to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

When I was younger and had no dependants I volunteered to work at the coffee shop of a hospice once a fortnight on a Sunday.

A couple of months in I decided I wanted to go away for one of the weekends I was scheduled to volunteer, the hospice volunteer manager told me kindly but clearly that I had made a commitment and should stick to it, obviously for main holidays etc that was different. If I was unwilling to stick to the arrangement then I should cease to volunteer altogether.

To me this is what is happening here. The OPs mother was asked and agreed to make a commitment to look after her GD. We have no reason to believe that the GM does not enjoy doing this and want to continue it as she has just retired she is probably 60 so therefore likely to enjoy reasonable health.

I don't believe the OP is treating her like staff and has said that if she is given reasonable notice then she can work round her shifts.
Yes I guess the OP does now need to try to find a Friday evening solution, but I guess the reason that this has not been put in place thus far is because its a damn difficult time to cover.

Surely you have a friend or other family member who could help out just as a one-off?

What on earth is wrong with gps providing childcare? Doesn't family stick together? Don't the gps benefit from a closer relationship with their grandchildren?

I honestly don't understand the "you had children, they're your problem" attitude here. Obviously not all gps are willing or able to help, but why is it wrong? How insular, how nuclear, how isolated do you want families to be?

As Shriiieeek said, it goes both ways.

I feel sorry for the gran here - she made a commitment, and her husband is trying to undermine it. Makes me wonder what kind of a life she had and how much responsibility he took for their children?

I'm a gran and I don't believe some of the posters here. YANNNNNNNNNNNBU

apparently not ljny.

yabu obviously

OP - YANBU. The problem is you have posted on mumsnet and there are certain standard lines on mumsnet - one of which is 'GPs are not free childcare' which seems to be preventing some posters being objective about your situation. Your DM made a commitment to you. You didn't force her and you are grateful. And you don't have any other alternatives. There is no reason why your father can't take her away sat-mon instead - he is being unreasonable to refuse to take a day's holiday if the weekend away is important to him. Families should honour the commitments they have made one another - if they can't then what is the world coming to.

rookiemaster has made the point well.

Totally agree, ljny. I really don't get the negative attitude to GP based childcare on here. Of course it won't suit everyone, and not all GPs want to do it, but if they do want to and can, then why not?

I don't think a week is enough notice to change shifts etc As regards back up plans and emergencies, I think in an illness scenario, my work would understand ringing in on the day, but would not be so happy about trying to change days etc on a few days notice - that is just unreliability, whereas emergencies do crop up.

You're only allowed GP help if you promise to beat yourself with sticks full of nails every time you use them. The mentality on here is, "if I haven't got anyone to help me, neither should anyone else", unfortunately. It's one of the less supportive aspects of MN.

Come on people? If the OP in the future offers to do her elderly dad the "favour" of taking him to a hospital appointment, then decides she's going on holiday and leaves him with no alternative, will that be fine?

YANBU at all

i have had one of those bosses who was so very strict about the working day it made it near impossible to have any sort of life never mind emergencies!! , also i feel for you as you sound a little bit on your own. I have been there when money is so tight and u have no other support to help you out. I hope you and your mum will be ok as she is clearly in the middle. I think dad has been thoughtless and does not understand the real fix you are in. Also i have read the other posts and have to say that the attitude in some of the posts really shows why we have been given the unkind nickname of the mumsnet mafia. OK you know who you are, the ones who have the full support of family and friends who the solutions come so easy to because you have someone to turn to, but please keep in mind when you are telling this lady how to live her life that we are not all that fortnate, it is not always that black and white and some of us are fighting to make it through every week!!!

Rant over, good luck hon.

you need to cultivate friends parents fast

I get that you may not be able to offer to have DCs to tea in the week but get a few saturday/sunday cinema trips under your belt and you'll be suprised at the options that become open to you

obv not in time for this occasion but for future, yes?

bananaistheanswer

I repeat:

Having read all these posts again and wondered why your father, who knew that your mother babysat on Fridays, would organise something for a Friday made me think a bit more.

Do they do anything else for you? Have their lives been dominated restricted by what they have been doing for you? If so, this could be your father's way of telling you something.

ballstoit, I don't have holidays left but that doesn't mean I don't have the scope to do something about my mum taking time off if I have the notice to do something about it. If I have notice, even with no holidays left, I can work around that. Hence me feeling, before this occurred, I had all the childcare cover I needed to deal with almost all eventualities. I umm'd and ahh'd about changing my contract in August as the previous one meant I was covered, no matter what. But I couldn't survive on the wages I was earning so either had to keep struggling, but knowing I didn't have to depend on anyone, or lean on my mum in a more official capacity, but earn enough to keep us both going.

