Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

432 replies

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 14:28

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 05/11/2011 14:41

I think the op knows they arent there for free childcare,looks like the agreement has worked for over a yr but now her dm has retired her df wants them to have some time away.No harm in that as they have certainly earnt it.

I would ask one of your dds friends mums if she could go there after school fri & then like i said earlier arrange a cm.

MrBloomsNursery · 05/11/2011 14:42

Pull a sickie Hmm.

Sirzy · 05/11/2011 14:42

Of course you are being unreasonable. They shouldn't be stopped from going away because YOU have children. Your dad is right to be pissed off with you!!

You don't employ your mum as your childcare, she does it out of the goodness of her heart and you can't expect her to give up everything to fit in around your life.

DooinMeCleanin · 05/11/2011 14:42

This how I get around these sorts of problems. I have in place my main babysitter (my mum). On top of that I have an emergency babysitter (My sister), a super emergency babysitter (my less reliable sister), a super, super everyone is going out and getting pissed together babysitter (MIL) and a oh fuck it I won't be able to go to work babysitter (a close friend) and an if all else fails babysitter (My Nana) all coupled with an understanding boss who has children himself.

Always have a back up plan or five in place, it makes life much easier.

Megatron · 05/11/2011 14:47

Of course YABU, you know you are so you don't need me to tell you why. There must be someone else you can ask to help on this occasion and it would be a good idea to have a plan B, C, D, E and possibly F in place for these occurences. Like the rest of us who work and have children.

SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 14:47

YANBU your mum has agreed to do this regular childcare and you have based your ability to this particular job on that. To remove that at short notice and drop you in the shit with work is not good.

You need to pull all the stops out to see who else can do the Friday - neighbours? School friends parents? Anything? Offer money if necessary. And then rethink your childcare arrangements.

ilovesooty · 05/11/2011 14:48

Yes, I think YABU.

I hope you won't call in sick as a couple have suggested. You'd be open to a workplace disciplinary if found out, as claiming to be sick when you aren't is fraud.

cece · 05/11/2011 14:48

If it is just after school I cannot see why your DD can't go to a firends house for tea that day.

IME other mum's are usually quite helpful if you ask them.

SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 14:48

Don't understand why so many people think YABU TBH, if I say I will do something for someone which is important for them to meet their commitments, then I do it. If I suddenly cancelled I would expect them to be royally fucked off with me.

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2011 14:49

If the OP's mum agreed to all this so that the OP could do her job in the first place, then imo, the OP is not being unreasonable.
If however, it's a very casual arrangement then it needs re-thinking.

motherinferior · 05/11/2011 14:50

Whether or not you use your parents as free childcare (and I'm of the 'don't do it' persuasion) YABU for not having a backup.

SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 14:50

Can you afford alternative arrangements?

PeppaPigandGeorge · 05/11/2011 14:51

Hmm, I don't think you are being that unreasonable.
Yes, it's free childcare etc etc, BUT if your situation is anything like mine, my mum wanted to do a day, like your mum does and would have been mad if I'd chosen not to use her for childcare. On that basis, if she does need to / want to do something else, I would expect reasonable notice. If your mum is doing one regular day, I think she needs to let you know in plenty of time to allow you to make alternative arrangements.

Original poster
bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 14:56

Nothing is booked, it's last minute so they won't lose money. The friday is impossible to cover because I work 9-9. There is no one who would be willing or able to pick DD up from school and keep her 'til 9.30pm. CM is only contracted to work the monday or wednesday. She would not under any circumstances do this for me, as it impacts on her family time considerably and is not an option for me. DD's dad not an option. Too many reasons to list here.

