to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

YANBU imo. If your mum agreed to this arrangement and you arranged your hours at work on the strength of this, then it is wrong for them to drop you in the shit at the last minute.

For those suggesting the OP asks another parent to take dd home for tea on that day, the OP works until 9pm. I'd not be wild about looking after someone else's child until gone 9pm on a friday night. It also doesn't solve her long term problem. Neither does after school club.

I think you need to talk to your dad and ask him what he would expect you to do, and also look at getting a regular paid babysitter, but it is not U to expect people to do what they said they would do. If your parents weren't prepared to do this long term, then they oughtn't to have allowed you to take a job on the strength of their promises.

You arent being a selfish & ungrateful daughter at all,your dm agreed to be your cm in effect & now your df wants your dm to ignore the agreement & they want to go away as the retired couple they are.

If you seriously have noone else to ask then i would have a chat with your parents & say you are desperate for their help this fri & after that you will be arranging a cm so this doesnt happen again.

You have my sympathies op,it is shit being a working parent,especially shift work hrs.

I dont think YABU

Seems like a lot of people on here have very irresponsible families and think of this as something quite normal.

In our family if someone says they will do something, then they do it. If they commit to a regular arrangement in order to allow someone else to do something important, then they stick to it. I find these posts really hard to understand. It seems to me that OPs father is the one being selfish.

I do think OP that your dad is not "on your side" and you need to change your childcare arrangements. He has done this before and will do it again, and you will end up in big trouble at work.

I feel sorry for you.

You had a working arrangement in place and I bet your Mum will be really annoyed with your Dad when she finds out what has happened. I suspect its no accident that he wants to spirit her away on the day she has made a commitment to you and I think he is making a passive aggressive stance about it as he doesn't want her doing fixed child care but knows that if he speaks to her about it she won't want to cancel the arrangement.

It would be tricky to get cover for your hours so I see your problem.

I would suggest that you speak to your Mum and Dad together, so that either she confirms in front of your Dad that she is happy to keep on doing it or would prefer you to find other childcare options.

Hope you get it sorted, I don't think you sound like you are entitled.

She is definitely not selfish and ungrateful to be pissed off that this is being dropped in her at short notice. She is not saying that her parents can never go on holiday but her mum agreed to helping her and her dad now is backing out. I hate this attitude that you shouldn't expect families to help each other out. If your mum and dad do want to go on lots of long weekends that is fine but they shouldn't change arrangements at the last minute.

So presumably those of you who say this is fine, will also think it's fine if someone who agrees to go and assist their elderly parents every day with their food and cleaning, decides with no notice that they are going away for a week and won't be doing it, then that is fine too? And if the parents object they are being selfish? Or not?

Strange posts here, really strange.

I think, actually, that what quite of posters are saying is that any childcare arrangement needs a back-up plan. And believe me, most of us find ourselves thrown back on that backup plan quite frequently.

Agree 100% with sardineQueen.

Sirzy, you have hit the nail on the head. My dad isn't happy with the arrangement. I didn't firm up the arrangement with my mum until it was in place a year and double checked with mum that she was happy for me to do that i.e. amend my contract and commit to the hours I now work. My dad got involved after this was agreed, and made a point of making things difficult for me the month my contract was signed, with the holiday. I'm stuck with this contract for another 10 months.

I know it's unreasonable to suggest they can't go away. I'm well aware of how 'entitled' that sounds. It's nothing to do with me expecting them to be there for me at my beck and call. It's just about getting a bit of notice so I can work with them and get something else arranged. If I had a few weeks, I could shift things around to get CM to work mon/wed and I'd have a normal day on the friday. Or had they come up with the suggestion a month ago, I still had a day's holiday I could have requested. It's 1 day out of 7, and I'm not restricting their other 6 days. Only this one, on the basis that my mum agreed to this, knowing what that commitment involved, but with notice she could have that day to herself as well.

what a horrible lot of comments!

i don't think you are being unreasonable either

And what were you planning to do if your mum got ill?

I think the OP is getting a really hard ride here. The issue here is not about g/parents babysitting but the breaking of a commitment, when it sounds like that commitment was made with a full understanding of what was being undertaken.

