To actually not be able to stand it when mum and mother in law call my DS their baby?

[Ohnoredundo]

I just need to check that I'm not going insane as this AIBU does seem petty in the extreme. My mum and MIL call my DS their baby. I wouldn't even be as upset if they said 'our' baby. I've just come hom from MIL and she must have said "how's MY gorgeous boy" about five times - and to me it seemed the more I was becoming clearly annoyed the more she was doing it. I realise this all sounds ridiculous - I just wanted to check this wasn't PND and if it would upset other people.

Euphemia... Why? If your DD had secrets she didn't want you or your husband to know, why on earth would you not want her to feel she could confide in her grandmother?

I'd be thanking my lucky stars that my child had somebody she felt comfortable with, within her family, to talk to if she couldn't talk to me. Would you rather that your child confides in strangers?

This thread is weird. Some mothers seem to be so, so possessive and I don't understand why?

YABVU - it's a term of endearment, you are taking it far too seriously. Try not to over analyse otherwise you will end up going completely mad!

That is a really good idea and nice way to bring up that I'm upset by it (if there is a nice way). Honestly 'our' is fine it's just the 'my baby' that sets me on edge. DH says he feels the exact same way so we've had a laugh about it tonight. We are so blessed with a perfect, perfect baby boy and I feel silly for complaining about anything as we have it GREAT.

MarmiteMummy - I can see that it clearly bothers some people and maybe some of that is to do with who is saying it??

Let me try to explain it from another point of view (in addition to my post above)...

... if I was to say to you 'How's my baby?' What I am saying is - how is George? I love George. I'm loving having a baby around to cuddle. Isn't he wonderful. I love him'. 'How's my baby?' - is just a short cut

However, I can understand the bristling if someone you don't like says it!

Surely, too, there's a difference between...

'How's my baby?'

and

'How's my baby?'

Maybe that's where the problem lies - maybe it depends if people emphasies the my or not???

... ok, Euphemia.

my partners aunt does this, so she is my childrens great aunt, she always phones and ask how 'my boys are' meaning dp and the fourmadboys, tbh it does grate slightly because my boys are not possesions, not mine, not anyones.

but i know she says it because she loves them, so i try and remember that, it still grates tho!

Exactly chipping the tone and context can change everything. Tops up chipping's because her post make her feel less like she is losing her sanity.

I can see what your saying Chipping, I completely understand that people feel that way and love the fact that people love our children that much but......

I have asked my own mum not to say this as well and she is fine with it. I think its personal preference and if someone said that they didn't like something I would purposely not do it anymore around them. I think op should talk to her mum and MIL and if that does not stop them then like I say you kind of have to let it wash over you but doesn't mean you cannot comment back.

maybe on my part some of it is who is saying it but I have been fair and asked for no one to say it so as not to single anyone out. Now and again does not bother me personally but 25 times in one conversation tends to grate!

All im saying to op is to try and talk to the people doing it and they should respect her feelings rightly or wrongly!

Chipping I don't think there's anything wrong with it in the example you give, and as you say, most general terms of endearment beginning with my shouldn't annoy. But if the person is saying it in such a way as to undermine the mother, or usurp their place, then I can see why it would piss someone off. Obviously they can't actually take the mother's place, but it would still irritate.

I can see how a GP constantly calling your child "my baby" could be frustrating- I think I 'd probably feel a bit frozen out, as if only the baby was important and the parents just a means of producing it, especially if this was coupled with other issues around interfering and overriding the parents. It could also feel like a bit of a rejection from your own parents, that you have no value as their child now that you're not a cute baby and you've served your purpose by producing one.

Not saying that this is what the grandmothers are trying to do, just that I can understand how it might feel to somebody who is already feeling sensitive. And the mothers doubtless adore their own children and their grandchild- but that doesn't mean that they don't need to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

I think it can also be the actions while they are saying it. For example, taking the baby of you while you are feeding them, Turning away from you while they are holding them, taking them to the opposite side of the room or other room while there are guests, blocking you with their bod at these functions so that you don't even have the choice of seeing your child if you wanted, changing them without saying to you while saying things like 'my wee darling needs changed because you've filled your nappy and that stupid mummy of yours hasn't noticed' Of course she hasn't baby has been kept away from mummy for the past half hour. Its depressing to be pushed away from your baby's life when you are just working out how to be a mum, it wears you down.

So in summary it is tone as chipping says and context. Put all together it can get a new mum down.

I think I probably used to say stuff like 'how's my lovely girl' etc about my nieces. I can't imagine saying 'my baby' though. I did a bit when I overheard my MIL (who I do actually like) replying to someone saying DD is gorgeous with 'of course she is, she's mine'. She must have seen my face because she backtracked with 'erm, I mean all the babies in my family are gorgeous'. To be fair, they are. But there have been a couple of crackers in my family too .