I did not suggest they couldn't ever go away, or that I wouldn't ever be able to take time off, but it's november, I have no holidays left, my boss expects at least 4 weeks notice of time off/change to hours, and even then he is now refusing such requests if he feels like it (and he'll feel like it with me) because it's getting to the end of the year and everyone has had their remaining holidays in place for some time. I just can't do last minute getaways with this set up in place. I changed my working hours in August this year on the basis that I had this cover, as agreed, and my mum understood the commitment she was making. I gave it a year before amending my contract to fit the hours I work, to make sure the set up worked for us both. I don't ask her to provide any other childcare, she sometimes offers but I keep it to this only because it's plenty and I know I'm lucky to have that help. My dad did this in August, decided to book a 'last minute' holiday for them both for a week, on the same week my childminder was off, and the same week my mum had offered to cover for my childminder being off as I couldn't get the time off work. I had to literally beg my boss to let me work 9-5 all week to cover my hours, and even though the alternative was I couldn't work, leaving him short, he still made my life hell over it.

In an emergency, I could change my hours for the following week to make up the lost hours, but with the way things are at work right now, I seriously doubt this would be an option or go down that well.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/11/2011 14:57

OMG, what is wrong with you?! Of course YABU! You can be upset about this, but you can't restrict their time away because of it. Your feelings are understandable, your actions are not.

You can't dictate your parents holidays, or however you phrased it. If you don't pay for CC, you take your chances. If you don't want to face this kind of 'let down', then don't ask your mum to make this kind of arrangement.

I would never even dream of asking my mum or PILs to rearrange their holiday to suit my CC arrangements. And I don't blame your dad for not wanting to take a holiday day to accomodate you.

I can't believe you even have to ask if YABU in this situation, it should be obvious you are.

nulgirl · 05/11/2011 14:57

Going against most of the other posts I actually don't think you're being unreasonable. I agree that grandparents shouldn't be expected to do childcare but if they are happy to do it , they should not drop out at the last minute unless it can't be avoided. If the op's DM has been happy with this and the deal has been working well for the past year then I would be pissed off with a last minute change (unless due to illness etc).

jackiejones · 05/11/2011 14:57

You are a shelfish and ungrateful daughter. Who are you to stop your parents doing anything. I would refuse to babsit for you if I was them but you would probably stop contact. Get a grip.

motherinferior · 05/11/2011 14:57

So what would you have done for another sort of emergency, for instance if your mother was ill?

531800000008 · 05/11/2011 14:59

yes MI, that was going to be my q

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/11/2011 14:59

You are a shelfish and ungrateful daughter. Who are you to stop your parents doing anything. I would refuse to babsit for you if I was them but you would probably stop contact. Get a grip.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. What a wanky post. Unbelievable how much someone will assume from a few paragraphs. FFS.

KatieMiddIeton · 05/11/2011 15:00

You can get childcare. Contact a nanny/babysitting agency.

Yes it is extremely annoying being let down at the last minute but you need to pull your finger out and do something. Where do you live? If London/Surrey try Like Minders or sitters.

Sirzy · 05/11/2011 15:00

Is your dad happy with the arrangement you have for childminding? I almost get the impression that he isn't and doesn't like being unavailble to do what they want due to it.

Yama · 05/11/2011 15:01

I think YANBU.

I agree with SardineQueen.

My parents just would not do this to me. They would be over the moon to be able to help me (and I'm one of four). Unfortunately they live 90 miles away but my Mum has taken holidays to help us out when our dc have been ill. Your Dad sounds quite selfish.

DooinMeCleanin · 05/11/2011 15:01

You need to have back up childcare in place no matter who you use as a babysitter/childminder.

Other family. Friends. Neighbours. School mums.

girlywhirly · 05/11/2011 15:02

I think you know yabu, as you say yourself she does you a huge favour looking after your daughter on Fridays. As she has now retired, I think she has every right to go away whenever she likes, and your dad too. You will need to re-evaluate your childcare. I realise that your working hours are very long on Fridays and childminders don't usually work until 9pm. I do think that your dad could have given a bit of thought to your situation, and given more notice to allow you to make alternative arrangements. I suggest you have a serious chat with them both, saying that you can't keep chopping and changing your hours at short notice, and you could end up losing your job. In fact, start looking for something else with better hours asap

Is there a little friend she could go for tea and have a sleepover with that Friday, or just stay until you collect? Or ask the childminder to cover it that day, I'm a bit confused in that you say you do long days Mon and Fri, but don't say how long the Mon is, so where is DD normally then? The CM might be glad of a bit of extra cash, you never know.