It's not the same thing but my parents made a commitment to look after my BIL's dog while he was away in Afghanistan for 6 months. They couldn't in that time decide to go away on holiday abroad without making alternative arrangements for the dog because of the commitment they had made. This did impact them (they had both recently retired and had chosen not to get another dog after their last one passed away because they didn't want to be tied by it), but they had made a commitment and they stuck to it.

can't you get unpaid parental leave or will your boss go nuts at you?
9am-9pm is a long day where do yuo work?
how old is dd/ does she have friends who could look after her for one evening? even a sleepover? do you have siblings?

I always thought back-up plans were for illness rather than short breaks which can be taken at another time in the week.

Yes, but presumably she's got one for illness.

I suspect that most posters who are doing the 'you are so selfish' have pretty ropy relationships with their family. Friends and family do not drop each other in the shit at the last minute unless it is an emergency. Deciding to go on a impromptu last minute break is not an emergency. I could not willingly do this to someone who I love. Perhaps the op does need to change her childcare arrangements if her parents don't want that kind of commitment but doing it at the last minute is very unfair.

So why can't your DD's father or parents cover this time?

If that's not an option, I think YANBU - because regardless of whether your DM had to offer to provide childcare, once she said she would, she really needs to give you more than a few days notice that she's not going to do it. Your DF needs to realise that they either are going to help or they aren't, but if they've said they'd have DGD 'every Friday' that means every Friday, and you will need to make alternative arrangements if they can't, so they will have to give you notice to sort that out.

Suck it up for this week, would a friend of DD's parent have her stay for a sleep over if you promised a return favour when they want a night out with free care on a Saturday night on the run up to Christmas? Could anyone recommend a baby sitter who'd pick up from school? (I've got a few friends who use nannies for their DCs who don't work full time, their nannies will often want to pick up an afternoon/night's work for their friends DCs, not the cheap option, but worth it to keep your job).

Then long term, I'd start looking for either alternative paid care or ask for alternative hours at work. Really, if your parents can't be relied upon for Childcare (and it sounds like your father's attitude is that they can't), and you can't find anyone else to do these hours, then you need to think if this is the job for you.

I think it's awful of your dad to put your mum in this position
didn't she discuss it with him before she agreed to do it with you?
I think after this I would look into alternative childcare as you can't rely on them

I think it's odd that your parents are putting you in this miserable situation. Does your father not approve of your working and trying to support yourself and your child?

I also think your boss and your job sounds like crap, and you ought to be looking wround for something else if you can. The problem with being a lone parent and working after 'normal' hours - as I have had to do in the past - is that it's bloody difficult to get childcare and nigh-on impossible to formulate a back-up plan.

What does your mother think?

I think it's incredibly unrealistic to think things will always go swimmingly and problems never occur. Anyone who works needs to have back up plans, it's just common sense. It's rarely easy and is a pain in the arse but I think if someone is doing you a HUGE favour, as the OP acknowledges, they should be allowed some slack. I never leave myself with no holiday days left until the very last minute in case I have to take one and I think the OP was a little remiss leaving herself with no holday days, what if her DM was ill?

I think you're gettign a rough ride because of the unfortunate choice of thread title
if you'd posted in lone parenting 'help me out of this pickle' people would have been kinder....

Sardine if i was caring for my elderly parents i would arrange cover. Babysitting is a bit different to that though isnt it?

My own pil help with our childcare sometimes but i have friends and an agency i can can juggle around if needed.
Why not beg a parent to have them for a play date for after school and then an agency cm or sitter to take the remaining few hours?

Its costly but if it needs to be done it needs to be done

I suppose you're right.

My back up plan is getting the gps to stay for ill dc. Unless of course the dc need a parent and one of us has to take a day off. As we use nursery/after school clubs, I've never had to deal with childcare provider illness. I see your point MotherInferior.

Still think op's father sounds selfish though.

I never leave myself with no holiday days left until the very last minute in case I have to take one and I think the OP was a little remiss leaving herself with no holday days, what if her DM was ill?

and yet it's the law that you can take unpaid parental leave?