OP i used to get irritated too by my mil saying stuff like that but im over it now.

i think for us (me and my mil) it was a case of we didnt know each other very well and were both being a bit possessive with the two men in our lives - my husband/her son and my son/her grandson.

she would turn up unannounced, call my newborn 'my baby' all the time, tell my husband he looked tired and should take care of himself bla bla bla. i on the other hand was tired, a new mum and trying to create my own family and do things my way, without her interfering and undermining me (and she did do that quite a bit in the beginning).

fast forward 6 years and 2 kids and i actually love my mil now and realise she's just a women who loves her family and wants to be a part of it. yes she still bugs me sometimes but i deal better with it now and she doesnt mean any harm.
and i know i bug her sometimes cause im quite loud and opinionated and i do things my way but always invite her along and this is how it has worked for us. ive shown respect without being a pushover and she realises im a good dil so doesnt try and over step the mark now.

the truth is life is hard and its better to get on with our inlaws and the kids love having extended family members around - sometimes - haha.

i think some people have been quite nasty to you on this but im sure youll figure it out yourself. basically, if you know she's a nice women just make it work and dont let the little stuff bother you.

Minus - I think it's another one of those threads where people think they are talking about the same thing, but are infact talking about two different things!! Two very different things.

When I was younger that kind of thing from your MIL would have upset/infuriated me, now it wouldn't. The difference?? Me. I would not put up with it now. That is a world apart from what I was talking about. I can see why you'd rather your MIL didn't have anything to do with your DD.

just read your last post MINUS - totally agree.
it got me down having my newborn prised out my arms by my mil in the early days. i got panicky going to her house when that was happening.

looking back, it was a shame for all of us. i was young and tired and being the protective lioness and she was just desperate to hold her one and only grand child.

phew, thank god those days are over. husband got the snip last month!

I love that my mum calls DD hers, as it just shows how she feels about her, however if DPs mum did it I would be

My mum looks after DD 3 days a week, she has been a big part of her life since she was born. Dps mum lives at the other end of the country, has seen DD 3 times (a few days each time) but we are not each others biggest fans.

YANBU - each to their own.

There's a distinct lack of empathy on this thread, and some rather heavy irony...

Can the possessive types honestly not envisage a time when their PFB has child of their own - can't you see how delighted you will be about that? You will probably be the ones wanting to dote all over the new baby with cuddles and terms of affection and be the 'my baby' MILs you now so resent!

I can't believe how literal people are! They don't actually mean it. Everyone does it, or everyone who doesn't have to walk on eggshells with difficult relations!
Dirtybat in particular is very unfair and it is just as well she hasn't got a DS herself. Her DD may turn out to be just like DP's mother and they may get on like a house on fire. DCs make their own relationships. I hope that what goes around comes around and Dirtybats future SIL wants to keep her well away from a future grandchild. (not really-I wouldn't be so mean but her attitude stinks).

I don't know why people have to be my, my, *my about their DC-they are not possessions.

All I can think is that people are dreadfully insecure if it bothers them.

My MIL does this. My mum always says "my grandson" or "gorgous boy". But to MIL, FIL & SIL he's theirs, really bugs me!

SIL even put on facebook an albulm of my (DC's name!). People were commenting asking when she had a baby! etc!

It's not a real person in terms of anything apart from the fact it annoys me (no one else could barely walk for a month after those forceps, or now have a fat middle!!) But in the future, I want to make sure they understand he's mine and DH's because they already feel like they can make decisions about him which I don't think is fair.

To all those making comments like "get a life" 1) with a new baby you're allowed to be unfair to your inlaws, because you're so hormonal. and 2) if you've got that much of a life stop commenting and go and live it and let us bitter ones sit here and bitch

"...you're allowed to be unfair to your inlaws, because you're so hormonal"

Good luck with your DS's future wife, then.

""...you're allowed to be unfair to your inlaws, because you're so hormonal"

And women can't possibly be doctors or lawyers or members of parliament because their wombs will leap up and strangle them.

Dear God in Heaven, who needs men to patronise and belittle us when we can do it so well for ourselves!

seeker and slinking

In reference to your comments about patronising...

A womans hormones do make her a little eratic after birth as she prepares to become responsible for someone else. I'm not saying in general life, a woman has an excuse for being over emotional, just because she's got her period! But post-birth is a vunurable time and it's hard to understand your MIL's feelings as a new grandmother, when you're still coming to terms with your own role as mother.

No one with a newborn baby is representing anyone in court or performing any major surgery.

When I look at my baby, I know he is part of my family. I love him like I love my brother and parents and my DH. My MIL on the other hand is someone I am forced to spend time with, when I'd rather be with my own family (ie xmas everyother year). She's not someone that I chose to be in my life or love. She is present because she is related to DH so I don't see how it's reasonable to expect me to feel about her as I do my own mother - particuarly after the emotional time that is birth. I would never let my DC's know this as she is her grandmother, but surely places like mumset is good to moan about MIL because I certainly would never say a bad word about her to DH because it's HIS mum and he loves her like I love my mum!