to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

And the reality in this case may be the OP losing her job

RalphGnu, you really need to find alternative childcare or change your hours, then inform your DPIL that you don't need them to have DS as you had to find reliable childcare.

If Grandparents want to do childcare while parents work, they have to accept that's all the time, they can't just pick and choose the weeks, you either do it or you don't. (reason I turned down MIL's offer of childcare, could see this happening and I have to be at work every week and I have to have reliable care)

As I have said before my mum and MIL never let me down, and take it to the extreme. because they do a day wach there is a possibility to swap, which they regularly do without involving me. But my dad is about to start cancer treatment, no one knows how it is likely to affect him, how tired/ill he will be. My parents will see childcare on 'their' day as their problem to solve and I am adamant that is NOT going to happen. Hopefully DH and I will be able to cover their day between us for the next few months.

Yes. Look, I have already said this is the reason I wouldnt rely on family good will and do hours that mean I have no choice. WHat if her mother was ill?
Family can turn around and say no very easily. I rely on being able to go to work, I have to go to work therefore I have to know I have full proof childcare.
It's still not perfect hence the need to use my dm on occasion or dd's friends parents. Dh has a unflexible job and no close family here to ask.
Fortunately we've always been alright so far.

I think the ops situation where it is the first time it has happened is very different to the other poster where it happens regulary,

But it's not her parents fault she has no back up plan. My dm didnt ask me how I was going to cope, it wasnt her problem. I suggested earlier that the op uses this weekend to have one of her dd's friends over and meet teh parents. To be fair she has been in the playground for over a year now and must at least know who other parents are. I do and I have never done pick up. They had no reason to need to know me.

Well, now she knows they are not 100% reliable (who is due to illness) then she needs to work out back ups.

But all the caring in teh world isnt going to solve the op's problem. Organised, paid for childcare with parents and child's friends parents will or are we only allowed to moan about her being let down rather than think of practical solutions that would have ensured this wouldnt have happened or will happen in the future.
I could moan about how lucky the op is in having 3 days a week to forge relationships with other parents and how it's so unfair I cant.

Yabu and your post is a good example of why Its best not to use family as your source of childcare.

Personally if I had just retired, I would be looking forward to being able to just whisk off on unplanned weekends away etc. Surely thats One of the advantages you've earned?! It seems very selfish of the op to not want her parents to have that opportunity.

I hope one day to be a grandparent, and I'll be there with offers of babysitting and would of course always try to step up in emergencies. But regular childcare? No. Thats not what grandparents are for. Being a responsible means organising and paying for proper regulated care and not flouncing like a spoilt kid when your own parents want a life of their own

That should be 'being a responsible parent...'

Her mum agreed to it though.

Seems a lot of jealous nastiness on this thread

I'm with mj and fanjo. Some very self-righteous comments from people who probably have it a lot easier than the OP. Life's just quite tough when you work and have kids - I certainly find it so and I work for myself, have a dp and a dm. Hope it works out OP, and I think you have sorted out the best system you can in the circs.

OP i think youre getting a really rough time on this thread.

My ILs look after the ds's one day a week, we asked them and they agreed, they could have declined. We would have found a childminder instead like with fid with the older dcs.
However they make me feel like i am asking for a kidney every time despite the fact that i am very grateful, always say thank you, always collect them on time etc.
They decided to go away for a month this year so i requested a whole month of weekend nights whilst dh was home.
A week before this they decided not to go and that they would go the following month, shifts i had already requested, so i worked a month of nights for no reason then had to re-arrange everything the following month. This happened a number of times and dh ended up rowing with them.
Things are still very tense and i would much rather ds go to creche but dh doesnt want to shell out for creche and breakfast/after school clubs.

I dont think people realise that you cant always get someone to cover, that work are not always flexible, and that an agreement is just that whether its paid for or not. some people on here are either naive twats or very lucky!

I do sympathise

my mother dropped me in it once , she gave my very little notice ,less than 12 hours . It is awful and very stressful . I now do not ask my mother unless as a last resort , she see's alot less of the grandchildren as a result .

It's not sinking in with some people, is it? Some grandparents want to help, want to spend time with the gchildren. My MIL and mother both have dd one day each week. I go on maternity leave this week. My mother has offered her services for ad hoc childcare for whatever reason and my MIL wants to continue her day with dd because she loves spending time with her and, much as we get on really well, she loves spending time with her on her terms without worrying about having to entertain me. My MIL has her own version of mums and toddlers' group, a lot of her friends have their gchildren and they have a high old time lunching and meeting for outings. DD has a better social life than me!

Not everyone who has gp help has it under sufferance.

Yep, mine also WANT to help and enjoy it, and would be furious if I opted for paid childcare instead. In years to come, I hope I am able to do the same and this will not make my children selfish or entitled or spoilt.

Fanjo- Id be grateful if you'd explain the 'jealousy' comment? It seems a strange non-argument to level at people.

Yes- I agree with you that the mother should not have taken on this reaponsibility and then dropped the op in it. HOWEVER, what has become really apparent from this thread is that these situations are rarely black and white. Often the grandparents feel some element of coercion. If the parents are muttering about eg not being able to afford childcare, or not wanting to use a nursery, or the kids not wanting to go to after school club, then that's putting pressure on the gp's to step in. There have also been posts from people whose parents don't look after their own children but other family members (nieces and nephews) and these posters know the reality- the gps may be saying one thing to the parents - 'oh we had a great day, they're no problem'- well in reality struggling.
Also, circumstances change. The gps might be fit and well and free to look after a child one year, but not the next. With a professional arrangement, you can give notice, and make new arrangements- but how many gps feel able to just do that without feeling guilt tripped?

I can see the ops dilemma in this situation, but the underlying issue is the same- don't mix family with regular Childcare which you need to fit your working hours and where its imperative you're not let down. I can well understand that its simpler for a parent to rely on granny than investigate nurseries, cms etc and pay for it too. But its really not fair to use gps in this way- let them spend time freely given with their grandchildren. And besides, I just could not watch someone else doing the hard graft of looking after my kids unpaid while I was earning. It wouldn't sit right with me at all- I would feel really bad about it .

Op - I hope you find a solution for this occasion, but you need to rethink your childcare and accept that part and parcel of being retired and still healthy enough to enjoy it IS doing spontaneous things like weekends away. You cant just have an unplanned long weekend with your partner when your kids are tiny, you can't do it when you're doing your 40 + years in the working world- so if you cant do it when you're retired then when the hell can you??!