Anotheremptynest - I've thought about what you said and tbh, no, I don't think your suggestion is what is the issue here. I am a fairly independent person, and prior to my mum helping out with DD when she started school, I paid for all the childcare I used and didn't impose on my parents at all in that sense. They saw us regularly, but I was always happy with the fact I wasn't relying on them for childcare because I didn't want to be beholden to them. When my mum said she would help out with DD, I was reluctant to rely on her and didn't really make it a permanent part of my childcare until it had been in place for a year, and we were both happy that it was working. The curve ball has been my dad, and I didn't think or realise he had any issues with this set up as he was more than aware it was happening for a year before my mum retired, and it was never an issue that he couldn't go away on a friday as my mum worked ever other friday. Now mum has retired, he clearly now sees the set up as a problem. My problem is I can't do anything about my hours until this contract has been in place 12 mths, and I can the ask for another change to it. I can't afford another option for childcare as I simply don't have the money for that. So, I'm just going to have to deal with the situation for the next 9/10 mths and hope I can at least get some notice so I can work around my parents' getaways.

Btw, it's london they are hoping to go to, and DD going with them isn't an option as it would mean her being taken out of school/miss a day, and I think the whole point is for them to get away, not for my DD to be cramping their style at the same time

I'm a CM and wouldn't have any issues in looking after your DD, as a one off. Ask around, you may be surprised. Good luck OP.

Ok, whether yabu or not, this is a shitty situation to be dumped on you last minute.

Is your Dad also retired? If so, is there any reason why their long weekend can't be bumped in to Monday/Tuesday instead of starting on the Friday? Or even be a midweek break full stop? Most places are cheaper on a Sunday night than a Friday night so it might work in their favour.

Your boss sounds like an arse and your Dad sounds like he is either worried about your Mum being taken advantage of (regardless of the fact that she has agreed this) OR that their 'retirement' actually comes with strings attached that he wasn't expecting. He sounds like he is asserting himself a bit too much but hey, I guess he is entitled to do that too.

I do think it is tough only having one form of childcare available but we are often in the same position so I do sympathise. For the future, it would be good to chat to a friend and see if there was any way you could have a reliable emergency back up. Sleepovers are so much fun (for the kids!) and at least it is something you could reciprocate on a non-working day.

Good luck with sorting it out.

K

Op, I think your dad is really being unpleasant, putting you and your mum in this invidious position. Presumably they both know from august that this makes your life difficult, and my perception would be that he is trying, passively, to make the arrangement collapse.

I do t think you're freaking out unnecessarily, and you have plenty of options to try. I do see that when you are solely responsible, and you have this big plan that gets you through the week, one hiccup can feel huge. Also know that when you have such a stressful work situation it seems insurmountable.
Plan for changing your friday support permanently, suggest your parents could do sat to mon in this situation, and for crying out loud go and face your father, tell him that you and your mum have an agreement, and that he is either being manipulative or oblivious, but I reflect he's always had the last word. Good luck,.

Well yes but she'd only be cramping their style part of the time :) If you can't pick her up though, that;s no good.

Op, I'd have your DD for you, you sound like you need more support! My mum was single parent, Dad was useless, and GPs too far/unwilling to help. She really struggled at times. And funnily enough, being a single parent she didn't have time to make lots of friends who could be her support network - she was always working or looking after us.

Anotheremptynest - even if you were right then the OP's father should speak to her directly, not cause her a massive amount of stress to get his point across.

Is your father still working banana so presumably weekends are the only time they can go? If he is not and they could go during the week which is generally cheaper anyway, then this is a stance and should be treated as such.

BTW I do agree this is your fathers way of telling you something. He is telling you that his wife should be putting him first and foremost at all times and he is annoyed that she is instead looking after her grandchild. I think he is being selfish and entitled not you. Yes he would like to go away with her, but he needs to give you a bit of notice.

I do think you need to speak to them together. Explain that you work these hours because your Mum volunteered to look after DD, explain that you need x weeks notice if she can't work the Friday otherwise you are unable to go into work, explain to your father that if you don't come in on certain days then you will lose your job and also that you will change this working pattern as soon as you possibly can which is August. If you don't you will keep on hitting this situation which must be incredibly stressful for you.

take the day off sick, and get a childminder for the friday. it's your mum's tough luck, either she commits to helping you or she doesn't.

reading this through again i think they are off for not giving you more notice. some people who don't have children and work don't seem to understand how stressful this is. I think you need to sit down with them and explain your situation and what notice you would need. if they can't provide this then you need to explain that you will need to sort out other arrangements....maybe CM or changing jobs. your mother (and i guess father) will need to decide which she wants most - flexibility on holidays or looking after her grandchild.

But you do need a back-up plan and i know this is hard as have no family living locally. what would you have done if your mother had been sick?

good luck. it gets easier once they are 12ish

Yanbu imo and I understand why you feel you can't ask at work.

I would scrap the friday arrangement tbh and look for alternative childcare.

In an emergency, you could call a babysitting service for the hours needed.

A friend of mine sometimes has to get someone to cover an evening/night as she and her DH may have to do clashing gigs. It seems to be fine. They have done it since the children were babies.

"AIBU: I offered to look after a friend's DD next Friday while her parents work. Now I fancy going to the cinema instead so am going to say I can't. Up to them what they do - not my problem. "