to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

No I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Her parents committed to a childcare arrangement and the OP was led to believe that she could depend upon it, and now her parents have decided at short notice and unilaterally not to honour that commitment.

I think, however, that this is the sign that the existing childcare arrangement that the OP and her parents have in place needs to be renegotiated now that the OP's mother has retired and her agenda has changed.

Mj you are switching your argument now!

If parents do have a choice, then as I have said, it is unhelpful and interfering of grandparents to foist their own views on the situation. The parents may want to use a nursery or a cm. They may feel that for THEIR child it is the right option. It is therefore very unhelpful and in fact could be seen as downright manipulative for a grandparent to say they'll be offended if they aren't used. (and yes, there have been threads on this exact subject, I remember one poster being very upset that her husbands mother had made the massive assumption that she would look after their child). For some of us, paying for childcare isn't simply a terrible drain. Sure, it's costly - took nearly all of my salary at one point- but what price do you put on ensuring your child is well looked after in a reliable and stimulating setting??

And as for your other point about parents who can't afford choice- well, see my post above. If you can't afford childcare, then you are basically having children on the proviso that the gps will be your unpaid childminders- which personally I feel is a massive pressure to put on anyone, and doesn't leave them with the option to easily say no

op, you are going to cause serious trouble between your mum and dad over this, your mum is willing but your dad controls whats going on and she's stuck in the middle

if I was you I'd start looking at getting a childminder then a regular babysitter for your long shift on a friday and letting your mum know she doesnt have to be stuck between a rock and a hard place

the you'll get no nasty surprises and you'll all be happy

mjlovesscareypants, you saying "its not a case of cant afford to work, it would be a case of working for nothing, nursery and petrol being more than my salary." is exactly like saying I cant afford to work if I dont get free childcare

Full marks for twisting a post there mj

We could not 'readily' afford childcare. I have already stated it cost nearly all my salary. Adding on commuting costs and it probably cost me to go to work!

As for my comment about ensuring children are well looked after in a reliable and stimulating environment- well, once again, you've made it all about YOU. I am not commenting on your own situation which clearly works wonderfully for you, your mother and your wider family. My response is about the million and one situations where it is more complex because the grandparents have their own needs and lives. The op has found that her parents are NOT reliable. Hence my point about paying - a lot of money, even when it isn't readily affordable- for the peace of mind which comes with knowing your children aren't going to be dropped at the last minute by their childcare.

Finally- I still am totally that some people see it as almost admirable that the grandparents would be offended if they aren't used as the first port of call for childcare.

When there are posts from people saying they have chosen a nursery, or a cm and they are upset about other people expressing negative views, there are - rightly- as flurry of posts telling them to stand firm and not be undermined by others sticking their nose in and judging them. So I don't know why its ever seen as acceptable for grandparents to judge in this way.

Oh and my kids aren't a burden at all thanks- either to me or their grandparents. They have great relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins- all because they WANT to spend time together, no strings attached .

Yes, YADDDDBU.

mjlovesscareypants, of course i dont expect you to lie to your mum, where did that come into it?

I know exactly about not being able to afford to work due to childcare costs.

I had to walk away from a well paid, interesting job due to not being able to find childcare in my local area, and as dh worked away I couldnt rely on him.

So now I work for six quid an hour washing dishes in a local restaurant, the owner lets me work around the kids school hours and thats why I do it.

To be honest, threads like this one give me a small crumb of comfort, although its mean to say it, as I now dont rely on anyone for childcare, as I have no one to rely on and cant afford to pay for childcare out of £6 an hour....at least I'm not stuck in a family issue where the boundaries are blurred and theres bad feeling going on.

I may have no help, but at least I dont have that!

and sorry to sound like I'm trying to pick a fight with you mj!! but you posted earlier

"The only people who genuinely have a choice as to what childcare they use are earning way way above the national average"

I think you'll find the people who have genuine choices are those with ready available free childcare, there was an article somewhere or other recently about this stating most women who go back to work can only afford to do so as they have free family childcare, thats where the genuine choice is (or not if you dont have this available to you)

Just for clarity- this is about the OP, and to the OP.
It seems that your dad has perhaps not been truly happy about these arrangements for a while. Maybe it worked to begin with, but now your mum is retired, their needs have changed and being able to do spontaneous things is part of that.

I understand how frustrating it is to feel let down right now, but view this as a signal to put other childcare in place asap.

