to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

glad it is all sorted, cant believe there are still people thinking the worst of you even with your explination, your whole family seems in a complicated situation which there are no easy soluions to, i am so pleased you and your dad have found a comprimise, and no i dont think it is unreasonable to expect him to let you know as soon as he thought of the break, especially as i would have thought given the situation he would have wanted to keep a smooth easy relationship with you and dd to stop history repeating it self! i assume that father and brother are quite similar??????

all you other ladies who truly are part of the mumsnet mafia, holster your guns for someone who actually deserves them then by all means give it with both barrels, but this lady is just trying to work and provide as best she can and was thrown a curvebal by a thoughtless man (and we all know one of those!).

stop giving the op a hard time!

Glad it's sorted, banana. Don't forget, though, that often people are much happier to help out than we - the askees - give them credit for. Everyone likes to be needed, even fleetingly by someone they don't know very well. Many a true friendship has been forged in need.

op, I wish I hadn't posted you advice about your parents getting old and being able to enjoy themselves whilst they can, with reference to the way my old mum is now, I feel you've just told me I'm talking bollocks, well thanks a lot, just you carry on, will hide this thread now

I used to work a weird shift pattern as it meant my dad and ex had my dd's when I worked. i realised that after 18 months I didn't want to be beholding to anyone and took 4 months to change my job. I got a job that still needed child care but childcare much easier to get and this meant my dad was free from commitment and he still took them away and had them every week for sleep overs but he is free to travel when he wants - and he does for extended periods.

You Need To Change Your Life to Fit Around Your Own Children

why are some people being so arsey to the OP?

ivy have you read the thread? At all?

sorry ssd but I didn't bring your mother into this, you did. And other posters have used it to attack me, telling me I'm spoiled, selfish, entitled, not a responsible parent etc. The inference that I am any and all of these things is utter bollocks. I did not say you were talking bollocks at all - simply that it's bollocks that people take from what I am posting to mean that I am the selfish, entitled, spoiled, irresponsible parent that I've been described as. I am defending myself against some of the most ludicrous posts on here, and if you wish to take that personally, then there is nowt I can do about that. Your description of your mum looking after DNs would fit my brother and his psychobitch wife who are the most ungrateful, selfish, spoilt, entitled fuckwits I've ever had the misfortune to meet. If people wish to attack me using you example, then I'll defend myself, if that's OK with you.

ivy - OK I'll throw away a 20yr career, the possibility of a sizeable redudancy which could secure mine & DD's future in the short term, and throw myself into the current job market 'cos it's easy to get a better situation that I have now. I'll do all that, rather than talk to my dad, speak to my boss, and explore other options for short notice, one-off childcare cover.

I give up.

Well throw your 20yr career away if you want to - your choice

Banana, I think you sound lovely and am so sorry you are having such a hard time from some posters tonight - I totally get where you are coming from. As a single, working parent of two age 3 and 5, I understand that it can be so so hard to cover all bases. Yes, I have brilliant friends, but they are not particularly near, and have their own very small DS's and DD's and logistically it would be impossible to use them as emergency childcare. I don't have any family nearby except my DM, who does what she can but is very unreliable, bless her, so mostly it's best not to ask. My Ex-P is violent and abusive and not allowed unsupervised contact with the kids. I too am getting to know parents at DD's school, but it isn't always easy, particularly if they are quite cliquey. And if you have a difficult job or unsympathetic bosses, it can really tip things over the edge.

It's very easy to assume that we all have 'someone' who can step in, or some sort of back up just round the corner, but the truth is, so often we really don't and that can be very very tough. Sometimes as parents, we really can be that isolated. I'm so glad that you have managed to resolve things with your family, but, as I am doing now, maybe try and slowly make some contacts, parent friends and search out alternative avenues of childcare, just in case. Maybe talk to your friends about 'what if' situations in the future and sound out what you may or may not be able to do for eachother? It feels hard, but has to be done and it feels great knowing that you have just that little bit of extra self-sufficiency behind you

YANBU , you have my sympathy, 12 hr shifts are a nightmare to sort out! you may find that there are people who will help though, i would chat to other mums at school about the situation, i personally wouldnt mind having one of dcs friends til 9.30 on occasions and im sure that there are others like me around.

OP Do not think you are BU at all. I know how difficult it can be to find child care at short notice. Not everyone has an extended family and willing friends. Hopefully you have sorted the situation out, but a couple of ideas for the future.

