feelings.

I hope so and that things move in a positive way from here.

Whatever you do, get some proper sleep because it will all seem so much more difficult if you are both knackered.

All the best.

Icelollycraving · 08/11/2011 08:51

Well I was crossing my fingers for you. Although it wasn't what you wanted (or have normally) it could be so much worse. It allowed you to talk,you sound a close knit family & you will pull through. At least he realises he let you down.

ViviPru · 08/11/2011 08:53

Agree with Chipping and Jajas - I don't feel you were overreacting OP.

And massive thanks for coming back to update under the circumstances.

orangeLFDThead · 08/11/2011 09:39

Im so sorry op, have a relaxing day. It is good you had a good talk, but understand your disappointment, we mae a big deal out of anniversaries too. Hope you ok

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 08/11/2011 10:49

ah OP i am so sorry.

did he say why he made the decision not to celebrate your anniversary as usual. or did he actually forget?

thatboysmum · 08/11/2011 11:22

Oh no Sad
It wasn't the night you we were hoping for but at least it wasn't as bad as you had probably imagined it might be. Not the nicest way to spend an anniversary but you did sit and talk about it all which is a good thing and he now knows how upset it made you feel.
I'm sure next years anniversary will be perfect but if not, for whatever reason, he has probably understood how to handle it better than this time round.
Could you not still celebrate this anniversary in a special way? Even if he/you cooked a nice romantic dinner at home or something?
We've done that before, just sort of erased the bad night and tried again another day. I know its not quite the same but at least you will remember that "ok, it was a bit rubbish but we made up for it" instead of how sad you felt.

whethergirl · 08/11/2011 12:17

How are you feeling imsosad? Hopefully you managed to catch up on some sleep.

I do really feel for you, when I think of you being all excited and expectant and then being let down like that my heart really goes out to you! Anyway, he sounds like he genuinely cares and loves you, and that is the most important thing. I would have thought, if you'd had a difficult year, there would be more reason than normal to make an effort, especially if it's a milestone anniversay but I think he just genuinely didn't think it through.

I think it would be nice if he made it up to you really, but if not, then you have missed out on being treated like a special lady, so if he's not going to do it, then DIY! How about you treat yourself to a nice spa day/weekend? It's really great to spoil ourselves sometimes, we underestimate the power of loving ourselves, I do it all the time as I've got no choice being single and it's quite empowering.

Conundrumish · 08/11/2011 12:27

I actually think it is a positive thing that yesterday happened for you like it did. It would be all to easy to sweep things under the carpet and for him to plan like he always has and is expected to. I am always reading on here that wives (sometimes DHs too) have just found out their partner has been having an affair, often with the line 'but we have just come back from such a lovely holiday/celebration'. At least you have emotional honesty and this has given you both a wake up call.

TheLittleFriend · 08/11/2011 12:41

Thanks for coming back to let us know op. I'm really sorry you had such a horribly emotional day yesterday. But I hope you can move on without letting it become a big issue.
The bigger picture is that you and your dh are together and love each other even though you have been through a bad few years. Yes, the way he approached your anniversary changed, but that is a small part of your whole relationship.
Take comfort in the fact that you are still happy together and will have many things to look forward to ahead, whether they happen on your anniversaries or not. Kind wishes to you and hope you are ok today.

duvetdayplease · 08/11/2011 12:46

Thanks for updating, I was thinking about you last night!

My husband and I had a series of horrible stresses and it really can take its toll.

I hope this is the start of you getting even closer, you sound like you have had plenty of good years together.

Original poster
imsosad · 08/11/2011 13:30

Yes, it is true, I was thinking it was going to be something worse, given how odd his behaviour was (for him). But it also seemed to me that whatever it was would completely blindside me as I truly think we have a great marriage, and I was quite scared about what on earth it could be. When someone acts so out of character, you can't help but think of all the really bad things that could be happening.

For the last couple of years, I've really been proud of us inside, thinking how strong we are to have faced and dealt with all we have, and felt that we were stronger because of it. I now realize though that it has also meant that we've been totally outwardly focused, just trying to deal day to day with each crisis and get to the next morning, it is a bit emotionally exhausting, iykwim. Also takes away any time and energy that you'd normally have to recuperate and focus on each other at all.

In terms of the anniversary celebration itself, he actually did try to plan a few different things, all of which did not work out. He was really disappointed, but after his fourth idea collapsed, he was really frustrated - he gets really into these things and was a bit crestfallen that it wasn't coming together for him. Unfortunately then he just sort of gave up and didn't take it any further. I think maybe he hoped I'd just be ok with that, which I totally would have, if he'd said anything. But when it was such a drastic change from normal, I was so shocked, he realized he should have told me what was going on rather than just let me wonder what was going on with him.

Anyway although it was a disappointing memory for a milestone anniversary, it was actually good that we got some things out last night. We will be ok, we've certainly come through worse than this.

I don't think we'll plan an alternative celebration, both of us really want to forget all about last night. Even though I'd certainly like to have a better memory of this, we both feel that we just need to move past it.

Sorry this post is getting so long, but thanks for letting me get it all out. I was really scared yesterday when he was so not himself about this, felt like I couldn't think straight about what was going on. Now I'm a little overwhelmed but think we're both refocused on what we need to be.

(And sorry to disappoint, btw. Even though I really felt that there wasn't going to be an amazing surprise at the end, I was secretly desperately hoping to be able to excitedly come back here and tell you all you were right.)

OP posts:
TheLittleFriend · 08/11/2011 13:34

Oh imsosad, please take heart in the fact he had tried to do something special that didn't work out. It sounds like you have a very strong relationship.

Jajas · 08/11/2011 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/11/2011 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ViviPru · 08/11/2011 14:54

Shock we must be reading different threads, SOCD

Jacksmania · 08/11/2011 14:58

Shineon - seriously? That doesn't really sound like you...

Imsosad - hang in there. Thinking of you. Sorry nothing constructive to add, but I have to get going and get DS up and to preschool (different time zone). Will check later - I'm around at odd hours. Hugs no hun though :o

WinterIsComing · 08/11/2011 15:02

Oh you sound lovely and not at all hard work. I'm so sorry.

My DH is lucky that I let him in the house every evening Grin

PoppadumPreach · 08/11/2011 15:34

Totally disagree shineon

Think there are a lot of positives to take from this, despite your disappointment.

I would have been exactly the same as you, OP, (probably much worse!).

Would it be a bit cliched to say "onwards and upwards"??

I think it's a real lesson to us all to make sure we focus on our marriages/partnerships and not just kids and life. This post has certainly made me think.