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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't believe I'm reacting this way! I hardly ever cry! :(

215 replies

imsosad · 07/11/2011 17:51

This is a real AIBU, I really don't know if I am or not.

So I'm sat here crying. Not sobbing, but tears rolling down my face as I go about my day. What you need to know is that I hardly ever cry and am not at all emotional. I feel hurt....a lot more than I'd have expected for me.

I guess I'd start with telling you all that I thought my DH forgot our anniversary. He normally has flashes of thoughtfulness and can be quite romantic when he wants to be. Everyone who knows us would say what a wonderful husband he is. So I was surprised by that in itself.

It is a milestone anniversary. We promised each other when we got married that if we did nothing else all year long, we'd always make a big deal and have a real celebration on our anniversary - and we always have, unfailingly, for years. It is always the highlight of my year.

So at first, I thought it was part of a plan for a surprise. He said he was going to a sporting event with a friend of his, which I thought was a cover. Except, he really went. With all his stuff that he needed for it.

Then, I thought he actually forgot. I was really disappointed and hurt, especially as he usually spends weeks planning it. (That's really what always means so much to me, the effort he puts into planning it. He did mention something about starting to plan for it about a month ago, but never said anything after.)

Didn't take long for me to remember though, that we received anniversary cards last week which he opened and commented on. So I texted him and asked if he'd be home for dinner. He responded by telling me that he'd be home somewhere around that time, guess we'll have to go out somewhere for dinner, but it won't be really great as we don't have reservations anywhere.

If you knew my husband, that is Shock!

I have tried to make any number of excuses in my head, but he hasn't been particularly stressed or tired or busy or anything. He just doesn't really seem to care now.

What's driving me a bit mad here is that we've dealt with so many awful things in our (many) years together, and I just "keep calm and carry on" type thing, I don't get upset like I am now. Hurt. And I sort of feel ridiculous. He didn't actually forget. He just doesn't think it's a big deal for some reason this year. :(

It's ok if you all slam me with IABU. Just maybe if you could toss in a line as to why on earth I am so hurt and what to do about it, that would help? :(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/11/2011 19:08

How horrible. I can understand exactly what you mean. You will, I imagine, start to look back over the past year to think whether there have been any other signals. That in itself can be a destructive thing to do.

He's such a bloody idiot, isn't he?

You will have to talk to him, OP. You need to find out why he has suddenly changed - you may not like the answer but not knowing will upset you, too.

imsosad · 07/11/2011 19:09

He was sort of...nonchalant? He is out now, getting dressed.

Will talk to him whenever we get wherever we are going. I am a wreck inside though, this is indescribably strange for him.

OP posts:
GingerLemonTea · 07/11/2011 19:10

Maybe when you get to the restaurant, friends & family will be there?

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 07/11/2011 19:11

I would put my money on cold/shifty if there was a problem not nonchalant

ImperialBlether · 07/11/2011 19:11

OP, I don't think you should ignore this. Trust your intuition.

thousandDenier · 07/11/2011 19:11

am hoping very hard for you that it's the good explanation rather than the shit one.

If there is a nice surprise planned, he's still a bit of an arse to put you through this.

FontSnob · 07/11/2011 19:11

Really, really hope that he is being very good at keeping a surprise under wraps. Best wishes.

ImperialBlether · 07/11/2011 19:13

Yes, I agree with thousandDenier - a joke is supposed to be funny!

notjustme · 07/11/2011 19:14

I am really, reaaaally hoping you are going to end up being walked into a very nice suprise OP, otherwise I am gutted for you :(

imsosad · 07/11/2011 19:14

That's the thing, Thousand, he's not (normally!) an arse at all and wouldn't (normally) put me through this. But something is not normal here.

We're off now, no idea when we'll be back but I will update and thanks to all for your positive hopes.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2011 19:17

Oh blimey, I so hope he's got something really good up his sleeve.

CatherineOfArrogance · 07/11/2011 19:20

At least he's always been good at arranging things for your anniversary- my DH never has been and I doubt he will ever surprise me either!

winnybella · 07/11/2011 19:24

I think , as it's a milestone anniversary, he has something special planned. If there was a problem (affair, for example) he wouldn't draw attention to it by failing to make a plan for today.

Hope you'll have a lovely evening, OP Smile

marriedinwhite · 07/11/2011 19:39

Because you didn't respond when he said he was doing something else, do you think he might be feeling upset because he thinks you don't care?

JamieComeHome · 07/11/2011 19:42

that's what I think winnybella

grovel · 07/11/2011 19:45

She's on her way to dinner at The Ivy in her new Aston Martin wearing a rock on her finger the size of a golfball.
I hope.

Catsdontcare · 07/11/2011 20:00

Really hope this has a happier ending for you

Hardgoing · 07/11/2011 20:11

Truly terrible would be him forgetting completely, or not having turned up to go out to dinner.

Most of us do stuff like go out for a spontaneous meal on an anniversary (it's a Monday, why do you need to book unless it's somewhere out of this world?)

It does all seem like a bit of a performance. He may still love that, and be surprising the OP at this very moment. It's also possible that actually this performance doesn't feel genuine or the right thing this year (the OP mentions how rough things have been, and many many people are struggling right now money-wise). His feelings may have shifted a bit and there's a bit of a wobble. Doesn't mean that it's all a disaster.

I have had a nasty surprise like this when I thought everything was pretty much ok. I was initially devastated that things had changed without me noticing, but now I feel that they are more realistic, more grounded and more loving anyway. Let's see.

calamityboo · 07/11/2011 20:34

dont be sad, there might be a really logical explanation of something beyond his control, on line order not arrived or something cancelled?? Give it a day or two and see if anything comes your way, if not a gentle prod for an explanation will be in order!!

SnapesMistress · 07/11/2011 20:50

Hope you had a good evening OP.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 07/11/2011 20:53

Hope everything's ok.

aurynne · 07/11/2011 21:00

I really want to read what happened when she's back.

My best wishes, OP, hope you are having a great evening right now!

ViviPru · 07/11/2011 21:03

Me too. Better than Eastenders.

I'm genuinely concerned though, OP - don't mean to make light of your situation but I'm gripped

gastonscave · 07/11/2011 21:06

Hope things work out and you have a lovely evening

MeconiumHappens · 07/11/2011 21:09

Im thinking massive surprise, epic proportions.

God i hope I am right.

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