to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

Part of me was going to say YABU but actually I do feel for you. I'm a SAHM and would HATE to have to juggle childcare and I imagine you must be very stressed by it.

Perhaps as you've said you dad isn't happy with the arrangement it's time to sit down and have a chat and agree that you will look into alternative childcare or once your contract is up you will look to changing your hows.

TBH i don't think your dad is being entirely unreasonable either. He wants to enjoy his time without restrictions and tbh even as a SAHM I would not want to commit to babysitting a family members child every week.

I think you really do need to re think your situation and agree that the arrangement will end as soon as feasible.

cj I know that but I never leave myself without ANY days because I can't afford to take unpaid leave. Perhaps my situation is different because I don't have family to help (MIL doesn't want to, fair enough, and my parents have both passed away), but I kind of see these things as MY problem. Actually, reading some of these posts I do kind of get why the OP is upset as I've been up shit creek many times myself and it ain't fun.

This obviously high lights the fact the OP needs a back up plan for the future.

As some posters have suggested, try another parent at the school plus a sleepover. Failing that, what about asking telling a teacher about your predicament and see if she can take your child home just for the evening.

When you made the inital arrangement with your mum you should have both discussed it with your dad first surely? Anything that ties her down on a Friday evening has the possibility of having an impact on life for them as a couple, especially if he likes to be able to sponteanously plan something.

I would try to find an alternative for this time (is she old enough for a sleepover at a friends?) and then sit and talk to them both about the future of the arrangement and come to an agreement

YANBU - sounds like you need a back up plan for childcare.
My DCs' GPs look after them - this was something they offered to do and said they would rather do that than for me to organise childcare for those two days. But once they have offered and I have accepted, I do need to be able to rely on them - as would most people. Yes they are doing a favour, but a favour has to be truly helpful, otherwise it's just a bind. I am lucky in that my parents and ILs get that.

The lack of notice they are giving you is an issue. However I think this is a big wake up call that your mum doing Friday afternoon pick ups is in fact not going to work now she is retired because your parents want to be able to do their own thing at weekends (and quite right too, I can't wait to retire). Is there an after school club? Do any of your DC's friends go to a CM - could you approach any SAHPs you know to help you out for that afternoon to get you out of this particular hole?

And once resolved you need to have a rethink about whether your mum would be prepared to do a different afternoon for you, or if that doesn't work with the lack of flexibility in your shift pattern I suggest you find a CM instead, one who is a network so you won't get let down if she is ill. But my CM has never been ill.

I think that while the OP's father is entitled to not be happy with this arrangment, in essence his argument should be with his wife, not his DD and DGD. It's his wife who's agreed to an arrangement that limits their time, not his DD.

At least you only have 10 months left on your contract, start calling round your DD's friends and see if anyone will do it as a one off. Then sit your parents down, explain you can't just drop work at the last minute, so you will be requesting new hours in August so that you don't need to use them as childcare (don't listen to your mum if she tries to argue she can do childcare, she can't be relied upon so don't), but between now and then can they try to give you a couple of weeks notice of their holidays.

afterschool clubs wouldn't go up to 9pm

I doubt many child minders would work upto that time on a Friday evening

shift work is horrendous for lone parents

Sirzy, the OP has said further down the thread that she did exactly that.

It boils my blood that everyone comes on telling OPs in this sort of situation that she should be eternally grateful for any sort of free childcare arrangement. I am eternally grateful to my parents and ILs for agreeing to provide regular, reliable childcare which allows me to work the hours I need to. I would not be eternally grateful to them for insisting on looking after the DCs (after I planned to do nursery for 5 days), allowing me to arrange work commitments around that and then letting me down.

My CM does overnights on request. You'd be surprised - no harm in the OP asking the question.

sorry I was more thinming on every Friday night , not a one off

thinking

Failing that, what about asking telling a teacher about your predicament and see if she can take your child home just for the evening

Seriously?

I know a couple of CM's who do extra work - OP needs to ask around.

" I think this is a big wake up call that your mum doing Friday afternoon pick ups is in fact not going to work now she is retired because your parents want to be able to do their own thing at weekends (and quite right too, I can't wait to retire). "

Completely agree. But as other threads on MN always say it's up to the GPs to SAY that - rather than up to the OP to constantly keep checking

Bear blood - she said they made the arrangement then involved her dad. I can understand why that pissed him off!

TBH, if your mum has always been OK with it then I think yanbu to have hoped for enough notice to make other arrangements.

It would seem unfair that they could never have a weekend away due to your working arrangements now that your mum has retired.

I suppose it wouldn´t work to change a long day to the Weds?

YANBU and I agree with sardinequeen

MIL looked after DD when I went back to work after mat leave, she offered and DH didn't want to pay for childcare when we didn't need to although I had a bad feeling about it from the start. However she was unreliable and would either tell us at the last minute she couldn't take DD or give us about a week's notice that she was going on holiday!

Luckily my boss was quite flexible and unlike the OP DH and I could cover the unexpected days off between the two of us but we didn't do this for long as it was stressful. Went down the paid childcare route not long after which has been fine ever since. I would've been pretty annoyed if someone had said IWBU for complaining about MIL letting us down.

I think you should at least ask your CM in a 'would you consider helping us but don't worry if you can't' type way, after all it would be extra money for her.

Oh well that is between her mum and dad then. My mum is free to make arrangements as it suits her, as is my dad, and they handle that, as do most couples.

I feel sorry for the Granny as well. I bet she really enjoys looking after her GD and as she is now retired would have more energy for it. Now due to her husband's attitude she will more than likely have to stop an arrangement that gave her pleasure and made her feel useful.

For emergencies, I use my back up childcare i.e. after school care but that does not cover my long hours so I have to work over 5 days. That would have to happen the week after any emergency, and I'm grilled pretty thoroughly by boss if this has to happen. I can't use this as an option for a last minute holiday. It was made perfectly clear to me in August that me using this option for the sake of holiday cover for childcare was not workable, and I could end up in serious bother if I did that again.

Contrary to many people's assumptions here, I do have back up childcare, and I do use it. It's dependent on a number of factors, and I have never been in the position of not being able to cover my contracted hours with whatever situation has arisen i.e. DD ill, CM ill, bad weather last xmas etc. etc. There are only so many options I can afford, and I already overlap childcare at a considerable cost to make sure I can meet my work obligations. With notice I don't have any problems. The flaw in all of this is the friday, because I work 'til 9pm. With notice covering for that is manageable. In an emergency, I can work round that too, but this isn't an emergency. And that is why this is difficult.

With notice I have all the cover I need. Without it, I'm screwed for cover on a friday night. I changed my contract in August because I needed to earn more money to keep me & DD. The down side to this was it left me vulnerable if this situation was to occur. My dad never made any comment about the set up, and had never indicated he wasn't happy for my mum to do this. It's only with the holiday, and now this 'surprise' getaway that it seems clear he does have a problem with the set up. Not exactly easy for me to deal with, given that I am stuck with this contract for another 10 months.

Is anyone else feeling sorry for the mum? Stuck btw her daughter and her husband

Just really irritates me that people think this is a favour and therefore the OP (in this sort of thread) should just take whatever is thrown at her. A favour is only a favour if it is truly helpful. If someone offered to do your shopping but then dropped it at someone else's house, you wouldn't be expected to be grateful because it was in fact of no USE to you.

Serious at poster who suggests asking the teacher to take the child home as a one off? Are you for real????

Yes, I do. I also think it's a bit sad that she obv wants to spend time with her GD, and her husband doesn't

yes I know but still