Most childminders know all the other local childminders, so I would have asked my cm "I know you are not able to have DD on Friday evenings but is there anyone you can recommend who might be able to do this as I am desperate?" Putting it that way also gives her the chance to say that maybe she could do it as a one off.
Secondly, a friend of mine who was a single parent, three children, high powered job, parents too far away to help, employed a student (or in fact a sucession of students) who did some after school care, but could also do the occasional overnight often at short notice. Worked well for her.
OK it wouldn't have helped in this case, but maybe something to think about for the future?

op, my mum doesnt look after DN's, you are confusing me with another poster

I give up too

I don't think most people mind helping out in a genuine emergency. People sometimes take this goodwill too far though when it becomes a regular thing. I have friends in the same situation and I have had to have the embarrassing conversation of me trying to get out of a situation where i have been used as free childcare because I am a SAHM. That made it like having a job but with no financial reward. Of course i didn't mind sometimes helping someone out of a tight spot though.

OP I don't you come across as entitled or spoilt.
I am glad you have sorted it out.
Maybe you can now start to take steps to have other children over to play and vice versa - it really is invaluable to have other parents as back up.
All the best

Well then ssd I wasn't even referring to you, I've no idea what you said. Up to you to then take what I'm posting, personally. You assume I've taken notice of what you have said, among the hundreds of other posts, and used what you said to have a go at you? Or somehow turned your 'advice' into a personal attack on you? Unless you were one the posters who were so insistent that I'm such a spoiled, entitled, selfish, irresponsible parent, then what I've said doesn't apply to you.

If you feel I've told you that you are talking bollocks then maybe go back and read it again, 'cos I make no reference to you, and have responded in general to those who are trying their best to paint me as the worst kind of entitled, spoiled brat of a parent. If that wasn't what you were saying, then ignore my post as it doesn't apply to you. If it was what you were saying, well, I could start ranting about how upsetting those kind of comments were blah, blah, blah but I'll just leave it, as I've said what I needed to. Making those comments about me is utter bollocks and I stand by that.

I have read the whole thread and its taken me about 25 minutes.

I have come to the conclusion, based on everything you've said OP that YANBU, and I'm glad that you've been able to sort out a way forward with your parents and your employer so that everyone understand how they fit in and how you can all work together.

I really feel for your work and family situation. Youre not spoilt, entitled or any of those things. Some posters just want to be able to say that people are and vent towards them. Good luck at work - sounds to me like you're performing an admirable balancing act.

you must be a glutton for punishment HappyAsEyeAm

Thanks for you comments though. I think YANBU slightly edged the YABU but overall, it's been a mixed bag. Time to move on (finally following the advice given to me pages ago... )

op, you posted this in a paragraph of its own

"sorry ssd but I didn't bring your mother into this, you did. And other posters have used it to attack me, telling me I'm spoiled, selfish, entitled, not a responsible parent etc. The inference that I am any and all of these things is utter bollocks. I did not say you were talking bollocks at all - simply that it's bollocks that people take from what I am posting to mean that I am the selfish, entitled, spoiled, irresponsible parent that I've been described as. I am defending myself against some of the most ludicrous posts on here, and if you wish to take that personally, then there is nowt I can do about that. Your description of your mum looking after DNs would fit my brother and his psychobitch wife who are the most ungrateful, selfish, spoilt, entitled fuckwits I've ever had the misfortune to meet. If people wish to attack me using you example, then I'll defend myself, if that's OK with you."

I thought you saying "Your description of your mum looking after DNs...." was to me as the paragraph seemed to be written to me, thats why I assumed you had actually read what I'd written,but of course that was silly of me to assume that.

YANBU. If a person says they'll do something for you, they don't then change their mind and go on a holiday instead. Its not as if the OP is going on a girl's night out and needs a baby sitter - this is her livelihood!

So dad can't surprise mum with a little get away break for another yr because of this contract?

I think that's pretty unfair & restrictive. I am sure your CM takes holidays, no? OK so you get a little more notice, but your mum is retired & free to do her own thing. She isn't being paid, she isn't under a contract & therefore I don't see why you don't have a suitable back up in place.

To the person who said that people being negative must have ropey relationships with their families, you are taking bollocks. I wouldn't tie my MIL up like this, every week! It is unfair!

Maybe OPs dad doesn't like it, because really...her mum doesn't like it that much either, but is too kind to say so?

No, he CAN take her mum away for surprise weekends, IF he remembers to let the OP know, same as he has to let his OWN workplace know. Manners are required, that is all.

Don't think you've read all the OP's responses, differentname.

Differentnme her mum wants to do this,, has chosen to provide reliablee childcare for her daughter

I have read all the responses.

OP just sounds hard done by & has thrown an excuse at EVERY other option that anyone has suggested. She has NO suitable back up in place for late nights at all, so what if mum was sick etc? A week is actually plenty of notice to sort a few hours care, if you have adequate back ups in place. OP doesn't. Suddenly this is everyone else's problem, but not hers!!

Well, SPBB, we know that the OP thinks her mum wants to do it/enjoys but what if mum is starting to just resent it a little? I mean we have seen how OP has acted here, at the mere mention of a weekend away, how would she react if mum needed/wanted to pull the plug entirely?

We only have OPs assurance that mum is happy with how things are, perhaps mum is well aware of the fall out if she pulls out!