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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually not be able to stand it when mum and mother in law call my DS their baby?

194 replies

Ohnoredundo · 05/11/2011 17:18

I just need to check that I'm not going insane as this AIBU does seem petty in the extreme. My mum and MIL call my DS their baby. I wouldn't even be as upset if they said 'our' baby. I've just come hom from MIL and she must have said "how's MY gorgeous boy" about five times - and to me it seemed the more I was becoming clearly annoyed the more she was doing it. I realise this all sounds ridiculous - I just wanted to check this wasn't PND and if it would upset other people.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/11/2011 19:25

Yes, of course Wink

Trills · 05/11/2011 19:26

Anyway, it's not just a MIL thing, it's a grandparent thing.

Nice to see an AIBU where the mother and MIL are being equally irritating.

RitaMorgan · 05/11/2011 19:27

It doesn't push buttons Confused It would be weird if a stranger did it, but a loving family member saying my baby/my gorgeous boy/my sunshine or whatever isn't! A baby doesn't just belong to it's parents, it is born with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings that love it too.

Feeling your position as a mother undermined or challenged by your child having close and loving relationships with others suggests there are deeper issues going on.

bruffin · 05/11/2011 19:28

My refers to DS as "my Sammy" (he is 16Grin ) it's because she loves him, the more people who are there to love a child the better.

DMCWelshCakes · 05/11/2011 19:28

I know exactly what you mean OP. My MIL refers to DiddyDragon as "Grandma's girl" which drives me nuts. Thankfully DiddyDragon, age 3, responds with "I not! I DiddyDragon!!!" these days. She also commented on a FB picture of DiddyCakes (I know, I know Blush ) that "her boy" was growing up fast. I commented that he should be as he's 34. Nothing's been said since...

I think a lot of it is to do with how the family dynamic works in general, not just the phrases used. If my mother did this it would drive me equally bonkers.

They're OUR children & I have the scars, stretch marks & knackered back to prove it! Nobody's stealing my glory dammit! :)

Everlong · 05/11/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 05/11/2011 19:34

I call my grandsons my boys all the time

but then my DD is not a freak and actually quite likes that I love my grandchildren

EdlessAllenPoe · 05/11/2011 19:36

'my baby' = the thing i gave birth to

'my lovely/ gorgeous' = small child i am very fond of.

this is why 'my baby' is objectionable, and other terms of endearment involving the possessive 'my' are ok.

slavetofilofax · 05/11/2011 19:36

The other day, I said to my closest friend 'How's our baby bump?'

She is pregnant and I am deleriously excited about it. I had may babies in my early twenties and none of my friends were remotely on my wavelength atthe time as they were all at universtity or working, and I love that I get to enjoy this with my friend especially when we didn't really share my pregnancies.

I did realise, after I had said it, that I may have caused offence, and I said so. My friend thought I was being rediculous by worrying about using the word 'our'. The baby is clearly hers, but she wants other people to love and be interested in her baby, because that will continue for the rest of our lives and I will always love her son. It's not like the baby is going to start refering to me as Mummy is it, even if I do slip on occasions and ask how my gorgeous boy is.

madmomma · 05/11/2011 19:37

I was like this with my first. It makes me cringe now though. I think I must just be a jealous person maybe.

EdlessAllenPoe · 05/11/2011 19:39

"Feeling your position as a mother undermined or challenged by your child having close and loving relationships with others suggests there are deeper issues going on."

don't you think the person using the phrase might be doing exactly that? it is ok to think someone is trying to undermine you...if that's what they're doing.

My MIl used to say, e.g. 'how are you getting on with my baby?' 'does my baby need a feed' 'who needs Mummy?'

otchayaniye · 05/11/2011 19:42

yabu, possessive and mental, but nonetheless, congratulations!

he's not actually just yours. you'll 'get' that in time. but in the meantime enjoy the closeness this new person brings to the wider family and accept that you're being (naturally) a bit irrational.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/11/2011 19:43

Do the posters who find this so awful think that their babies are their possessions or something? It's really weird. Do they feel that others who refer to the baby as 'my baby' are diminishing the precious mother's role? I hope the extended family members never get wind of this spite, that's what it is.

Our children are not OURS... I'm sure I read that somewhere. Hmm

usualsuspect · 05/11/2011 19:44

I'm so glad my DD is secure in the knowledge that her children know she is their mum ,and doesn't feel undermined that other people love them too

what a sad way to bring up children ,to be jealous of someone elses love for them

TidyDancer · 05/11/2011 19:44

There's no suggestion here that the DM or MIL are doing this to undermine, just to express their love for the child.

The OP doesn't get to be right and make all the rules just because she's the mother.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 05/11/2011 19:44

Oh FFS get over yerself would you. Half the children in the world dying for the want of love. And yours is getting too much?? Get a grip of your head.

Trills · 05/11/2011 19:44

Our children are not OURS

In that case it's not right for a grandparent to call their grandchild "my baby", it's wrong for anyone to call a baby "my baby".

Original poster
Ohnoredundo · 05/11/2011 19:47

A freak Usualsuspect?

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 05/11/2011 19:48

Edless - if a grandparent is actually trying to undermine the mother's relationship with her child, wouldn't you call that a deeper issue? In a normal family situation, saying "my baby" about a child expresses nothing but a loving bond.

SaffronCake · 05/11/2011 19:49

I don't think YABU, it'd piss me off too. The difference is they can only claim ownership, the child benefit pays into your account and there's not a thing they can do about that. Relax, he is never not going to be your son, nothing on Earth can make that boy theirs no matter how much they wish it. Smirk at their deluded irritatingness and try to be glad they like him, it could be worse.

usualsuspect · 05/11/2011 19:50

well yes, I do think anyone who feels like this a bit odd tbh

Original poster
Ohnoredundo · 05/11/2011 19:51

So if DS doesn't 'belong' to anyone why the possessive 'my baby' REPEATEDLY from my mum and MIL? Why not 'our'? I don't go around calling him 'my baby'. It sounds stupid.

OP posts:
bruffin · 05/11/2011 19:51

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. "

Khalil Gibran

usualsuspect · 05/11/2011 19:53

Its just a saying ,you can read as many meanings into it as you like

duckdodgers · 05/11/2011 19:55

"Smirk at their deluded irritatingness"

That sounds rather nasty.

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