There was a powerful post unthread from a woman who had watched her parents raise their own family, have a long working life, and then become unpaid childminders to the posters neices and nephews. This took up ALL the phase of their retirement where they were able bodied and fit enough to travel, do spontaneous days out etc. So after a lifetime of bringing up their own children and working, they then lost any chance for their time. I think thats a useful reminder that none of us know what's round the corner. Don't begrudge your parents their time. Accept graciously that they have already done a fair bit, they now want to continue being loving grandparents but want their own life too. Yes, it would have been fairer to say all of this up front to you. But the one thing this thread has proved is that once grandparents find themselves in this situation, providing regular care, it can be extremely difficult to change things without causing upset or bad feeling, particularly in cases where the parents have told them they cant afford other childcare. They may have been feeling very trapped - damned if they speak up, but inwardly not happy about this big commitment. I agree with the poster who said your dad has done it this way to 'get out ' of the situation without making your mum look like the bad guy. All a bit messy at this late stage- so better to sort it now so this situation doesn't keep happening

i think its unfair of them to spring this on you - my mil minds dds after school 2 days a week and when they plan on going away they give us 2-3 weeks notice out of sheer politeness - but saying that i dont think they would ever expect me to moan even if it made things difficult for us - they mind my kids as a favour and in cases like that i'd just ring in sick as it'd be unusual - or ask someone else to collect

good post callmemrs

sometimes we think our mum and dads will go on forever, be fit and active and of sound mind and all that

but it just doesnt work like that

the years after they retire are the years they have left to do things like book last minute holiday/have the kids for the weekend/join a dance class, basically whatever they feel like doing

the the years go by and they slow down...and slow down to the state my mum's in, housebound, in a wheelchair and you become their mum

so please dont get mad at them, op, just see it as a life change for them, and see if you can fix up some paid childcare that'll cover your Friday, and let them have these years to be selfish and suit themselves

The arrangement clearly doesn't work for your Dad (OP) - has he even been asked about it? Any discussions about what your Mum would or wouldn't do re childcare for you should have surely involved him from the beginning?

It seems to me that your Mum likes having the contact with her grandchildren, but your Dad wants to spend time with his wife having weekends away whenever they feel like it or opportunity arrises.

You all need to sit down together & renegotiate I think. Probably the best outcome would be something along the lines of your Mum switching her childcare day. If she did the Wednesday and you put some other plan in place for the Friday, then Mum & Dad could have weekends away as & when, Mum would get to see grandchild regularly, & you'd be able to carry on working.

Y have been VVU I think, despite your Mums commitment to your childcare, and a bit bratty in your response to this issue (just going from what you've posted here). Now you need to try & find a balance with their needs as a couple - including your Dads - with your need to go to work. maybe an unbiased 3rd party should be in on the discussions?

mj, no worries

I agree with you, when gp's can and do give loving childcare it must be wonderful, I see it many times at the school gates and the local parks, it must be the best thing in the world for all concerned when it works out

its my main regret, my kids dont have this, they dont miss what they never had but it breaks my heart that its not there

I think it's the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren which is enriching- and that's about the quality, not whether the gps live along the road and are providing free childminding. They can have a great relationship living 100 miles away or across the world. What saddens me is this assumption that those of us who organise and pay for our childcare are somehow 'diminishing' the family. Not a bit. I appreciate and love my extended family, so do my kids.

Hello, sorry not been back, been busy with DD etc. I've read the more recent posts and when I get the chance later, I'll respond to the points made. I realise this is a contentious issue (my thread title was a bit sarcastic because it wasn't just a straight 'you cannot go' but stripping down my POV and DP's POV, that's effectively what it came down to). However, a lot of the accusations and assumptions being made are way off the mark. Got to go right now, but I'll come back later and answer the various points made, in more detail, when I can.

For everyone's info, I've had a frank discussion with my dad, and we have come to an understanding about the situation. The timing of everything is the reason this has all come about and it's basically no one's fault, just a combination of circumstances and assumptions being made from all of us. I spoke to my mum about me changing my contract in April. We agreed it was OK for me to do that, and I made the request in May. My mum then decided to retire in July, and finished at the end of September. My new contract started mid August. My dad's thinking on being able to go away, as they are entitled to do, only started when my mum retired, which he admits didn't factor my mum's involvement in picking DD up. I've explained I'm more than willing to juggle things to make sure they get away, but I do need notice. He's back-tracked now, saying he doesn't want me having to juggle my hours around as he knows the position this puts me in with work (we are all waiting to see how many redundancies will be happening over the next 18 mths, and of course, the more ripples you make, the more of a target you become, hence the difficulty that has only arisen in the past couple of months with the flexibility we (part time/condensed hour workers) enjoyed).

So, I'll come back later and answer the many, many points made, and hopefully the whole picture will be clearer.

Adios!

There are some posters on here who are talking some right balls in order to defend their family circumstances, when in fact no-one ha attacked them in the first place.

Anyone who thinks that the OPs family had not initially let her down badly has a shitto relationship with their family IMO, what kind of people do this to each other.

Glad you have sorted it out banana

mj yes those are the posts I was thinking of! Just not on, IMO, to make that implication.

Glad your discussion with your Dad was helpful, banana